It's Been a While

I haven't written in a while. I have wanted to, I just haven't known what to say. So what has been happening?

Well, I still don't have a car of my own. It is still sitting up at the church parking lot - just hanging out! I have been the recipient of an amazing gift, though! A couple from church has been letting me use one of their cars for the time being. It has been such a blessing! I also spent a couple of days doing some hard work and figured out that the big picture of my debt is not quite as bad as I thought it was. I am still not in a position now where I can peacefully take on any additional debt, but it makes the prospect of paying it all back a little less grim! I have actually paid a lot more on my student loans over the years, so I owe a lot less than I thought. I was also able to get both of them into a new repayment schedule. It is going to be HARD, but I have hope!

One of the greatest things that I feel I have been learning lately is about God's desire to provide for me and His desire for me to ask - to invite Him to provide for me! God doesn't just want to give me what I need, because I need it. He wants to give me the desires of His heart - because it brings Him joy to provide. He is a good father and good father's provide well - and joyfully - for their children. They provide not out of obligation, but out of desire to see their children blessed and honored!

I didn't learn these things from my father and I think it really has made an impact on my ability to trust God and receive from Him as a father! I remember being younger and listening to people talk about how their relationship with Father God was stunted because of their relationship with their earthly father. I never got it - I never understood! As I am getting older and getting to know and trust God more, I see that the places I hide from Him and the places I lack trust are the same places that there is brokenness in relationship with my own father.

What I do know, is that God wants to redeem these places! He wants me to trust Him and not run or hide. This means that I can tell Him what I want and what I need - and even more so, I can ask Him for those things!

I know the next few months are going to bring in a lot of challenges and even transition! There are a lot of balls in the air being juggled and some that are in the chute about to be shot out. I need discernment to know what to hold onto and what to put down. I need energy to be able to accomplish everything - well! I need grace to be able to make mistakes and correct them. I need friends to walk with me.

Lord, I thank you for the things that you are teaching me. I thank you for the way you are breaking scales away from my heart and you are revealing more of your character and desires to me! I thank you that you have no turning - that you will not relent! Thank you sweet Father, that I am important enough to you that you desire to provide for my wants and my needs. Thank you, that you care for me with joy and not with obligation! I love you, God! Thank you for loving me! I ask that you would continue to teach me how to allow you to provide for me. I ask God, that you will give me the discernment, energy, grace, and friends that I mentioned above. I also ask that you would be teaching me how to be more vulnerable and transparent - how to be more real - in my relationships with others and with you! Thank you!