Yesterday
Yesterday I was worried about myself. I woke up thinking about the laundry list of worries I had on my plate for the day. I spilled my smoothie in the car on the way to work...no breakfast is not a great way to start the day of chasing after a classroom of 2 and 3 year olds. I was in a bit of a mood, before the day really even started. I left work and went to get groceries, worrying about how much money could be spent. I came home and had a little money-stress break-down. The day had been all about me and all about the stresses that consume me.
Then, last night I got a message from my sister that she and her husband had been in a car accident. The focus of the day changed just a bit! My sister and her husband are ok. So is the person in the other car involved. But all of a sudden, my concerns about my bank account, energy level, and things-to-do list just didn't really matter very much!
It's amazing how one event can cause a shift in perspective!
I almost feel like I wasted yesterday, because I was so consumed by worry. I spent the day thinking about what I do not have, rather than focusing on the amazing blessings in my life.
So in the spirit of starting today out better than I did yesterday, here are a few things I am thankful for!
1) My sister and her husband are ok
2) My other sister is pregnant with baby #2 and they are both healthy
3) Next week one of my friends from college is coming to Austin
4) I have a safe place to live
5) There are people who value me and see the good things in me and the things I am capable of.
Have a blessed day, everyone.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Heart Break - Taking it to God
So many things in life have the potential to break our hearts. Things that happen to us, to those close to us, and even to people we have never met but only heard their heart-wrenching stories. What do we do with that pain?
The cliche answer I know is, "Take it to God." That's a great answer, but how do you really do it? What is it to really bring brokenness and pain to the Lord? And what happens to it when you do? Once you have "gone to the Lord" is the hurt supposed to go away? If it doesn't, does it mean you didn't really take it to God?
I can't really answer all of these questions. But I know in the depths of my heart that God hurts with us. In Psalm 56 it is recorded that the Lord has each of our sorrows written down and that He has collected our tears.
For me, the greatest way to bring my hurts to God is through worship. There is no prescription for how this looks, but often it happens something like this for me. I turn on some praise music and start dancing and singing and often times weeping. Then, when all of the anxious energy has faded, and the grief has lost it's violence I find myself still. In this stillness, I know I am on Holy ground! I know that I am fully in the presence of my Maker. A lot of times, I will sit in this silence for a very long time. Sometimes it is hard, though. Even through the peace of knowing that I have curled up into the lap of my Papa God, I am still restless. But He embraces me and then allows me to stay or go. God is a good parent. He gives me the freedom to choose.
When I choose to stay, I just hang out with God. I tell Him what is on my heart...yet He already knows. I may continue in silence, sing, read scripture, or journal. There isn't a "right" amount of time. But usually I know when I have worked through it, and I continue with my day in whatever manner feels right.
Often, the hurt and pain are still very much present. The sting may be a little less. And for a while, it may be gone. But heart ache isn't something that just goes away! It stays with us for a while...sometimes forever. Taking things to the Lord may offer resolution, understanding, and healing. Sometimes it is immediate and sometimes it is not. But, it is good!
The last question I wrote above was asking if the pain remaining means that I didn't really give the Lord my pain. The answer (in my humble opinion) is no. It is very possible to give something fully to the Lord...or as fully as you know how to...and still hurt. The Lord is a good God. He offers hope, peace, joy, and help. And sometimes (often in my case) I will go to the Lord with something and want to hold onto a piece of it. He wants me to let go fully, but once again He doesn't force it. He allows me the chance to concede and allow Him everything, but He also allows me to walk away with whatever remnant I want to hold onto. And then, I get to come back and do it again.
But, just because you still hurt it doesn't mean that you have done that. Ask the Lord to search your heart and show you what you are holding onto. Ask Him how to let go when it feels like there is no way your fists can possibly relinquish the grasp they hold. Ask Him to help you. He is faithful! He is good! He loves his children so amazingly much and so amazingly well!
So many things in life have the potential to break our hearts. Things that happen to us, to those close to us, and even to people we have never met but only heard their heart-wrenching stories. What do we do with that pain?
The cliche answer I know is, "Take it to God." That's a great answer, but how do you really do it? What is it to really bring brokenness and pain to the Lord? And what happens to it when you do? Once you have "gone to the Lord" is the hurt supposed to go away? If it doesn't, does it mean you didn't really take it to God?
I can't really answer all of these questions. But I know in the depths of my heart that God hurts with us. In Psalm 56 it is recorded that the Lord has each of our sorrows written down and that He has collected our tears.
For me, the greatest way to bring my hurts to God is through worship. There is no prescription for how this looks, but often it happens something like this for me. I turn on some praise music and start dancing and singing and often times weeping. Then, when all of the anxious energy has faded, and the grief has lost it's violence I find myself still. In this stillness, I know I am on Holy ground! I know that I am fully in the presence of my Maker. A lot of times, I will sit in this silence for a very long time. Sometimes it is hard, though. Even through the peace of knowing that I have curled up into the lap of my Papa God, I am still restless. But He embraces me and then allows me to stay or go. God is a good parent. He gives me the freedom to choose.
When I choose to stay, I just hang out with God. I tell Him what is on my heart...yet He already knows. I may continue in silence, sing, read scripture, or journal. There isn't a "right" amount of time. But usually I know when I have worked through it, and I continue with my day in whatever manner feels right.
Often, the hurt and pain are still very much present. The sting may be a little less. And for a while, it may be gone. But heart ache isn't something that just goes away! It stays with us for a while...sometimes forever. Taking things to the Lord may offer resolution, understanding, and healing. Sometimes it is immediate and sometimes it is not. But, it is good!
The last question I wrote above was asking if the pain remaining means that I didn't really give the Lord my pain. The answer (in my humble opinion) is no. It is very possible to give something fully to the Lord...or as fully as you know how to...and still hurt. The Lord is a good God. He offers hope, peace, joy, and help. And sometimes (often in my case) I will go to the Lord with something and want to hold onto a piece of it. He wants me to let go fully, but once again He doesn't force it. He allows me the chance to concede and allow Him everything, but He also allows me to walk away with whatever remnant I want to hold onto. And then, I get to come back and do it again.
But, just because you still hurt it doesn't mean that you have done that. Ask the Lord to search your heart and show you what you are holding onto. Ask Him how to let go when it feels like there is no way your fists can possibly relinquish the grasp they hold. Ask Him to help you. He is faithful! He is good! He loves his children so amazingly much and so amazingly well!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Changing Seasons
This weekend is my nieces first birthday. Wow how the year has flown by! I always assumed that when my sisters had babies I would be around all the time. I would never miss a single mile-stone. Well, in the last year I have missed many. Fredericksburg isn't that far away from Austin, but it also isn't just down the street. In the last year, Emily has hit just about every point of development that you would expect of a baby. But, I only get to see her about once a month...sometimes less. So everytime I see her, it seems that she has changed so much. I just saw her two weeks ago, so I hope that this time not too much has changed! It amazes me how quickly one year can go by and how much a baby really does grow! Before I know it, Baby Number 2 will be born and we'll be doing it all over again. I can't wait for that one either! (FYI: Estimated Date of Arrival is October 6.)
Onto other news, I have been bit by the Spring Garden Bug. I have been spending a little bit of time each day outside, cleaning up from the winter months and prepping for the spring. I have huge dreams of what I want to do. Too bad my energy and finances can't keep up with my imagination! One day...maybe?
We have a lot of stuff that needs clearing away and that part isn't as fun to me as putting the new stuff in. Unfortunately it is a little difficult to do one without the other. It's that whole baby-steps thing again. It has to get done in stages and I don't really appreciate the process as much as the product. Oh, how God continuously teaches me about the state of my heart through every-day things! It really isn't just plants that I see this message in.
I need encouragement to not give up on the process even if I don't see the results I want immediately. It is far better to grow and hit some awkward stages along the way than it is to always stay the same. Right? At least this is what I have been told! Looking forward to posting updates along the way.
This weekend is my nieces first birthday. Wow how the year has flown by! I always assumed that when my sisters had babies I would be around all the time. I would never miss a single mile-stone. Well, in the last year I have missed many. Fredericksburg isn't that far away from Austin, but it also isn't just down the street. In the last year, Emily has hit just about every point of development that you would expect of a baby. But, I only get to see her about once a month...sometimes less. So everytime I see her, it seems that she has changed so much. I just saw her two weeks ago, so I hope that this time not too much has changed! It amazes me how quickly one year can go by and how much a baby really does grow! Before I know it, Baby Number 2 will be born and we'll be doing it all over again. I can't wait for that one either! (FYI: Estimated Date of Arrival is October 6.)
Onto other news, I have been bit by the Spring Garden Bug. I have been spending a little bit of time each day outside, cleaning up from the winter months and prepping for the spring. I have huge dreams of what I want to do. Too bad my energy and finances can't keep up with my imagination! One day...maybe?
We have a lot of stuff that needs clearing away and that part isn't as fun to me as putting the new stuff in. Unfortunately it is a little difficult to do one without the other. It's that whole baby-steps thing again. It has to get done in stages and I don't really appreciate the process as much as the product. Oh, how God continuously teaches me about the state of my heart through every-day things! It really isn't just plants that I see this message in.
I need encouragement to not give up on the process even if I don't see the results I want immediately. It is far better to grow and hit some awkward stages along the way than it is to always stay the same. Right? At least this is what I have been told! Looking forward to posting updates along the way.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
This Weekend
This weekend was a whirlwind to say the least. So much so that I am still fighting the need to just stay in bed and rest all day. But it was SO worth it! I think that I enjoyed this past weekend more than I have enjoyed something in a long time.
So what did I do??? I traveled and saw friends and family.
Friday afternoon: Austin to Fredericksburg; saw Marcie, Jeff, and Emily
Saturday all day: Fredericksburg to Lubbock; saw Anna-Maria. Lubbock to Amarillo; saw Uncle Jerry and Aunt Carolyn
Sunday: Stayed in Amarillo; saw Uncle Jerry and Aunt Carolyn, Paw Paw, Uncle Gaylord and Aunt Eunice, Clay, Becky, Colt (cousins), a lot of people from church who have watched me grow up, several people who live with and care for my grandfather.
Monday all day: Amarillo to Abilene; saw Bryan, Olivia, and Baby-on-the-way Josiah. Abilene back to Austin.
Whoa! That was a long journey.
If you're in for more details, keep reading. Here's the scoop.
This weekend was my Paw Paw's 90th birthday. Wow! I haven't been able to go up and see my extended family in 3 years, including my amazing grandfather. It blows me away how time passes! It is spring break, and since I teach I have the week off (mostly). My mother was able to take a half day on Friday and get Monday off. That meant we had 3 1/2 days to travel from one end of Texas (not quite) to the other.
We started out at about 2:30 on Friday afternoon and drove to Fredericksburg to see my sister, brother and law, and my amazing niece Emily. We stayed there for the night - and lost a little bit of hearing as a result. Man can that baby scream...happy, sad, frustrated, overjoyed...it all contains a very LOUD and high-pitched, near chandelier-breaking scream! Oh but I LOVE her!! She's the best thing in my life!! And, did you know there is another baby on the way? Yes. The babies will be 18 months apart.
Bright and early Saturday morning, we hopped back into the car to make the drive to Amarillo. You go right through Lubbock on the way...which happens to be where one of my best friends from college lives. I haven't seen Anna-Maria in about three years. We stopped off at a coffee shop near her house and met up for about an hour. I could have sat there with her talking for four or five hours, but we just couldn't since we had to get to Amarillo before too late. It was SO wonderful to get to see her and hug her and just sit and talk. I miss my friend!
Before the hour was up, my mom was pointing at the watch and thinking about how late it was getting. So we said our goodbyes, got back on the highway and finished the drive to Amarillo. We got there at about 8:00 and my aunt and uncle (who we stayed with) had waited on dinner for us. So my uncle went out and got some tacos, we sat down, and ate! It was nice to eat something sitting at a table after a day of snacking on stuff in the car! We stayed up late catching up and enjoying each others presence. When it was time to hit the pillow I was so ready to crash that I didn't even read a page of my book before I fell asleep!
Sunday morning came much more quickly than my body wanted...it really wanted to just stay in bed and have a slow start to the day. But alas, it was time to get moving! My mom and I got ready for church and then went to go pick up my Paw Paw. It was a TOTAL surprise to him that we came! My uncle hadn't said anything to him because he didn't want to upset him if we didn't make it for some reason. I walked into his apartment and he just looked at me and blinked a few times as his smile grew wider. He said, "Well Hi Melonie Lynn. What are you doing here?" It was so sweet to see the joy in his face! I LOVE MY PAW PAW!!!! We packed up, went to church, lunch, birthday party, and back to church that night. Whew! It was a LONG day!! We stopped back off at my Paw Paw's to say goodnight and he was so worn out from the day that he couldn't even keep his eyes open. It was kind-of sad, but also a little cute. When we got back to the house to eat dinner, I was so tired that I didn't even feel like chewing! 8:30 hit, I grabbed my book and sat on the couch to read for a bit. I was just about ready to climb into bed when my uncle started a movie...which I got sucked into! We didn't go to bed until MIDNIGHT! Oh, My!! That is late for this little bug! But it was SO wonderful! I could tell that my uncle was so happy to have my mom and I just hanging out with him. And like I said before, I hadn't seen him in three years, so I wanted to get as much Uncle Jerry time in as I could!
Monday morning rolled around before we knew it. We took a little extra time getting ready to go and were out the door at about 9:00. We were ready to head back to Austin. On the way, we stopped off in Abilene (where I went to college) so that I could see another one of my school friends, Olivia. She is such a precious friend! I wanted to sit and catch up with her for hours, but neither of us could. My mom and I had to get back on the road and Olivia had an appointment. But, the stop was not without some amazing moments...I finally got to meet her husband, Bryan. I felt like I knew him already, but I had never been able to meet him. Now I have! Another very special moment is that Olivia is pregnant and I was able to lay my hands on her belly and pray for this very special and intended life! There is a long story there, but the bottom line is that God is amazingly GOOD and this growing life and healthy Mama are proof! The visit was short, but it was wonderful!
My mom and I got back in the car again. My mom wanted to go find some lunch; I wanted to go drive through campus. All I can say is that it's a little like returning home! So we drove around for a bit and got some food. It was nice to have a break from driving on the highway. We didn't take long and then we finished the rest of the stretch back to Austin. We pulled up into my drive-way right around 8:30 in the evening. My poor Mom. Even after getting me unloaded, she still had to make a 20 minute drive home and unload all of her stuff!
All in all, it was a great trip! There were no major incidences, no car problems, and a lot of good time for my mom and I to talk and catch up. I learned some things about her that I never knew...and I think she may have learned some things about me, too! I got to see a lot of people that I love and haven't been able to see in a long time. One sad part was that because it was spring break, most of my cousins were away. So of the 28 family members that live near-by, I only got to see 8. But it was still very much worth it! Now I get to recover!
Yesterday, I didn't leave the house. In fact, I didn't leave my pajamas! I just rested and stayed low-key. Today I am moving slowly, but have to get myself cleaned up to go run some errands and go to work tonight. It will happen. But right now, I think I might go take a nap. =)
This weekend was a whirlwind to say the least. So much so that I am still fighting the need to just stay in bed and rest all day. But it was SO worth it! I think that I enjoyed this past weekend more than I have enjoyed something in a long time.
So what did I do??? I traveled and saw friends and family.
Friday afternoon: Austin to Fredericksburg; saw Marcie, Jeff, and Emily
Saturday all day: Fredericksburg to Lubbock; saw Anna-Maria. Lubbock to Amarillo; saw Uncle Jerry and Aunt Carolyn
Sunday: Stayed in Amarillo; saw Uncle Jerry and Aunt Carolyn, Paw Paw, Uncle Gaylord and Aunt Eunice, Clay, Becky, Colt (cousins), a lot of people from church who have watched me grow up, several people who live with and care for my grandfather.
Monday all day: Amarillo to Abilene; saw Bryan, Olivia, and Baby-on-the-way Josiah. Abilene back to Austin.
Whoa! That was a long journey.
If you're in for more details, keep reading. Here's the scoop.
This weekend was my Paw Paw's 90th birthday. Wow! I haven't been able to go up and see my extended family in 3 years, including my amazing grandfather. It blows me away how time passes! It is spring break, and since I teach I have the week off (mostly). My mother was able to take a half day on Friday and get Monday off. That meant we had 3 1/2 days to travel from one end of Texas (not quite) to the other.
We started out at about 2:30 on Friday afternoon and drove to Fredericksburg to see my sister, brother and law, and my amazing niece Emily. We stayed there for the night - and lost a little bit of hearing as a result. Man can that baby scream...happy, sad, frustrated, overjoyed...it all contains a very LOUD and high-pitched, near chandelier-breaking scream! Oh but I LOVE her!! She's the best thing in my life!! And, did you know there is another baby on the way? Yes. The babies will be 18 months apart.
Bright and early Saturday morning, we hopped back into the car to make the drive to Amarillo. You go right through Lubbock on the way...which happens to be where one of my best friends from college lives. I haven't seen Anna-Maria in about three years. We stopped off at a coffee shop near her house and met up for about an hour. I could have sat there with her talking for four or five hours, but we just couldn't since we had to get to Amarillo before too late. It was SO wonderful to get to see her and hug her and just sit and talk. I miss my friend!
Before the hour was up, my mom was pointing at the watch and thinking about how late it was getting. So we said our goodbyes, got back on the highway and finished the drive to Amarillo. We got there at about 8:00 and my aunt and uncle (who we stayed with) had waited on dinner for us. So my uncle went out and got some tacos, we sat down, and ate! It was nice to eat something sitting at a table after a day of snacking on stuff in the car! We stayed up late catching up and enjoying each others presence. When it was time to hit the pillow I was so ready to crash that I didn't even read a page of my book before I fell asleep!
Sunday morning came much more quickly than my body wanted...it really wanted to just stay in bed and have a slow start to the day. But alas, it was time to get moving! My mom and I got ready for church and then went to go pick up my Paw Paw. It was a TOTAL surprise to him that we came! My uncle hadn't said anything to him because he didn't want to upset him if we didn't make it for some reason. I walked into his apartment and he just looked at me and blinked a few times as his smile grew wider. He said, "Well Hi Melonie Lynn. What are you doing here?" It was so sweet to see the joy in his face! I LOVE MY PAW PAW!!!! We packed up, went to church, lunch, birthday party, and back to church that night. Whew! It was a LONG day!! We stopped back off at my Paw Paw's to say goodnight and he was so worn out from the day that he couldn't even keep his eyes open. It was kind-of sad, but also a little cute. When we got back to the house to eat dinner, I was so tired that I didn't even feel like chewing! 8:30 hit, I grabbed my book and sat on the couch to read for a bit. I was just about ready to climb into bed when my uncle started a movie...which I got sucked into! We didn't go to bed until MIDNIGHT! Oh, My!! That is late for this little bug! But it was SO wonderful! I could tell that my uncle was so happy to have my mom and I just hanging out with him. And like I said before, I hadn't seen him in three years, so I wanted to get as much Uncle Jerry time in as I could!
Monday morning rolled around before we knew it. We took a little extra time getting ready to go and were out the door at about 9:00. We were ready to head back to Austin. On the way, we stopped off in Abilene (where I went to college) so that I could see another one of my school friends, Olivia. She is such a precious friend! I wanted to sit and catch up with her for hours, but neither of us could. My mom and I had to get back on the road and Olivia had an appointment. But, the stop was not without some amazing moments...I finally got to meet her husband, Bryan. I felt like I knew him already, but I had never been able to meet him. Now I have! Another very special moment is that Olivia is pregnant and I was able to lay my hands on her belly and pray for this very special and intended life! There is a long story there, but the bottom line is that God is amazingly GOOD and this growing life and healthy Mama are proof! The visit was short, but it was wonderful!
My mom and I got back in the car again. My mom wanted to go find some lunch; I wanted to go drive through campus. All I can say is that it's a little like returning home! So we drove around for a bit and got some food. It was nice to have a break from driving on the highway. We didn't take long and then we finished the rest of the stretch back to Austin. We pulled up into my drive-way right around 8:30 in the evening. My poor Mom. Even after getting me unloaded, she still had to make a 20 minute drive home and unload all of her stuff!
All in all, it was a great trip! There were no major incidences, no car problems, and a lot of good time for my mom and I to talk and catch up. I learned some things about her that I never knew...and I think she may have learned some things about me, too! I got to see a lot of people that I love and haven't been able to see in a long time. One sad part was that because it was spring break, most of my cousins were away. So of the 28 family members that live near-by, I only got to see 8. But it was still very much worth it! Now I get to recover!
Yesterday, I didn't leave the house. In fact, I didn't leave my pajamas! I just rested and stayed low-key. Today I am moving slowly, but have to get myself cleaned up to go run some errands and go to work tonight. It will happen. But right now, I think I might go take a nap. =)
Friday, March 4, 2011
I sometimes feel like I'm fighting with myself about who I really am. I know that in my core of cores I am miss au nautural. I believe in trusting the creation of the Lord to know the right thing to do. He made our bodies, mind, and soul. He made us to know how to do things. There is of course the learning curve. But where I am really going is that I feel like I was born in the wrong era! I feel like I am supposed to be some kind of prairie-woman or something. The things I gravitate to just don't seem to be the "norm" of 2011.
I love animals! I love babies! I love land! I have this DEEP desire to know what it feels like to carry a baby, birth said child without medical assistance and intervention, nurse that child...really until that child decides it doesn't want to nurse anymore. I don't really have an issue with 2 and 3 year olds who still nurse because they enjoy the special time they have with their mama! It doesn't bother me the way that I know it does so many other people. If I could draw out my ideal life, I would live in some Christian Community where life really looked a lot different than it does today. I would be married, have lots and lots of babies, allow other healthy women that I trust to nurse my children in my absence, and offer to nurse theirs when they couldn't. This just isn't normal. Well, I actually think it is quite normal. It just isn't the norm.
I am so torn at times. I feel like there is a huge part of me that is missing out on living the life I was created to live just because I am not married. Surely God has a plan. Surely His timing is right. I mean I believe it...I just doubt it sometimes because I feel like time is passing me by and my dreams are getting left in the dust.
I so badly want to experience the birthing process, that my heart has been engulfed with the desire to support others' through their birthing experience. I have made the decision...after about three years of thinking about it...to become a doula. I have been looking at various websites, seminars, etc to help me in preparing. But this is something that I almost feel like I just have to dive in to the deep end to really get the experience I am after. I don't know how, though. I am excited, but I am also TERRIFIED! I want to jump, but I am afraid of failing. I am afraid that I will start and get stuck somewhere along the line. I am concerned about affording everything in the training process and still being able to survive. Not that I am really raking in the money as a part-time pre-school teacher for a church-based mother's day out program. I mean, money is something I am learning to live without. But what about the time, the body stamina, all of the details? I am a little overwhelmed!
So, I once again come back to baby-steps. My baby-step number one is that I will report back in one month saying that I have purchased my first "text" book required. Then the following month, I will report back that I have read said text book. I don't know the rest of the baby steps yet, but this is at least a start. We'll see where the Lord takes me in this journey!
I love animals! I love babies! I love land! I have this DEEP desire to know what it feels like to carry a baby, birth said child without medical assistance and intervention, nurse that child...really until that child decides it doesn't want to nurse anymore. I don't really have an issue with 2 and 3 year olds who still nurse because they enjoy the special time they have with their mama! It doesn't bother me the way that I know it does so many other people. If I could draw out my ideal life, I would live in some Christian Community where life really looked a lot different than it does today. I would be married, have lots and lots of babies, allow other healthy women that I trust to nurse my children in my absence, and offer to nurse theirs when they couldn't. This just isn't normal. Well, I actually think it is quite normal. It just isn't the norm.
I am so torn at times. I feel like there is a huge part of me that is missing out on living the life I was created to live just because I am not married. Surely God has a plan. Surely His timing is right. I mean I believe it...I just doubt it sometimes because I feel like time is passing me by and my dreams are getting left in the dust.
I so badly want to experience the birthing process, that my heart has been engulfed with the desire to support others' through their birthing experience. I have made the decision...after about three years of thinking about it...to become a doula. I have been looking at various websites, seminars, etc to help me in preparing. But this is something that I almost feel like I just have to dive in to the deep end to really get the experience I am after. I don't know how, though. I am excited, but I am also TERRIFIED! I want to jump, but I am afraid of failing. I am afraid that I will start and get stuck somewhere along the line. I am concerned about affording everything in the training process and still being able to survive. Not that I am really raking in the money as a part-time pre-school teacher for a church-based mother's day out program. I mean, money is something I am learning to live without. But what about the time, the body stamina, all of the details? I am a little overwhelmed!
So, I once again come back to baby-steps. My baby-step number one is that I will report back in one month saying that I have purchased my first "text" book required. Then the following month, I will report back that I have read said text book. I don't know the rest of the baby steps yet, but this is at least a start. We'll see where the Lord takes me in this journey!
Great Day!!
There is this little boy that I periodically babysit. I have had the privilege of caring for him since he was a little baby. Now he is two! He is so big and enjoys trying to do things on his own. He is just so much fun! Every time I baby sit him, I leave in such a wonderful mood. He is just that spectacular! Today, as the day was winding down, I started to get my bag together. He looked over at me and said, "You leave me now? Don't leave me Lynn." I assured him that I was not going to leave him alone (his dad wasn't home from work yet). I said, "I love you, V-." He looked back at me and said, "No. I love you!" OH MY GOODNESS!!! My heart just about fell apart right then! It is so amazing to have little people in your life to remind you of the simple ways of loving!
Today was SO much better than yesterday! And you know what? I get to baby sit V again tomorrow!!
There is this little boy that I periodically babysit. I have had the privilege of caring for him since he was a little baby. Now he is two! He is so big and enjoys trying to do things on his own. He is just so much fun! Every time I baby sit him, I leave in such a wonderful mood. He is just that spectacular! Today, as the day was winding down, I started to get my bag together. He looked over at me and said, "You leave me now? Don't leave me Lynn." I assured him that I was not going to leave him alone (his dad wasn't home from work yet). I said, "I love you, V-." He looked back at me and said, "No. I love you!" OH MY GOODNESS!!! My heart just about fell apart right then! It is so amazing to have little people in your life to remind you of the simple ways of loving!
Today was SO much better than yesterday! And you know what? I get to baby sit V again tomorrow!!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
I have once again gone on a hiatus from blog-writing. Not sure why...just haven't gotten around to it???
Tonight I went back and read the last several things I have written and got inspired to jot down a few more ramblings. Tonight's entry is more of a vent. My day was...
The truth is that today was a rough day. Really, this week has just been a bit more than I want to deal with. There has been roommate arguing, getting thrown up on, house-hold repair issues, temper tantrums, pain, and so much more. I get so tired of disagreeing and trying to make things right, yet I seem to be stuck in this loop with one of my roommates in particular. It's just down-right yucky! And my attitude stinks, which really doesn't help us out! I wish that I could just figure out how to set the reset button. It has to exist somewhere! But alas, I can not find it! Take this drama and add in the general life stuff that often feels over-wheming, and that is where I am. Plus I have also had to up the prednisone I take for RA ... I feel like there is a lion roaring inside of me and fighting to get out and tear up anything it doesn't like! I really do feel like I am about to jump out of my skin sometimes. I hate it! Then, about half-way through work today I got a horrid migraine. I haven't had one that bad in a while. I was able to choke it back pretty well, but I almost didn't make it home from work because I was so disoriented! I came home, ate, drugged, rested. Much better! Tomorrow I am babysitting and hoping and praying for a much better new day! I'm also hoping that my body levels out from these medication issues.
I know I probably sound like a little complainy-whiny Lynn. I am! At least sometimes I am. And sometimes - like now - I don't want to add in the silver-lining spin. I just want to feel a little bit sorry for myself. OK... I'm done.
Thank you, Lord that your mercies are in fact new EACH day!! I thank you for the blessing of today and ask for forgiveness for the places where my flesh keeps me from receiving the mercies you have for me! I pray for sweet, peaceful rest. And I pray that I will remember to be grateful throughout my day tomorrow. For YOU are my daily bread!
Tonight I went back and read the last several things I have written and got inspired to jot down a few more ramblings. Tonight's entry is more of a vent. My day was...
The truth is that today was a rough day. Really, this week has just been a bit more than I want to deal with. There has been roommate arguing, getting thrown up on, house-hold repair issues, temper tantrums, pain, and so much more. I get so tired of disagreeing and trying to make things right, yet I seem to be stuck in this loop with one of my roommates in particular. It's just down-right yucky! And my attitude stinks, which really doesn't help us out! I wish that I could just figure out how to set the reset button. It has to exist somewhere! But alas, I can not find it! Take this drama and add in the general life stuff that often feels over-wheming, and that is where I am. Plus I have also had to up the prednisone I take for RA ... I feel like there is a lion roaring inside of me and fighting to get out and tear up anything it doesn't like! I really do feel like I am about to jump out of my skin sometimes. I hate it! Then, about half-way through work today I got a horrid migraine. I haven't had one that bad in a while. I was able to choke it back pretty well, but I almost didn't make it home from work because I was so disoriented! I came home, ate, drugged, rested. Much better! Tomorrow I am babysitting and hoping and praying for a much better new day! I'm also hoping that my body levels out from these medication issues.
I know I probably sound like a little complainy-whiny Lynn. I am! At least sometimes I am. And sometimes - like now - I don't want to add in the silver-lining spin. I just want to feel a little bit sorry for myself. OK... I'm done.
Thank you, Lord that your mercies are in fact new EACH day!! I thank you for the blessing of today and ask for forgiveness for the places where my flesh keeps me from receiving the mercies you have for me! I pray for sweet, peaceful rest. And I pray that I will remember to be grateful throughout my day tomorrow. For YOU are my daily bread!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Destiny
When I take those moments in life to stop and think about who I am, where I have come from, and where I am going, it is very easy to see the numerous places that I have missed the mark. Whatever the mark may be! It is all too tempting to see the “bad” me; to see the numerous places that I have failed to meet the expectations of friends, family, employers, myself, and God. But I want to look at things differently! I don’t want to look back and see my failures anymore! I want to look back and see my successes! I am tired of measuring myself by what I have not accomplished; by what I do not have.
How do I do that?
I don’t have some great prescribed, or even contrived, answer. Like most things in life, I think it must start with baby steps! Baby steps are hard for me! I like to start and finish and in one breath! So how do I baby-step something like this? After all, I am asking myself to see myself in a completely different way! My grandmother used to say, “Well, you’ve got to start somewhere, so you might as well just start!” How apropos! So where do I start?
Maybe a good place to start is to list out some of the things that I know God created me to do. Where am I at in these things? What has the Lord been able to use me for?
How about just thanking God for all of the things He created me to do! He made me with vision and purpose in mind! And He is God, creator of all things big and little. So, if He thinks I am worth having a destiny, then surely I am!
Over time, I have thought a lot about destiny! For a while I thought that my obsession was because I was just lost in this world. I kind of felt like the sheep who wandered away from the heard. Only I didn’t really feel like anyone was looking for me. I felt like I had to find my own way back to the flock. Maybe that is part of the blindness that comes with being a sheep. Over time, I have decided that I am not really that unique in wanting to know what God created me for. I think it is that most people have an innate desire or need to know that they were made for a reason! Jeremiah says both, “You were created in your mother’s womb with a purpose” and “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord”. Well, shouldn’t we be asking, “What is that purpose? What are those plans?”
If I had to put into one word what I think my destiny is about, I would say “children.” I believe that the Lord created me for children! For a long time, I was happy taking care of other people’s children, but I didn’t really believe that I could be living out my destiny if I didn’t have children of my own. I still want…crave…to have children of my own one day, but I can see things a little more clearly now. I don’t know exactly what made this shift come, but I know it has something to do with understanding the heart of God as a Father a bit better! But now, I can live my day and declare that I am not only preparing for my destiny, but living my destiny each and every day!
The Lord created me to declare His truth, blessing, and love over children!
I don’t have to have children of my own to do this! I get to do it every day that I walk into my classroom, every time I baby-sit for friends, every time I hold my niece! I get to live out my destiny just by loving on babies!
I have a dear friend who is a Children's Pastor at a church. I used to work in the baby room and when recruiting helpers to assist, she would often say, “I just need someone to hold babies and love on them.” I used to get slightly offended by this. I loved taking care of the babies, but I just felt like this phrase was misleading. It made me feel like whoever the helper was, they would expect to just sit in a rocking chair and hold a baby and do the fun stuff, but I would have to change the diapers, stress over which child eats what and when, etc. I didn’t like that a place that requires so much work was introduced in such a casual way. Well, I was wrong! Schedules are important. Babies are much happier (and so are their adult friends) when they get fed on time, have clean underpants, and get a little nap or two in during the day! This is true! I knew they needed to be loved on, but I was seeing love in the aspect of meeting their physical needs. I always wanted to meet their spiritual needs as well, but I somehow put that as secondary to taking care of the basics. What I was wrong about was the value in having people present to just hold and love on each of these precious ones! We all need to know that we are loved! We all need to know that we are special enough for someone to take time to cuddle with us! We all need to know that we are welcome; not in the way! I think that far too often, we treat children in dismissive ways! I know I have been guilty!
The other night I was babysitting a 6 year old (Amy) and a 1 year old (Samantha). We went to a restaurant for dinner as a special treat. Amy was so excited about having a fun date that she would NOT stop talking!! Every other second she would say, “Oh and that reminds me of another story!” At one point in time her little six-year-old head was balancing the telling of 3 stories…simultaneously! Her little sister, Samantha, is fairly low maintenance. But being one-year-old, she requires some assistance in eating. I was trying to feed her and listen to story #203 and I all of a sudden felt my head get so overwhelmed that I just looked at Amy. In my head I thought, “Child, what do I need to do to make you stop talking for 5 minutes?” I knew that wasn’t what I wanted to convey…she was welcome to be with me. She was not in the way! I wanted her there…maybe a little less vocal…but I still wanted her to be with me! So, I took a second and what came out of my mouth was this… “Amy, I bless you as a story-teller! God has given you the gift of telling stories! He likes hearing you tell stories and so do I! But I need to give Samantha some attention now, and my ears need a little break. I need you to take a few minutes and eat your dinner. Can you please save your stories for a little while?”
You should have seen the excitement in her eyes! She had been exhorted as a story-teller instead of being told she was talking too much! When I told her, “God made you a story-teller”, she even agreed and said, “That’s right!” At the end of that little teaching moment (for myself as well as Amy) I felt really good about the way I handled things. I felt like I had remembered that Amy was created with a purpose…I don’t know that her purpose involves telling stories, but I do know that God gave her the desire and ability to recount details and communicate those things to other people! I want to bless her in that and encourage her, rather than leave her feeling like she is weak or less of a person because of her need and desire to talk a lot! That was a moment when I felt like I had lived out my destiny…to declare God’s truth, blessing, and love for children! How amazing to get to the end of the day and be able to say, “I have lived out my destiny for today!”
Monday, August 9, 2010
Declaration
This is a small list of the many ways that God has brought healing into my life in this past year. WOW! How amazing is our God, that He is capable so much more that we know or see!
1. Delivered me from the belief that I am my provider.
2. Replaced a spirit of abandonment with security.
3. Healed me of chronic debilitating migraines! Oh yeah!!
4. Removed a spirit of fear...fear that tangled through me in ways I didn't even know...and replaced it with truth of my identity and the authority through Him.
5. Showed me the loving heart of a Father. How a Father loves, provides, disciplines, and embraces His child!
6. Delivered me from un-forgiveness. The Lord has given me the grace and mercy to forgive people who have hurt me and offended me - without even needing them to ask for my forgiveness. This was HUGE! I didn't really know how long the list was of people that I held offense again, until I was able to start forgiving some of the "big" ones.
7. Along with forgiveness, God has freed me to be able to pray for the blessing of His love and hope for my (physical) father. This was honestly the biggest thing that I think has ever happened to me! I haven't been able to pray for this for my father, primarily because I hadn't been able to set him free from the places he had wounded me.
8. God is teaching me how to cry! That may sound dumb to some, but I have never been very good at crying things out. Sometimes you just need to cry. There is something cleansing for the spirit in it. But I haven't been able to. My tendency has been to stop myself as soon as I start to cry. Then eventually there is so much built up that I just spend a good 10 minutes weeping and then crash once or twice a year. Even that 10 minute sob is very hard for me to get out!
9. I've been given a greater humility to acknowledge and ask for forgiveness for ways that I have injured others! This is pretty big, too...it means not only admitting I was wrong, but also declaring that my words or actions hurt someone else.
10. The Lord has brought greater freedom from RA pain and debilitation. I can snap again! And I can clap! I love to just snap and clap away while I am worshiping, because I feel like it is a way of declaring the goodness of God!
Now I call that an awesome testimony! Thank you God, for the blessing of your love! Thank you for teaching me...showing me a greater measure of the love you have for me! Thank you for making me new each day! You amaze me!
This is a small list of the many ways that God has brought healing into my life in this past year. WOW! How amazing is our God, that He is capable so much more that we know or see!
1. Delivered me from the belief that I am my provider.
2. Replaced a spirit of abandonment with security.
3. Healed me of chronic debilitating migraines! Oh yeah!!
4. Removed a spirit of fear...fear that tangled through me in ways I didn't even know...and replaced it with truth of my identity and the authority through Him.
5. Showed me the loving heart of a Father. How a Father loves, provides, disciplines, and embraces His child!
6. Delivered me from un-forgiveness. The Lord has given me the grace and mercy to forgive people who have hurt me and offended me - without even needing them to ask for my forgiveness. This was HUGE! I didn't really know how long the list was of people that I held offense again, until I was able to start forgiving some of the "big" ones.
7. Along with forgiveness, God has freed me to be able to pray for the blessing of His love and hope for my (physical) father. This was honestly the biggest thing that I think has ever happened to me! I haven't been able to pray for this for my father, primarily because I hadn't been able to set him free from the places he had wounded me.
8. God is teaching me how to cry! That may sound dumb to some, but I have never been very good at crying things out. Sometimes you just need to cry. There is something cleansing for the spirit in it. But I haven't been able to. My tendency has been to stop myself as soon as I start to cry. Then eventually there is so much built up that I just spend a good 10 minutes weeping and then crash once or twice a year. Even that 10 minute sob is very hard for me to get out!
9. I've been given a greater humility to acknowledge and ask for forgiveness for ways that I have injured others! This is pretty big, too...it means not only admitting I was wrong, but also declaring that my words or actions hurt someone else.
10. The Lord has brought greater freedom from RA pain and debilitation. I can snap again! And I can clap! I love to just snap and clap away while I am worshiping, because I feel like it is a way of declaring the goodness of God!
Now I call that an awesome testimony! Thank you God, for the blessing of your love! Thank you for teaching me...showing me a greater measure of the love you have for me! Thank you for making me new each day! You amaze me!
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Bio
I've been wanting to change my bio for my blog, but I just haven't done it! I even wrote something out, but then the computer got shut down before it got saved. I've really been thinking about what my blog says about me lately. Does it portray the image and stories I want to out-live me? The thing that really got me thinking about this was that I feel like I have changed a lot since I last updated my blog bio. It's still me, and the stories along the way are me. But is the introduction still who I am? I don't think so. I think there is a little more substance...a little more experience in life. And even with that, I still feel like I just began the journey of discovering who I am and what God created me for!
I don't have an updated version to post for now, but I think I'm going to be thinking about it a little harder. Maybe one day soon I'll actually get around to doing it!
I've been wanting to change my bio for my blog, but I just haven't done it! I even wrote something out, but then the computer got shut down before it got saved. I've really been thinking about what my blog says about me lately. Does it portray the image and stories I want to out-live me? The thing that really got me thinking about this was that I feel like I have changed a lot since I last updated my blog bio. It's still me, and the stories along the way are me. But is the introduction still who I am? I don't think so. I think there is a little more substance...a little more experience in life. And even with that, I still feel like I just began the journey of discovering who I am and what God created me for!
I don't have an updated version to post for now, but I think I'm going to be thinking about it a little harder. Maybe one day soon I'll actually get around to doing it!
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