Weariness

I didn't write last night because I was just so tired that all I wanted to do was go to bed. I slept so well! I am not quite ready to be awake, but oh well!

Yesterday I was thinking about weariness. The thesaurus lists the following words as related to weary; tired, exhausted, fatigued, shattered, wiped out, disillusioned. These are all words I can relate to.

I have felt weary a LOT this past year! After I was first diagnosed with RA, I thought about my father and how when I had last seen him he seemed to be falling apart. That was just a couple of years after he had been diagnosed with RA. I also thought about my grandmother and how difficult it became for her to sew and write as her hands got knotted up. All of a sudden, every commercial that talked about the debilitating effects of this disease echoed in my mind louder than ever! I had to face fear. Not just the fear that I may become disabled or lose the ability to do the things that I love to do, but the fear that I may not become the woman that I dream of being...or even worse, I may not become the woman that God dreams of me becoming.

I have had to choose almost every day to turn to God and admit that I am afraid. I tell him that I don't feel brave enough or strong enough or mature enough to do this well, but that regardless of my situation I desire to honor and praise Him. I ask Him to carry me and give me the strength to walk where I need to so that I can grow in the ways that glorify Him and draw me closer to Him.

I am still afraid. I am a little less afraid today than I was a year ago. And I just have to trust that God is growing my faith in small and practical as well as supernatural ways. I know He is! I feel it! I can't explain that, but what I can say is that more and more I am learning the voice of my sheperd and when I hear Him call, I turn to Him. I love His voice! It is sweet and fresh!

And for those few moments when I catch a breath of the peace of God it is worth it all! Better is one day in His courts than thousands elsewhere! It doesn't make the hard days any less hard, but when I look back and see some of the hardest times in my life, they are also some of the times I received the most blessing and have learned the most about who God is and who I am in Christ!

Be blessed!