Transparency
One of my goals in having this blog is to grow in transparency. Transparency is not something that I have traditionally done well. Like many people, I don't like to be vulnerable and being transparent makes one pretty vulnerable. One of the things I have noted is that the people in my life who are transparent are also pretty humble. I am not. I pray, however, to become more humble. Maybe there's a connection between humility and transparency!
Why is it that humility is so hard? Why is it so hard to admit when I don't know how to do something? Why can't I just say that I don't always have the answer? And why is the basic art of honesty so difficult? If someone asks me how I am doing and the true answer is not that great, why can't I just say that? Why do I have to come up with some positive spin on the truth? Do I really think that everything in life has to be good all the time or is it that I don't want to expose that everything in my life is not always perfect?
Sure there are boundaries. I am not suggesting that every person I meet wants to know all of the inner workings of my heart. But, I know when I ask someone how they are doing I want to know the real anwer and I get offended if I think they are not being honest with me when they answer. So why do I do the exact same thing? What would happen if I started telling people "I am ___ today." (fill in the blank with sad, happy, angry, hurting, etc.) Some people may walk away because they don't know how to respond. Others may start talking about how they have really been feeling. Maybe if I could be more transparent about a little thing like how I am doing, there would actually be a sense of freedom that is ushered in. Maybe.
So, what brought up the topic of transparency? I haven't been feeling well this week. I have been more tired lately and my pain level has been higher than normal. I have asked a few people this week to be praying for me, but as a whole, I have not been very good about letting people know where I am or why. I think a lot of the time that people get just as tired of me not feeling well as I am of not feeling well...probably for very different reasons, though. So, I stop telling them what is going on. The problem with that is that then I am trying to do things on my own and I am not living a transparent life. How do I rectify this? I am not really sure what the answer is. I am just brain-storming; thinking on paper. I don't really know what this is supposed to look like, so I don't know how to get there! What I do know is that I don't have all of the answers and I don't know how to do this well. I am committed to doing it to the best that I know how, but I need help! I need help from the people in my life. And more than anything, I need help from my King of Kings! I will keep my eyes fixed on the cross!
1 comment:
The world is a stinky place sometimes...when people are hurt we tell them to keep going, when someone dies, we excpect them to go to work the next day, when others are sad, we don't want to burden or let someone know because it will be hard for us and them to know. Is it just the US? Some of it is. Transparency is needed because we need people to be real, but our transparency should reflect struggle that points to Jesus and gives us hope. When I started Chemo there was nothing in me that could pretend anymore. I even hated "small talk." I didn't feel like others really cared...it was what they were supposed to do, right? But I know there is some sort of middle ground besides syaing I don't want to talk to them because they seem like they don't care...I guess I just searched and found those who did and had to come to terms with the fact there will be those who don't get it. I also gave myself permission to not have to care or go out of my way to explain and sutff like that. Your illness is hard to understand so I can see that you may be getting those who just don't get it. People look at me all the time and think I am well and don't seem to understand what Lupus can do.
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