I'm A Captive Set Free

I have been giving my blog a "make-over" this past week. I felt part of that was updating my profile. Here is what I started out with before narrowing it down to 1200 characters. Really - it is at exactly the 1200 character limit now! Enjoy!

I write these things because I am a captive set free! A captive to depression, fear, sickness, and sin. The good news is that I have been set free by the love and mercy of my precious savior, Jesus Christ! Through Him, freedom has been ushered into many areas of my life and I know there is more to come!

In college, I suffered from depression. I found my greatest friends during this time to be God and writing. In fact, in large part I discovered the love that God has for me through writing. The massive chasm between the got-it-together life I attempted to portray and the torrents of pain I was really living in was eating away at me. I was very new to following Christ and was recovering from a lot of hurt that I had grown up with. Writing was a way to focus my inner voice and give it a way to speak. It was also a way for me to hear what the Lord had to say to me.

In 2oo3, I went to visit a friend who lived out of town. While attending her church, a word was spoken over me, as an anointing to "write and speak the word of God for a new generation to know His affection." I was re-invigorated to begin writing again; something that I had become fairly complacent in. I had a new desire to be disciplined in this.

In the summer of 2007 I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA), an auto-immune disease. At the time I was diagnosed, there was already joint and organ involvement of the disease. One of the challenges I was given around the time of the diagnosis was to "write often."

I still write frequently in my private journals, but I felt challenged to share some of my writing along the way. This blog is my attempt to be faithful to something I believe the Lord has given me - and asked of me. I have seen over time how writing has been a tool of healing in my life. I trust that it will be a conduit for healing in this time, as well.

It is my hope that as you read my random ramblings, prayers, and struggles they will touch you in some way. It is my desire that I will be able to grow in wisdom, truth, and vulnerability. I also desire for this to be something that brings honor and glory to my Lord of Lords! Please join me! And please feel free to leave your comments along the way.

Purpose

I have been thinking a lot about destiny and purpose lately. I have even written quite a bit about it, but haven't gotten the posts up. I believe that God created me, and the rest of us, with a purpose in mind; a destiny. I really want to know what mine is and how to live it out! My life counts for nothing if I haven't lived out the will of God in it!

I moved to Austin in 2002 with a sense of calling to be here. I didn't know why I was coming to Austin. I just knew this is where God was calling me to be. Since that time, I have been involved in multiple communities, lived with several families that I trust I have left a mark on, and have grown more in understanding and developing my own knowledge and relationship with God. I have grown up a bit! I feel as though there is more...I know there is more! I know that God has more for me to accomplish, and I want to have the faith to just dive in! Not fool-hearted, but faithfully!

So I guess for today, my prayer is that I would have a greater wisdom and understanding of the plans and purpose God has for me. That I would be submitted before Him, at all cost to myself, to know how to follow after Him and the desires He has for me! I ask God, that you would reveal to me a new vision of how to follow after you. Help me to trust in you more today than I ever have before! Give me child-like faith; a faith that is unabandoned and unashamed! Lord Jesus, be glorified!

Celebration Weekend

I feel as though I should write something, given that it is Easter weekend! I am just now, as an adult, learning to appreciate what Easter really is. As a child, Easter was about wearing a pastel or white colored fluffy organdy dress with itchy tights that had little bunnies or chicks embroidered all over them and a new pair of white patent leather dress shoes that were being worn for the first time of the year. It was about getting a pretty little basket that had some plastic eggs filled with candy and change, and then running through the yard with my sisters finding the real eggs we had dyed the day before. After the exhaustive hunt for the eggs and the chocolate bunny, my mom would make us wash off, pack us in the car to head to church. When we got home we would sit at the table to eat a family lunch of ham, green beans, and deviled eggs that were made with the eggs we hunted that morning. I didn't ever really get that Easter was about anything much more than all of the (out of the ordinary) stuff that we did that day.

Over the years, my view of Easter has changed a bit. It really happened a few years ago, though. I was a live-in nanny for a family where the father was an atheist and the mother had been exposed to Christianity but didn't really think it was for her. I frequently had to work on the weekends. When I first started, I told her that I wouldn't work Sundays unless I could take the children with me to church. She agreed. She was happy to let them go with me and they really enjoyed it. Even on the Sundays that I wasn't working, they would go with me. The children loved going to church and loved learning about Jesus and the Bible. Their mom saw this and got into it. For Easter that year, she said that she wanted me to help her. Instead of just putting money and candy in plastic eggs and hiding them, she wanted me to help her go through the Bible and find verses that she could print out and hide in the eggs to encourage her children in their new-found passion!

At first, it was lost on me. Don't get me wrong, I thought it was a great idea! I loved the idea of encouraging children with scripture! And I though it was a neat way to get beyond some of the commercialism that has become the focal point of this Holy-day. But I also thought "why wait until Easter to give them scripture...what makes that day any more important than today to live it out?" I didn't get it! Easter is the day that Jesus ROSE!!!! That is something that the world knows we as Christians celebrate! They know that Easter is important for that reason; something I was taking for granted! She wanted it to be that day because to her, that was the day that counted. THAT was the day that mattered!

My theology about Easter changed quite a bit that day...and continued to! To finish the story out, the next year I was working for and living with another family. The week before Easter, I got a call from the family I had previously lived with and they asked if they could come to church with me...the WHOLE family; father, mother, and all three children! It brought so much joy to me that I still tear up when I think about it! I can't tell you how special it was to me to be sitting in church with that family, who I love so much!

So, when I think about Easter, I don't really think about the eggs and baskets and pretty white dresses anymore. I think about the faces of the people I love who have yet to know the truth of what Jesus has done for them and just how much he really loves them! I think about my father. I think about my friend, Michael. I think about the families that I have lived with and loved who are not followers of Christ. I am undone by the vast amount of love that God has; that I know he has been able to forgive and wash away my many sins and love me despite all of my failures! He loves us! He cries out for humanity and I ask that he would give me but a taste of his heart for the lost! I pray that somehow I can bring grace and love to my friends and family and that my heart can become more and more a reflection of my precious Jesus!

Happy Easter to all of you! May you be blessed!

I've Lost It!

I used to carry around this big planner - thank you Franklin Covey! I loved my planner, as any of my good friends can tell you. Her name was Francine. I started using her in high school and just refilled her as the years went on. When asked what I would take to a desert island, Francine would probably be in the top five list. It may not seem very practical at first...we can argue that another day!

About a year-and-a-half ago I was finally convinced to merge my life into a smaller planner. It fit in my large purse - something Francine never could do! I was content with this smaller planner, but was recently inspired by a friend to go even smaller! I found these cute little calendars at Target for $1.00 and got one for both of us. This one even fits in my tiny purse! I call it my baby calendar - a stolen phrase. I have gotten quite attached to my baby calendar, as I find it to be much more convenient than carrying around something the size of Gone With the Wind!

Why am I writing about my calendar? I can't find it! That baby calendar is one of the many tools I use to keep myself sane! I am now left to the back-up of relying on the master calendar...my brain. The problem is that my brain sometimes forgets events when it is also trying to remember everything else! I have to find that calendar! Otherwise I must start over! This never happened with Francine!

An Update

I don't have a whole lot to say, but wanted to post something. So here is a little update of what's been going on with me.

A few months ago I got a ticket for running a red light. I made my case to the judge and requested community service. He granted my request by giving me 25 hours of service time to be completed in 1 month. By the time I got in touch with the right people, coordinated everything and was able to get started, I had 3 weeks to complete the time. I have officially finished 5.5 hours - 1/5th of the way there! The rest has to be done by the 17th. I figure that if I go after work almost everyday and work all day on Saturday I can get it done. I can request an extension if I need to, but I don't really want to unless I have to!

I have also been working on stuff for our church's version of Vacation Bible School. We call it Neighborhood Bible Clubs. We have families that will host little clubs in their front yard or in parks so that neighbors can attend. I have helped with them for the last few years, but this year I have been more involved. I have been assisting our coordinator with administrative tasks and also working on promotions for the clubs. This has been a very new place for me to step in to! I was quite leery of being in this spot at first - I thought "what do I know about communicating to other people about this stuff?" It's actually proven to be an OK place for me. I definitely feel like I am stumbling my way through - but I also feel like maybe I am learning more about some of the things that God would like for me to be more assertive in and feel more confident at taking authority in. I guess that only time will tell if it is a good place for me to be, or not.

Life with the family I live with has continued to be a challenge. Keep in mind that challenge does not always mean bad. I am definitely starting to look forward to finding another living situation though. I feel like it will take some pressure off of the friendship and that maybe we can experience a greater degree of love for each other!

In the way of relationships, I have been learning some things about myself. They have not been easy - but I think they have been good for me to learn! First, I have learned that I am much more judgemental than I have ever before acknowledged - and I have recognized that the judgement I pass has a great potential to wound the people I love! Second, I have learned that in pressure situations I tend to back down, pull away, and hide out...until...the pressure gets so great that it all comes out...everything that has caused me to back down or pull away or hide out. It may not even be something that would be rational to cause hurt - it just gets added into everything else and it becomes (sorry for the cliche) fuel for the fire! The third thing I have been learning is how precious and important relationships are to me! This one is harder for me to put into words, but there is so much emotional rise (both good and bad) that stirs in me and it is directly tied into other people. I have always known that my friendships are important to me, but I don't think that I have ever really recognized just how powerful relationships are to me!

I think that is about all I have for now. Plus, someone else is waiting for the computer. I will keep my prayer short because of this.

God, I thank you that you have given me the ability and opportunity to serve and bless my community during this time. I thank you that you have also given me the ability to serve my church. Please continue to bless both of these organizations, that they may prosper and that those they serve may see your glory and know your love! I ask that you would bless the family that I am living with and that you would speak into our relationships, that we would be able to love one another well! I also thank you that you have been teaching me more about how important relationships are and the responsibilities that I carry in those. Please bless these interactions and bring your grace in. Thank you Lord.

It's Been a While

I haven't written in a while. I have wanted to, I just haven't known what to say. So what has been happening?

Well, I still don't have a car of my own. It is still sitting up at the church parking lot - just hanging out! I have been the recipient of an amazing gift, though! A couple from church has been letting me use one of their cars for the time being. It has been such a blessing! I also spent a couple of days doing some hard work and figured out that the big picture of my debt is not quite as bad as I thought it was. I am still not in a position now where I can peacefully take on any additional debt, but it makes the prospect of paying it all back a little less grim! I have actually paid a lot more on my student loans over the years, so I owe a lot less than I thought. I was also able to get both of them into a new repayment schedule. It is going to be HARD, but I have hope!

One of the greatest things that I feel I have been learning lately is about God's desire to provide for me and His desire for me to ask - to invite Him to provide for me! God doesn't just want to give me what I need, because I need it. He wants to give me the desires of His heart - because it brings Him joy to provide. He is a good father and good father's provide well - and joyfully - for their children. They provide not out of obligation, but out of desire to see their children blessed and honored!

I didn't learn these things from my father and I think it really has made an impact on my ability to trust God and receive from Him as a father! I remember being younger and listening to people talk about how their relationship with Father God was stunted because of their relationship with their earthly father. I never got it - I never understood! As I am getting older and getting to know and trust God more, I see that the places I hide from Him and the places I lack trust are the same places that there is brokenness in relationship with my own father.

What I do know, is that God wants to redeem these places! He wants me to trust Him and not run or hide. This means that I can tell Him what I want and what I need - and even more so, I can ask Him for those things!

I know the next few months are going to bring in a lot of challenges and even transition! There are a lot of balls in the air being juggled and some that are in the chute about to be shot out. I need discernment to know what to hold onto and what to put down. I need energy to be able to accomplish everything - well! I need grace to be able to make mistakes and correct them. I need friends to walk with me.

Lord, I thank you for the things that you are teaching me. I thank you for the way you are breaking scales away from my heart and you are revealing more of your character and desires to me! I thank you that you have no turning - that you will not relent! Thank you sweet Father, that I am important enough to you that you desire to provide for my wants and my needs. Thank you, that you care for me with joy and not with obligation! I love you, God! Thank you for loving me! I ask that you would continue to teach me how to allow you to provide for me. I ask God, that you will give me the discernment, energy, grace, and friends that I mentioned above. I also ask that you would be teaching me how to be more vulnerable and transparent - how to be more real - in my relationships with others and with you! Thank you!

Today Was Very Productive

Please do not judge me as you are reading this. The simple fact is that I have made some big mistakes financially along the way. Some were out of necessity, some were out of not knowing better, and some were just out of not making the right choices. Whatever the reasons, I have more than a fair share of financial burden that I do not know how to overcome. Well, with a lot of motivation, a lot of help from other people, and a lot of grace from God, I am on my way to righting some wrongs.

Today was a day off of work for me. I could have spent it sleeping in, watching TV, playing with friends...any number of fun things. I didn't though! I woke up at 8:00, buckled down and got to work! I organized the two baskets of receipts and bills that needed to be addressed. Then I took care of the top three things on my "Most Important Things To Do" list. I spent a cumulative 4-5 hours on the phone and humbled myself to ask for mercy and help. In the end, I was able to make arrangements to get both of my student loans out of default and take care of a pressing legal matter that was not related but has needed to be addressed for quite some time. I got done and all I could do was shout with joy, "Thank you, Jesus for helping me through today! It is done!"

My mother also stopped by on her way home from work, so I made a simple dinner and we enjoyed each other's company for a little while. After she left, I rewarded myself for pressing through all of the hard work and stress of the day by starting a little sewing project...or something like that! I have this feather pillow that is really old and I love sleeping with it. The casing was getting all worn out and falling apart, so it has been sharing all the feathers with my bed, sheets, hair, etc. I decided tonight to make a new casing for it, sanitize (I use this term loosely) the feathers, and stuff the new pillow casing. It worked ok, but I ended up with stray feathers all over my bedroom. That's ok, though. It gave me a good excuse to vacuum. I also went ahead and stripped the bed and cleaned the bedding so it is one less chore I have to do tomorrow. Now, I am going to take myself to bed and sleep in peace!

Before I go, I must say that I am very proud of myself for working hard and accomplishing the things that I did today! It took a lot of courage for me!

Thank you, Jesus that you are growing me and making me more capable of doing the difficult things. Thank you for teaching me what it means to be faithful with a little. Please continue to help me and teach me, so that I will learn to be a good steward of the things you have given to me. I ask this not only for myself, but also so that I will learn how to better bless and serve you and others. Thank you for washing me new and for forgiving me of the places where I am wrong. Help me Lord, as I strive to walk in your ways!

You Won't Believe What Happened

I haven't had a chance to write about this until now, but I am very excited and very thankful! On Sunday morning, at church, I was talking with a friend and she wanted to pray for me about the results of my doctor's appointment and about my car. She had just said "amen" when a couple walked up to me and offered to let me use their car for a little while. I was blown away! I don't even know these people! We have some friends in common, but I didn't know anything more than their names when they walked up to me! It seems that they felt God was prompting them to let me use their car, so they offered it to me. It is such a blessing and such a relief! It still doesn't solve what to do about my car, but at least it gives me a way to get to and from work and other appointments without having to bother other people to take me. I don't know how long I am going to have access to it, but I have something for now!

Thank you God for hearing my cries and for responding! Thank you for caring and for providing for me. Thank you that you remind me that I mean more to you than the lilies of the valley or the birds of the air and that you care for them, so you also want to care for me! God, please continue to grow my faith and speak words of wisdom over me. Continue to teach me to search for you. Thank you for the people that you have placed in my path to help care for me and to walk with me through these times of struggle. Bless them richly, Lord! Pour your covering upon them and let them know just how precious and treasured they are! Thank you God, for meeting me and calling me into higher places with you! I will follow you with joy, knowing that you are good!

How Am I?

A friend of mine just sent me an e-mail asking how I have been. She hasn't seen me in a few weeks and wanted to check in. At first, I wrote the following response. I ended up only sending the first two sentences.

So to answer how I have been, the honest answer is not that great. The last couple of weeks have been really hard! My car finally died and so I have been without a car and I have been depending on other people to take me to and from. I HATE it!!!!! I am such an independent person that it is really hard for me to have to ask for help and rely on other people and justify going here and there and wait when I want to do something. Those have all been hard! But then you just begin to add in the money aspect and I feel like I have lost all grips on control! I was talking with another friend for a little today and the perfect statement came out. "It isn't really about the car. The car has just been the cherry on top of a sundae of being overwhelmed by finances. It's like I am reaching for band aids right now to try to cover a gaping wound that has arterial bleeding!" My head has been pounding for almost three weeks now it started as a migraine, but seems to be different and almost worse in the last week. It occurred to me last night that my blood pressure is probably high. I had a doctor's appointment. Sure enough my BP was 145/88! It's normally around 105-112/60. I thought "no wonder my head is hurting so bad. I'm about to have a stroke!" I just took an interesting combination of medication to slow my BP down and knock me OUT for the night. Maybe if I can just sleep sleep sleep I will feel a little better tomorrow!

Oh, and the results from the doctor's appointment weren't that great either. My inflammation markers are the highest they have been in 2 years. I get copies of my medical records for my own files - the doctor's dictations note "additional progression of advanced disease observed." My spirit crashed!

God, I Need More

More grace, more peace, more patience! I need it all, and much much more! I don't know how much longer I can go like this! I feel like I am suffocating in the stress of things to do, expenses to find money for, and relationships to maintain. This doesn't even begin to keep in check trying to focus on work, make time for rest, and somehow try to spend quality time (not the leftovers of my day) with my Creator. My head feels like it is going to explode off of my shoulders all day long, my heart aches as if it is going to pound out of my chest, the night of rest is interrupted time and again by worries or pains or memories of things that didn't get done or need to get done. My skin is itchy and breaking out. All someone had to do is look at me with a slightly questionable "tone"...or even just smile and I all but burst into tears. I think I have come to the end of myself! I can not hold on any longer!

God, I need more of you! I am nothing without you. This I know. But do I really believe it? My actions and response to the lack of control I am living in right now would somehow seem to say I don't. God, would you please take what little faith I have and somehow - in a way that only you can - will you please move mountains with it? I just need more of You God! Holy Spirit, pour your balm of comfort and peace over me. Father, speak Your wisdom over me! Help me know what to do. Help me God, to hear you over the torrents of accusation, condemnation, and rejection. Jesus, my precious and mighty Jesus! I need you! I need you more today than I ever have! Please come and rescue me from the lies that so easily entangle me. Let me hear your acceptance and see the love in your eyes and forget all of my own concerns. God, I need more...more of you!