As I was driving to work this morning, I was listening to an account on 105.9 about how worship music has made an impact on one particular individual. I started reflecting on all that has happened in the past year or so and how my hearts desire in the good and in the bad truly is to worship God.
This past year has probably been one of the hardest in my adult life so far. There has been tremendous loss, heart break, health concerns, loneliness, and questions of my value in others' lives. There has also recently been a heart-wrenching (but very heart-healing) adventure to encounter new freedoms from old pains. But through it all, my go-to is worshiping at the feet of the Lord.
I have said it before - transparency is hard. I try. But really, I am terribly afraid of other people's opinions and possible rejection. And so, I keep most things hidden away inside of my heart. I don't think that it is the healthiest thing for a heart - and really it isn't the easiest - but it is a process that I am working through. On my bathroom mirror I have written, "My value is not found in the opinions of other's, but in knowing who and whose I am." I need to read this each day, to keep my heart focused on the truth. So, because I think it will be good for my own soul, I am going to write about some of the challenges of my journey over the past year and a half.
Loneliness: I feel like there is a vital piece of me missing! I am alone. Most all of my friends have moved away from the Austin area over the past year. I am not "attached" to any community. My day consists of caring for wonderful children, but there is not really any adult camaraderie. I have a church, but it is not a church home. I go, I worship, I listen, I leave. I have a couple of friends, but do not feel connected or know HOW to feel connected -- it isn't organic for me. And as the days go on, my soul longs more and more for a help-mate.
Grief: As I mentioned, many friends have moved away and there has been a need to mourn the loss of having someone to be with me ... to get coffee, have a fun shopping day, cook a meal, or just hang out with. I mostly do these things alone now, and it just isn't as much fun. In addition to friends moving, my oldest sister -- my very best friend in this world -- also moved ... to Arizona. I miss her so much! Sure we talk, but I miss "Baby Sister Day", sister hugs, and lazy Sunday afternoon movies with her and her husband. And from that list, I think it's the hugs that I miss the most. To add to this sadness, in April (almost one year ago) my dear Grandfather (Mom's Dad) passed away and then less than six months later my Grandmother (Father's Mom) passed away. She was my last living grandparent, and having her pass away made my heart feel so very empty. And grief does not limit itself to the loss of relationships - I have also grieved health issues, childhood pain, and other "losses".
Health: My battle continues. 7 years ago I had debilitating migraines, severe pain, loss of ability to move properly, and a myriad of other "symptoms" that made no sense. With many doctors looking at me like I was either insane, excessively needy, or just a hypochondriac; I continued to pursue "figuring out" what was "wrong" with me. Finally, I said the right combination of things to the right doctor (who by the way had encouragingly and repeatedly told me that he would not give up on me) and a diagnosis came in the summer of 2007 -- Advanced Rheumatoid Arthritis with organ involvement (or what the Dr. refers to as Lupus Tendency). I immediately went into a rigorous treatment plan involving some horrible medications. Shortly after the diagnosis of RA, came the addition of Celiac Sprue Disease. And shortly after that, my list of food allergies began to exponentially multiply. Although this all occurred over a long period of time, my body has continued to attack itself to the point that last year the proverbial rug got pulled out from underneath me. I do not have health insurance and because of that, once I got to a "maintenance" point in RA treatment, I stopped taking most all prescription medications. There was an immense amount of provision from the Lord to get me to this point and I do not in any way want to discredit the miraculous thing that this was! However, a little over a year ago I had an injury to my neck that led to a herniated disc. Treatment began for this, but I was in an overwhelming amount of pain - which led to additional flare-ups of RA, which led to additional joint damage and fatigue, which led to a further compromised immune system, which led to an additional need for medications... And so the saga goes! I have been doing my very best to manage my health, but I feel extraordinarily limited. I am in pain - both physical and emotional - and I am weary!
Finances: Isn't it always the case that we could think of a thousand ways to spend just a little extra money? I am always very reticent to mention finances because I want to be sensitive to my readers. And even more-so, it is very important to me to have a grateful heart! The challenge is that I also want to be able to be honest about where I need prayer, support, and a greater measure of faith! This is it. And very very honestly, health is the largest financial fight that I have! I have been amazingly blessed several times this past year in the way of finances. In part because of this, I don't stress about money nearly as much as I once did. I have learned that somehow it usually works out. :) Having said that, I do still experience stress here. There has not been a single month in the past year that I haven't needed financial support in some way. I HATE IT!!! I am a very independent person AND I really do want to be a self-supporting real-life grown up! Not to mention I feel like I am not able to prepare for the future because I am so financially caught in the moment.
So where does that bring me? First of all, please do not read this and think that I have forgotten all of the good things this year has brought. There has been much to rejoice over and thank the Lord for! And that is where this started! Through all of this pain and misery, I find myself lost in worship! When my heart aches, I am before the Lord seeking comfort. When I am overwhelmed with gratitude, I am in His presence declaring His might and faithfulness!
And through it all I can smile, laugh, rest, and declare that God is good...ALL THE TIME!
Showing posts with label Grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grief. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Saturday, May 5, 2012
What a Whirlwind...
I got back into Austin on Thursday evening, after what has to this point in my life been the most stressful week I have experienced. A lot of sweet and great things happened in it, but a lot of sadness, fear, and frustration also had to be encountered.
As you know, last week my beloved Paw Paw passed away. I am still sorting through many emotions, but by far the greatest is that I just wasn't ready to lose him! There have been two men in my life who I knew that I knew at all times I was just as precious to them as they were to me. My Paw Paw was one of them. My Uncle Jerry is the other.
I didn't grow up with a father who doted on his baby girl. In fact, more often than not, I thought I was a burden who was annoying and in the way. I didn't feel like I could do much "right" for him or that my efforts were ever recognized as the very best I had to offer. Our relationship was always strained, and to this day it continues to be.
I mention this, because my Paw Paw was never like that. As I said, I always knew that he loved me and wanted me. Even when I was an awkward teenager and he just really didn't know what to do with me, I was still special and loved -- and I knew it!
I last saw my Paw Paw in December. While my mother and I both had a break from work, we made the 11 hour drive to go see him. When we left, I said goodbye, but certainly did not expect it to be goodbye! A few weeks ago, he had an infection that caused him to go to the hospital. I so wanted to put away everything I was doing and go see him. But I didn't know or understand the urgency. I was very busy with work and had a thousand and one "important" things on my plate. But I didn't know that it would be my last chance to touch my Paw Paw, or hear his sweet voice. I didn't go. And I wish I had, because I never got to really say goodbye to him.
My sister, Marcie, and I drove up together for the funeral on Sunday. She has two babies, 7 month-old Amanda and 24 month-old Emily. The trip didn't take us the 11 hours I previously mentioned...no, it took us 18 hours! Yes, you read that right! The girls did AMAZINGLY well for the first 14 hours. It was pretty hairy after that! In the final 1 1/2 hour stretch, I was driving and my sister and the girls were sound asleep. My sister was so exhausted that she didn't even notice we drove through a thunder storm with hail. She was sitting in the back of the minivan to be close to the kiddos. I kept looking back, expecting her to wake in a panic. She never did. It wasn't until we hit Amarillo and slowed to exit the interstate that she actually woke. We got lost on the way to the hotel and my cousin had to come meet us to get us to the right place. We unloaded, did laundry, and made it into bed somewhere around 4:30 am (a full 24 hours since we had last risen out of bed).
On Monday, we woke early and got ready. While both of my sisters and I were together, we made the trip out to go see my father, his sister, and her husband. I really wanted to see my aunt and uncle, but honestly I wasn't sure I wanted to see my father. I didn't know what to expect, and I wasn't sure that I was ready for what may greet me. It had been 2 years since Shawna saw him, 8 since Marcie had, and 5 since I had. He of course had not met his grand-daughters, and it was important to Marcie that he get the chance while we were so close. We met him and our uncle at a restaurant, ate lunch, and then went to see my aunt who was not feeling well enough to come to lunch. This experience will have to fill up another blog post. But in short, the meeting went well. But I was definitely very stressed by it! We wrapped up our visit there and headed back to Amarillo to get ready for the viewing. We were late to the viewing, so I didn't have the chance to go actually see my Paw Paw and say good-bye without masses of people around. At one point the sanctuary emptied enough that no one was standing next to him having a conversation of any sort and I walked up to his casket. He didn't look like himself! He was pale, thin, and so very still. Even seeing that it was in fact time to say goodbye, I couldn't. I just wasn't ready!
In one day, I went to see the man who never valued me for who I am - living his life without me being a part of it. And I saw a man who treasured me as a valuable that could never be replaced - still and laying in a casket. It doesn't seem fair!
That night, my sister Marcie and I were both beyond the point of exhaustion and stress-able-ness. We had an argument and the only thing I could do was just walk away. I did not have the resolve to push through the argument to the solution. I just couldn't. I was saddened by our interaction and feared that because of the rocky road we have always traveled, there was no hope that we would ever get past it and walk on a smooth and straight road with each other. When I came back to the room, Marcie had gotten in bed and I followed suit.
Early Tuesday, my aunt got admitted to the ICU. We weren't sure if Uncle Jerry would make it to the funeral, but he did. That morning, we all worked together as a family (Shawna, Carl, Marcie, Mom, Me) to get Emily and Amanda ready, so Marcie could get everything gathered that would be needed for the day. We did well! We got out of the hotel and made it to the funeral on-time! Emmie sat between me and Car-Car (Uncle Carl) all through the service and she did great -- she knows "church" and so we told her we were at church and she needed to stay quiet. I was so proud of how well she did. I was paying attention, but felt a little numb; almost as if I couldn't process what was actually happening. At the very end, when they carried the closed casket out to the hurse, a piece of me just wanted to run up and stop them to say, "You can't take him away yet! I'm still not ready!" Don't worry, I didn't. We proceeded to the grave sight, where he was buried right between my grandmother and my cousin Marlena who passed away my junior year in college. Somehow, the fact that his body would rest right there - between two other people in his life that loved and adored him just as much as I did - it seemed ok. Everything that happened after that is a bit of a blur.
One thing about that day that stands out to me as a wonderful and amazing thing was a conversation that Marcie and I had Tuesday afternoon. We talked through our argument from the previous night and how it related to so many other arguments that we had. It was a good conversation - and Emily and Amanda slept through most of it, so we actually got to pay attention to each other without distraction! In this conversation, hope was restored that Marcie and I really can have more in our relationship. We both expressed our desire, prayers, and hopes for so much more -- and I think that the fact that we both want it so much will keep our relationship improving!
On Wednesday, we drove back as far as Abilene. We decided that staying there and having a change to play a little and get a good nights sleep would really help out with the rest of the drive. We still only got 5 hours of sleep, but that was between 2 and 4 hours more than we had for the previous 4 days!
We finished the drive on Thursday. It was a good drive! We talked some more about things that were important to both of us. And for me, one of the best parts was that Marcie was asking me about MY life. She genuinely wanted to know about my work, theories on education, and my own personal experiences that have led me in the direction of who I am today. It was as if 30 years of walls had begun crumbling and falling down!
After dropping Marcie and the girls off in Fredericksburg, I gathered my things and headed back to Austin. I had work things that needed to be addressed, a doctors appointment for my neck, and my small group meeting. I pushed through (and enjoyed) these things and then came home and CRASHED!!!! Friday I didn't have to be anywhere, and it was a good thing. My body was so exhausted that I pretty much just laid around all day. A friend of mine scheduled to have two housekeepers come clean my house on Friday afternoon, and it was the biggest blessing! I have a work party at my house tonight and having someone else come in to clean and help me get my house together was HUGE!!
I think this is probably the longest thing I have ever posted. In reality it is probably at least three different posts, but I just needed to spill it all out. If you have actually stuck through reading this whole thing, bless you! I am impressed!
Friday, April 27, 2012
My Beloved Paw Paw...
This afternoon, at the age of 91, my beloved Paw Paw left this world to go be with the Lord.
My earliest memory of my grandfather is being on the farm and going out into the wheat fields on his "big green tractor". He would take me out, let me sit on his lap and "drive" the green machine. We would look into the massive panhandle sky and discuss the important stuff in life - like what shape the clouds made in the sky and how to know if it was going to rain anytime in the next few days. I remember thinking, "this must be what heaven is like". I remember going out with him when I was three, when I was six, when I was ten, when I was twelve. This was our special time together!
Some of my other wonderful memories include sitting at the kitchen table and waiting for him to come in long after my bed time to eat a bowl of cereal together. He had the gross looking fiber-pellet cereal and I got Kix. We also enjoyed time sitting in the living room watching the news. He sat in his sheet-covered mechanical chair and I sat on the round orange ottoman right at his feet. I never much liked watching the news with anyone else, but when it was with my Paw Paw I was doing important business!
The big yellow farm house signified many great things in my childhood, but by far the very best was spending time with my Paw Paw! I don't know that there has been another single human in my life that I have adored quite as much!
As I grew older, there was a window of awkwardness that came. Somehow, I didn't feel like I was quite as special to him because I wasn't a hard working man or an even harder working woman - quite yet. I was just a teenage girl and I think he just didn't quite know what to do with me. But even still, my adoration for him never faded.
As all children (and grand-children) do, I grew. When it came time to pick a college to go to, I chose a school in Abilene. My grandparents lived there and I felt safe living close to them. My freshman year, my grandmother got very ill and my grandfather got into a car accident. I remember feeling the sting of realizing that my grandparents were aging and health was not a guarantee. Before my grandparents moved back up to Amarillo to live closer to a lot of our family, I had a conversation with my grandfather. He said, "Sis. You have always been a special one." I nearly fell apart in tears in that moment - just as I am in this one. I realized that despite my growing up, I was still his little grand-daughter.
In the following years, I made many trips from Abilene to Amarillo to see my grandparents. My grandmother's health was very frail during those years and I wanted to spend time with her. But even then, when my grandmother would go lie down for a rest I would sit and watch the news with my Paw Paw. It was time, that for some strange reason was just precious to me - almost sacred.
I have not seen my grandfather much in the past few years. I saw him just twice in the past 13 months - for his 90th birthday and for Christmas. His mind was becoming cloudy and his strength was diminished. Yet I still saw the strong man who would play with me in the wheat fields. Just last night in my "I can't sleep" awake hours, it occurred to me that my grandfather was not immortal and that at some point he would pass away from this world. I did NOT expect it to be today, but maybe Holy Spirit was just helping me prepare for the road that would be today.
I know that many will say that he is now in a better place where pain, fatigue, and earthly sorrow can no longer hinder him. For this I am thankful. But for the fact that I will never again get to sit and watch the news with my Paw Paw, I am grieved!
I will miss him like no other that I have ever lost!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Heart Break - Taking it to God?
So many things in life have the potential to break our hearts. Things that happen to us, to those close to us, and even to people we have never met but only heard their heart-wrenching stories. What do we do with that pain?
The cliche answer I know is, "Take it to God." That's a great answer, but how do you really do it? What is it to really bring brokenness and pain to the Lord? And what happens to it when you do? Once you have "gone to the Lord" is the hurt supposed to go away?
I can't really answer all of these questions. But I know in the depths of my heart that God hurts with us. In Psalm 56 it is recorded that the Lord has each of our sorrows written down and that He has collected our tears.
I have by no means perfected the art of grief. In fact, in many ways I feel like I haven't even touched the surface of knowing how to grieve.
There are plenty things in my life to grieve, I just haven't learned how. I haven't learned how to really trust God with the broken places in my heart. Especially those when I question, "Where were you, God?"
Were you there when I got sick? Were you there when my dear friend lost another baby? Were you there when someone special passed away?
Yes! God was there! And I don't know how to communicate it, but I also know that God has grieved with me and for me in those times when my heart hurts so badly that I can hardly catch my breath! It is a mystery that I don't understand. Something that is without formula. But somehow, there is a place of entering into the presence of God and in that place - that sacred, Holy place - the Lord shares in the pain, sadness, and overwhelming heart-ache.
So many things in life have the potential to break our hearts. Things that happen to us, to those close to us, and even to people we have never met but only heard their heart-wrenching stories. What do we do with that pain?
The cliche answer I know is, "Take it to God." That's a great answer, but how do you really do it? What is it to really bring brokenness and pain to the Lord? And what happens to it when you do? Once you have "gone to the Lord" is the hurt supposed to go away?
I can't really answer all of these questions. But I know in the depths of my heart that God hurts with us. In Psalm 56 it is recorded that the Lord has each of our sorrows written down and that He has collected our tears.
I have by no means perfected the art of grief. In fact, in many ways I feel like I haven't even touched the surface of knowing how to grieve.
There are plenty things in my life to grieve, I just haven't learned how. I haven't learned how to really trust God with the broken places in my heart. Especially those when I question, "Where were you, God?"
Were you there when I got sick? Were you there when my dear friend lost another baby? Were you there when someone special passed away?
Yes! God was there! And I don't know how to communicate it, but I also know that God has grieved with me and for me in those times when my heart hurts so badly that I can hardly catch my breath! It is a mystery that I don't understand. Something that is without formula. But somehow, there is a place of entering into the presence of God and in that place - that sacred, Holy place - the Lord shares in the pain, sadness, and overwhelming heart-ache.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Last Night
There is SO very much for me to write. See, writing is one of the primary ways that God gave me to communicate what is in my heart. But with that blessing and gift also come a responsibility that I do not maintain well. I find that when life is moving along at a steady but manageable pace I can write well and often. When life throws along the curve balls, however, I freeze! This is seen very much in my writing. It will stop for months at a time. There will be a few blips here and there where I am trying to make something happen and change, but by far my hands stay silent.
I am very much an "internal" processor. I told one of my close friends one day, "What can I say? I'm a PC, not a Mac." She thought it was cute, but something leaped in me to say that it was ok to be a PC...I just need to catch up to the PCs of today and get away from the 1970's giant processor that took all day to spit out one neat fact!
All of this said to say that I have been doing a lot of analyzing and processing without putting much out in the real world to say what's going on. As I mentioned in my most recent post, this year has been HUGE for me! On the surface it may seem like I have checked out, but inside...man oh man has furniture been moving around! My insides look entirely different...and the joy is that I know more is coming. I know that God will do what He wants with what I allow Him! I want to allow Him more!
So, as unexpected as last night was...I am so very thankful for all that happened! It would take me six hours and a 1000 page novel to really pour out everything that has taken place. I don't want to bore my readers or loose the true facts of what has happened so I am attempting to consolidate. Stories are important to me, as my dearest friends know. So this is a challenge!
The bottom line is that after the work that has been done over the last year and the victory of last night, God has more ownership in my life than I can ever remember Him having! There are things in my heart that have been my closest and most reliable companions that keep the Lord from really accomplishing all that He created me for! Things like fear, resentment, anger, bitterness, hatred, and the all-important unforgiveness. These spirits have been with me so long that I didn't even know how to really let go of them. They were nestled in places of my heart that I didn't even know could be accessed! Last night, God had the victory of pulling these things out of the depths of my being and replacing them with the truths that He has for me in their stead.
Here are some of the truths that were made known...that were realized in a new and fresh way last night.
1) I do not want to be a slave to fear! I am a mighty warrior for the Lord God Almighty. I no longer bow to fear, but stand with my head held high before my King, Jesus! It is done…fear no longer reigns!
2) Bitterness, anger, resentment, hatred, and unforgiveness are not my companions! They are death. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). These are some of his greatest weapons used, because we feel justified and somehow comforted in believing that we have rights to carry these. The truth of the Lord is that these weapons are bred from pride. Psalm 10:4 declares, "In his pride the wicked does not seek him (God); in all his thoughts there is no room for God." I don't like that this scripture applies to me. I like to set myself in the category of "righteous" not "wicked". I know however that my righteousness ONLY comes from the blood of Jesus! When I am walking along with my companions as the weapons of the enemy, I am not abiding in the righteousness of Christ. The Lord wants me to lay my pride down and trade in the weapons that the enemy has given me. His hearts desire is that I would know my righteousness - and that instead of allowing these tactics of the enemy to be my companions I would welcome His truth! In that truth, the fruit of Holy Spirit is bred; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. (See Galatians 5:6-23)
3) I need to welcome sorrow into my life to truly experience the Joy that Father desires for me! This may sound strange to some. I am not saying that we all need to gather around and conjure up a cry-fest and then afterward we will mysteriously find joy. What Father is showing me is that there are many places in my heart that have been shut off to feeling the grief and loss that I need to feel for true healing of those places to occur. It isn't until I experience the grief in my heart (sorrow) that I will really be set free of the bondage that occurs. The picture given to me about this was an ATM. Strange, yes...but it made sense to my heart! An ATM works on the principle of being able to take out what you have already put in. You can't take out what you don't have. And furthermore, you will only get interest on what you have invested! Several places in scripture discuss the Lord replacing our sorrow with His joy. One of my favorites is Psalm 30. The whole chapter is worth meditating over, but below are verses 5b and 11-12.
“Sorrow may last for a night, but His joy comes in the morning. You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!”
So, last night I entered into a new place of freedom! Thank you Mighty Jesus! It isn't that these things just came to me and my thinking was changed. No! These things happened and my heart was changed! Somehow in the way that only God can do it, He conquered territory in my heart that I have never really been able to give Him by myself! He didn't steal it, either. He waited...and waited...and waited until I was ready to allow Him to move! He is so good! And He does all things well!
Monday, October 26, 2009
A Different Me
I want to be a different me. I don't really like the me that I am right now! It isn't that I am a bad me - or that there are a whole lot of things about me that are horrible. OK - there are plenty of things I would like to change. Hence wanting to be a different me! But I really just don't feel like the me that I am used to...and really enjoy being!
I want to be more artsy. Instead of dabbling here and there in the arts, I want to be proficient...at about 10 different mediums!
I want to be more confident. I don't want to let all of the crazy imperfections of my day drive me so batty! So what if my hair won't stay styled for more than 10 minutes after I have fixed it? It still looks fine. And does anyone else really care that I am wearing a shirt that I have owned for 5 years? It isn't stained, torn, or faded...it's ok.
I want to not have RA...or migraines! Therefore, also having more money! Not that money matters too much to me, but I would at least like to have enough that I know it is ok for me to sign a lease without fear that I am going to leave my roommates in a lurch! Plus, not being in pain all the time would be so amazing! I think that is one of the things about Heaven that I look forward to the most!
I want to do work that makes me happy, makes a difference, is fun, is meaningful, and doesn't involve getting yelled at, cussed at, or always having to put "band-aids" on gaping wounds. I want to be able to talk about Jesus, pray, and share real things in real ways. I don't want the success of my day, week, or month to measured in metrics like how quickly I can close the door on the last person I talked to or how glued to my chair & phone I am.
I want freedom! I feel like such a caged bird these days! I feel like everything inside of me wants to explode out in an uncontrollable gush - like the molten-hot lava pouring from an active Mount St. Helens. What I feel like is really happening is that I am just dieing though. I can't explode, so all of the passion and energy and joy that makes me who I am is going to just fizzle out and die until there is nothing left but silent apathy! Then what?
Life isn't worth much without passion! Without the swell of the ocean's wave, there would be no tide. Without the climax in a good book, there would be no resolution. Without a growing tension in a beautiful symphony, there would be no tears! We need passion to live; to enjoy life!
I want to be a different me, because the me that exists right now has lost my fire! I have lost the things that make me want to get up and chase the day! I have lost the desire to push back when I don't like the way things are! I have lost something...something that is crucial to who I am. But how to get it back, I haven't figured out!
I want to be a different me. I don't really like the me that I am right now! It isn't that I am a bad me - or that there are a whole lot of things about me that are horrible. OK - there are plenty of things I would like to change. Hence wanting to be a different me! But I really just don't feel like the me that I am used to...and really enjoy being!
I want to be more artsy. Instead of dabbling here and there in the arts, I want to be proficient...at about 10 different mediums!
I want to be more confident. I don't want to let all of the crazy imperfections of my day drive me so batty! So what if my hair won't stay styled for more than 10 minutes after I have fixed it? It still looks fine. And does anyone else really care that I am wearing a shirt that I have owned for 5 years? It isn't stained, torn, or faded...it's ok.
I want to not have RA...or migraines! Therefore, also having more money! Not that money matters too much to me, but I would at least like to have enough that I know it is ok for me to sign a lease without fear that I am going to leave my roommates in a lurch! Plus, not being in pain all the time would be so amazing! I think that is one of the things about Heaven that I look forward to the most!
I want to do work that makes me happy, makes a difference, is fun, is meaningful, and doesn't involve getting yelled at, cussed at, or always having to put "band-aids" on gaping wounds. I want to be able to talk about Jesus, pray, and share real things in real ways. I don't want the success of my day, week, or month to measured in metrics like how quickly I can close the door on the last person I talked to or how glued to my chair & phone I am.
I want freedom! I feel like such a caged bird these days! I feel like everything inside of me wants to explode out in an uncontrollable gush - like the molten-hot lava pouring from an active Mount St. Helens. What I feel like is really happening is that I am just dieing though. I can't explode, so all of the passion and energy and joy that makes me who I am is going to just fizzle out and die until there is nothing left but silent apathy! Then what?
Life isn't worth much without passion! Without the swell of the ocean's wave, there would be no tide. Without the climax in a good book, there would be no resolution. Without a growing tension in a beautiful symphony, there would be no tears! We need passion to live; to enjoy life!
I want to be a different me, because the me that exists right now has lost my fire! I have lost the things that make me want to get up and chase the day! I have lost the desire to push back when I don't like the way things are! I have lost something...something that is crucial to who I am. But how to get it back, I haven't figured out!
Friday, October 23, 2009
BELOA
OK. So I think I might be sort-of back from my BELOA (Blogger's Extended Leave of Absence).
I have been in a bit of a funk over the last couple of months and just needed to let some things go for a bit. I stopped writing on my blog and gave myself a reprieve from making my bed one day a week. Then, I took my car through a car wash - the kind where you actually get out so they can vacuum the inside for you before running it through the sprayer thingy and then the guys dry the car for you. I also got a pedicure. All of this in the last month-and-a-half. It was nice to let go of a few things and treat myself to a couple of others. I needed it.
However, the funk is not gone. Life just isn't what I want it to be - or what I planned and I think I am having a hard time figuring out how to move forward with joy and confidence. I am still a long-term guest in a home that is not my own. I don't have my cats. I still have no clue what I want to be doing or am supposed to be doing for "life-work". Then there are all of the other things of life - health, finances, relationships... I am so restless where I am, yet I completely lack the energy or courage to make any changes right now! Please don't take these all for complaints! That is part of the reason for my BELOA! I needed to take some time to try to re-focus on the things that really are important to me and somehow find them - or find me in them. I'm not there. I am around, though.
OK. So I think I might be sort-of back from my BELOA (Blogger's Extended Leave of Absence).
I have been in a bit of a funk over the last couple of months and just needed to let some things go for a bit. I stopped writing on my blog and gave myself a reprieve from making my bed one day a week. Then, I took my car through a car wash - the kind where you actually get out so they can vacuum the inside for you before running it through the sprayer thingy and then the guys dry the car for you. I also got a pedicure. All of this in the last month-and-a-half. It was nice to let go of a few things and treat myself to a couple of others. I needed it.
However, the funk is not gone. Life just isn't what I want it to be - or what I planned and I think I am having a hard time figuring out how to move forward with joy and confidence. I am still a long-term guest in a home that is not my own. I don't have my cats. I still have no clue what I want to be doing or am supposed to be doing for "life-work". Then there are all of the other things of life - health, finances, relationships... I am so restless where I am, yet I completely lack the energy or courage to make any changes right now! Please don't take these all for complaints! That is part of the reason for my BELOA! I needed to take some time to try to re-focus on the things that really are important to me and somehow find them - or find me in them. I'm not there. I am around, though.
Monday, August 31, 2009
High-Lows
My small group has gotten into the *sort-of* habit of doing high-lows when we get together. We share with each other our "highs" of the week and the "lows" of the week. The last family that I lived with did high-lows most every night at dinner. I like this. I think it really does help us learn to love each other better - rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. (Thank you Mike Watson for the great series of relational growth teaching!)
So, today I want to share my high-lows. I always like to start with my lows, so I can end talking about the things that make me happy. So, here are my lows of the day:
1) I never got my coffee - when I was able to make it to the break room, it was all gone. I made a new pot and by the time I made it back to get some coffee, that pot was all gone. No coffee for the coffee fiend today!
2) I had to explain to at least 10 people today that no, I am not going to school and yes, I am staying in Austin and continuing to work at ACS. I am VERY thankful to have my job and to have roots where I am at, so that is not a complaint. It is just still hard. I think I am in a new phase of grieving this and it is just hard to not be where I want to be!
3) I got a call from a good friend today who had a doctor's appointment. It didn't seem to go poorly, but also didn't seem to go well. The doctor ran some additional labs and told her she will have to wait for the results before knowing more. From what she had to say, it doesn't sound like he did a good job of telling her what he was looking for/ruling out or if she should be concerned. I think most people's default is that when the doc only gives you a penny's worth of insight it leaves a lot of room for questions, doubt, fear, etc. I'm a little perturbed that he didn't take better care of her and arm her better to know what to do in the mean-time while she waits. Plus, she is supposed to be leaving to go to school across the country and he didn't tell her if it was advisable to stay or safe to go -- seems like he just left the ball completely in her court. Don't doctors understand that we look to them (rightly or not - absolutely NO judgement here) for wisdom and guidance? Yes, we have to be our greatest health care advocate, but if you don't know what questions to ask the doctor, he should be kind enough to help guide you through the muddy waters. Sorry - this could very easily become a rant...in fact, maybe it has! I'll stop it here.
Here are my highs. I am so gonna rock the highs out of the water tonight!
1) Jenn is having her baby. Like right now! PUSH!! Welcome to the world little Emily Loraine! I can't wait to see you tomorrow. I couldn't wait for you any longer tonight, I had to come home. But I am so looking forward to meeting you face-to-face tomorrow and seeing this beautiful doll that I have been praying for, for the last nine months! Do you have any clue how loved you are? Any clue how many people are waiting to hold you and kiss you and cradle you and teach you about life? Oh, this world isn't that frightening when you have people who want to embrace you - and you have LOTS!
2) As if No. 1 isn't enough... I talked to an amazing, and hilarious woman today at work. She insisted that I am the only "case manager" she wants to talk to from now on. When she calls back if it isn't me and the Cancer Information Specialist who answers can't transfer her (which we can't), she will hang up and call back until she gets me. Does she realize I am one of about 250 Specialists in our National call center that is open 24/7 (of which I am there 30 hours a week)? I tried to explain, but to no avail. She insisted that when she wants something, she gets it. You know, I believe her! In her thick, New York, elder Jewish woman accent she closes the call by saying, "Oh Baby, you have just been the sunshine in my rainy day! You're such a Doll! May God bless you all the days of your life. No really, I mean that; all the days you live! You have given me hope today and that is more than anyone has offered in a while. God love you." It made me laugh and smile and gave me warm-fuzzies all over!
3) When I got to work this morning and checked my schedule, I saw that I have tomorrow off! Wow! I had requested the day off like 4 months ago and had forgotten about it. Since I didn't change my schedule after getting re-hired back to work, they never cancelled this time. I thought about giving it back. But given that it is now 10:30 at night, Emily is joining the world and I want to hang out with her and Jenn & David a little tomorrow, and that well...they're paying me to sleep in, I figured I would go ahead and take the time off! It is probably really good for me. Plus, the couple I'm staying with is getting back from vacation tomorrow. This will give me a chance to do a once-over on the house and make sure everything looks nice for them when they get home.
Yay for high-lows! It's good to practice sharing what's going on in life. It isn't always easy, but it is good. What are your high-lows for the day/week? Please share them with me. I really do want to know!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Oh, I am Just Not Ready
I am just not ready for the weekend to end and to go back to work tomorrow. I have so greatly enjoyed the solitude and the time away. It was great to have two consecutive days where I didn't have to talk to anyone about cancer and where I didn't have to talk to anyone about not going to school. I got to spend time doing fun things that are healing to my heart in some funny way. I got to hang out with just God and myself. I spent time watering plants and trees and birds and making the house all clean and sweet smelling. It was just such a great weekend that I am not ready for it to end! I rather like having time alone, away from the realities of sickness and pain and the fragility of human-kind. I'm not saying I would want it this way forever - not at all. I just don't think I'm ready right now. Alas, it is 9:00 pm, which means it is time to get everything laid out and ready for work tomorrow because the day will be coming ... ready or not!
I am just not ready for the weekend to end and to go back to work tomorrow. I have so greatly enjoyed the solitude and the time away. It was great to have two consecutive days where I didn't have to talk to anyone about cancer and where I didn't have to talk to anyone about not going to school. I got to spend time doing fun things that are healing to my heart in some funny way. I got to hang out with just God and myself. I spent time watering plants and trees and birds and making the house all clean and sweet smelling. It was just such a great weekend that I am not ready for it to end! I rather like having time alone, away from the realities of sickness and pain and the fragility of human-kind. I'm not saying I would want it this way forever - not at all. I just don't think I'm ready right now. Alas, it is 9:00 pm, which means it is time to get everything laid out and ready for work tomorrow because the day will be coming ... ready or not!
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Today
I told a friend at work the other day that I just wasn't "bouncing back" as quickly as I would like from this whole Bethel thing. It was hard for me to make plans to go and then in the blink of an eye have to change course! I haven't done a lot of talking to other people or blogging about this, because I really wanted to spend time with God and know that I know that I am good with Him before dealing with the periphery of everyone else's thoughts and opinions. I need to know what God is saying to me in this. Not so much what Adam, Brandy, and Caleb are saying.
I think that today something in me turned a bit. I have had time to lounge around and spend time with ME. I said "no" to going to an amusement park with friends, helping with a service project at church, and helping to take care of a friend who isn't feeling well this weekend - for the sheer purpose of just having some alone time. All of the other things would have been great too, but they weren't what I really needed - they were distractions right now! I would have been very blessed to have spent the day with friends playing, serving with my church, or loving on a friend that needed me. Those are all things that would have blessed other people too, in some way. They just weren't what was needed. I had to choose which was the best investment of my time today. Sometimes these choices are hard, but I am glad that I chose the way I did.
My heart somehow feels less burdened. I feel a little more confident in resting in the Lord for direction. I have been singing and smiling and enjoying the day. I got some things accomplished, and that is good. I made laundry soap - which spells super yummy and I can't wait to finish off the last batch so I can start using this one! I played some games on the computer. I spent some time outside. It was just a great day - and I am very thankful for it!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
The Plans Seem to be Changing
Without saying too much - primarily because I do not feel like I have a lot in me to say - the plans are changing. I will probably write some things to post later, but don't feel as though I can really put my thoughts and feelings together into coherent words at the moment. I am not going to Bethel, however.
I am terribly sad! Even more than I am sad, I am very confused! I know that time (and a lot of prayer and rest before the Lord) will offer consolation and answers. For right now, I just feel a bit lost - and as if I have lost something!
As I'm sure you know, this came as a great surprise! It was not what I expected. I do still declare that the Lord, God, has ordered my steps! He will not lead me into harm and will not lead me away from His goodness! This whole process has been greatly bathed in prayer by myself and many trusted friends. We have been praying for a FULL provision of the Lord in this! I trust that even if it is not what I expected, this door closing at this time is mercy and provision by God!
Please be praying for me to have a great understanding, comfort, and peace. Please also pray that I pick myself up well and continue stronger, braver, wiser, and more committed to the Lord than I was before! May His glory be shown in this! Thank you!
Without saying too much - primarily because I do not feel like I have a lot in me to say - the plans are changing. I will probably write some things to post later, but don't feel as though I can really put my thoughts and feelings together into coherent words at the moment. I am not going to Bethel, however.
I am terribly sad! Even more than I am sad, I am very confused! I know that time (and a lot of prayer and rest before the Lord) will offer consolation and answers. For right now, I just feel a bit lost - and as if I have lost something!
As I'm sure you know, this came as a great surprise! It was not what I expected. I do still declare that the Lord, God, has ordered my steps! He will not lead me into harm and will not lead me away from His goodness! This whole process has been greatly bathed in prayer by myself and many trusted friends. We have been praying for a FULL provision of the Lord in this! I trust that even if it is not what I expected, this door closing at this time is mercy and provision by God!
Please be praying for me to have a great understanding, comfort, and peace. Please also pray that I pick myself up well and continue stronger, braver, wiser, and more committed to the Lord than I was before! May His glory be shown in this! Thank you!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Quite Possibly the Saddest Day Yet
Today was quite possibly the saddest day I have yet had. As of about noon, I am no longer a pet owner. It is the hardest part of this whole transition! I had to find new homes for my cats. All three of them got to stay together and they went to a wonderful family that I know from church. I know they will be well cared for, will get prayed for and blessed regularly, and will be treated with a great deal of love and respect. It is still so hard, though!
As I was preparing to leave the house with them today, the overwhelming sadness slammed into me like a tidal wave! I couldn't catch my breath! I knew I was doing the right thing, but it just hurt so bad! I felt like Piglet in Winnie the Pooh - "I'm not quite brave enough." I called on the Lord and He answered! He ushered in the strength needed - and even brought in a great deal of peace and some joy. It was still very difficult!
Noelle and Cinnamon transitioned very well! They eased in and found their way through the house. They got acquainted with Obie and Chewie (the two cats that already reside in the house). By the time I left, they were perfectly fine and were acting as if they have always belonged in this place. Truffle has a different tale, however. He was not too happy with the change. He groaned and growled. He didn't want to be in his cage, out of his cage, held, anything...he just wanted to go home! How sad it was for me to try to communicate to him that this was his new home! We finally left him locked in a very small powder room with his ball, carrier, and some water. He seemed ok with that - but still not the happy-go-lucky baby I know him to be. I know he will be fine! It makes me feel so much better to know that at least the girls adjusted well - within moments of entering the house.
I am doing ok. Very sad, but doing well. I know that God is preparing me for a time to focus on learning more about Him and growing in that. He was very faithful to provide a loving home for my babies. He has been faithful to provide peace to me, in the midst of a LOT of change!
Monday, June 29, 2009
An Update and Memorial
I have started writing several entries over the last few days, but haven't been able to complete one of them for various reasons. Here is an update.
On Wednesday, my best friends mother passed away. You may remember me mentioning her in a couple of my writings. She has been fighting a battle of recurrent ovarian cancer with metastasis for many years. The last few months have been quite rough! I will write more about this in a moment.
On Thursday, I had a Sozo - which had been scheduled for a couple of weeks. Sozo is the Greek word for saved, healed, or delivered. The point is to uncover places of (spiritual) lies and allow God's freedom in that place, ushering in healing. If you want more info about this type of prayer ministry, try going to http://bethelsozo.com/ I will write another entry on this at some point. Bottom line is that it was amazing! God is so great! The Spirit is so wonderful to carry us through the places of brokenness and offer good gifts for healing in place of devastation! Oh, He is just amazing!
Friday, I came back to work and had this mixed feeling - euphoria from Thursday and sorrow from the pain of losing such a wonderful woman who has impacted my life. I made it through the day. That night was the carnival at my church - it was great. My group served ice cream. It was so much fun to watch children and adult-children alike trying to decide which flavor was the "best"! It was wonderful! That must be what the first day working at Baskin Robbins feels like.
Saturday I slept in a bit and then had a slow morning doing laundry and preparing to leave to drive four hours for the funeral service. I left that afternoon and had a safe drive. I stayed the night with one of my best friends from college, Summer. I was once again reminded of the blessing of friendship! I was thinking about it - we are about to hit the eleven-year mark on when we met and became friends! How amazing! We have been through so much together and when we see each other now, we just pick up wherever we left off the last time we saw each other - no matter how long that may have been! Our friendship is a true treasure to me! That night we stayed up kind-of late and watched a movie and ate ice cream. How fun!
Then Sunday was Summer's birthday. It was so neat to get to be with her on her birthday! We went to church. The teacher in the Sunday school class had been one of my professors in college many years ago. It was so surreal to be back in a "teaching" environment with him! When I walked in and saw him I had this little flash-back to 9 years ago. It was really funny! After church and lunch, I had to leave to drive another hour further north to go to the funeral. It was lovely - if that is ok to say. I walked in and saw Lisa (that is my friend) - she came over to me with tears streaming and gave me a hug. It was so hard to see the pain that she was in, but I was very glad that I could be there to support her. After hugging her, I went to her dad to give him a hug - that was the really hard part! He said something to me that meant so much, though! He embraced me and started tearing up. Then he thanked me for being there and for my endurance in praying for Sue through this ordeal. It amazed me that this is the word he chose, because this is exactly the word (endurance) that I have been asking God for and asking others to be praying for me in this! God is so amazing to provide what we need and then to confirm that He has provided what we need! After the service was over, I shared my condolences with the family again and then headed back home.
Now, I am back home. I am tired, and I have this very odd mixture of joy and sadness still. I am very happy that Sue is no longer hurting or suffering. I am overjoyed that she is now with the ultimate love of her life! I am very sad that we did not see the miracle that we have been waiting and contending for! I am very sad that we have lost such a wonderfully amazing woman on this earth! She has not gone without leaving a legacy. She will be missed, though!
I have started writing several entries over the last few days, but haven't been able to complete one of them for various reasons. Here is an update.
On Wednesday, my best friends mother passed away. You may remember me mentioning her in a couple of my writings. She has been fighting a battle of recurrent ovarian cancer with metastasis for many years. The last few months have been quite rough! I will write more about this in a moment.
On Thursday, I had a Sozo - which had been scheduled for a couple of weeks. Sozo is the Greek word for saved, healed, or delivered. The point is to uncover places of (spiritual) lies and allow God's freedom in that place, ushering in healing. If you want more info about this type of prayer ministry, try going to http://bethelsozo.com/ I will write another entry on this at some point. Bottom line is that it was amazing! God is so great! The Spirit is so wonderful to carry us through the places of brokenness and offer good gifts for healing in place of devastation! Oh, He is just amazing!
Friday, I came back to work and had this mixed feeling - euphoria from Thursday and sorrow from the pain of losing such a wonderful woman who has impacted my life. I made it through the day. That night was the carnival at my church - it was great. My group served ice cream. It was so much fun to watch children and adult-children alike trying to decide which flavor was the "best"! It was wonderful! That must be what the first day working at Baskin Robbins feels like.
Saturday I slept in a bit and then had a slow morning doing laundry and preparing to leave to drive four hours for the funeral service. I left that afternoon and had a safe drive. I stayed the night with one of my best friends from college, Summer. I was once again reminded of the blessing of friendship! I was thinking about it - we are about to hit the eleven-year mark on when we met and became friends! How amazing! We have been through so much together and when we see each other now, we just pick up wherever we left off the last time we saw each other - no matter how long that may have been! Our friendship is a true treasure to me! That night we stayed up kind-of late and watched a movie and ate ice cream. How fun!
Then Sunday was Summer's birthday. It was so neat to get to be with her on her birthday! We went to church. The teacher in the Sunday school class had been one of my professors in college many years ago. It was so surreal to be back in a "teaching" environment with him! When I walked in and saw him I had this little flash-back to 9 years ago. It was really funny! After church and lunch, I had to leave to drive another hour further north to go to the funeral. It was lovely - if that is ok to say. I walked in and saw Lisa (that is my friend) - she came over to me with tears streaming and gave me a hug. It was so hard to see the pain that she was in, but I was very glad that I could be there to support her. After hugging her, I went to her dad to give him a hug - that was the really hard part! He said something to me that meant so much, though! He embraced me and started tearing up. Then he thanked me for being there and for my endurance in praying for Sue through this ordeal. It amazed me that this is the word he chose, because this is exactly the word (endurance) that I have been asking God for and asking others to be praying for me in this! God is so amazing to provide what we need and then to confirm that He has provided what we need! After the service was over, I shared my condolences with the family again and then headed back home.
Now, I am back home. I am tired, and I have this very odd mixture of joy and sadness still. I am very happy that Sue is no longer hurting or suffering. I am overjoyed that she is now with the ultimate love of her life! I am very sad that we did not see the miracle that we have been waiting and contending for! I am very sad that we have lost such a wonderfully amazing woman on this earth! She has not gone without leaving a legacy. She will be missed, though!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Unhappiness
Today I'm having and ugh day. I really just feel like laying it out there and saying the things that I am dissatisfied with. I don't just want to leave it there though. Ok, maybe I do just a little. I think a part of me would be satisfied to just say all of the things that I am unhappy about and then close and go to bed. I know that isn't right though! I need to turn it over to God and ask Him to take control and bring satisfaction, even where I do not see a way. Right?
Here is a theological question for those of you who are exploring an understanding of where God stands on good and bad. Is it ok to simply be unhappy? Do we always have to try to flip it to the "But God is good because..." side of the coin? Sure God is good! I'm not questioning that, but sometimes down right crummy things happen and my opinion is that it is ok with God for us to be discontent in that! Is it sinful to be unhappy? I would probably question someone who said it is. I would certainly listen to their argument. I would most likely have a few rebuttals, though.
We are told to "consider it joy when we face trials of all kinds" and to "persevere in trial" in James 1:2 & 12. We are also told to "mourn with those who mourn" in Romans 12:15. King David and Jesus, alike cried out "My God, my God! Why have you forsaken me?" (Psalm 22:1 and Matthew 27:46). This suggests to me that it is ok to stop and think on the things that hurt, dissatisfy, and grieve me. The question then, is what do I do with the pain after I have acknowledged it and thought on it?
I don't know that I have the perfect response. In fact, I am pretty certain I don't have the perfect anything! What I do know is that God is close to the broken-hearted! I know it and I trust it. It doesn't make me any less dissatisfied with my circumstance, but it does offer peace to know that I can rest in the hands of a maker that loves me and cares about my circumstance even more that I do!
So, after recognizing the things that hinder my happiness, I go to God and cry out! "Father? Where are you? I know you hold me close, but right now I need to know how to bring these things before you and find contentment. I need to learn how to persevere and find joy in my trials. I need you to pour your perfect love over me to wash into the dark places that can't see your love! I need you to give me strength where I am weak and offer me rest! Restore me, God! Restore my body and my spirit! Let me dance before you with the joy of a young child! I will only bless your name, God! Regardless of my unhappiness, I will stand firm that you are righteous and good! In your Holy name! Amen!"
Today I'm having and ugh day. I really just feel like laying it out there and saying the things that I am dissatisfied with. I don't just want to leave it there though. Ok, maybe I do just a little. I think a part of me would be satisfied to just say all of the things that I am unhappy about and then close and go to bed. I know that isn't right though! I need to turn it over to God and ask Him to take control and bring satisfaction, even where I do not see a way. Right?
Here is a theological question for those of you who are exploring an understanding of where God stands on good and bad. Is it ok to simply be unhappy? Do we always have to try to flip it to the "But God is good because..." side of the coin? Sure God is good! I'm not questioning that, but sometimes down right crummy things happen and my opinion is that it is ok with God for us to be discontent in that! Is it sinful to be unhappy? I would probably question someone who said it is. I would certainly listen to their argument. I would most likely have a few rebuttals, though.
We are told to "consider it joy when we face trials of all kinds" and to "persevere in trial" in James 1:2 & 12. We are also told to "mourn with those who mourn" in Romans 12:15. King David and Jesus, alike cried out "My God, my God! Why have you forsaken me?" (Psalm 22:1 and Matthew 27:46). This suggests to me that it is ok to stop and think on the things that hurt, dissatisfy, and grieve me. The question then, is what do I do with the pain after I have acknowledged it and thought on it?
I don't know that I have the perfect response. In fact, I am pretty certain I don't have the perfect anything! What I do know is that God is close to the broken-hearted! I know it and I trust it. It doesn't make me any less dissatisfied with my circumstance, but it does offer peace to know that I can rest in the hands of a maker that loves me and cares about my circumstance even more that I do!
So, after recognizing the things that hinder my happiness, I go to God and cry out! "Father? Where are you? I know you hold me close, but right now I need to know how to bring these things before you and find contentment. I need to learn how to persevere and find joy in my trials. I need you to pour your perfect love over me to wash into the dark places that can't see your love! I need you to give me strength where I am weak and offer me rest! Restore me, God! Restore my body and my spirit! Let me dance before you with the joy of a young child! I will only bless your name, God! Regardless of my unhappiness, I will stand firm that you are righteous and good! In your Holy name! Amen!"
Thursday, March 5, 2009
God, I Need More
More grace, more peace, more patience! I need it all, and much much more! I don't know how much longer I can go like this! I feel like I am suffocating in the stress of things to do, expenses to find money for, and relationships to maintain. This doesn't even begin to keep in check trying to focus on work, make time for rest, and somehow try to spend quality time (not the leftovers of my day) with my Creator. My head feels like it is going to explode off of my shoulders all day long, my heart aches as if it is going to pound out of my chest, the night of rest is interrupted time and again by worries or pains or memories of things that didn't get done or need to get done. My skin is itchy and breaking out. All someone had to do is look at me with a slightly questionable "tone"...or even just smile and I all but burst into tears. I think I have come to the end of myself! I can not hold on any longer!
God, I need more of you! I am nothing without you. This I know. But do I really believe it? My actions and response to the lack of control I am living in right now would somehow seem to say I don't. God, would you please take what little faith I have and somehow - in a way that only you can - will you please move mountains with it? I just need more of You God! Holy Spirit, pour your balm of comfort and peace over me. Father, speak Your wisdom over me! Help me know what to do. Help me God, to hear you over the torrents of accusation, condemnation, and rejection. Jesus, my precious and mighty Jesus! I need you! I need you more today than I ever have! Please come and rescue me from the lies that so easily entangle me. Let me hear your acceptance and see the love in your eyes and forget all of my own concerns. God, I need more...more of you!
More grace, more peace, more patience! I need it all, and much much more! I don't know how much longer I can go like this! I feel like I am suffocating in the stress of things to do, expenses to find money for, and relationships to maintain. This doesn't even begin to keep in check trying to focus on work, make time for rest, and somehow try to spend quality time (not the leftovers of my day) with my Creator. My head feels like it is going to explode off of my shoulders all day long, my heart aches as if it is going to pound out of my chest, the night of rest is interrupted time and again by worries or pains or memories of things that didn't get done or need to get done. My skin is itchy and breaking out. All someone had to do is look at me with a slightly questionable "tone"...or even just smile and I all but burst into tears. I think I have come to the end of myself! I can not hold on any longer!
God, I need more of you! I am nothing without you. This I know. But do I really believe it? My actions and response to the lack of control I am living in right now would somehow seem to say I don't. God, would you please take what little faith I have and somehow - in a way that only you can - will you please move mountains with it? I just need more of You God! Holy Spirit, pour your balm of comfort and peace over me. Father, speak Your wisdom over me! Help me know what to do. Help me God, to hear you over the torrents of accusation, condemnation, and rejection. Jesus, my precious and mighty Jesus! I need you! I need you more today than I ever have! Please come and rescue me from the lies that so easily entangle me. Let me hear your acceptance and see the love in your eyes and forget all of my own concerns. God, I need more...more of you!
Friday, February 13, 2009
The Day
The day was a really great day! Thank you, God for such a great day! It was busy and it was hard! I got about 4 hours of sleep last night (which made it almost 2 hours later than I planned on waking up by) and did not stop once while I was awake. In fact, I just checked my e-mail for the first time all day. I didn't get everything accomplished that I planned on for the day, but I got enough that I feel like there are some boxes checked off. I still have a lot to do tomorrow - enough that I feel like I have to play the role of Super-Lynn again. It's ok, though! Tomorrow night is going to be great! Just like today was great!
I think my high today was while I was driving. I went to a memorial today for a friend that passed away 10 years ago - today is the anniversary. It took me about 2 hours to get out there, about an hour out there, and about 3 1/2 hours to get home (because of traffic). For the first hour as I was on my way back home, I was just moved by the Spirit to be praising God and thanking Him for all of the wonderful things He has done in my life! I sang a little and laughed a lot. Thanksgiving just rattled off of me without any desire to stop! It was SO precious! I thanked God for little things and big things, stuff that happened 20 years ago and stuff that hasn't even happened yet, and for the riches and wealth that He has blessed me with! I spent time praying against lies and curses of Satan and calling in the Spirit of God in place of those things. It was just a wonderful time! I am so grateful for it!
I have much more to say, but I am so exhausted that I am almost about to start crying - just because my emotions are pretty much spent for the day, not because anything is wrong. I am going to go crash and receive the dreams and blessings that God wants to speak over me tonight! I am going to sleep well!
Thank you God for the day today. Thank you for blessing me with such a wonderful time to spend with you and hear from you today! Thank you for getting me to and from safely today. Thank you for all of the precious people that you have put in my life, who have made such an impact! Thank you for this wonderful day. It is such a blessing! I thank you that you are making me sleepy, so that I will be able to rest well tonight. I also thank you for the dreams that you are going to bless me with tonight and ask that I would be able to hear your heart for me clearly! Thank you, God for being so wonderful and so good to me! I love you and thank you for the ways that you have pursued me and loved me! It is in your precious name that I lift this to you! Amen!
The day was a really great day! Thank you, God for such a great day! It was busy and it was hard! I got about 4 hours of sleep last night (which made it almost 2 hours later than I planned on waking up by) and did not stop once while I was awake. In fact, I just checked my e-mail for the first time all day. I didn't get everything accomplished that I planned on for the day, but I got enough that I feel like there are some boxes checked off. I still have a lot to do tomorrow - enough that I feel like I have to play the role of Super-Lynn again. It's ok, though! Tomorrow night is going to be great! Just like today was great!
I think my high today was while I was driving. I went to a memorial today for a friend that passed away 10 years ago - today is the anniversary. It took me about 2 hours to get out there, about an hour out there, and about 3 1/2 hours to get home (because of traffic). For the first hour as I was on my way back home, I was just moved by the Spirit to be praising God and thanking Him for all of the wonderful things He has done in my life! I sang a little and laughed a lot. Thanksgiving just rattled off of me without any desire to stop! It was SO precious! I thanked God for little things and big things, stuff that happened 20 years ago and stuff that hasn't even happened yet, and for the riches and wealth that He has blessed me with! I spent time praying against lies and curses of Satan and calling in the Spirit of God in place of those things. It was just a wonderful time! I am so grateful for it!
I have much more to say, but I am so exhausted that I am almost about to start crying - just because my emotions are pretty much spent for the day, not because anything is wrong. I am going to go crash and receive the dreams and blessings that God wants to speak over me tonight! I am going to sleep well!
Thank you God for the day today. Thank you for blessing me with such a wonderful time to spend with you and hear from you today! Thank you for getting me to and from safely today. Thank you for all of the precious people that you have put in my life, who have made such an impact! Thank you for this wonderful day. It is such a blessing! I thank you that you are making me sleepy, so that I will be able to rest well tonight. I also thank you for the dreams that you are going to bless me with tonight and ask that I would be able to hear your heart for me clearly! Thank you, God for being so wonderful and so good to me! I love you and thank you for the ways that you have pursued me and loved me! It is in your precious name that I lift this to you! Amen!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Sleepless Night
I have been trying, unsuccessfully, to fall asleep for over three hours! It is now a little after 3:00 am. I really really really want to be asleep! I just can't seem to get there though! It is really frustrating! I keep thinking about a kajillion different things, none of which do I want consuming my mind right now. I finally decided to write it out and see if that will somehow bring on the drowsiness I am longing for!
I am thinking about a lot of different things tonight.
* The boy who I really like, but have no clue if he likes me. I have it so bad that every time I think about him I get this dorky smile and start thinking about what it could be like if something actually worked out between us.
* The birthday cake that I somehow have to fit the making of into my extraordinarily busy day tomorrow (technically today) - all so it can get decorated by my extraordinarily busy day on Friday.
* Thinking through all the things I have to do on Thursday...wake up early, go to HEB - one of the ones that has gluten free cake mixes. Buy said cake mix along with the ingredients to make frosting, french onion soup, and an appetizer of some sort (that I still haven't figured out). Come home and make aforementioned cake. Let it bake for however long 4 cake mixes will take. Get everything ready for a quick trip that I am taking, go exchange cars - I am borrowing a friends car for the trip that was just mentioned, go to a meeting at the church, leave and drive 2 hours away for a 30 minute memorial service and then drive another 2 hours back home, come home and change, get communion, and head out to small group. Only after all of that will I get to eat dinner and have communion with my friends. I then have to go exchange cars back, come home and decorate the cake that was previously spoken about. At some point in time during the day I also need to call my doctor to see if I can move a doctors appointment to an earlier time for Friday. I also need to call my sister and see if I can use her mixer and somehow get to pick it up before small group.
* I am also thinking about how tomorrow is the 10 year anniversary from the day one of my dear friends got killed in a car accident (hence the memorial). Could it possibly be that 10 years has passed since I saw her beautiful smile or heard her joyful laugh? It doesn't seem like it, but it has been!
* I am thinking about how Friday is going to be just as busy as Thursday - minus the 4 hours of driving. Friday is my birthday party. I still have quite a bit to do to get ready for it, but I can't even begin to think through it all. I need to get through Thursday first - then I can think about Friday!
* I am thinking about how my head is already hurting and if I don't get enough sleep I am pretty much destined to have a migraine...which I have already been dealing with for 2 days. It is hard enough to get through the day with a migraine when I don't have a lot to do -- when there is this much that needs to get done it is impossible!
* I am worrying that I will be sleepy while I am driving...just not safe!
I have prayed through all of this. I have asked Jesus to wash over me with peace and rest. I have rebuked Satan and his demons from causing me worry, pain, sickness, and restlessness. I have welcomed in peace and joy and wellness and sleep. Now that I have chronicled the things that are consuming my mind, rebuked evil, and welcomed the blessing from my Lord and Savior I am going to go back to my bed to sleep!
I have been trying, unsuccessfully, to fall asleep for over three hours! It is now a little after 3:00 am. I really really really want to be asleep! I just can't seem to get there though! It is really frustrating! I keep thinking about a kajillion different things, none of which do I want consuming my mind right now. I finally decided to write it out and see if that will somehow bring on the drowsiness I am longing for!
I am thinking about a lot of different things tonight.
* The boy who I really like, but have no clue if he likes me. I have it so bad that every time I think about him I get this dorky smile and start thinking about what it could be like if something actually worked out between us.
* The birthday cake that I somehow have to fit the making of into my extraordinarily busy day tomorrow (technically today) - all so it can get decorated by my extraordinarily busy day on Friday.
* Thinking through all the things I have to do on Thursday...wake up early, go to HEB - one of the ones that has gluten free cake mixes. Buy said cake mix along with the ingredients to make frosting, french onion soup, and an appetizer of some sort (that I still haven't figured out). Come home and make aforementioned cake. Let it bake for however long 4 cake mixes will take. Get everything ready for a quick trip that I am taking, go exchange cars - I am borrowing a friends car for the trip that was just mentioned, go to a meeting at the church, leave and drive 2 hours away for a 30 minute memorial service and then drive another 2 hours back home, come home and change, get communion, and head out to small group. Only after all of that will I get to eat dinner and have communion with my friends. I then have to go exchange cars back, come home and decorate the cake that was previously spoken about. At some point in time during the day I also need to call my doctor to see if I can move a doctors appointment to an earlier time for Friday. I also need to call my sister and see if I can use her mixer and somehow get to pick it up before small group.
* I am also thinking about how tomorrow is the 10 year anniversary from the day one of my dear friends got killed in a car accident (hence the memorial). Could it possibly be that 10 years has passed since I saw her beautiful smile or heard her joyful laugh? It doesn't seem like it, but it has been!
* I am thinking about how Friday is going to be just as busy as Thursday - minus the 4 hours of driving. Friday is my birthday party. I still have quite a bit to do to get ready for it, but I can't even begin to think through it all. I need to get through Thursday first - then I can think about Friday!
* I am thinking about how my head is already hurting and if I don't get enough sleep I am pretty much destined to have a migraine...which I have already been dealing with for 2 days. It is hard enough to get through the day with a migraine when I don't have a lot to do -- when there is this much that needs to get done it is impossible!
* I am worrying that I will be sleepy while I am driving...just not safe!
I have prayed through all of this. I have asked Jesus to wash over me with peace and rest. I have rebuked Satan and his demons from causing me worry, pain, sickness, and restlessness. I have welcomed in peace and joy and wellness and sleep. Now that I have chronicled the things that are consuming my mind, rebuked evil, and welcomed the blessing from my Lord and Savior I am going to go back to my bed to sleep!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Where did the year go?
I thought I would reflect on the last year - both the good and the bad and write out some of the things that happened.
January 2008: We had a couple of ice days in the city I live in and I couldn't get out of my neighborhood. My mother stayed at my place with me so I wouldn't have to be alone and bored. We played games and made a roast and drank lots of hot cocoa and hot tea. When we finally had to leave, we had to de-ice the cars. We don't live in a place that gets much snow or ice, so we don't really have to proper clothing or equipment. We laid out cardboard boxes to keep from sliding around too much and scraped the cars down. When we were finally done, our shoes were soaked through. We brought them inside and put them on the open oven door and let them cook dry while we played another game. It was a good memory!
February 2008: I had my 29th birthday with a really fun party! It was a girls-only party and no kids were there (except for a newborn baby who as of this week is living in Africa)! We had lasagna and an amazing salad that two of my friends made and a beautiful and yummy birthday cake. I had a wonderful time hanging out with the women that I love so much and that love me. One of the best parts is that my mother and both of my sisters got to come, too! I left that night feeling really blessed to have so many amazing women in my life!
March 2008: I started sensing transition, but wasn't sure what it would be. Things were pretty difficult financially and emotionally. I found out that I was having some kidney failure from the medication I was on for RA and had to change medication. Fortunately, my doctor caught this quickly and there was no permanent damage to my kidneys!
April 2008: Not only the sense of transition was on me, but the desire. I started praying about different areas of my life that could change and asking for willingness to make the decisions I needed. I got my spare bedroom cleaned and organized to the point that it was almost empty, except for my sewing stuff and the bed that was in it. My sister, Shawna, and I started restoring the bed that was in the spare room - I didn't know at the time that it was going to become MY bed! I really felt like to word the Lord had for me in this time was "restoration". I am still seeking more understanding of that, however I also feel like the Lord has brought a lot!
May 2008: The Blairs (the family I live with), asked me to move in with them sometime in the summer. Immediately a weight lifted from me and I felt like the Lord had created the window for both transition and restoration that He had been speaking to me. I started throwing stuff out that I didn't need, making plans for the things I wanted to take, and my heart was just ready to "let go" of all of the other stuff (furniture, clothing, dishes, etc.) that I had been carting around with me for the last many years. I started feeling freedom from things!
June 2008: As I was getting ready to move, I was very excited! I was even getting to help plan and decorate my new room while they were building it! But, every once in a while I just got overwhelmed with all of the things I was leaving. I started feeling a battle of the power of stuff! This month was also the time that one of my best friends decided she was going to move to California to go to school. I was very happy for her, knowing that it would be an amazing opportunity. I was sad for me! I didn't want her to leave! There was more transition happening than I was comfortable with, but I was reminded that the Lord had been preparing me.
July 2008: I packed up, I moved in, I slooooowly unpacked! Even with everything I gave away and threw away, I still had TOO much stuff to fit in one room! Transitioning was a lot harder than I expected! It had been a long time since I had lived with a roommate or family - and the relationship was very different! I was in this weird place of not knowing my place in the home. I didn't know what I was supposed to ask about vs. just doing. I didn't know if I was supposed to let them know where I was going to be or when I was going to be home. I didn't know what their expectations of me were in helping with their children. It was just hard. That was really the only word I had in my vocabulary for about 2-3 months that could define what it was like. It didn't mean it was bad - it just meant it wasn't easy and it wasn't comfortable! I was very grateful to be here, I just didn't really feel like I was "in" yet. In July, I also had my 3 year anniversary at work.
August 2008: I was still transitioning at home. I had a set-back with my RA and I started feeling very alone. Even though I have wonderful friends, many of which deal with illness or other very challenging life situations, none have RA. I started really feeling like none of them understand the fear, anxiety, or sadness that I experience when I think about this disease and what it has done and has the potential to do. I lost about 2 weeks of my life to being depressed and moping and then decided I needed to find a better outlet.
September 2008: As I said, I decided I needed to find a better outlet. I joined an online support resource. Later in the month, I started my blog. Sometimes it feels like I just started this a month ago and other times it feels like I have been blogging forever! I am very glad that I started it, though! I am excited to see where I go with it in the future! I also received a prophetic word in September that I am still praying about, but it has definitely had an impact on me.
October 2008: I started really feeling like I was a valued part of my small group. I started really looking forward to going and wanting to be prepared and ready to share and listen. I started feeling like it was a group of people that I had a stake in. This was also the month that my church had a really difficult event happen. For a while we were fearful that many people may leave because they were unhappy about something. With a lot of prayer, good leadership, and most importantly - God, we were able to get through it very well. I think our church got to experience healthy conflict and confrontation through humility, forgiveness, and grace! I think we are stronger, not weaker, after going through it!
November 2008: I started finally feeling settled in the house. My room started feeling like my space - and it was a peaceful space! I started feeling like I was learning my place and role in the house a little better. Thanksgiving was a little different for me this year. I usually go to the panhandle to be with my family, but this year I stayed here. My mother and one of my sister's and her husband were here too, so we did Thanksgiving together. It was very enjoyable!
December 2008: Everyone is preparing for Christmas. It seemed that everyone around me, including myself was more "on edge" than normal! This time of year really stresses me out! I think that for the most part we get so consumed with everything surrounding Christmas that we totally lose sight of what Christmas is supposed to be about. One thing that I did enjoy was celebrating Advent with the family I live with. On nights that we were all here, we would gather in the living room with all of the lights off. Each one of us had a candle burning. We would go around and each person got to choose a Christmas song to sing. We would start and end with a prayer and then everyone would blow out their candles. It was really neat to me! I have never done that. I think I have a new Christmas (Advent) tradition. I even did it when they were gone traveling. I would light their candles and then pray for each one of them before blowing that person's candle out. In December, additional progression of the RA was diagnosed - I was really disappointed! Christmas, itself was a great day with my family. It did not end great, however! I lost my temper and ended up being left to apologize and plea for mercy. It was probably my least gracious moment and started me into one of the most intense seasons of prayer that I think I have ever been in! It was amazing to me how quick God was to come when I cried out for Him! I still feel humbled when I think about it! Great is the love of the King of our souls!
January 2009: I brought in the New Year at the local House of Prayer. While I was there, I received prayer for healing from the physical pain I have been experiencing (specifically with my hands). The following Friday I received more prayer for healing from pain in my hands. I am ecstatic to say that healing has begun in my hands! I have had significantly less pain in my hands and a lot less inflammation! I promise it is not in my head - my jewelry will prove it! On New Years eve, while I was being prayed for, one of the girls had a vision of me laying on my bed and sleeping peacefully. The thought of sleeping peacefully was overwhelming to me, because I frequently wake many times in the night from my joints getting stiff or painful. I try not to take pain medications for sleeping, because they leave me feeling groggy and depressed the next day. That night, before I left a friend prayed again specifically for me to sleep well. That night I slept for 12 hours, uninterrupted, without any medication! I believe it is the power of the Spirit and healing that allowed that! I continue to feel a sense of transition and excitement. I have been in a very deep time of prayer and seeking God and I feel very blessed by it! I have great hope and expectation for the upcoming year!
There is a run-down of the last year. I wonder what all will happen this year?
I thought I would reflect on the last year - both the good and the bad and write out some of the things that happened.
January 2008: We had a couple of ice days in the city I live in and I couldn't get out of my neighborhood. My mother stayed at my place with me so I wouldn't have to be alone and bored. We played games and made a roast and drank lots of hot cocoa and hot tea. When we finally had to leave, we had to de-ice the cars. We don't live in a place that gets much snow or ice, so we don't really have to proper clothing or equipment. We laid out cardboard boxes to keep from sliding around too much and scraped the cars down. When we were finally done, our shoes were soaked through. We brought them inside and put them on the open oven door and let them cook dry while we played another game. It was a good memory!
February 2008: I had my 29th birthday with a really fun party! It was a girls-only party and no kids were there (except for a newborn baby who as of this week is living in Africa)! We had lasagna and an amazing salad that two of my friends made and a beautiful and yummy birthday cake. I had a wonderful time hanging out with the women that I love so much and that love me. One of the best parts is that my mother and both of my sisters got to come, too! I left that night feeling really blessed to have so many amazing women in my life!
March 2008: I started sensing transition, but wasn't sure what it would be. Things were pretty difficult financially and emotionally. I found out that I was having some kidney failure from the medication I was on for RA and had to change medication. Fortunately, my doctor caught this quickly and there was no permanent damage to my kidneys!
April 2008: Not only the sense of transition was on me, but the desire. I started praying about different areas of my life that could change and asking for willingness to make the decisions I needed. I got my spare bedroom cleaned and organized to the point that it was almost empty, except for my sewing stuff and the bed that was in it. My sister, Shawna, and I started restoring the bed that was in the spare room - I didn't know at the time that it was going to become MY bed! I really felt like to word the Lord had for me in this time was "restoration". I am still seeking more understanding of that, however I also feel like the Lord has brought a lot!
May 2008: The Blairs (the family I live with), asked me to move in with them sometime in the summer. Immediately a weight lifted from me and I felt like the Lord had created the window for both transition and restoration that He had been speaking to me. I started throwing stuff out that I didn't need, making plans for the things I wanted to take, and my heart was just ready to "let go" of all of the other stuff (furniture, clothing, dishes, etc.) that I had been carting around with me for the last many years. I started feeling freedom from things!
June 2008: As I was getting ready to move, I was very excited! I was even getting to help plan and decorate my new room while they were building it! But, every once in a while I just got overwhelmed with all of the things I was leaving. I started feeling a battle of the power of stuff! This month was also the time that one of my best friends decided she was going to move to California to go to school. I was very happy for her, knowing that it would be an amazing opportunity. I was sad for me! I didn't want her to leave! There was more transition happening than I was comfortable with, but I was reminded that the Lord had been preparing me.
July 2008: I packed up, I moved in, I slooooowly unpacked! Even with everything I gave away and threw away, I still had TOO much stuff to fit in one room! Transitioning was a lot harder than I expected! It had been a long time since I had lived with a roommate or family - and the relationship was very different! I was in this weird place of not knowing my place in the home. I didn't know what I was supposed to ask about vs. just doing. I didn't know if I was supposed to let them know where I was going to be or when I was going to be home. I didn't know what their expectations of me were in helping with their children. It was just hard. That was really the only word I had in my vocabulary for about 2-3 months that could define what it was like. It didn't mean it was bad - it just meant it wasn't easy and it wasn't comfortable! I was very grateful to be here, I just didn't really feel like I was "in" yet. In July, I also had my 3 year anniversary at work.
August 2008: I was still transitioning at home. I had a set-back with my RA and I started feeling very alone. Even though I have wonderful friends, many of which deal with illness or other very challenging life situations, none have RA. I started really feeling like none of them understand the fear, anxiety, or sadness that I experience when I think about this disease and what it has done and has the potential to do. I lost about 2 weeks of my life to being depressed and moping and then decided I needed to find a better outlet.
September 2008: As I said, I decided I needed to find a better outlet. I joined an online support resource. Later in the month, I started my blog. Sometimes it feels like I just started this a month ago and other times it feels like I have been blogging forever! I am very glad that I started it, though! I am excited to see where I go with it in the future! I also received a prophetic word in September that I am still praying about, but it has definitely had an impact on me.
October 2008: I started really feeling like I was a valued part of my small group. I started really looking forward to going and wanting to be prepared and ready to share and listen. I started feeling like it was a group of people that I had a stake in. This was also the month that my church had a really difficult event happen. For a while we were fearful that many people may leave because they were unhappy about something. With a lot of prayer, good leadership, and most importantly - God, we were able to get through it very well. I think our church got to experience healthy conflict and confrontation through humility, forgiveness, and grace! I think we are stronger, not weaker, after going through it!
November 2008: I started finally feeling settled in the house. My room started feeling like my space - and it was a peaceful space! I started feeling like I was learning my place and role in the house a little better. Thanksgiving was a little different for me this year. I usually go to the panhandle to be with my family, but this year I stayed here. My mother and one of my sister's and her husband were here too, so we did Thanksgiving together. It was very enjoyable!
December 2008: Everyone is preparing for Christmas. It seemed that everyone around me, including myself was more "on edge" than normal! This time of year really stresses me out! I think that for the most part we get so consumed with everything surrounding Christmas that we totally lose sight of what Christmas is supposed to be about. One thing that I did enjoy was celebrating Advent with the family I live with. On nights that we were all here, we would gather in the living room with all of the lights off. Each one of us had a candle burning. We would go around and each person got to choose a Christmas song to sing. We would start and end with a prayer and then everyone would blow out their candles. It was really neat to me! I have never done that. I think I have a new Christmas (Advent) tradition. I even did it when they were gone traveling. I would light their candles and then pray for each one of them before blowing that person's candle out. In December, additional progression of the RA was diagnosed - I was really disappointed! Christmas, itself was a great day with my family. It did not end great, however! I lost my temper and ended up being left to apologize and plea for mercy. It was probably my least gracious moment and started me into one of the most intense seasons of prayer that I think I have ever been in! It was amazing to me how quick God was to come when I cried out for Him! I still feel humbled when I think about it! Great is the love of the King of our souls!
January 2009: I brought in the New Year at the local House of Prayer. While I was there, I received prayer for healing from the physical pain I have been experiencing (specifically with my hands). The following Friday I received more prayer for healing from pain in my hands. I am ecstatic to say that healing has begun in my hands! I have had significantly less pain in my hands and a lot less inflammation! I promise it is not in my head - my jewelry will prove it! On New Years eve, while I was being prayed for, one of the girls had a vision of me laying on my bed and sleeping peacefully. The thought of sleeping peacefully was overwhelming to me, because I frequently wake many times in the night from my joints getting stiff or painful. I try not to take pain medications for sleeping, because they leave me feeling groggy and depressed the next day. That night, before I left a friend prayed again specifically for me to sleep well. That night I slept for 12 hours, uninterrupted, without any medication! I believe it is the power of the Spirit and healing that allowed that! I continue to feel a sense of transition and excitement. I have been in a very deep time of prayer and seeking God and I feel very blessed by it! I have great hope and expectation for the upcoming year!
There is a run-down of the last year. I wonder what all will happen this year?
Friday, January 9, 2009
Loss
I don't know that words even begin to describe the feeling. There is a piece of me that feels broken and emptied out. I feel as though everything around me that keeps going is a mockery to the emptiness inside of me. I trust in God, but that doesn't mean I understand everything that happens or am ok with it. Loss hurts and often seems unjustified. It feels very wrong!
Still I cry out, be still my soul. Rest in the hands of God, your maker. Know that He is sovereign. He is good. He is in control! He knows pain and loss more closely that I. He is close to the broken-hearted. He is near! Spirit, be my comfort! Draw me under your wing, great God! Blow your gentle breath upon me and give me what I need. You, God, are the lover of my soul. I rest in you!
I don't know that words even begin to describe the feeling. There is a piece of me that feels broken and emptied out. I feel as though everything around me that keeps going is a mockery to the emptiness inside of me. I trust in God, but that doesn't mean I understand everything that happens or am ok with it. Loss hurts and often seems unjustified. It feels very wrong!
Still I cry out, be still my soul. Rest in the hands of God, your maker. Know that He is sovereign. He is good. He is in control! He knows pain and loss more closely that I. He is close to the broken-hearted. He is near! Spirit, be my comfort! Draw me under your wing, great God! Blow your gentle breath upon me and give me what I need. You, God, are the lover of my soul. I rest in you!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Like A Rushing River
It seems the last couple of weeks have been filled with valleys and mountains, one right after the other. I am tired! I feel like one minute I am crying out and asking God "why" and the next I am shouting out and rejoicing. I feel very worn out and fatigued, but I also still feel like I am grieving and mourning even when I am happy about something unrelated. It has just been weird! Through all of it, I seem to have been drawn to one particular song, "Like A Rushing River" by Misty Edwards. It seems to say what I can not. So, I thought I would share it. It is very long (about 10 minutes playing) but well worth listening to, in my opinion. Below are the words and once I figure out how, I will attach my MP3. It may just take a little while to decipher blogger directions.
Like a Rushing River
Misty Edwards
Like a rushing river am I
Like a raging torrent inside
I find that I’m full of knowing nothing
I find that I’m hungry for the fullness of Christ
Like a rushing river am I
Like a raging torrent inside
I find that I’m free falling again
I’m letting go of the mountain view
Letting go but wanting to
(repeat)
I’ve been crucified with Christ
I’ve been crucified with Christ
I’ve been crucified with Christ
Yet not I, for one thing I know
You make all things beautiful
You make all things beautiful
You make all things beautiful
Just in time
And just in time
You make all things beautiful
You make all things beautiful
You make all things beautiful
Just in time
It’s just a matter of time, time
It’s just a matter of time
So into your hands, into your hands I fall
Into your hands, into your hands I fall
Into your hands, so into your hands I fall
For you will make all things beautiful
You make all things beautiful
You make all things beautiful
Just in time
It’s just a matter of time, time, time
It’s just a matter of time, time, time
On you I wait
On you I wait
On you I wait, all of my days!
On you I wait
On you I wait, always
On you I wait, all of my days!
All of my days!
No one who waits on you will ever be ashamed
No one who waits will ever be disappointed
It’s just a matter of time
It’s just a matter of time
It’s just a matter of time
So calm down my soul
Calm down and know
Calm down my soul
Calm down and know
His yoke is easy
His burden is light
Is simply cost everything
But He’s not too mysterious
It’s not for the wise in their own eyes
It’s not for the mighty or the rich
But He has saved himself for me
He has saved himself for me
So calm down my soul
Just calm down and know
Just calm down my soul
Calm down and know
No one who waits on the Lord will ever be ashamed
For wisdom will be justified
In just a matter of time, time, time
It’s just a matter of time, time, time
And you will make all things beautiful
You will make all things beautiful
You will make all things beautiful
Just in time
It’s just a matter of time
It’s just a matter of time
Calm down my soul
Be quiet within me
And put your trust in God
From where your help comes from
From where your help comes from
Just calm down my soul and wait
It’s just a matter of time
It’s just a matter of time
It seems the last couple of weeks have been filled with valleys and mountains, one right after the other. I am tired! I feel like one minute I am crying out and asking God "why" and the next I am shouting out and rejoicing. I feel very worn out and fatigued, but I also still feel like I am grieving and mourning even when I am happy about something unrelated. It has just been weird! Through all of it, I seem to have been drawn to one particular song, "Like A Rushing River" by Misty Edwards. It seems to say what I can not. So, I thought I would share it. It is very long (about 10 minutes playing) but well worth listening to, in my opinion. Below are the words and once I figure out how, I will attach my MP3. It may just take a little while to decipher blogger directions.
Like a Rushing River
Misty Edwards
Like a rushing river am I
Like a raging torrent inside
I find that I’m full of knowing nothing
I find that I’m hungry for the fullness of Christ
Like a rushing river am I
Like a raging torrent inside
I find that I’m free falling again
I’m letting go of the mountain view
Letting go but wanting to
(repeat)
I’ve been crucified with Christ
I’ve been crucified with Christ
I’ve been crucified with Christ
Yet not I, for one thing I know
You make all things beautiful
You make all things beautiful
You make all things beautiful
Just in time
And just in time
You make all things beautiful
You make all things beautiful
You make all things beautiful
Just in time
It’s just a matter of time, time
It’s just a matter of time
So into your hands, into your hands I fall
Into your hands, into your hands I fall
Into your hands, so into your hands I fall
For you will make all things beautiful
You make all things beautiful
You make all things beautiful
Just in time
It’s just a matter of time, time, time
It’s just a matter of time, time, time
On you I wait
On you I wait
On you I wait, all of my days!
On you I wait
On you I wait, always
On you I wait, all of my days!
All of my days!
No one who waits on you will ever be ashamed
No one who waits will ever be disappointed
It’s just a matter of time
It’s just a matter of time
It’s just a matter of time
So calm down my soul
Calm down and know
Calm down my soul
Calm down and know
His yoke is easy
His burden is light
Is simply cost everything
But He’s not too mysterious
It’s not for the wise in their own eyes
It’s not for the mighty or the rich
But He has saved himself for me
He has saved himself for me
So calm down my soul
Just calm down and know
Just calm down my soul
Calm down and know
No one who waits on the Lord will ever be ashamed
For wisdom will be justified
In just a matter of time, time, time
It’s just a matter of time, time, time
And you will make all things beautiful
You will make all things beautiful
You will make all things beautiful
Just in time
It’s just a matter of time
It’s just a matter of time
Calm down my soul
Be quiet within me
And put your trust in God
From where your help comes from
From where your help comes from
Just calm down my soul and wait
It’s just a matter of time
It’s just a matter of time
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)