Living in Obedience...or at least Trying. Part Two.

Where we left off…

In January, I finally decided that I could not keep running. The Lord was not changing what He had asked of me! The Lord was still urging me to see my security and provision in Him, not in the American Cancer Society! I turned in my resignation and left after almost 5 years of working for the same company. It was a bitter-sweet parting! I really did love the work I did. I was good at it. I made a difference in someone's life each and every day that I was there. Now, what was I leaving to? I had no clue! And I would be lying through my teeth if I said I was anything but frightened of what was to come!

Well, I was excited! I felt an overwhelming wave of peace as I finally stepped in obedience! I was antsy – in the good way – to see what God was going to do next! I started re-thinking all of the things I would “want” to do. I pretty much felt like a kid in a toy store! I could pull anything off of the shelf and it would be ok to make it mine. I wanted to use wisdom and discernment in this. I also thought this might be the time to jump into a completely new stream and swim for it!

But what? What did I want to do? What did I want my day to look like? What was I willing and able to put in for the result I wanted?

A LOT of options have run through my heart…

I could start a coffee shop and gluten-free or allergy friendly bakery. We could certainly use a few more of those around! (Says the person who would like to be able to walk into a bakery and actually buy something!)

The desire of school has been in my heart for a long time. I could apply to nursing school and get started on pre-requisites. Or I could get my training as a doula; something else I have wanted to do.

I could go back to being a nanny.

I could become a professional home organizer.

Wait…I could what? Organizer? Well, that’s what I have been doing for the last few months. And you know what??? I am passionate about it! Who knew?

Maybe God?

After weeks of sitting around and doing pretty much nothing…taking babysitting jobs here and there and spending a lot of time praying…and watching TV, I decided to post something on my church’s message board asking if there was anyone who was looking for someone to help them with organization…for pay of course. (Smiles and winks!) The next day I got an e-mail from a woman in our church who said she had just told her husband it was time to hire someone to come in and help out and then she opened my e-mail. Providence! I started working part-time as a personal assistant for her in March. It didn’t take long for us to figure out that my true talent lay in sorting, tossing, containing, and ultimately organizing 30 years of stuff that has accumulated for a home-schooling family of seven! I was on FIRE! Really…I knew that I liked to get things organized and finding a home for stray objects, but I had NO IDEA how much vision and passion I have for this! After three months, a schoolroom, kitchen, and multi-purpose space garage (food storage, sewing room, workshop, school and family paraphernalia storage, and play room); I feel like I have enough experience in this to say that God did something amazing! He took a like that was in me and turned it into life! And the really awesome part of the whole thing is that as we were quite literally fighting over throwing away math practice sheets from her fully-grown children, God was doing some AMAZING cleaning in my own heart!

I don’t have a whole lot of physical clutter. I once did. Now it’s mostly books, music, and sewing stuff. I have gone through everything of my last 31 years of life and tossed a LOT away! This was also a very spiritual experience for me. I found that I had emotional ties to a lot of things that really didn’t produce anything good in my life. They were just things…a lot of them were actually bad memories that I held on to. Now God was doing a very similar “moving out” cleaning in my heart!

You see, I see Jesus as my savior! He is the King of my heart! Holy Spirit is my very best friend and companion! He goes with me and sings the praises and love of God over me! He directs me and keeps my gaze on Jesus. But Father God? He and I haven’t traditionally walked all that close! I don’t trust Him. I’m getting there! And I trust Him a whole heck of a lot more today than I did three months ago…or six months ago when I left my job. My view of Father God has been one of a very mighty and powerful and huge man; almost like the pictures we see of Atlas holding up the world in mythology. But, rather than being allowed to do anything in my life with that power, my view of Father has been that He is chained up and weak. Despite the enormity of His stature, He really hasn’t had much allowance or power in my life.

Wow – that’s hard to confess! I love God, but I have really been missing the “Father” aspect of our mysterious Trinity.

Well, in this time of not working a regular 9 to 5 job, Father has taken up some residence! He has been capable of doing things in me that never would have happened if I didn’t have so much reflection time! As I was working many days, I would be sorting through someone else’s…mess…and God would show me where I had a similar mess in my heart! As I got the physical mess sorted out, cleaned up, and stored away appropriately; Father was sorting out, cleaning up, and storing away the things in my heart! I can’t explain it! It’s one of those amazing and mysterious things that happen when God has ownership of us!

In the last six months, I have come to not only see Father as powerful and strong (as opposed to chained and weak) but I have also come to welcome Him into my most private and silenced places…my past! I am reminded that God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow! The Father that is mighty and powerful…and ever so loving today was also mighty and powerful (and YES) ever so loving in the places in my past where enormous brokenness and pain still exist. He hasn’t changed! I have changed! And now, because I see Him as the good and loving Father that He is, He can walk back through those broken places and bring healing! I welcome His healing!

I have no idea if I will continue as an organizer. I loved it! Oh, by the way the job is over and I am once again unemployed. But, I am not afraid this time! The restoration that God has brought about in the last several months has been so amazing! I know that God has been my security AND my provision during the last few months…and I know He will continue to be!