Reflection

As I was driving to work this morning, I was listening to an account on 105.9 about how worship music has made an impact on one particular individual.  I started reflecting on all that has happened in the past year or so and how my hearts desire in the good and in the bad truly is to worship God.

This past year has probably been one of the hardest in my adult life so far.  There has been tremendous loss, heart break, health concerns, loneliness, and questions of my value in others' lives.  There has also recently been a heart-wrenching (but very heart-healing) adventure to encounter new freedoms from old pains.  But through it all, my go-to is worshiping at the feet of the Lord.

I have said it before - transparency is hard.  I try.  But really, I am terribly afraid of other people's opinions and possible rejection.  And so, I keep most things hidden away inside of my heart.  I don't think that it is the healthiest thing for a heart - and really it isn't the easiest - but it is a process that I am working through.  On my bathroom mirror I have written, "My value is not found in the opinions of other's, but in knowing who and whose I am."  I need to read this each day, to keep my heart focused on the truth.  So, because I think it will be good for my own soul, I am going to write about some of the challenges of my journey over the past year and a half.

Loneliness: I feel like there is a vital piece of me missing!  I am alone.  Most all of my friends have moved away from the Austin area over the past year.  I am not "attached" to any community.  My day consists of caring for wonderful children, but there is not really any adult camaraderie.  I have a church, but it is not a church home.  I go, I worship, I listen, I leave.  I have a couple of friends, but do not feel connected or know HOW to feel connected -- it isn't organic for me.  And as the days go on, my soul longs more and more for a help-mate.

Grief: As I mentioned, many friends have moved away and there has been a need to mourn the loss of having someone to be with me ... to get coffee, have a fun shopping day, cook a meal, or just hang out with.  I mostly do these things alone now, and it just isn't as much fun.  In addition to friends moving, my oldest sister -- my very best friend in this world -- also moved ... to Arizona.  I miss her so much!  Sure we talk, but I miss "Baby Sister Day", sister hugs, and lazy Sunday afternoon movies with her and her husband.  And from that list, I think it's the hugs that I miss the most.  To add to this sadness, in April (almost one year ago) my dear Grandfather (Mom's Dad) passed away and then less than six months later my Grandmother (Father's Mom) passed away.  She was my last living grandparent, and having her pass away made my heart feel so very empty.  And grief does not limit itself to the loss of relationships - I have also grieved health issues, childhood pain, and other "losses".

Health: My battle continues.  7 years ago I had debilitating migraines, severe pain, loss of ability to move properly, and a myriad of other "symptoms" that made no sense.  With many doctors looking at me like I was either insane, excessively needy, or just a hypochondriac; I continued to pursue "figuring out" what was "wrong" with me.  Finally, I said the right combination of things to the right doctor (who by the way had encouragingly and repeatedly told me that he would not give up on me) and a diagnosis came in the summer of 2007 -- Advanced Rheumatoid Arthritis with organ involvement (or what the Dr. refers to as Lupus Tendency).  I immediately went into a rigorous treatment plan involving some horrible medications.  Shortly after the diagnosis of RA, came the addition of Celiac Sprue Disease.  And shortly after that, my list of food allergies began to exponentially multiply.  Although this all occurred over a long period of time, my body has continued to attack itself to the point that last year the proverbial rug got pulled out from underneath me.  I do not have health insurance and because of that, once I got to a "maintenance" point in RA treatment, I stopped taking most all prescription medications.  There was an immense amount of provision from the Lord to get me to this point and I do not in any way want to discredit the miraculous thing that this was!  However, a little over a year ago I had an injury to my neck that led to a herniated disc. Treatment began for this, but I was in an overwhelming amount of pain - which led to additional flare-ups of RA, which led to additional joint damage and fatigue, which led to a further compromised immune system, which led to an additional need for medications... And so the saga goes!  I have been doing my very best to manage my health, but I feel extraordinarily limited.  I am in pain - both physical and emotional - and I am weary!

Finances:  Isn't it always the case that we could think of a thousand ways to spend just a little extra money?  I am always very reticent to mention finances because I want to be sensitive to my readers.  And even more-so, it is very important to me to have a grateful heart!  The challenge is that I also want to be able to be honest about where I need prayer, support, and a greater measure of faith!  This is it.  And very very honestly, health is the largest financial fight that I have!  I have been amazingly blessed several times this past year in the way of finances.  In part because of this, I don't stress about money nearly as much as I once did.  I have learned that somehow it usually works out.  :)  Having said that, I do still experience stress here.  There has not been a single month in the past year that I haven't needed financial support in some way.  I HATE IT!!!  I am a very independent person AND I really do want to be a self-supporting real-life grown up! Not to mention I feel like I am not able to prepare for the future because I am so financially caught in the moment.

So where does that bring me?  First of all, please do not read this and think that I have forgotten all of the good things this year has brought.  There has been much to rejoice over and thank the Lord for!  And that is where this started!  Through all of this pain and misery, I find myself lost in worship!  When my heart aches, I am before the Lord seeking comfort.  When I am overwhelmed with gratitude, I am in His presence declaring His might and faithfulness!

And through it all I can smile, laugh, rest, and declare that God is good...ALL THE TIME!

What a Whirlwind...

I got back into Austin on Thursday evening, after what has to this point in my life been the most stressful week I have experienced.  A lot of sweet and great things happened in it, but a lot of sadness, fear, and frustration also had to be encountered.

As you know, last week my beloved Paw Paw passed away.  I am still sorting through many emotions, but by far the greatest is that I just wasn't ready to lose him!  There have been two men in my life who I knew that I knew at all times I was just as precious to them as they were to me.  My Paw Paw was one of them.  My Uncle Jerry is the other.

I didn't grow up with a father who doted on his baby girl.  In fact, more often than not, I thought I was a burden who was annoying and in the way.  I didn't feel like I could do much "right" for him or that my efforts were ever recognized as the very best I had to offer.  Our relationship was always strained, and to this day it continues to be.

I mention this, because my Paw Paw was never like that.  As I said, I always knew that he loved me and wanted me.  Even when I was an awkward teenager and he just really didn't know what to do with me, I was still special and loved -- and I knew it!

I last saw my Paw Paw in December.  While my mother and I both had a break from work, we made the 11 hour drive to go see him.  When we left, I said goodbye, but certainly did not expect it to be goodbye!  A few weeks ago, he had an infection that caused him to go to the hospital.  I so wanted to put away everything I was doing and go see him.  But I didn't know or understand the urgency.  I was very busy with work and had a thousand and one "important" things on my plate.  But I didn't know that it would be my last chance to touch my Paw Paw, or hear his sweet voice.  I didn't go.  And I wish I had, because I never got to really say goodbye to him.

My sister, Marcie, and I drove up together for the funeral on Sunday.  She has two babies, 7 month-old Amanda and 24 month-old Emily.  The trip didn't take us the 11 hours I previously mentioned...no, it took us 18 hours!  Yes, you read that right!  The girls did AMAZINGLY well for the first 14 hours.  It was pretty hairy after that!  In the final 1 1/2 hour stretch, I was driving and my sister and the girls were sound asleep.  My sister was so exhausted that she didn't even notice we drove through a thunder storm with hail.  She was sitting in the back of the minivan to be close to the kiddos.  I kept looking back, expecting her to wake in a panic. She never did.  It wasn't until we hit Amarillo and slowed to exit the interstate that she actually woke.  We got lost on the way to the hotel and my cousin had to come meet us to get us to the right place.  We unloaded, did laundry, and made it into bed somewhere around 4:30 am (a full 24 hours since we had last risen out of bed).

On Monday, we woke early and got ready.  While both of my sisters and I were together, we made the trip out to go see my father, his sister, and her husband.  I really wanted to see my aunt and uncle, but honestly I wasn't sure I wanted to see my father.  I didn't know what to expect, and I wasn't sure that I was ready for what may greet me.  It had  been 2 years since Shawna saw him, 8 since Marcie had, and 5 since I had.  He of course had not met his grand-daughters, and it was important to Marcie that he get the chance while we were so close.  We met him and our uncle at a restaurant, ate lunch, and then went to see my aunt who was not feeling well enough to come to lunch.  This experience will have to fill up another blog post.  But in short, the meeting went well.  But I was definitely very stressed by it!  We wrapped up our visit there and headed back to Amarillo to get ready for the viewing.  We were late to the viewing, so I didn't have the chance to go actually see my Paw Paw and say good-bye without masses of people around.  At one point the sanctuary emptied enough that no one was standing next to him having a conversation of any sort and I walked up to his casket.  He didn't look like himself!  He was pale, thin, and so very still.  Even seeing that it was in fact time to say goodbye, I couldn't.  I just wasn't ready!  

In one day, I went to see the man who never valued me for who I am - living his life without me being a part of it.  And I saw a man who treasured me as a valuable that could never be replaced - still and laying in a casket.  It doesn't seem fair!

That night, my sister Marcie and I were both beyond the point of exhaustion and stress-able-ness.  We had an argument and the only thing I could do was just walk away.  I did not have the resolve to push through the argument to the solution.  I just couldn't.  I was saddened by our interaction and feared that because of the rocky road we have always traveled, there was no hope that we would ever get past it and walk on a smooth and straight road with each other. When I came back to the room, Marcie had gotten in bed and I followed suit.

Early Tuesday, my aunt got admitted to the ICU.  We weren't sure if Uncle Jerry would make it to the funeral, but he did.  That morning, we all worked together as a family (Shawna, Carl, Marcie, Mom, Me) to get Emily and Amanda ready, so Marcie could get everything gathered that would be needed for the day.  We did well!  We got out of the hotel and made it to the funeral on-time!  Emmie sat between me and Car-Car (Uncle Carl) all through the service and she did great -- she knows "church" and so we told her we were at church and she needed to stay quiet.  I was so proud of how well she did.  I was paying attention, but felt a little numb; almost as if I couldn't process what was actually happening.  At the very end, when they carried the closed casket out to the hurse, a piece of me just wanted to run up and stop them to say, "You can't take him away yet!  I'm still not ready!" Don't worry, I didn't.  We proceeded to the grave sight, where he was buried right between my grandmother and my cousin Marlena who passed away my junior year in college.  Somehow, the fact that his body would rest right there - between two other people in his life that loved and adored him just as much as I did - it seemed ok.  Everything that happened after that is a bit of a blur.

One thing about that day that stands out to me as a wonderful and amazing thing was a conversation that Marcie and I had Tuesday afternoon.  We talked through our argument from the previous night and how it related to so many other arguments that we had.  It was a good conversation - and Emily and Amanda slept through most of it, so we actually got to pay attention to each other without distraction!  In this conversation, hope was restored that Marcie and I really can have more in our relationship.  We both expressed our desire, prayers, and hopes for so much more -- and I think that the fact that we both want it so much will keep our relationship improving!

On Wednesday, we drove back as far as Abilene. We decided that staying there and having a change to play a little and get a good nights sleep would really help out with the rest of the drive.  We still only got 5 hours of sleep, but that was between 2 and 4 hours more than we had for the previous 4 days!

We finished the drive on Thursday.  It was a good drive!  We talked some more about things that were important to both of us.  And for me, one of the best parts was that Marcie was asking me about MY life.  She genuinely wanted to know about my work, theories on education, and my own personal experiences that have led me in the direction of who I am today.  It was as if 30 years of walls had begun crumbling and falling down!  

After dropping Marcie and the girls off in Fredericksburg, I gathered my things and headed back to Austin.  I had work things that needed to be addressed, a doctors appointment for my neck, and my small group meeting.  I pushed through (and enjoyed) these things and then came home and CRASHED!!!!  Friday I didn't have to be anywhere, and it was a good thing.  My body was so exhausted that I pretty much just laid around all day.  A friend of mine scheduled to have two housekeepers come clean my house on Friday afternoon, and it was the biggest blessing!  I have a work party at my house tonight and having someone else come in to clean and help me get my house together was HUGE!!

I think this is probably the longest thing I have ever posted.  In reality it is probably at least three different posts, but I just needed to spill it all out.  If you have actually stuck through reading this whole thing, bless you!  I am impressed!

Changing Seasons

Have you ever stopped and asked God the question, "What would you like for my life to look like?"

I have been asking this question lately. I am pretty sure that I don't get it all, but I believe that God is so faithful to be answering me in ways I understand!

I am so excited about the things that are happening in my life right now! There is another new season! You know the feeling of the summer heat winding down and seeing the trees slowly change from bright greens to amber and rust? That is kind-of what I am feeling in my heart right now. The seasons are changing. They haven't completely turned yet, but the air is a little cooler, the colors aren't quite as intense, and the hope of the things coming is present!

I LOVE IT!

Checking In

So I apparently only write on my blog about once a month now a days. So here is the catch up.

For the last year and a half I have been feeling like I was supposed to leave my job. I felt very strongly that the Lord was asking me to surrender my hold that I had. The more I meditated on this and asked God "why" the more understanding I had that it is because I place my trust and security in the provision of my job more than that of the Lord. So after much prayer and a fair amount of tears, I submitted my resignation and left on January 19. This was a HUGE step of faith for me! It took a lot of courage, but even more than that it took me trusting that God is my provider. I left without another job lined up and not really knowing what I want to do. I felt as though I was in a store and I could take anything off the shelf and it would be ok. But what???

I had thoughts of going back to nannying. I did this for years before I became a Cancer Information Specialist for the American Cancer Society. I love it! In fact, I feel like there is a piece of my God-destined purpose in caring for young children and families!

I contemplated getting certified as a doula. This is something that is right in line with my desires! I think of the opportunities I would have to love, care for, and support families as they prepare for the entrance and first weeks or months of their new child's life! Wow! I could sow some amazing blessings on families through that!

I dreamed of starting a Allergy Aware, Gluten-Free restaurant and coffee shop in the area where I live. After all, even as people become more aware of food allergies and health issues such as Celiac Disease, it can still be very difficult to eat out and get just what you want away from home. Oh to go to a place where I could order something more than a basic salad. I want to go where I can order a sandwich and KNOW that the bread is gluten-free and dairy free, that the meat doesn't have added preservatives, and that the dressings where made from as natural as it gets ingredients and everything is clearly labeled to let me know what potential allergens may be present! I still want to do this -- it just takes a lot more than I have right now!

I also thought of going back to school! School is always a good option in times of income deprivation and searching for that thing that you want to be when you grow up. Right? So, if I went back to school, what would I do? That's an easy one to answer! I would go to nursing school -- or at least to school to get the prereqs done while I apply and wait to get accepting into nursing school! What would I want to do with a nursing degree??? I would want to take care of babies! Oh yes, we are back to the babies! I can see myself years down the line as a CNM (Certified Nurse Midwife) delivering babies using natural childbirth methods or as a NNP (Neonatal Nurse Practitioner) caring for frail infants.

I promise I don't just have a bad case of the baby blues! I have always felt like the destiny that the Lord has for me has to do with babies and young children! When I was younger I couldn't wait to start babysitting! I would go around the neighborhood and befriend all of the families with small children and ask if there were ways I could help out. I was too young for most parents to want to leave their children alone with me to care for, but I didn't mind just hanging around and folding clothes, feeding a baby, changing diapers, sterilizing bottles -- whatever I noticed that needed to be done. I loved babysitting and dreaming of the day that I would have my own children to love on and care for. Twenty years has passed, but not too much has changed. Most of my friends have families of their own now - some of them I knew long before family came along and some I befriended because I was drawn to them during pregnancy or shortly after having their child(ren). I look around their houses when I am over and do little things that will bless them and maybe make their day a hint easier. I will love on their children, do some laundry, wash dishes, put away toys, etc. I still love babysitting (and yes, dreaming of the day that I will have my own children to love on and care for). But, the point here is that I can see beyond the wanting of my own children now. I can see that somehow caring for all of the hundreds of babies I have held and kissed isn't just about practicing to become a Mom. It is about sowing the blessings and love of the Father, God, into those He created and destined for great things!

So what am I actually doing with my time right now? Doing a lot of babysitting, a lot of praying, and a lot of trusting. It isn't easy! I have decided to hold off on starting a restaurant (smiles and winks) for a little while at least. I also decided that while still paying off the loans I took out for undergrad many moons ago I am not going to enter into greater debt of going back to school. Unless the Lord spoke to me from a blazing lightening bolt (or something just as obvious) I just don't think that it would honor Him in the way I would want it to right now. The doula training is still on the table! I would love to do it NOW - the biggest thing stopping me is affording the training and knowing what I would do to earn income while doing it and going through the apprenticing.

I have had some wonderful opportunities to love on (and get loved on by) some little friends over the last few weeks, though! Oh how I love it! There is just something so magnificent and special about being with our innocent ones who have so recently been in the creating hands of our amazing Maker! In a world that is so broken, there isn't anything that is quite so right!

A Different Me

I want to be a different me. I don't really like the me that I am right now! It isn't that I am a bad me - or that there are a whole lot of things about me that are horrible. OK - there are plenty of things I would like to change. Hence wanting to be a different me! But I really just don't feel like the me that I am used to...and really enjoy being!

I want to be more artsy. Instead of dabbling here and there in the arts, I want to be proficient...at about 10 different mediums!

I want to be more confident. I don't want to let all of the crazy imperfections of my day drive me so batty! So what if my hair won't stay styled for more than 10 minutes after I have fixed it? It still looks fine. And does anyone else really care that I am wearing a shirt that I have owned for 5 years? It isn't stained, torn, or faded...it's ok.

I want to not have RA...or migraines! Therefore, also having more money! Not that money matters too much to me, but I would at least like to have enough that I know it is ok for me to sign a lease without fear that I am going to leave my roommates in a lurch! Plus, not being in pain all the time would be so amazing! I think that is one of the things about Heaven that I look forward to the most!

I want to do work that makes me happy, makes a difference, is fun, is meaningful, and doesn't involve getting yelled at, cussed at, or always having to put "band-aids" on gaping wounds. I want to be able to talk about Jesus, pray, and share real things in real ways. I don't want the success of my day, week, or month to measured in metrics like how quickly I can close the door on the last person I talked to or how glued to my chair & phone I am.

I want freedom! I feel like such a caged bird these days! I feel like everything inside of me wants to explode out in an uncontrollable gush - like the molten-hot lava pouring from an active Mount St. Helens. What I feel like is really happening is that I am just dieing though. I can't explode, so all of the passion and energy and joy that makes me who I am is going to just fizzle out and die until there is nothing left but silent apathy! Then what?

Life isn't worth much without passion! Without the swell of the ocean's wave, there would be no tide. Without the climax in a good book, there would be no resolution. Without a growing tension in a beautiful symphony, there would be no tears! We need passion to live; to enjoy life!

I want to be a different me, because the me that exists right now has lost my fire! I have lost the things that make me want to get up and chase the day! I have lost the desire to push back when I don't like the way things are! I have lost something...something that is crucial to who I am. But how to get it back, I haven't figured out!

BELOA

OK. So I think I might be sort-of back from my BELOA (Blogger's Extended Leave of Absence).

I have been in a bit of a funk over the last couple of months and just needed to let some things go for a bit. I stopped writing on my blog and gave myself a reprieve from making my bed one day a week. Then, I took my car through a car wash - the kind where you actually get out so they can vacuum the inside for you before running it through the sprayer thingy and then the guys dry the car for you. I also got a pedicure. All of this in the last month-and-a-half. It was nice to let go of a few things and treat myself to a couple of others. I needed it.

However, the funk is not gone. Life just isn't what I want it to be - or what I planned and I think I am having a hard time figuring out how to move forward with joy and confidence. I am still a long-term guest in a home that is not my own. I don't have my cats. I still have no clue what I want to be doing or am supposed to be doing for "life-work". Then there are all of the other things of life - health, finances, relationships... I am so restless where I am, yet I completely lack the energy or courage to make any changes right now! Please don't take these all for complaints! That is part of the reason for my BELOA! I needed to take some time to try to re-focus on the things that really are important to me and somehow find them - or find me in them. I'm not there. I am around, though.

High-Lows

My small group has gotten into the *sort-of* habit of doing high-lows when we get together. We share with each other our "highs" of the week and the "lows" of the week. The last family that I lived with did high-lows most every night at dinner. I like this. I think it really does help us learn to love each other better - rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. (Thank you Mike Watson for the great series of relational growth teaching!)

So, today I want to share my high-lows. I always like to start with my lows, so I can end talking about the things that make me happy. So, here are my lows of the day:

1) I never got my coffee - when I was able to make it to the break room, it was all gone. I made a new pot and by the time I made it back to get some coffee, that pot was all gone. No coffee for the coffee fiend today!

2) I had to explain to at least 10 people today that no, I am not going to school and yes, I am staying in Austin and continuing to work at ACS. I am VERY thankful to have my job and to have roots where I am at, so that is not a complaint. It is just still hard. I think I am in a new phase of grieving this and it is just hard to not be where I want to be!

3) I got a call from a good friend today who had a doctor's appointment. It didn't seem to go poorly, but also didn't seem to go well. The doctor ran some additional labs and told her she will have to wait for the results before knowing more. From what she had to say, it doesn't sound like he did a good job of telling her what he was looking for/ruling out or if she should be concerned. I think most people's default is that when the doc only gives you a penny's worth of insight it leaves a lot of room for questions, doubt, fear, etc. I'm a little perturbed that he didn't take better care of her and arm her better to know what to do in the mean-time while she waits. Plus, she is supposed to be leaving to go to school across the country and he didn't tell her if it was advisable to stay or safe to go -- seems like he just left the ball completely in her court. Don't doctors understand that we look to them (rightly or not - absolutely NO judgement here) for wisdom and guidance? Yes, we have to be our greatest health care advocate, but if you don't know what questions to ask the doctor, he should be kind enough to help guide you through the muddy waters. Sorry - this could very easily become a rant...in fact, maybe it has! I'll stop it here.

Here are my highs. I am so gonna rock the highs out of the water tonight!

1) Jenn is having her baby. Like right now! PUSH!! Welcome to the world little Emily Loraine! I can't wait to see you tomorrow. I couldn't wait for you any longer tonight, I had to come home. But I am so looking forward to meeting you face-to-face tomorrow and seeing this beautiful doll that I have been praying for, for the last nine months! Do you have any clue how loved you are? Any clue how many people are waiting to hold you and kiss you and cradle you and teach you about life? Oh, this world isn't that frightening when you have people who want to embrace you - and you have LOTS!

2) As if No. 1 isn't enough... I talked to an amazing, and hilarious woman today at work. She insisted that I am the only "case manager" she wants to talk to from now on. When she calls back if it isn't me and the Cancer Information Specialist who answers can't transfer her (which we can't), she will hang up and call back until she gets me. Does she realize I am one of about 250 Specialists in our National call center that is open 24/7 (of which I am there 30 hours a week)? I tried to explain, but to no avail. She insisted that when she wants something, she gets it. You know, I believe her! In her thick, New York, elder Jewish woman accent she closes the call by saying, "Oh Baby, you have just been the sunshine in my rainy day! You're such a Doll! May God bless you all the days of your life. No really, I mean that; all the days you live! You have given me hope today and that is more than anyone has offered in a while. God love you." It made me laugh and smile and gave me warm-fuzzies all over!

3) When I got to work this morning and checked my schedule, I saw that I have tomorrow off! Wow! I had requested the day off like 4 months ago and had forgotten about it. Since I didn't change my schedule after getting re-hired back to work, they never cancelled this time. I thought about giving it back. But given that it is now 10:30 at night, Emily is joining the world and I want to hang out with her and Jenn & David a little tomorrow, and that well...they're paying me to sleep in, I figured I would go ahead and take the time off! It is probably really good for me. Plus, the couple I'm staying with is getting back from vacation tomorrow. This will give me a chance to do a once-over on the house and make sure everything looks nice for them when they get home.

Yay for high-lows! It's good to practice sharing what's going on in life. It isn't always easy, but it is good. What are your high-lows for the day/week? Please share them with me. I really do want to know!

The Plans Seem to be Changing

Without saying too much - primarily because I do not feel like I have a lot in me to say - the plans are changing. I will probably write some things to post later, but don't feel as though I can really put my thoughts and feelings together into coherent words at the moment. I am not going to Bethel, however.

I am terribly sad! Even more than I am sad, I am very confused! I know that time (and a lot of prayer and rest before the Lord) will offer consolation and answers. For right now, I just feel a bit lost - and as if I have lost something!

As I'm sure you know, this came as a great surprise! It was not what I expected. I do still declare that the Lord, God, has ordered my steps! He will not lead me into harm and will not lead me away from His goodness! This whole process has been greatly bathed in prayer by myself and many trusted friends. We have been praying for a FULL provision of the Lord in this! I trust that even if it is not what I expected, this door closing at this time is mercy and provision by God!

Please be praying for me to have a great understanding, comfort, and peace. Please also pray that I pick myself up well and continue stronger, braver, wiser, and more committed to the Lord than I was before! May His glory be shown in this! Thank you!

I Need Some Good News!

I'm feeling a bit discouraged today. I need some good news!

I look to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth! He will not let my foot slip. He watches over me and does not slumber! He watches over Israel and neither slumbers or sleeps! The Lord watches over me; He is my shade at my right hand. The sun will not hurt me by day nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep me from all harm! He will watch over my life! The Lord watches my comings and goings all of my days. Psalm 121

Collision

I am ready for a collision; for a collision of the will of man and the will of heaven! I am ready for the Spirit of God to move so freely among mere men, that nothing stands in the way! I am ready for the glory of God to rise up and men to fall to their faces to worship the King who is worthy! I am ready for the dead to live and the sick to be well! I am ready!

I am tired of contending for things to happen that I already know to be the true desire of the only One who can make them happen! I am tired of waiting! It isn't because I don't think these things are worth waiting for - Oh no! Just the contrary! I believe the glory to God is all the greater the more impossible the feat. But in the waiting is so much anguish - and that is where I get lost! I don't want to get lost or caught up in myself! I just want to stay at the feet of my love and wait - with peace - for what I know He has promised will come!

Some may think I am crazy for even waiting - I am not! I know that the will of man and the will of God collide - and when it happens, there is beautiful rejoicing in both heaven and earth! I think about my friends Allison and Amy, who have both struggled for years to get pregnant with many difficulties. Yesterday, I was holding baby Willow (Allison's daughter) and praying for her while I was staring at Amy's ever expanding belly. I had to walk away for a moment because I was tearing up in gratefulness because both of these women are proof that healing and miracles happen! Yet while I rejoice in the collision that occurred for these dear friends, I long and wait expectantly for similar miracles for other friends!

I have several friends that wait to have babies, one of my best friends mother's is fading away as her body is tormented by cancer, I have a friend whose back is injured and we contend for his healing, several friends with various auto-immune diseases that are being affected by immune systems that are fighting healthy body tissues, and of course for my own healing. Everywhere I look, I see the proof and effects of living in a fallen world! I will not quit fighting or quit believing that the good of God can and will triumph! I am just so ready for the will of God and my own to collide!

I don't need God to work miracles to trust in His goodness or to know that He can do it! I want to see it happen because I believe in the depths of my being that He desires it to be that way! He desires that the captives be set free, that the sick are healed, that the lame walk, that the blind see, and that the deaf hear! And in it all, I desire that glory be given to the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the One True God!

God, I Need More

More grace, more peace, more patience! I need it all, and much much more! I don't know how much longer I can go like this! I feel like I am suffocating in the stress of things to do, expenses to find money for, and relationships to maintain. This doesn't even begin to keep in check trying to focus on work, make time for rest, and somehow try to spend quality time (not the leftovers of my day) with my Creator. My head feels like it is going to explode off of my shoulders all day long, my heart aches as if it is going to pound out of my chest, the night of rest is interrupted time and again by worries or pains or memories of things that didn't get done or need to get done. My skin is itchy and breaking out. All someone had to do is look at me with a slightly questionable "tone"...or even just smile and I all but burst into tears. I think I have come to the end of myself! I can not hold on any longer!

God, I need more of you! I am nothing without you. This I know. But do I really believe it? My actions and response to the lack of control I am living in right now would somehow seem to say I don't. God, would you please take what little faith I have and somehow - in a way that only you can - will you please move mountains with it? I just need more of You God! Holy Spirit, pour your balm of comfort and peace over me. Father, speak Your wisdom over me! Help me know what to do. Help me God, to hear you over the torrents of accusation, condemnation, and rejection. Jesus, my precious and mighty Jesus! I need you! I need you more today than I ever have! Please come and rescue me from the lies that so easily entangle me. Let me hear your acceptance and see the love in your eyes and forget all of my own concerns. God, I need more...more of you!

Where did the year go?

I thought I would reflect on the last year - both the good and the bad and write out some of the things that happened.

January 2008: We had a couple of ice days in the city I live in and I couldn't get out of my neighborhood. My mother stayed at my place with me so I wouldn't have to be alone and bored. We played games and made a roast and drank lots of hot cocoa and hot tea. When we finally had to leave, we had to de-ice the cars. We don't live in a place that gets much snow or ice, so we don't really have to proper clothing or equipment. We laid out cardboard boxes to keep from sliding around too much and scraped the cars down. When we were finally done, our shoes were soaked through. We brought them inside and put them on the open oven door and let them cook dry while we played another game. It was a good memory!

February 2008: I had my 29th birthday with a really fun party! It was a girls-only party and no kids were there (except for a newborn baby who as of this week is living in Africa)! We had lasagna and an amazing salad that two of my friends made and a beautiful and yummy birthday cake. I had a wonderful time hanging out with the women that I love so much and that love me. One of the best parts is that my mother and both of my sisters got to come, too! I left that night feeling really blessed to have so many amazing women in my life!

March 2008: I started sensing transition, but wasn't sure what it would be. Things were pretty difficult financially and emotionally. I found out that I was having some kidney failure from the medication I was on for RA and had to change medication. Fortunately, my doctor caught this quickly and there was no permanent damage to my kidneys!

April 2008: Not only the sense of transition was on me, but the desire. I started praying about different areas of my life that could change and asking for willingness to make the decisions I needed. I got my spare bedroom cleaned and organized to the point that it was almost empty, except for my sewing stuff and the bed that was in it. My sister, Shawna, and I started restoring the bed that was in the spare room - I didn't know at the time that it was going to become MY bed! I really felt like to word the Lord had for me in this time was "restoration". I am still seeking more understanding of that, however I also feel like the Lord has brought a lot!

May 2008: The Blairs (the family I live with), asked me to move in with them sometime in the summer. Immediately a weight lifted from me and I felt like the Lord had created the window for both transition and restoration that He had been speaking to me. I started throwing stuff out that I didn't need, making plans for the things I wanted to take, and my heart was just ready to "let go" of all of the other stuff (furniture, clothing, dishes, etc.) that I had been carting around with me for the last many years. I started feeling freedom from things!

June 2008: As I was getting ready to move, I was very excited! I was even getting to help plan and decorate my new room while they were building it! But, every once in a while I just got overwhelmed with all of the things I was leaving. I started feeling a battle of the power of stuff! This month was also the time that one of my best friends decided she was going to move to California to go to school. I was very happy for her, knowing that it would be an amazing opportunity. I was sad for me! I didn't want her to leave! There was more transition happening than I was comfortable with, but I was reminded that the Lord had been preparing me.

July 2008: I packed up, I moved in, I slooooowly unpacked! Even with everything I gave away and threw away, I still had TOO much stuff to fit in one room! Transitioning was a lot harder than I expected! It had been a long time since I had lived with a roommate or family - and the relationship was very different! I was in this weird place of not knowing my place in the home. I didn't know what I was supposed to ask about vs. just doing. I didn't know if I was supposed to let them know where I was going to be or when I was going to be home. I didn't know what their expectations of me were in helping with their children. It was just hard. That was really the only word I had in my vocabulary for about 2-3 months that could define what it was like. It didn't mean it was bad - it just meant it wasn't easy and it wasn't comfortable! I was very grateful to be here, I just didn't really feel like I was "in" yet. In July, I also had my 3 year anniversary at work.

August 2008: I was still transitioning at home. I had a set-back with my RA and I started feeling very alone. Even though I have wonderful friends, many of which deal with illness or other very challenging life situations, none have RA. I started really feeling like none of them understand the fear, anxiety, or sadness that I experience when I think about this disease and what it has done and has the potential to do. I lost about 2 weeks of my life to being depressed and moping and then decided I needed to find a better outlet.

September 2008: As I said, I decided I needed to find a better outlet. I joined an online support resource. Later in the month, I started my blog. Sometimes it feels like I just started this a month ago and other times it feels like I have been blogging forever! I am very glad that I started it, though! I am excited to see where I go with it in the future! I also received a prophetic word in September that I am still praying about, but it has definitely had an impact on me.

October 2008: I started really feeling like I was a valued part of my small group. I started really looking forward to going and wanting to be prepared and ready to share and listen. I started feeling like it was a group of people that I had a stake in. This was also the month that my church had a really difficult event happen. For a while we were fearful that many people may leave because they were unhappy about something. With a lot of prayer, good leadership, and most importantly - God, we were able to get through it very well. I think our church got to experience healthy conflict and confrontation through humility, forgiveness, and grace! I think we are stronger, not weaker, after going through it!

November 2008: I started finally feeling settled in the house. My room started feeling like my space - and it was a peaceful space! I started feeling like I was learning my place and role in the house a little better. Thanksgiving was a little different for me this year. I usually go to the panhandle to be with my family, but this year I stayed here. My mother and one of my sister's and her husband were here too, so we did Thanksgiving together. It was very enjoyable!

December 2008: Everyone is preparing for Christmas. It seemed that everyone around me, including myself was more "on edge" than normal! This time of year really stresses me out! I think that for the most part we get so consumed with everything surrounding Christmas that we totally lose sight of what Christmas is supposed to be about. One thing that I did enjoy was celebrating Advent with the family I live with. On nights that we were all here, we would gather in the living room with all of the lights off. Each one of us had a candle burning. We would go around and each person got to choose a Christmas song to sing. We would start and end with a prayer and then everyone would blow out their candles. It was really neat to me! I have never done that. I think I have a new Christmas (Advent) tradition. I even did it when they were gone traveling. I would light their candles and then pray for each one of them before blowing that person's candle out. In December, additional progression of the RA was diagnosed - I was really disappointed! Christmas, itself was a great day with my family. It did not end great, however! I lost my temper and ended up being left to apologize and plea for mercy. It was probably my least gracious moment and started me into one of the most intense seasons of prayer that I think I have ever been in! It was amazing to me how quick God was to come when I cried out for Him! I still feel humbled when I think about it! Great is the love of the King of our souls!

January 2009: I brought in the New Year at the local House of Prayer. While I was there, I received prayer for healing from the physical pain I have been experiencing (specifically with my hands). The following Friday I received more prayer for healing from pain in my hands. I am ecstatic to say that healing has begun in my hands! I have had significantly less pain in my hands and a lot less inflammation! I promise it is not in my head - my jewelry will prove it! On New Years eve, while I was being prayed for, one of the girls had a vision of me laying on my bed and sleeping peacefully. The thought of sleeping peacefully was overwhelming to me, because I frequently wake many times in the night from my joints getting stiff or painful. I try not to take pain medications for sleeping, because they leave me feeling groggy and depressed the next day. That night, before I left a friend prayed again specifically for me to sleep well. That night I slept for 12 hours, uninterrupted, without any medication! I believe it is the power of the Spirit and healing that allowed that! I continue to feel a sense of transition and excitement. I have been in a very deep time of prayer and seeking God and I feel very blessed by it! I have great hope and expectation for the upcoming year!

There is a run-down of the last year. I wonder what all will happen this year?

Writer's Block or Heart Block?


I have had a little bit of writer's block lately. I am not quite sure that is the right phrase. Maybe it is more like heart block. I have had a lot of things to say, they just don't quite come out in full. They start, but then there is this welling pang inside of me and whatever started quickly ceases it's existence.

Don't bother asking the question "why" because the answer is going to be some vague response that boils down to "I just don't know." There has been a lot of joy and a lot of sorrow and a lot of looking backward and forward going on in the last week or so. I think it has just left a puddle of muddle! Here are a few of the things that have been stirring in my heart.

I have been adjusting to this new phase of RA. I haven't been feeling well. I have had more pain and have not been sleeping well. I think part of it may be progression of the disease (which is not a surprise) and part of it may just be related to weather changes - getting cooler, rain, etc. Whatever it is, I don't think I have been coping as well as I would like to. I praise God and pray and ask Him to teach me to pray, but still I am just not satisfied. I am not sure that is a bad thing, though.

I have also been working on putting together my testimony, which has caused me to look back at a lot of places that I have been - which have at times been pretty messy. The flip side of that is the amazing mercy with which God has taken me from and brought me to. That in and of itself has the power to leave me overcome with emotion; so overcome in fact that I don't even know how to express it!

There is also the issue with my church body that I brought up a couple of weeks ago. There is still pain and still brokenness. There is recovery in process, too! Some people have chosen to leave. Some people have chosen to stay, but have shown sides of themselves that will be very hard to forget - even as forgiveness occurs. I guess that is part of "family" life - at some point you are going to see things that leave a bitter taste in your mouth, but you are still family and you just have to work through it! I still believe that God is doing something amazing for His Kingdom in the city I live in through this church and this is a time of preparation and strengthening for the fires that are to come. It brings comfort to trust that God's hand is over this - it doesn't make it any less painful. As I said, we are in recovery. We have had some amazing progress in the last couple of weeks, but time will be needed. I really think that we are and will be stronger because of adversity - but only if we remember to keep our eyes on Christ!

Then, on the amazingly joy-filled; nothing can get me down side of things there is this. I have a friend who has an amazing life-story. She has gone through a lot of trial; primarily related to an illness. She has chosen to put it in the hands of God. She gives Him the glory through everything - the good and the bad. Her story is one that has a lot of pain and grief. After much waiting and pleading before the throne of God, she is finally getting a baby! This is a baby that she has longed for and finally she is getting her! I couldn't be happier for her! I want to laugh and dance and cry and praise God with everything that is in me! I am just so overwhelmed by the faithfulness and love of God! And, I am so happy that my friend is finally getting what she has longed for. It just feels so right!

I think I am going to leave it there for now. That seems like a good place to stop. I may come back and write more later, but for now this is enough.