Reflection

As I was driving to work this morning, I was listening to an account on 105.9 about how worship music has made an impact on one particular individual.  I started reflecting on all that has happened in the past year or so and how my hearts desire in the good and in the bad truly is to worship God.

This past year has probably been one of the hardest in my adult life so far.  There has been tremendous loss, heart break, health concerns, loneliness, and questions of my value in others' lives.  There has also recently been a heart-wrenching (but very heart-healing) adventure to encounter new freedoms from old pains.  But through it all, my go-to is worshiping at the feet of the Lord.

I have said it before - transparency is hard.  I try.  But really, I am terribly afraid of other people's opinions and possible rejection.  And so, I keep most things hidden away inside of my heart.  I don't think that it is the healthiest thing for a heart - and really it isn't the easiest - but it is a process that I am working through.  On my bathroom mirror I have written, "My value is not found in the opinions of other's, but in knowing who and whose I am."  I need to read this each day, to keep my heart focused on the truth.  So, because I think it will be good for my own soul, I am going to write about some of the challenges of my journey over the past year and a half.

Loneliness: I feel like there is a vital piece of me missing!  I am alone.  Most all of my friends have moved away from the Austin area over the past year.  I am not "attached" to any community.  My day consists of caring for wonderful children, but there is not really any adult camaraderie.  I have a church, but it is not a church home.  I go, I worship, I listen, I leave.  I have a couple of friends, but do not feel connected or know HOW to feel connected -- it isn't organic for me.  And as the days go on, my soul longs more and more for a help-mate.

Grief: As I mentioned, many friends have moved away and there has been a need to mourn the loss of having someone to be with me ... to get coffee, have a fun shopping day, cook a meal, or just hang out with.  I mostly do these things alone now, and it just isn't as much fun.  In addition to friends moving, my oldest sister -- my very best friend in this world -- also moved ... to Arizona.  I miss her so much!  Sure we talk, but I miss "Baby Sister Day", sister hugs, and lazy Sunday afternoon movies with her and her husband.  And from that list, I think it's the hugs that I miss the most.  To add to this sadness, in April (almost one year ago) my dear Grandfather (Mom's Dad) passed away and then less than six months later my Grandmother (Father's Mom) passed away.  She was my last living grandparent, and having her pass away made my heart feel so very empty.  And grief does not limit itself to the loss of relationships - I have also grieved health issues, childhood pain, and other "losses".

Health: My battle continues.  7 years ago I had debilitating migraines, severe pain, loss of ability to move properly, and a myriad of other "symptoms" that made no sense.  With many doctors looking at me like I was either insane, excessively needy, or just a hypochondriac; I continued to pursue "figuring out" what was "wrong" with me.  Finally, I said the right combination of things to the right doctor (who by the way had encouragingly and repeatedly told me that he would not give up on me) and a diagnosis came in the summer of 2007 -- Advanced Rheumatoid Arthritis with organ involvement (or what the Dr. refers to as Lupus Tendency).  I immediately went into a rigorous treatment plan involving some horrible medications.  Shortly after the diagnosis of RA, came the addition of Celiac Sprue Disease.  And shortly after that, my list of food allergies began to exponentially multiply.  Although this all occurred over a long period of time, my body has continued to attack itself to the point that last year the proverbial rug got pulled out from underneath me.  I do not have health insurance and because of that, once I got to a "maintenance" point in RA treatment, I stopped taking most all prescription medications.  There was an immense amount of provision from the Lord to get me to this point and I do not in any way want to discredit the miraculous thing that this was!  However, a little over a year ago I had an injury to my neck that led to a herniated disc. Treatment began for this, but I was in an overwhelming amount of pain - which led to additional flare-ups of RA, which led to additional joint damage and fatigue, which led to a further compromised immune system, which led to an additional need for medications... And so the saga goes!  I have been doing my very best to manage my health, but I feel extraordinarily limited.  I am in pain - both physical and emotional - and I am weary!

Finances:  Isn't it always the case that we could think of a thousand ways to spend just a little extra money?  I am always very reticent to mention finances because I want to be sensitive to my readers.  And even more-so, it is very important to me to have a grateful heart!  The challenge is that I also want to be able to be honest about where I need prayer, support, and a greater measure of faith!  This is it.  And very very honestly, health is the largest financial fight that I have!  I have been amazingly blessed several times this past year in the way of finances.  In part because of this, I don't stress about money nearly as much as I once did.  I have learned that somehow it usually works out.  :)  Having said that, I do still experience stress here.  There has not been a single month in the past year that I haven't needed financial support in some way.  I HATE IT!!!  I am a very independent person AND I really do want to be a self-supporting real-life grown up! Not to mention I feel like I am not able to prepare for the future because I am so financially caught in the moment.

So where does that bring me?  First of all, please do not read this and think that I have forgotten all of the good things this year has brought.  There has been much to rejoice over and thank the Lord for!  And that is where this started!  Through all of this pain and misery, I find myself lost in worship!  When my heart aches, I am before the Lord seeking comfort.  When I am overwhelmed with gratitude, I am in His presence declaring His might and faithfulness!

And through it all I can smile, laugh, rest, and declare that God is good...ALL THE TIME!

Just a Few Notes

I have so much that I could talk about, including another recipe.

I had a friend ask me last week if I plan on turning my blog into a cookbook.  Probably not...at least not anytime in the near future. But for the time-being, I will post recipes as I am inspired to do so.

This past weekend, I took a trip to Abilene.  This is where I went to college...many moons ago.  I still have a couple of friends who are there, but this past year my friend Wendy moved to Abilene as well.  She was one of my roommates a few years ago and she became a wonderful friend.  I stayed with her and we had a lot of fun.  

Some of my high points of the weekend were meeting my dear friend Olivia's daughter.  Long story here, but basically I don't know if I have ever been as excited to see a baby as I was with this one.  She is absolutely amazing!  On Saturday, Wendy and I went shopping for some new work clothes and then we went to the opening game for the Abilene Roller Derby Dames.  This was the first Roller Derby for both of us.  On Sunday we chilled out and played games at a coffee shop.  Then on Monday, on my way out of town, I had lunch with a fabulous friend, Lauren.  

In addition to having fun time with friends, this trip was also about making some space for my heart to explore some things.  I needed some time-out with God and an opportunity to ask Him what He is wanting to do in my heart, mind, body, and soul.  WOW!  I had some treasured time with Him, and then on the way home prayed for 3 straight hours declaring all of the places in my life that I want freedom.  I had an amazing time of honesty with my Maker, telling Him what I want, asking Him what He wants, and discussing what I think I am and am not ready for.  Not to negate the special times that I had with my friends, but I think this was the true purpose and need of this trip.

I got back home, and pretty much jumped back in to life as normal.  However I feel like I have a better sense of peace and resolve as I walk into a season where I am expecting change and healing!  Just fabulous!

And now for another recipe (or two).

Last night I made an Herb Baked Salmon.  I was at Whole Foods and the Sockeye Salmon (a personal favorite) was on sale for 9.99 per pound as opposed to the standard 14.99 per pound.  I got a whole fillet and it was just over a pound.  I cut off 1/3 of it on the tail end and pan cooked those pieces for tonight's dinner.  The other portion I baked in the oven with some fresh herbs from my patio garden.  So here are the recipes.

Herb Baked Salmon

1 Sockeye Salmon Fillet
Fresh Herbs - thinly cut (I used Indian Basil, Thyme, Sage, Oregano, Marjoram, and Chive)
Sea Salt
1 lime thinly sliced
1-2 Tbsp Unsalted Butter
1-2 Tbsp Bacon Drippings
1 Tbsp Raw Honey
Crushed Red Pepper Flakes (if desired)
Drizzle of Lemon infused Olive Oil

In a baking dish, drizzle Bacon Drippings.  Rinse Salmon, remove pin bones, and make certain it is cut to fit the baking dish.  Place skin-side down.  Sprinkle Sea Salt and herbs across top of Salmon (include Crushed Red Pepper Flakes if desired). Drizzle Lemon infused Olive Oil and Honey over herbs and then  place a single layer of thinly sliced limes over the top.  Thinly slice 1-2 Tbsp Unsalted Butter and layer on top of the limes.  Cook in oven at 350 degrees for about 25 minutes, until cooked.  DO NOT overcook this fish or it gets dry, rubbery, and kind-of yucky.  

I paired this with some baby carrots that I steamed and added a little honey, cinnamon, and cloves to.  It was YUMMY!

Now for tonight's dinner: 

Ok - so anyone who knows me well knows that tuna fish salad makes me gag like nothing else.  I find it to be detestable!!  Some may consider this is a upgraded version of tuna salad, but it is YUMMY!

Creamy Salmon Salad:

Here is what you need...

Pan Seared Sockeye Salmon (keep reading for how I made this) (about 1/4-1/3 pound)
Fresh Herbs (I used the same combo that I did the night before)
1-2 Ribs of Celery; finely chopped
1 small Apple (I used a Pink Lady; but Gala, Winesap, and Honeycrisp are all great options)
1-2 Green onions with chives; finely chopped
Raw Honey
Chia Seeds
1 Tbsp Unsalted Butter
Sea Salt and Pepper
Earth's Best Olive Oil "Mayo"
Lemon

To make the Pan Seared Salmon, I took the tail end of the fish and cut it into 1 inch thick strips (with skin), salted with sea salt, and squeezed fresh lime on top.  In a hot pan, I added about 1 Tbsp Olive Oil and then placed the salmon skin side down in the pan.  LEAVE IT BE until it lifts itself away from the pan surface.  If you mess with it, the skin will stick and the fish will fall apart.  Once it will easily move, flip it and sear the top.  Flip again to cook the sides.  All together, the fish is in the pan for less than 10 minutes.  Refrigerate and leave for the next day.

To make the Creamy Salmon Salad, heat a small skillet on the stove top and add butter to melt.  Add in the celery, apple, and onion and cook until the colors are bright and mixture is just beginning to soften. Add in the herbs, a pinch of salt and pepper, and 2 tsp Raw Honey.  Cook a minute or two longer.  Set aside to let it cool.

In a small bowl, take each salmon piece and pull off skin and flake the salmon.  Add 1 Tbsp "Mayo", 1-2 tsp Chia Seeds, lemon zest and juice, and celery mixture.  Stir together and place in freezer for a few minutes to "chill".  

I paired this with some pre-made rice crackers and Garlic Broccoli.  I cut up four crowns of broccoli, including the rabe.  In a hot skillet, I placed 1 Tbsp Bacon Drippings, broccoli and rabe, and 2 tsp chopped garlic.  Stir quickly to cover all broccoli with garlic and fat.  Add a small amount of water for steam.  Cook for about 5 minutes so broccoli still has a small amount of bite and is bright green.

Enjoy!!

The Happy Heart Status

Over the past few months, I have been really struggling with keeping a good attitude.  There have been a lot of things happening around me that have left me feeling a little less than "in control" of my days, weeks, and now months.  My attitude was really starting to suffer.  I constantly found myself complaining about my work, getting irritated by certain people, and feeling a little less than gracious about being asked to constantly go above and beyond.  I have been overwhelmed, impatient, and just a tiny bit cranky.  These are very clearly not the traits that I want to describe me.  So, a couple of weeks ago I decided to start something new.  I decided that (for the time being) each day I am going to put a "Happy Heart Status" on facebook.  It is a very small way that I can take a moment to focus my heart on the blessings, joys, and praises that come about in my day.

I got the idea of having a happy heart because I work with children on pretty much a daily basis.  And I LOVE it, although it comes with it's challenges!  Very often, I find myself reminding the little ones around me to have a happy heart.  I let them know that it is ok to be disappointed, frustrated, and even angry at times.  Those "negative" emotions are natural and it is ok to have them.  But, how we respond is where it gets tricky!  Having a happy heart!  It sounds so easy, but as I am so readily reminded by all of these young friends - it can be very hard.  You have to make the choice.

When I realized my attitude was not so great, I was convicted!  Truly convicted that I was telling all of these children that they needed to have a happy heart, but I didn't.  Wow!  I think the Lord just reached right into my heart and made it twinge a bit.  Then I realized that I needed to do something. 

The Lord has been good to me -- very VERY good to me!  I need to take the time to remember each day just how amazing and good He is!  Therein was birthed "The Happy Heart Status".  

Let's see how it goes!

(BTW This is mis-dated because I forgot to post it when I wrote it at the end of September)  HAHA

I must must MUST get some writing done...

It is a little funny to me when I really think about this, but writing is something that has brought about clarity and healing for me.  However, when life gets busy, overwhelming, and even disappointing, writing is the last thing that I think about doing.  Why is that?  It's like walking out onto a battle field with a sword at my side, but never drawing it even though the enemy is charging at me. I wrestle with this weighty weapon on my side that could make the difference between walking away from the battle relatively unscathed or falling on the ground in weakness and injury.  Writing is a sword.  I must wield it!

I actually have 3 writing assignments awaiting me.  They have been there for the better part of two months, but every time I sit to start writing I feel BLANK!  Two of the things I have been asked to write are a personal purpose statement and a testimony of my faith journey.  This has been overwhelmingly challenging - and I can't even seem to get the first sentence out.  I have thought back to all of the instruction on how to write either of these things, I have read other people's stories, I have even looked up "how to write a personal purpose statement" in Google.  It really didn't help me as much as I hoped it would...meaning Google did not tell me what my purpose statement is.  :)

So, when I get stuck, this is where I come.  I re-read things I have written in hope that somehow my writer's voice will become loud and strong and clear.  Now that I have procrastinated for a while, I really must must MUST get some writing done! 

I have once again gone on a hiatus from blog-writing. Not sure why...just haven't gotten around to it???

Tonight I went back and read the last several things I have written and got inspired to jot down a few more ramblings. Tonight's entry is more of a vent. My day was...

The truth is that today was a rough day. Really, this week has just been a bit more than I want to deal with. There has been roommate arguing, getting thrown up on, house-hold repair issues, temper tantrums, pain, and so much more. I get so tired of disagreeing and trying to make things right, yet I seem to be stuck in this loop with one of my roommates in particular. It's just down-right yucky! And my attitude stinks, which really doesn't help us out! I wish that I could just figure out how to set the reset button. It has to exist somewhere! But alas, I can not find it! Take this drama and add in the general life stuff that often feels over-wheming, and that is where I am. Plus I have also had to up the prednisone I take for RA ... I feel like there is a lion roaring inside of me and fighting to get out and tear up anything it doesn't like! I really do feel like I am about to jump out of my skin sometimes. I hate it! Then, about half-way through work today I got a horrid migraine. I haven't had one that bad in a while. I was able to choke it back pretty well, but I almost didn't make it home from work because I was so disoriented! I came home, ate, drugged, rested. Much better! Tomorrow I am babysitting and hoping and praying for a much better new day! I'm also hoping that my body levels out from these medication issues.

I know I probably sound like a little complainy-whiny Lynn. I am! At least sometimes I am. And sometimes - like now - I don't want to add in the silver-lining spin. I just want to feel a little bit sorry for myself. OK... I'm done.

Thank you, Lord that your mercies are in fact new EACH day!! I thank you for the blessing of today and ask for forgiveness for the places where my flesh keeps me from receiving the mercies you have for me! I pray for sweet, peaceful rest. And I pray that I will remember to be grateful throughout my day tomorrow. For YOU are my daily bread!

Declaration

This is a small list of the many ways that God has brought healing into my life in this past year. WOW! How amazing is our God, that He is capable so much more that we know or see!

1. Delivered me from the belief that I am my provider.
2. Replaced a spirit of abandonment with security.
3. Healed me of chronic debilitating migraines! Oh yeah!!
4. Removed a spirit of fear...fear that tangled through me in ways I didn't even know...and replaced it with truth of my identity and the authority through Him.
5. Showed me the loving heart of a Father. How a Father loves, provides, disciplines, and embraces His child!
6. Delivered me from un-forgiveness. The Lord has given me the grace and mercy to forgive people who have hurt me and offended me - without even needing them to ask for my forgiveness. This was HUGE! I didn't really know how long the list was of people that I held offense again, until I was able to start forgiving some of the "big" ones.
7. Along with forgiveness, God has freed me to be able to pray for the blessing of His love and hope for my (physical) father. This was honestly the biggest thing that I think has ever happened to me! I haven't been able to pray for this for my father, primarily because I hadn't been able to set him free from the places he had wounded me.
8. God is teaching me how to cry! That may sound dumb to some, but I have never been very good at crying things out. Sometimes you just need to cry. There is something cleansing for the spirit in it. But I haven't been able to. My tendency has been to stop myself as soon as I start to cry. Then eventually there is so much built up that I just spend a good 10 minutes weeping and then crash once or twice a year. Even that 10 minute sob is very hard for me to get out!
9. I've been given a greater humility to acknowledge and ask for forgiveness for ways that I have injured others! This is pretty big, too...it means not only admitting I was wrong, but also declaring that my words or actions hurt someone else.
10. The Lord has brought greater freedom from RA pain and debilitation. I can snap again! And I can clap! I love to just snap and clap away while I am worshiping, because I feel like it is a way of declaring the goodness of God!

Now I call that an awesome testimony! Thank you God, for the blessing of your love! Thank you for teaching me...showing me a greater measure of the love you have for me! Thank you for making me new each day! You amaze me!

Last Night

There is SO very much for me to write. See, writing is one of the primary ways that God gave me to communicate what is in my heart. But with that blessing and gift also come a responsibility that I do not maintain well. I find that when life is moving along at a steady but manageable pace I can write well and often. When life throws along the curve balls, however, I freeze! This is seen very much in my writing. It will stop for months at a time. There will be a few blips here and there where I am trying to make something happen and change, but by far my hands stay silent.

I am very much an "internal" processor. I told one of my close friends one day, "What can I say? I'm a PC, not a Mac." She thought it was cute, but something leaped in me to say that it was ok to be a PC...I just need to catch up to the PCs of today and get away from the 1970's giant processor that took all day to spit out one neat fact!

All of this said to say that I have been doing a lot of analyzing and processing without putting much out in the real world to say what's going on. As I mentioned in my most recent post, this year has been HUGE for me! On the surface it may seem like I have checked out, but inside...man oh man has furniture been moving around! My insides look entirely different...and the joy is that I know more is coming. I know that God will do what He wants with what I allow Him! I want to allow Him more!

So, as unexpected as last night was...I am so very thankful for all that happened! It would take me six hours and a 1000 page novel to really pour out everything that has taken place. I don't want to bore my readers or loose the true facts of what has happened so I am attempting to consolidate. Stories are important to me, as my dearest friends know. So this is a challenge!

The bottom line is that after the work that has been done over the last year and the victory of last night, God has more ownership in my life than I can ever remember Him having! There are things in my heart that have been my closest and most reliable companions that keep the Lord from really accomplishing all that He created me for! Things like fear, resentment, anger, bitterness, hatred, and the all-important unforgiveness. These spirits have been with me so long that I didn't even know how to really let go of them. They were nestled in places of my heart that I didn't even know could be accessed! Last night, God had the victory of pulling these things out of the depths of my being and replacing them with the truths that He has for me in their stead.

Here are some of the truths that were made known...that were realized in a new and fresh way last night.

1) I do not want to be a slave to fear! I am a mighty warrior for the Lord God Almighty. I no longer bow to fear, but stand with my head held high before my King, Jesus! It is done…fear no longer reigns!

2) Bitterness, anger, resentment, hatred, and unforgiveness are not my companions! They are death. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). These are some of his greatest weapons used, because we feel justified and somehow comforted in believing that we have rights to carry these. The truth of the Lord is that these weapons are bred from pride. Psalm 10:4 declares, "In his pride the wicked does not seek him (God); in all his thoughts there is no room for God." I don't like that this scripture applies to me. I like to set myself in the category of "righteous" not "wicked". I know however that my righteousness ONLY comes from the blood of Jesus! When I am walking along with my companions as the weapons of the enemy, I am not abiding in the righteousness of Christ. The Lord wants me to lay my pride down and trade in the weapons that the enemy has given me. His hearts desire is that I would know my righteousness - and that instead of allowing these tactics of the enemy to be my companions I would welcome His truth! In that truth, the fruit of Holy Spirit is bred; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. (See Galatians 5:6-23)

3) I need to welcome sorrow into my life to truly experience the Joy that Father desires for me! This may sound strange to some. I am not saying that we all need to gather around and conjure up a cry-fest and then afterward we will mysteriously find joy. What Father is showing me is that there are many places in my heart that have been shut off to feeling the grief and loss that I need to feel for true healing of those places to occur. It isn't until I experience the grief in my heart (sorrow) that I will really be set free of the bondage that occurs. The picture given to me about this was an ATM. Strange, yes...but it made sense to my heart! An ATM works on the principle of being able to take out what you have already put in. You can't take out what you don't have. And furthermore, you will only get interest on what you have invested! Several places in scripture discuss the Lord replacing our sorrow with His joy. One of my favorites is Psalm 30. The whole chapter is worth meditating over, but below are verses 5b and 11-12.

“Sorrow may last for a night, but His joy comes in the morning. You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!”

So, last night I entered into a new place of freedom! Thank you Mighty Jesus! It isn't that these things just came to me and my thinking was changed. No! These things happened and my heart was changed! Somehow in the way that only God can do it, He conquered territory in my heart that I have never really been able to give Him by myself! He didn't steal it, either. He waited...and waited...and waited until I was ready to allow Him to move! He is so good! And He does all things well!

Living in Obedience...or at least Trying (Part One)

Life really is a journey; one that we can't always plan or predict. Proverbs 16:9 says, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Again in Proverbs 19:21 we read, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

I have made many plans in the last couple of years. I have even made them with the intent of following the paths that God lays out for me. Somehow these "plans" have not always been fulfilled the way I expected. This past year has been…well…I don’t know what to call it! Here is the journey I have been on...the good, bad, pretty, and ugly! Through it I have learned a LOT and I know the learning is not over! I thank the Lord that despite the plans I make, His plans prevail!

In the spring of 2008, I began feeling like the Lord was opening the door for me to leave the job I was at...working as a Cancer Information Specialist with the American Cancer Society. I found a lot of satisfaction in my job, but I also bore a lot of sorrow that was not mine to carry! It was taking a toll on my health. I suffered chronic migraines, had restless sleep due to frequent job-related dreams, and the compassion that I typically had for people was growing thin. Several people in my life were noticing the effects that this job had on me and were counseling me to look for different work. I had a hard time doing that, because I felt like it was God who made a way for me to be there and I didn't know if what I was there for was complete. So, I started asking Him to let me know if it was time to move on.

I felt the movement of release from my job. But I didn't know what I was going to do! I thought about nursing school, completing a degree in Theology, or something else "school" related. Nothing seemed to "fit" at the moment. I continued along for quite a while in this place of my heart not really being in the day-to-day motions that I was living through. I was also dealing with a lot of health issues that really interfered with my ability to focus on anything outside of what was happening in the moment. I knew I was ready to leave, I just didn't know what to leave for!

In September, a prophetic word was spoken over me at church. I knew as soon as I heard it that the Lord was clarifying for me that not only was I ready to quit my job, He was ready for me to quit. That was pretty terrifying for me! After all, my job is the way I pay my bills, buy my food, and at the time much more important provided for medical expenses. My job was my security and my provision.

I went through that year at work, constantly feeling like I was in a place that I didn't belong. Work was fine. But underneath it all, in my heart of hearts, I knew I was disobeying the Lord. It was very hard to stomach! I was living in bondage, not freedom! And I will add, that the bondage I was in was because my view of what kept me safe was VERY skewed! Once again, I saw my job as my security and my provision. Without work, I would fall off the edge of a cliff and that would be the end! I was not going to quit my job until I had a clear picture of what it was I would be doing next. I told God this on multiple occasions. I even yelled at Him one night telling Him that what He was asking was unfair and that I WOULD NOT do what He was asking until I had another job! I sent out at least 60 resumes/applications throughout the year and got not one job offer! That had never happened to me, and I was taking it personally!

In the spring of 2009, now a year after all this began, I received another prophetic word, this one was very clear to the person delivering it as well as me; I was to quit my job. I couldn't do it! I didn't trust God enough to meet my every need. Despite the fact that during this time He had provided very inexpensive housing for me, provided a car, and surrounded me with people who would support me in the decision to leave. I could not bring myself to obey!

I started looking at options that would offer a "clause" to the leaving a job with no other job lined up and not having the savings needed to survive without work. As I mentioned, I had thought about going to a school of theology. I wanted more understanding of the heart of God and the destiny that He set in motion when He created me! I wanted to know what it was to live on the edge and trust that God will keep me from falling. So I applied to Bethel, a non-accredited school of Biblical Studies in California. I was VERY excited about going! I put my notice in at work and a wave of peace and release came over me. I had finally listened to the Lord...or had I? What had He been asking of me? Was it just about quitting my job? NO. It was about allowing Him to be my provision and my security. These were two things that I just didn’t trust Him to be!

I found out just two weeks before I was going to move to California that I didn't get accepted to Bethel. I was heart-broken. That doesn't even begin to encompass what was happening in my heart! My plan had failed! I was now living in a temporary housing situation that was to end in a few weeks, had quit my job, and my heart was in the pit of rejection! I was terrified! What had God done? Why had He asked me to take the steps I had been taking? Why didn't I get accepted? What was I going to do now? These and many more questions swarmed in my head! I was so "lost" in this time that I had my doctor prescribe anti-depressants just so I could carry myself through each day. I couldn't think clearly, I couldn't feel clearly, and sometimes I couldn't breathe clearly!

When I found out I didn’t get accepted to Bethel, my supervisor at work told me that if I wanted to keep my job they would welcome me back. I just needed to make the decision within two days. A blessing. Right? Well, the thing is that I KNOW that what the Lord had asked of me was to leave my job. That was ultimately my primary reason for applying to Bethel. It was the clause. If I left going to something, then I wasn't being irresponsible by leaving my job without another lined up. I knew the sense of relief and peace that came over me when I turned in my resignation. And I knew the excitement that was in my heart of getting to do something different than talking about cancer all day! I had experienced the first part of obedience and I didn't want to go back on that. On the flip-side of that truth, I also didn't feel like I could justify not taking my job back. It had been offered to me; without consequence of my intent to leave. I didn't feel like I could justify being jobless and living in someone's home as a guest, knowing that I could have done something to at least keep my job. The torment of making this decision (and in two days none-the-less) was horrific! I decided that 1) I could always quit again if I felt like I should and 2) they were about to go through lay-offs and if I got laid off instead of quitting I could at least have access to continued health care options. Whereas those are both valid thoughts, I am here to say that choosing to disobey the Lord just because we think we can justify it is wrong! It is still disobedience!

I kept my job and the following few months were some of the hardest and most difficult that I have ever experienced! They did go through lay-offs, but I kept my job. Some might declare this as a blessing. I didn’t. I was still living in fear of what could happen if I obeyed the Lord and fear of what would happen if I didn't. That was the spiritual side. On the practical side...when many people are laid off, the workload feels much heavier to those that are left behind! I may have had a job, but I was miserable!

In January, I finally decided that I could not keep running. The Lord was not changing what He had asked of me! The Lord was still urging me to see my security and provision in Him, not in the American Cancer Society! I turned in my resignation and left after almost 5 years of working for the same company. It was a bitter-sweet parting! I really did love the work I did. I was good at it. I made a difference in someone's life each and every day that I was there. Now, what was I leaving to? I had no clue! And I would be lying through my teeth if I said I was anything but frightened of what was to come!

Jealous???

I spent the day taking care of odds and ends and relaxing. I also spent some time on the ever famous Facebook! I got reconnected with one of my good friends from high school, and of course that led to connecting to other old friends.

As I looked at the info pages, pictures, etc of these long lost relationships, I realized that I was starting to feel a little edgy. I saw some fun pictures back from "the day" and got a good laugh. I also started remembering some of the things that I had pushed way WAY back into the forgotten corners of my memory! Not all of high school was great for me. In fact, most of it just down right stunk!

Now, I'm looking through and seeing how this person has a beautiful family and this one had a great house. This one has an amazing career. Rather than feeling really happy for them, my immediate response to some of these people was - "Why didn't it work out that way for me? Why did they get...?"

Wow! I still have a lot of growing up to do! It's amazing how I can get jealous of people that I don't even really know anymore. Oh, how I wish that my heart was good enough to just be excited for other people without wishing that I could have what they have - or want something different than what I do have!

Lord, please continue to weed out the selfishness in me and teach me to be grateful for all of the blessings that I have! Show me ways to honor you and bless my friends and acquaintances. Father, thank you for continually meeting me where I am and showing me greater depths of your heart and your goodness! Thank you for always forgiving me for my accusations and judgements against others. You are a gracious and merciful God, and I will praise you all of my days!

A Different Me

I want to be a different me. I don't really like the me that I am right now! It isn't that I am a bad me - or that there are a whole lot of things about me that are horrible. OK - there are plenty of things I would like to change. Hence wanting to be a different me! But I really just don't feel like the me that I am used to...and really enjoy being!

I want to be more artsy. Instead of dabbling here and there in the arts, I want to be proficient...at about 10 different mediums!

I want to be more confident. I don't want to let all of the crazy imperfections of my day drive me so batty! So what if my hair won't stay styled for more than 10 minutes after I have fixed it? It still looks fine. And does anyone else really care that I am wearing a shirt that I have owned for 5 years? It isn't stained, torn, or faded...it's ok.

I want to not have RA...or migraines! Therefore, also having more money! Not that money matters too much to me, but I would at least like to have enough that I know it is ok for me to sign a lease without fear that I am going to leave my roommates in a lurch! Plus, not being in pain all the time would be so amazing! I think that is one of the things about Heaven that I look forward to the most!

I want to do work that makes me happy, makes a difference, is fun, is meaningful, and doesn't involve getting yelled at, cussed at, or always having to put "band-aids" on gaping wounds. I want to be able to talk about Jesus, pray, and share real things in real ways. I don't want the success of my day, week, or month to measured in metrics like how quickly I can close the door on the last person I talked to or how glued to my chair & phone I am.

I want freedom! I feel like such a caged bird these days! I feel like everything inside of me wants to explode out in an uncontrollable gush - like the molten-hot lava pouring from an active Mount St. Helens. What I feel like is really happening is that I am just dieing though. I can't explode, so all of the passion and energy and joy that makes me who I am is going to just fizzle out and die until there is nothing left but silent apathy! Then what?

Life isn't worth much without passion! Without the swell of the ocean's wave, there would be no tide. Without the climax in a good book, there would be no resolution. Without a growing tension in a beautiful symphony, there would be no tears! We need passion to live; to enjoy life!

I want to be a different me, because the me that exists right now has lost my fire! I have lost the things that make me want to get up and chase the day! I have lost the desire to push back when I don't like the way things are! I have lost something...something that is crucial to who I am. But how to get it back, I haven't figured out!

BELOA

OK. So I think I might be sort-of back from my BELOA (Blogger's Extended Leave of Absence).

I have been in a bit of a funk over the last couple of months and just needed to let some things go for a bit. I stopped writing on my blog and gave myself a reprieve from making my bed one day a week. Then, I took my car through a car wash - the kind where you actually get out so they can vacuum the inside for you before running it through the sprayer thingy and then the guys dry the car for you. I also got a pedicure. All of this in the last month-and-a-half. It was nice to let go of a few things and treat myself to a couple of others. I needed it.

However, the funk is not gone. Life just isn't what I want it to be - or what I planned and I think I am having a hard time figuring out how to move forward with joy and confidence. I am still a long-term guest in a home that is not my own. I don't have my cats. I still have no clue what I want to be doing or am supposed to be doing for "life-work". Then there are all of the other things of life - health, finances, relationships... I am so restless where I am, yet I completely lack the energy or courage to make any changes right now! Please don't take these all for complaints! That is part of the reason for my BELOA! I needed to take some time to try to re-focus on the things that really are important to me and somehow find them - or find me in them. I'm not there. I am around, though.

High-Lows

My small group has gotten into the *sort-of* habit of doing high-lows when we get together. We share with each other our "highs" of the week and the "lows" of the week. The last family that I lived with did high-lows most every night at dinner. I like this. I think it really does help us learn to love each other better - rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. (Thank you Mike Watson for the great series of relational growth teaching!)

So, today I want to share my high-lows. I always like to start with my lows, so I can end talking about the things that make me happy. So, here are my lows of the day:

1) I never got my coffee - when I was able to make it to the break room, it was all gone. I made a new pot and by the time I made it back to get some coffee, that pot was all gone. No coffee for the coffee fiend today!

2) I had to explain to at least 10 people today that no, I am not going to school and yes, I am staying in Austin and continuing to work at ACS. I am VERY thankful to have my job and to have roots where I am at, so that is not a complaint. It is just still hard. I think I am in a new phase of grieving this and it is just hard to not be where I want to be!

3) I got a call from a good friend today who had a doctor's appointment. It didn't seem to go poorly, but also didn't seem to go well. The doctor ran some additional labs and told her she will have to wait for the results before knowing more. From what she had to say, it doesn't sound like he did a good job of telling her what he was looking for/ruling out or if she should be concerned. I think most people's default is that when the doc only gives you a penny's worth of insight it leaves a lot of room for questions, doubt, fear, etc. I'm a little perturbed that he didn't take better care of her and arm her better to know what to do in the mean-time while she waits. Plus, she is supposed to be leaving to go to school across the country and he didn't tell her if it was advisable to stay or safe to go -- seems like he just left the ball completely in her court. Don't doctors understand that we look to them (rightly or not - absolutely NO judgement here) for wisdom and guidance? Yes, we have to be our greatest health care advocate, but if you don't know what questions to ask the doctor, he should be kind enough to help guide you through the muddy waters. Sorry - this could very easily become a rant...in fact, maybe it has! I'll stop it here.

Here are my highs. I am so gonna rock the highs out of the water tonight!

1) Jenn is having her baby. Like right now! PUSH!! Welcome to the world little Emily Loraine! I can't wait to see you tomorrow. I couldn't wait for you any longer tonight, I had to come home. But I am so looking forward to meeting you face-to-face tomorrow and seeing this beautiful doll that I have been praying for, for the last nine months! Do you have any clue how loved you are? Any clue how many people are waiting to hold you and kiss you and cradle you and teach you about life? Oh, this world isn't that frightening when you have people who want to embrace you - and you have LOTS!

2) As if No. 1 isn't enough... I talked to an amazing, and hilarious woman today at work. She insisted that I am the only "case manager" she wants to talk to from now on. When she calls back if it isn't me and the Cancer Information Specialist who answers can't transfer her (which we can't), she will hang up and call back until she gets me. Does she realize I am one of about 250 Specialists in our National call center that is open 24/7 (of which I am there 30 hours a week)? I tried to explain, but to no avail. She insisted that when she wants something, she gets it. You know, I believe her! In her thick, New York, elder Jewish woman accent she closes the call by saying, "Oh Baby, you have just been the sunshine in my rainy day! You're such a Doll! May God bless you all the days of your life. No really, I mean that; all the days you live! You have given me hope today and that is more than anyone has offered in a while. God love you." It made me laugh and smile and gave me warm-fuzzies all over!

3) When I got to work this morning and checked my schedule, I saw that I have tomorrow off! Wow! I had requested the day off like 4 months ago and had forgotten about it. Since I didn't change my schedule after getting re-hired back to work, they never cancelled this time. I thought about giving it back. But given that it is now 10:30 at night, Emily is joining the world and I want to hang out with her and Jenn & David a little tomorrow, and that well...they're paying me to sleep in, I figured I would go ahead and take the time off! It is probably really good for me. Plus, the couple I'm staying with is getting back from vacation tomorrow. This will give me a chance to do a once-over on the house and make sure everything looks nice for them when they get home.

Yay for high-lows! It's good to practice sharing what's going on in life. It isn't always easy, but it is good. What are your high-lows for the day/week? Please share them with me. I really do want to know!

Oh, I am Just Not Ready

I am just not ready for the weekend to end and to go back to work tomorrow. I have so greatly enjoyed the solitude and the time away. It was great to have two consecutive days where I didn't have to talk to anyone about cancer and where I didn't have to talk to anyone about not going to school. I got to spend time doing fun things that are healing to my heart in some funny way. I got to hang out with just God and myself. I spent time watering plants and trees and birds and making the house all clean and sweet smelling. It was just such a great weekend that I am not ready for it to end! I rather like having time alone, away from the realities of sickness and pain and the fragility of human-kind. I'm not saying I would want it this way forever - not at all. I just don't think I'm ready right now. Alas, it is 9:00 pm, which means it is time to get everything laid out and ready for work tomorrow because the day will be coming ... ready or not!

Today

I told a friend at work the other day that I just wasn't "bouncing back" as quickly as I would like from this whole Bethel thing. It was hard for me to make plans to go and then in the blink of an eye have to change course! I haven't done a lot of talking to other people or blogging about this, because I really wanted to spend time with God and know that I know that I am good with Him before dealing with the periphery of everyone else's thoughts and opinions. I need to know what God is saying to me in this. Not so much what Adam, Brandy, and Caleb are saying.

I think that today something in me turned a bit. I have had time to lounge around and spend time with ME. I said "no" to going to an amusement park with friends, helping with a service project at church, and helping to take care of a friend who isn't feeling well this weekend - for the sheer purpose of just having some alone time. All of the other things would have been great too, but they weren't what I really needed - they were distractions right now! I would have been very blessed to have spent the day with friends playing, serving with my church, or loving on a friend that needed me. Those are all things that would have blessed other people too, in some way. They just weren't what was needed. I had to choose which was the best investment of my time today. Sometimes these choices are hard, but I am glad that I chose the way I did.

My heart somehow feels less burdened. I feel a little more confident in resting in the Lord for direction. I have been singing and smiling and enjoying the day. I got some things accomplished, and that is good. I made laundry soap - which spells super yummy and I can't wait to finish off the last batch so I can start using this one! I played some games on the computer. I spent some time outside. It was just a great day - and I am very thankful for it!

Thank You God for the Rain!

We are in the midst of a horrible drought. Tonight, it poured! There was a beautifully bright lightening show that preceded the opening of the flood gates of heaven. Once it started raining, it came pouring out though! It was SO beautiful!

There is something amazing about rain storms; something almost healing to the soul! The plants, animals, water sources all needed refreshed by this down pour. I think my heart did too!

I have always loved rain storms. I think my favorites were as a child out at the farm. During the summer, I would take a trip to the panhandle of Texas and visit my grandparents at the farm. I remember my grandfather taking me out in the tractor one day and going through the wheat fields with him. It started lightening and we had a deep conversation about where lightening comes from, who makes it, how it warns us that rain is coming, and how when it thunders it is not God bowling. It was probably the deepest conversation I had been invited into in my seven or so years of living! That night, it poured! We got back to the Yellow House (that's what I called my grandparent's home) just as the rain began to fall on the Texas Plains! I loved listening to it hitting the roof of the house and beating against the aluminum siding of the window unit. The bonus was that my grandmother wouldn't let me take a bath that night - for fear that I would get electrocuted! My grandfather and I sat down at the kitchen table, ate a bowl of cereal together, and then played a game of cards.

This is the memory I commonly think of when I have the pleasure of observing one of God's really good rain storms! It brings me back to a simple day of hard work, lots of love, and good conversation! There is definitely something healing about rain storms! Thank you God for letting it rain tonight!