The Rest of the Day


In relation to my earlier post, I haven't had a chance to even look up the directions on how to include an MP3 in a post. Since it is now officially tomorrow, I am not worrying about getting it done today - it will happen when it happens!


Right after I posted, I got a call from a friend and left as soon as I got my stuff together. She is 32 weeks pregnant and because of bleeding, has been ordered onto bedrest for the second time in this pregnancy. I stopped by the market to get dinner for her family and then went over to keep her company for a little bit and to pray for her and her unborn daughter, Willow. I was honored to have the opportunity to pray for them and to speak blessings into Willow, before she has even been born. I just wish that it wasn't stimulated by concern!

After spending some time with her and her family, I left and went to our local House of Prayer for worship and prayer for the city. It was great! The worship was amazing, the teaching was great, and the prayer time was truly inspired! God never ceases to amaze me. Even when I am angry at Him and tossing around huge questions, He is close!

It is late - or early- and I need to go to bed. God, thank you for being close to the broken-hearted. You know all of the events, the ups and the downs of the past week and I thank you that you are close! Continue to speak your blessing and understanding and help me to keep my eyes on you. You are the source of my affection!

Like A Rushing River

It seems the last couple of weeks have been filled with valleys and mountains, one right after the other. I am tired! I feel like one minute I am crying out and asking God "why" and the next I am shouting out and rejoicing. I feel very worn out and fatigued, but I also still feel like I am grieving and mourning even when I am happy about something unrelated. It has just been weird! Through all of it, I seem to have been drawn to one particular song, "Like A Rushing River" by Misty Edwards. It seems to say what I can not. So, I thought I would share it. It is very long (about 10 minutes playing) but well worth listening to, in my opinion. Below are the words and once I figure out how, I will attach my MP3. It may just take a little while to decipher blogger directions.

Like a Rushing River
Misty Edwards

Like a rushing river am I
Like a raging torrent inside
I find that I’m full of knowing nothing
I find that I’m hungry for the fullness of Christ
Like a rushing river am I
Like a raging torrent inside
I find that I’m free falling again
I’m letting go of the mountain view
Letting go but wanting to
(repeat)

I’ve been crucified with Christ
I’ve been crucified with Christ
I’ve been crucified with Christ
Yet not I, for one thing I know

You make all things beautiful
You make all things beautiful
You make all things beautiful
Just in time
And just in time
You make all things beautiful
You make all things beautiful
You make all things beautiful
Just in time
It’s just a matter of time, time
It’s just a matter of time

So into your hands, into your hands I fall
Into your hands, into your hands I fall
Into your hands, so into your hands I fall

For you will make all things beautiful
You make all things beautiful
You make all things beautiful
Just in time
It’s just a matter of time, time, time
It’s just a matter of time, time, time

On you I wait
On you I wait
On you I wait, all of my days!
On you I wait
On you I wait, always
On you I wait, all of my days!
All of my days!

No one who waits on you will ever be ashamed
No one who waits will ever be disappointed
It’s just a matter of time
It’s just a matter of time
It’s just a matter of time

So calm down my soul
Calm down and know
Calm down my soul
Calm down and know
His yoke is easy
His burden is light
Is simply cost everything
But He’s not too mysterious

It’s not for the wise in their own eyes
It’s not for the mighty or the rich
But He has saved himself for me
He has saved himself for me

So calm down my soul
Just calm down and know
Just calm down my soul
Calm down and know
No one who waits on the Lord will ever be ashamed
For wisdom will be justified
In just a matter of time, time, time
It’s just a matter of time, time, time

And you will make all things beautiful
You will make all things beautiful
You will make all things beautiful
Just in time
It’s just a matter of time
It’s just a matter of time

Calm down my soul
Be quiet within me
And put your trust in God

From where your help comes from
From where your help comes from
Just calm down my soul and wait
It’s just a matter of time
It’s just a matter of time

A Wonderful Night

I had my Christmas party last night. It was so much fun for me! I was exhausted by the time people got here, from cleaning and cooking and getting everything ready. But, the excitement overcame and I had a blast! We had dinner together and then played games. Then we did a gift exchange and played more games. After everyone else left, my sister stayed and we hung out and talked until 5:00 in the morning! I can't believe it! It was such a wonderful night! I just feel very blessed right now!

A Little Disappointed

Today I had a doctor's appointment for a check up with my rheumatologist. I have been experiencing more pain and fatigue lately, so I knew it was likely that there may be some changes in my medications. The exam and tests confirmed that there is further progression of the RA and that the current immune therapy that I am on is not sufficient. I will continue taking the same medication, but will now have to give myself injections weekly instead of every other week. I will keep taking anti-inflammatories and cortisone for inflammation and pain management.

After I left the doctor, I just started crying in my car. I am not mad at God right now, but I am disappointed! I just don't understand! I wish I had a greater understanding of what God sees and what His plans for me are!

God, please be the comfort and understanding that I need right now! Please speak to the places in my heart that seem to be like roaring ocean waves in a storm. Spirit speak. "Peace, be still." I know Jesus, that you bore everything and you are no stranger to the pain, discontentment, or fear that I have. I also trust that in you, all things are made perfect. Please teach me what I need and continue to refine me more and more into your image. Lord, in all things I will praise your name! Let me know you and love you more and more!

On a very happy note, I am excited because I am having a Christmas party tomorrow night. I can hardly wait! I have a lot to do to get ready still, but I am just so excited to be able to have my friends come over! I love having friends over and being a hostess!

What's In A Story?

I have several posts it "edit" mode. I think I may be feeling a little less than certain of my writing abilities these days. I'm not sure why, but I am just having a hard time letting go of my words. So right now, I am promising myself that I am going to complete this post and publish it...even if I don't think the words made their way onto the notepad in the perfect order!

I mentioned quite some time ago that I felt God was prodding me to spend some time preparing my testimony. I have had this sense of urgency on needing to have an account ready of how my relationship with God started and has developed. I think it is important for all of us. But this was something that I felt I needed to spend some time really focusing on and seeking how to put it all in order and getting comfortable telling people about. I think that was a big part of it! I need to feel comfortable - unashamed, humble, honest!

These are qualities that are important to me. The thing is, my "story" is full of places of shame - things that I generally feel safer hiding (or hiding from) and when I start sharing my testimony I get very uncomfortable sharing a lot of these places. A lot of it is that I am afraid of what people will think. I've said before that I don't think the point of telling a testimony is to unload every event in one's life, but rather to point to Jesus in that individual; to answer the question of who He is to that person, how that relationship came into existence, and how the individual has been impacted by that relationship. I think something people often struggle with in delivering a testimony is how to answer these questions without providing all of the details of their life. I also think that some of the most powerful testimonies I have heard are those where the person speaking is honest about the places God has redeemed or is in the process of redeeming in them. This is what I want to be able to do - without leaving people thinking I am screwed up!

So, I decided a few months ago that this was important and I needed to work on it. Then, in September my small group leaders said that around January they would like to have everyone give their testimony so that we could get to know each other a little better and see some of what God has done and is doing in the lives of our group members. We all agreed this would be a good thing, but didn't talk much more about it until recently. I worked on preparing my story, but figured it would be a while before I really shared it with anyone.

A couple of weeks ago I was on a ladies retreat with my church and it was amazing - throughout the weekend, I had many opportunities to speak with women and very naturally deliver pieces of who I am. I realized after the weekend was over, as I was reflecting back, that in the duration of one weekend and about 10 conversations I had almost completely delivered my testimony. It was SO awesome to me to see how God had prepared me for that time!

Not everything came out as perfect as I would like it, but then again we are talking about me...very little ever measures up to my expectations! It is one of my great flaws - I am a perfectionist! The fact is, it came out. And it happened in unexpected and natural ways. Now I have to put it all together and figure out what to keep in and take out for delivering it to my small group. We actually started sharing this week, but I am not sharing for a while. I think it will be in February. What would be really cool is if it ended up being March and it could be right around my 10 year anniversary of when I gave my life over to Christ! Wouldn't that be cool!?

A Great Awakening

The challenges of living with 5 other people have already begun this morning. It is only ten after nine. I woke up this morning to the sound of a toy accordian - which is a miniature version of a real one and is really LOUD! At one point, I could hear the makings of a rudimentary version of "Happy Birthday". In addition to the accordian playing, Aliya and Kase were screaming at each other. It went something like this:
(overlying squealing of the accordian playing)
Aliya: Stop Kase (pronounced "Tase" by Aliya)
Kase: No! Aliya noooooo (in a whining 5 yr old boy voice)
(more accordian playing
Aliya: Stop now Kase. STO-O-O-O-OP.
Kase: No, Aliya. Aliya noooooo
(a little more accordian playing)
You get the idea - basically not what you want to wake up to! Oh, and the accordian playing was at 8:20am and it was Gary (the dad) playing it right next to the wall my bedroom shares with the dining room. Needless to say, I was a little ticked off! I turned up my sound machine and tried to drown out the noise. It didn't help. I covered my head with my pillow. No help there! I decided that the battle was lost and got up.

I emerged from my dark cave into the brightness of rooms with all of the lights on - and a bunch of sound! The TV on very loudly - one child watches. The accordian playing loudly - another child watches. The third child was just running wildly through the house. They were having fun! Shouldn't that make me happy? Not at 8:35 on a Saturday morning! I looked at Gary with my annoyed-sleepy face and proclaimed, "That thing is really annoying when people are sleeping!" He says, "Oh - with a small giggle." I proceeded to the bathroom to finish waking up and adjust to the fact that I would not be sleeping in. A few minutes later, I emerged from the bathroom, ready to start my day.

I went into the kitchen to make breakfast. There lay an open bag of rolls - the ones my mother made for Thanksgiving and sent me home with. The bag was almost empty. There are two left. The bag was full. I put them on my side of the counter under the sign that says "Lynn's Produce". (yes, I know bread is not produce, but there is only enough space in the bread basket for one loaf - which is already there.) I didn't put my name on it, because I thought the fact that it was on my side, under my sign would be enough. I was wrong! Realizing my error, I put my name on the bag. Gary walked into the kitchen a little later and I asked him (very politely - dispite the earlier annoyance of the accordian playing) to please not eat the last ones because those are mine that my mom made and I would like to have them. He explained why he didn't know they were mine. I think he was left a little ticked off at me. He probably thinks - the girl has been awake for 30 minutes and already I have done two things to make her mad. I'm not mad though - eating the bread was an honest mistake. I am still a little irritated at how I got woken up, though.

I guess those are just some of the things that come with living with other people. A plus...coffee was ready! I just poured a cup of hot coffee while I was making my toast. If I was living alone, I would have had to make it first. I really do appreciate the coffee - it is the little things in life!

My Hamster is Ready to Rest!

Do you ever have those moments when there are so many thoughts in your head it feels like you can't even complete one before the others start up? I know I'm not the only one that is plagued by this phenomena that I frequently call "hamster overload". Lately I have been experiencing hamster overload on a far too regular basis. My brain (aka: hamster) just needs a break!

This weekend I am going on a retreat. It is our annual Ladies Retreat with my church. I will not be alone - far from it in fact- but I hope that during this time away from the day-to-day of standard life that I will be able to calm my mind and Spirit a bit and become a little less overloaded! I am looking forward to it! I even borrowed a camera from a friend. Maybe I will have pictures to share next week, along with all of the lessons I am left to ponder for the next year.

What I know for now is that I am leaving work and I don't have to be back until Tuesday. Boy is my hamster happy!

Writer's Block or Heart Block?


I have had a little bit of writer's block lately. I am not quite sure that is the right phrase. Maybe it is more like heart block. I have had a lot of things to say, they just don't quite come out in full. They start, but then there is this welling pang inside of me and whatever started quickly ceases it's existence.

Don't bother asking the question "why" because the answer is going to be some vague response that boils down to "I just don't know." There has been a lot of joy and a lot of sorrow and a lot of looking backward and forward going on in the last week or so. I think it has just left a puddle of muddle! Here are a few of the things that have been stirring in my heart.

I have been adjusting to this new phase of RA. I haven't been feeling well. I have had more pain and have not been sleeping well. I think part of it may be progression of the disease (which is not a surprise) and part of it may just be related to weather changes - getting cooler, rain, etc. Whatever it is, I don't think I have been coping as well as I would like to. I praise God and pray and ask Him to teach me to pray, but still I am just not satisfied. I am not sure that is a bad thing, though.

I have also been working on putting together my testimony, which has caused me to look back at a lot of places that I have been - which have at times been pretty messy. The flip side of that is the amazing mercy with which God has taken me from and brought me to. That in and of itself has the power to leave me overcome with emotion; so overcome in fact that I don't even know how to express it!

There is also the issue with my church body that I brought up a couple of weeks ago. There is still pain and still brokenness. There is recovery in process, too! Some people have chosen to leave. Some people have chosen to stay, but have shown sides of themselves that will be very hard to forget - even as forgiveness occurs. I guess that is part of "family" life - at some point you are going to see things that leave a bitter taste in your mouth, but you are still family and you just have to work through it! I still believe that God is doing something amazing for His Kingdom in the city I live in through this church and this is a time of preparation and strengthening for the fires that are to come. It brings comfort to trust that God's hand is over this - it doesn't make it any less painful. As I said, we are in recovery. We have had some amazing progress in the last couple of weeks, but time will be needed. I really think that we are and will be stronger because of adversity - but only if we remember to keep our eyes on Christ!

Then, on the amazingly joy-filled; nothing can get me down side of things there is this. I have a friend who has an amazing life-story. She has gone through a lot of trial; primarily related to an illness. She has chosen to put it in the hands of God. She gives Him the glory through everything - the good and the bad. Her story is one that has a lot of pain and grief. After much waiting and pleading before the throne of God, she is finally getting a baby! This is a baby that she has longed for and finally she is getting her! I couldn't be happier for her! I want to laugh and dance and cry and praise God with everything that is in me! I am just so overwhelmed by the faithfulness and love of God! And, I am so happy that my friend is finally getting what she has longed for. It just feels so right!

I think I am going to leave it there for now. That seems like a good place to stop. I may come back and write more later, but for now this is enough.

Comments

I need comments! Good? Bad? Mediocre? It doesn't matter to me what they are. I would just like some feedback to let me know that people are out there. So after you read my thoughts, take a moment to share a few of yours with me! Thank you, in advance!

Transparency

One of my goals in having this blog is to grow in transparency. Transparency is not something that I have traditionally done well. Like many people, I don't like to be vulnerable and being transparent makes one pretty vulnerable. One of the things I have noted is that the people in my life who are transparent are also pretty humble. I am not. I pray, however, to become more humble. Maybe there's a connection between humility and transparency!

Why is it that humility is so hard? Why is it so hard to admit when I don't know how to do something? Why can't I just say that I don't always have the answer? And why is the basic art of honesty so difficult? If someone asks me how I am doing and the true answer is not that great, why can't I just say that? Why do I have to come up with some positive spin on the truth? Do I really think that everything in life has to be good all the time or is it that I don't want to expose that everything in my life is not always perfect?

Sure there are boundaries. I am not suggesting that every person I meet wants to know all of the inner workings of my heart. But, I know when I ask someone how they are doing I want to know the real anwer and I get offended if I think they are not being honest with me when they answer. So why do I do the exact same thing? What would happen if I started telling people "I am ___ today." (fill in the blank with sad, happy, angry, hurting, etc.) Some people may walk away because they don't know how to respond. Others may start talking about how they have really been feeling. Maybe if I could be more transparent about a little thing like how I am doing, there would actually be a sense of freedom that is ushered in. Maybe.

So, what brought up the topic of transparency? I haven't been feeling well this week. I have been more tired lately and my pain level has been higher than normal. I have asked a few people this week to be praying for me, but as a whole, I have not been very good about letting people know where I am or why. I think a lot of the time that people get just as tired of me not feeling well as I am of not feeling well...probably for very different reasons, though. So, I stop telling them what is going on. The problem with that is that then I am trying to do things on my own and I am not living a transparent life. How do I rectify this? I am not really sure what the answer is. I am just brain-storming; thinking on paper. I don't really know what this is supposed to look like, so I don't know how to get there! What I do know is that I don't have all of the answers and I don't know how to do this well. I am committed to doing it to the best that I know how, but I need help! I need help from the people in my life. And more than anything, I need help from my King of Kings! I will keep my eyes fixed on the cross!