As I was driving to work this morning, I was listening to an account on 105.9 about how worship music has made an impact on one particular individual. I started reflecting on all that has happened in the past year or so and how my hearts desire in the good and in the bad truly is to worship God.
This past year has probably been one of the hardest in my adult life so far. There has been tremendous loss, heart break, health concerns, loneliness, and questions of my value in others' lives. There has also recently been a heart-wrenching (but very heart-healing) adventure to encounter new freedoms from old pains. But through it all, my go-to is worshiping at the feet of the Lord.
I have said it before - transparency is hard. I try. But really, I am terribly afraid of other people's opinions and possible rejection. And so, I keep most things hidden away inside of my heart. I don't think that it is the healthiest thing for a heart - and really it isn't the easiest - but it is a process that I am working through. On my bathroom mirror I have written, "My value is not found in the opinions of other's, but in knowing who and whose I am." I need to read this each day, to keep my heart focused on the truth. So, because I think it will be good for my own soul, I am going to write about some of the challenges of my journey over the past year and a half.
Loneliness: I feel like there is a vital piece of me missing! I am alone. Most all of my friends have moved away from the Austin area over the past year. I am not "attached" to any community. My day consists of caring for wonderful children, but there is not really any adult camaraderie. I have a church, but it is not a church home. I go, I worship, I listen, I leave. I have a couple of friends, but do not feel connected or know HOW to feel connected -- it isn't organic for me. And as the days go on, my soul longs more and more for a help-mate.
Grief: As I mentioned, many friends have moved away and there has been a need to mourn the loss of having someone to be with me ... to get coffee, have a fun shopping day, cook a meal, or just hang out with. I mostly do these things alone now, and it just isn't as much fun. In addition to friends moving, my oldest sister -- my very best friend in this world -- also moved ... to Arizona. I miss her so much! Sure we talk, but I miss "Baby Sister Day", sister hugs, and lazy Sunday afternoon movies with her and her husband. And from that list, I think it's the hugs that I miss the most. To add to this sadness, in April (almost one year ago) my dear Grandfather (Mom's Dad) passed away and then less than six months later my Grandmother (Father's Mom) passed away. She was my last living grandparent, and having her pass away made my heart feel so very empty. And grief does not limit itself to the loss of relationships - I have also grieved health issues, childhood pain, and other "losses".
Health: My battle continues. 7 years ago I had debilitating migraines, severe pain, loss of ability to move properly, and a myriad of other "symptoms" that made no sense. With many doctors looking at me like I was either insane, excessively needy, or just a hypochondriac; I continued to pursue "figuring out" what was "wrong" with me. Finally, I said the right combination of things to the right doctor (who by the way had encouragingly and repeatedly told me that he would not give up on me) and a diagnosis came in the summer of 2007 -- Advanced Rheumatoid Arthritis with organ involvement (or what the Dr. refers to as Lupus Tendency). I immediately went into a rigorous treatment plan involving some horrible medications. Shortly after the diagnosis of RA, came the addition of Celiac Sprue Disease. And shortly after that, my list of food allergies began to exponentially multiply. Although this all occurred over a long period of time, my body has continued to attack itself to the point that last year the proverbial rug got pulled out from underneath me. I do not have health insurance and because of that, once I got to a "maintenance" point in RA treatment, I stopped taking most all prescription medications. There was an immense amount of provision from the Lord to get me to this point and I do not in any way want to discredit the miraculous thing that this was! However, a little over a year ago I had an injury to my neck that led to a herniated disc. Treatment began for this, but I was in an overwhelming amount of pain - which led to additional flare-ups of RA, which led to additional joint damage and fatigue, which led to a further compromised immune system, which led to an additional need for medications... And so the saga goes! I have been doing my very best to manage my health, but I feel extraordinarily limited. I am in pain - both physical and emotional - and I am weary!
Finances: Isn't it always the case that we could think of a thousand ways to spend just a little extra money? I am always very reticent to mention finances because I want to be sensitive to my readers. And even more-so, it is very important to me to have a grateful heart! The challenge is that I also want to be able to be honest about where I need prayer, support, and a greater measure of faith! This is it. And very very honestly, health is the largest financial fight that I have! I have been amazingly blessed several times this past year in the way of finances. In part because of this, I don't stress about money nearly as much as I once did. I have learned that somehow it usually works out. :) Having said that, I do still experience stress here. There has not been a single month in the past year that I haven't needed financial support in some way. I HATE IT!!! I am a very independent person AND I really do want to be a self-supporting real-life grown up! Not to mention I feel like I am not able to prepare for the future because I am so financially caught in the moment.
So where does that bring me? First of all, please do not read this and think that I have forgotten all of the good things this year has brought. There has been much to rejoice over and thank the Lord for! And that is where this started! Through all of this pain and misery, I find myself lost in worship! When my heart aches, I am before the Lord seeking comfort. When I am overwhelmed with gratitude, I am in His presence declaring His might and faithfulness!
And through it all I can smile, laugh, rest, and declare that God is good...ALL THE TIME!
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Just a Few Notes
I have so much that I could talk about, including another recipe.
I had a friend ask me last week if I plan on turning my blog into a cookbook. Probably not...at least not anytime in the near future. But for the time-being, I will post recipes as I am inspired to do so.
This past weekend, I took a trip to Abilene. This is where I went to college...many moons ago. I still have a couple of friends who are there, but this past year my friend Wendy moved to Abilene as well. She was one of my roommates a few years ago and she became a wonderful friend. I stayed with her and we had a lot of fun.
Some of my high points of the weekend were meeting my dear friend Olivia's daughter. Long story here, but basically I don't know if I have ever been as excited to see a baby as I was with this one. She is absolutely amazing! On Saturday, Wendy and I went shopping for some new work clothes and then we went to the opening game for the Abilene Roller Derby Dames. This was the first Roller Derby for both of us. On Sunday we chilled out and played games at a coffee shop. Then on Monday, on my way out of town, I had lunch with a fabulous friend, Lauren.
In addition to having fun time with friends, this trip was also about making some space for my heart to explore some things. I needed some time-out with God and an opportunity to ask Him what He is wanting to do in my heart, mind, body, and soul. WOW! I had some treasured time with Him, and then on the way home prayed for 3 straight hours declaring all of the places in my life that I want freedom. I had an amazing time of honesty with my Maker, telling Him what I want, asking Him what He wants, and discussing what I think I am and am not ready for. Not to negate the special times that I had with my friends, but I think this was the true purpose and need of this trip.
I got back home, and pretty much jumped back in to life as normal. However I feel like I have a better sense of peace and resolve as I walk into a season where I am expecting change and healing! Just fabulous!
And now for another recipe (or two).
Last night I made an Herb Baked Salmon. I was at Whole Foods and the Sockeye Salmon (a personal favorite) was on sale for 9.99 per pound as opposed to the standard 14.99 per pound. I got a whole fillet and it was just over a pound. I cut off 1/3 of it on the tail end and pan cooked those pieces for tonight's dinner. The other portion I baked in the oven with some fresh herbs from my patio garden. So here are the recipes.
Herb Baked Salmon
1 Sockeye Salmon Fillet
Fresh Herbs - thinly cut (I used Indian Basil, Thyme, Sage, Oregano, Marjoram, and Chive)
Sea Salt
1 lime thinly sliced
1-2 Tbsp Unsalted Butter
1-2 Tbsp Bacon Drippings
1 Tbsp Raw Honey
Crushed Red Pepper Flakes (if desired)
Drizzle of Lemon infused Olive Oil
In a baking dish, drizzle Bacon Drippings. Rinse Salmon, remove pin bones, and make certain it is cut to fit the baking dish. Place skin-side down. Sprinkle Sea Salt and herbs across top of Salmon (include Crushed Red Pepper Flakes if desired). Drizzle Lemon infused Olive Oil and Honey over herbs and then place a single layer of thinly sliced limes over the top. Thinly slice 1-2 Tbsp Unsalted Butter and layer on top of the limes. Cook in oven at 350 degrees for about 25 minutes, until cooked. DO NOT overcook this fish or it gets dry, rubbery, and kind-of yucky.
I paired this with some baby carrots that I steamed and added a little honey, cinnamon, and cloves to. It was YUMMY!
Now for tonight's dinner:
Ok - so anyone who knows me well knows that tuna fish salad makes me gag like nothing else. I find it to be detestable!! Some may consider this is a upgraded version of tuna salad, but it is YUMMY!
Creamy Salmon Salad:
Here is what you need...
Pan Seared Sockeye Salmon (keep reading for how I made this) (about 1/4-1/3 pound)
Fresh Herbs (I used the same combo that I did the night before)
1-2 Ribs of Celery; finely chopped
1 small Apple (I used a Pink Lady; but Gala, Winesap, and Honeycrisp are all great options)
1-2 Green onions with chives; finely chopped
Raw Honey
Chia Seeds
1 Tbsp Unsalted Butter
Sea Salt and Pepper
Earth's Best Olive Oil "Mayo"
Lemon
To make the Pan Seared Salmon, I took the tail end of the fish and cut it into 1 inch thick strips (with skin), salted with sea salt, and squeezed fresh lime on top. In a hot pan, I added about 1 Tbsp Olive Oil and then placed the salmon skin side down in the pan. LEAVE IT BE until it lifts itself away from the pan surface. If you mess with it, the skin will stick and the fish will fall apart. Once it will easily move, flip it and sear the top. Flip again to cook the sides. All together, the fish is in the pan for less than 10 minutes. Refrigerate and leave for the next day.
To make the Creamy Salmon Salad, heat a small skillet on the stove top and add butter to melt. Add in the celery, apple, and onion and cook until the colors are bright and mixture is just beginning to soften. Add in the herbs, a pinch of salt and pepper, and 2 tsp Raw Honey. Cook a minute or two longer. Set aside to let it cool.
In a small bowl, take each salmon piece and pull off skin and flake the salmon. Add 1 Tbsp "Mayo", 1-2 tsp Chia Seeds, lemon zest and juice, and celery mixture. Stir together and place in freezer for a few minutes to "chill".
I paired this with some pre-made rice crackers and Garlic Broccoli. I cut up four crowns of broccoli, including the rabe. In a hot skillet, I placed 1 Tbsp Bacon Drippings, broccoli and rabe, and 2 tsp chopped garlic. Stir quickly to cover all broccoli with garlic and fat. Add a small amount of water for steam. Cook for about 5 minutes so broccoli still has a small amount of bite and is bright green.
Enjoy!!
I had a friend ask me last week if I plan on turning my blog into a cookbook. Probably not...at least not anytime in the near future. But for the time-being, I will post recipes as I am inspired to do so.
This past weekend, I took a trip to Abilene. This is where I went to college...many moons ago. I still have a couple of friends who are there, but this past year my friend Wendy moved to Abilene as well. She was one of my roommates a few years ago and she became a wonderful friend. I stayed with her and we had a lot of fun.
Some of my high points of the weekend were meeting my dear friend Olivia's daughter. Long story here, but basically I don't know if I have ever been as excited to see a baby as I was with this one. She is absolutely amazing! On Saturday, Wendy and I went shopping for some new work clothes and then we went to the opening game for the Abilene Roller Derby Dames. This was the first Roller Derby for both of us. On Sunday we chilled out and played games at a coffee shop. Then on Monday, on my way out of town, I had lunch with a fabulous friend, Lauren.
In addition to having fun time with friends, this trip was also about making some space for my heart to explore some things. I needed some time-out with God and an opportunity to ask Him what He is wanting to do in my heart, mind, body, and soul. WOW! I had some treasured time with Him, and then on the way home prayed for 3 straight hours declaring all of the places in my life that I want freedom. I had an amazing time of honesty with my Maker, telling Him what I want, asking Him what He wants, and discussing what I think I am and am not ready for. Not to negate the special times that I had with my friends, but I think this was the true purpose and need of this trip.
I got back home, and pretty much jumped back in to life as normal. However I feel like I have a better sense of peace and resolve as I walk into a season where I am expecting change and healing! Just fabulous!
And now for another recipe (or two).
Last night I made an Herb Baked Salmon. I was at Whole Foods and the Sockeye Salmon (a personal favorite) was on sale for 9.99 per pound as opposed to the standard 14.99 per pound. I got a whole fillet and it was just over a pound. I cut off 1/3 of it on the tail end and pan cooked those pieces for tonight's dinner. The other portion I baked in the oven with some fresh herbs from my patio garden. So here are the recipes.
Herb Baked Salmon
1 Sockeye Salmon Fillet
Fresh Herbs - thinly cut (I used Indian Basil, Thyme, Sage, Oregano, Marjoram, and Chive)
Sea Salt
1 lime thinly sliced
1-2 Tbsp Unsalted Butter
1-2 Tbsp Bacon Drippings
1 Tbsp Raw Honey
Crushed Red Pepper Flakes (if desired)
Drizzle of Lemon infused Olive Oil
In a baking dish, drizzle Bacon Drippings. Rinse Salmon, remove pin bones, and make certain it is cut to fit the baking dish. Place skin-side down. Sprinkle Sea Salt and herbs across top of Salmon (include Crushed Red Pepper Flakes if desired). Drizzle Lemon infused Olive Oil and Honey over herbs and then place a single layer of thinly sliced limes over the top. Thinly slice 1-2 Tbsp Unsalted Butter and layer on top of the limes. Cook in oven at 350 degrees for about 25 minutes, until cooked. DO NOT overcook this fish or it gets dry, rubbery, and kind-of yucky.
I paired this with some baby carrots that I steamed and added a little honey, cinnamon, and cloves to. It was YUMMY!
Now for tonight's dinner:
Ok - so anyone who knows me well knows that tuna fish salad makes me gag like nothing else. I find it to be detestable!! Some may consider this is a upgraded version of tuna salad, but it is YUMMY!
Creamy Salmon Salad:
Here is what you need...
Pan Seared Sockeye Salmon (keep reading for how I made this) (about 1/4-1/3 pound)
Fresh Herbs (I used the same combo that I did the night before)
1-2 Ribs of Celery; finely chopped
1 small Apple (I used a Pink Lady; but Gala, Winesap, and Honeycrisp are all great options)
1-2 Green onions with chives; finely chopped
Raw Honey
Chia Seeds
1 Tbsp Unsalted Butter
Sea Salt and Pepper
Earth's Best Olive Oil "Mayo"
Lemon
To make the Pan Seared Salmon, I took the tail end of the fish and cut it into 1 inch thick strips (with skin), salted with sea salt, and squeezed fresh lime on top. In a hot pan, I added about 1 Tbsp Olive Oil and then placed the salmon skin side down in the pan. LEAVE IT BE until it lifts itself away from the pan surface. If you mess with it, the skin will stick and the fish will fall apart. Once it will easily move, flip it and sear the top. Flip again to cook the sides. All together, the fish is in the pan for less than 10 minutes. Refrigerate and leave for the next day.
To make the Creamy Salmon Salad, heat a small skillet on the stove top and add butter to melt. Add in the celery, apple, and onion and cook until the colors are bright and mixture is just beginning to soften. Add in the herbs, a pinch of salt and pepper, and 2 tsp Raw Honey. Cook a minute or two longer. Set aside to let it cool.
In a small bowl, take each salmon piece and pull off skin and flake the salmon. Add 1 Tbsp "Mayo", 1-2 tsp Chia Seeds, lemon zest and juice, and celery mixture. Stir together and place in freezer for a few minutes to "chill".
I paired this with some pre-made rice crackers and Garlic Broccoli. I cut up four crowns of broccoli, including the rabe. In a hot skillet, I placed 1 Tbsp Bacon Drippings, broccoli and rabe, and 2 tsp chopped garlic. Stir quickly to cover all broccoli with garlic and fat. Add a small amount of water for steam. Cook for about 5 minutes so broccoli still has a small amount of bite and is bright green.
Enjoy!!
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Healing...
Healing is exactly what I am crying out for!
Please stick with me for a moment while I complain and explain. And then I will move on.
I have a growing list of food allergies (about 32 at current count), multiple auto-immune disorders, and am about 120 pounds overweight. I am constantly fatigued, feel as though my brain is always going at light-speed in 40 different directions, and sustain myself on a VERY limited diet. For years now, my diet has been almost 100% gluten, dairy, yeast, preservative, and egg free. This past year peanuts, mushrooms, strawberries, a multitude of spices, and several different types of fish got added into that mix. I even had to go without lettuce...yes I did just say lettuce...for six months and can now sporadically eat it with limited problems.
In an attempt to manage and reduce food allergies, I have done restricted, elimination, and rotation diets. In hope that my body would "reset", I even attempted a vegan diet...for about two weeks. But I soon realized that due to hunger and low blood sugar I was pretty much chewing up and spitting out every person that crossed my path, so I abandoned this experiment.
Through all of this, my food allergy list has grown, my diet has become more limited, and my weight has stayed the same.
I try to prepare most of my meals at home, from scratch to monitor the ingredients I am using. Going out to eat is ALWAYS an adventure, so I tend to not stray from the places I know. Whenever I do choose to go out, I feel like a super-pest because I am asking for a manager, requesting my food to be prepared in a separate pan with no seasonings, no sauces, and a very watchful eye to ensure that nothing touches it that could possibly contaminate it with a single speck of gluten, msg, peanuts, or any other enemies of my immune system. Then when I get my food, I carefully inspect it to make sure I don't see any possible culprits for anaphylaxis, eczema, migraines, or wrenching stomach pains. After confirming that everything was prepared just so, I PRAY PRAY PRAY that I will not have any food reactions this time.
I am not content! I do not like things the way they are. I want something different!
There are so many amazing and wonderful things about myself and in my life that I LOVE. But there are these few things that on occasion just leave me feeling absolutely, utterly, overwhelmingly DEFEATED!
And the only response that I have is to cry out to Jesus for healing to materialize. I ask for more faith to expect to see the revolutionary, transforming power of God in my life! I look to Him and declare that on my own I am weak, helpless, and so very desperately in need of seeing, feeling, and hearing His love for me! I know that I carry in me the most powerful and amazing thing in this world! I carry the power of Christ.
I know there are so many of us who are crying out for healing for one thing or another, so I ask the Lord to pour it down on us! For myself, I ask for healing from food issues, a wonky immune system, and the fear that I will somehow never be everything that the Lord created me to be. For ALL of the brokenness in my life, I ask; because I NEED HEALING!
Please stick with me for a moment while I complain and explain. And then I will move on.
I have a growing list of food allergies (about 32 at current count), multiple auto-immune disorders, and am about 120 pounds overweight. I am constantly fatigued, feel as though my brain is always going at light-speed in 40 different directions, and sustain myself on a VERY limited diet. For years now, my diet has been almost 100% gluten, dairy, yeast, preservative, and egg free. This past year peanuts, mushrooms, strawberries, a multitude of spices, and several different types of fish got added into that mix. I even had to go without lettuce...yes I did just say lettuce...for six months and can now sporadically eat it with limited problems.
In an attempt to manage and reduce food allergies, I have done restricted, elimination, and rotation diets. In hope that my body would "reset", I even attempted a vegan diet...for about two weeks. But I soon realized that due to hunger and low blood sugar I was pretty much chewing up and spitting out every person that crossed my path, so I abandoned this experiment.
Through all of this, my food allergy list has grown, my diet has become more limited, and my weight has stayed the same.
I try to prepare most of my meals at home, from scratch to monitor the ingredients I am using. Going out to eat is ALWAYS an adventure, so I tend to not stray from the places I know. Whenever I do choose to go out, I feel like a super-pest because I am asking for a manager, requesting my food to be prepared in a separate pan with no seasonings, no sauces, and a very watchful eye to ensure that nothing touches it that could possibly contaminate it with a single speck of gluten, msg, peanuts, or any other enemies of my immune system. Then when I get my food, I carefully inspect it to make sure I don't see any possible culprits for anaphylaxis, eczema, migraines, or wrenching stomach pains. After confirming that everything was prepared just so, I PRAY PRAY PRAY that I will not have any food reactions this time.
I am not content! I do not like things the way they are. I want something different!
There are so many amazing and wonderful things about myself and in my life that I LOVE. But there are these few things that on occasion just leave me feeling absolutely, utterly, overwhelmingly DEFEATED!
And the only response that I have is to cry out to Jesus for healing to materialize. I ask for more faith to expect to see the revolutionary, transforming power of God in my life! I look to Him and declare that on my own I am weak, helpless, and so very desperately in need of seeing, feeling, and hearing His love for me! I know that I carry in me the most powerful and amazing thing in this world! I carry the power of Christ.
I know there are so many of us who are crying out for healing for one thing or another, so I ask the Lord to pour it down on us! For myself, I ask for healing from food issues, a wonky immune system, and the fear that I will somehow never be everything that the Lord created me to be. For ALL of the brokenness in my life, I ask; because I NEED HEALING!
Thursday, December 6, 2012
The Happy Heart Status
Over the past few months, I have been really struggling with keeping a good attitude. There have been a lot of things happening around me that have left me feeling a little less than "in control" of my days, weeks, and now months. My attitude was really starting to suffer. I constantly found myself complaining about my work, getting irritated by certain people, and feeling a little less than gracious about being asked to constantly go above and beyond. I have been overwhelmed, impatient, and just a tiny bit cranky. These are very clearly not the traits that I want to describe me. So, a couple of weeks ago I decided to start something new. I decided that (for the time being) each day I am going to put a "Happy Heart Status" on facebook. It is a very small way that I can take a moment to focus my heart on the blessings, joys, and praises that come about in my day.
I got the idea of having a happy heart because I work with children on pretty much a daily basis. And I LOVE it, although it comes with it's challenges! Very often, I find myself reminding the little ones around me to have a happy heart. I let them know that it is ok to be disappointed, frustrated, and even angry at times. Those "negative" emotions are natural and it is ok to have them. But, how we respond is where it gets tricky! Having a happy heart! It sounds so easy, but as I am so readily reminded by all of these young friends - it can be very hard. You have to make the choice.
When I realized my attitude was not so great, I was convicted! Truly convicted that I was telling all of these children that they needed to have a happy heart, but I didn't. Wow! I think the Lord just reached right into my heart and made it twinge a bit. Then I realized that I needed to do something.
The Lord has been good to me -- very VERY good to me! I need to take the time to remember each day just how amazing and good He is! Therein was birthed "The Happy Heart Status".
Let's see how it goes!
(BTW This is mis-dated because I forgot to post it when I wrote it at the end of September) HAHA
I got the idea of having a happy heart because I work with children on pretty much a daily basis. And I LOVE it, although it comes with it's challenges! Very often, I find myself reminding the little ones around me to have a happy heart. I let them know that it is ok to be disappointed, frustrated, and even angry at times. Those "negative" emotions are natural and it is ok to have them. But, how we respond is where it gets tricky! Having a happy heart! It sounds so easy, but as I am so readily reminded by all of these young friends - it can be very hard. You have to make the choice.
When I realized my attitude was not so great, I was convicted! Truly convicted that I was telling all of these children that they needed to have a happy heart, but I didn't. Wow! I think the Lord just reached right into my heart and made it twinge a bit. Then I realized that I needed to do something.
The Lord has been good to me -- very VERY good to me! I need to take the time to remember each day just how amazing and good He is! Therein was birthed "The Happy Heart Status".
Let's see how it goes!
(BTW This is mis-dated because I forgot to post it when I wrote it at the end of September) HAHA
I must must MUST get some writing done...
It is a little funny to me when I really think about this, but writing is something that has brought about clarity and healing for me. However, when life gets busy, overwhelming, and even disappointing, writing is the last thing that I think about doing. Why is that? It's like walking out onto a battle field with a sword at my side, but never drawing it even though the enemy is charging at me. I wrestle with this weighty weapon on my side that could make the difference between walking away from the battle relatively unscathed or falling on the ground in weakness and injury. Writing is a sword. I must wield it!
I actually have 3 writing assignments awaiting me. They have been there for the better part of two months, but every time I sit to start writing I feel BLANK! Two of the things I have been asked to write are a personal purpose statement and a testimony of my faith journey. This has been overwhelmingly challenging - and I can't even seem to get the first sentence out. I have thought back to all of the instruction on how to write either of these things, I have read other people's stories, I have even looked up "how to write a personal purpose statement" in Google. It really didn't help me as much as I hoped it would...meaning Google did not tell me what my purpose statement is. :)
So, when I get stuck, this is where I come. I re-read things I have written in hope that somehow my writer's voice will become loud and strong and clear. Now that I have procrastinated for a while, I really must must MUST get some writing done!
I actually have 3 writing assignments awaiting me. They have been there for the better part of two months, but every time I sit to start writing I feel BLANK! Two of the things I have been asked to write are a personal purpose statement and a testimony of my faith journey. This has been overwhelmingly challenging - and I can't even seem to get the first sentence out. I have thought back to all of the instruction on how to write either of these things, I have read other people's stories, I have even looked up "how to write a personal purpose statement" in Google. It really didn't help me as much as I hoped it would...meaning Google did not tell me what my purpose statement is. :)
So, when I get stuck, this is where I come. I re-read things I have written in hope that somehow my writer's voice will become loud and strong and clear. Now that I have procrastinated for a while, I really must must MUST get some writing done!
Saturday, May 5, 2012
What a Whirlwind...
I got back into Austin on Thursday evening, after what has to this point in my life been the most stressful week I have experienced. A lot of sweet and great things happened in it, but a lot of sadness, fear, and frustration also had to be encountered.
As you know, last week my beloved Paw Paw passed away. I am still sorting through many emotions, but by far the greatest is that I just wasn't ready to lose him! There have been two men in my life who I knew that I knew at all times I was just as precious to them as they were to me. My Paw Paw was one of them. My Uncle Jerry is the other.
I didn't grow up with a father who doted on his baby girl. In fact, more often than not, I thought I was a burden who was annoying and in the way. I didn't feel like I could do much "right" for him or that my efforts were ever recognized as the very best I had to offer. Our relationship was always strained, and to this day it continues to be.
I mention this, because my Paw Paw was never like that. As I said, I always knew that he loved me and wanted me. Even when I was an awkward teenager and he just really didn't know what to do with me, I was still special and loved -- and I knew it!
I last saw my Paw Paw in December. While my mother and I both had a break from work, we made the 11 hour drive to go see him. When we left, I said goodbye, but certainly did not expect it to be goodbye! A few weeks ago, he had an infection that caused him to go to the hospital. I so wanted to put away everything I was doing and go see him. But I didn't know or understand the urgency. I was very busy with work and had a thousand and one "important" things on my plate. But I didn't know that it would be my last chance to touch my Paw Paw, or hear his sweet voice. I didn't go. And I wish I had, because I never got to really say goodbye to him.
My sister, Marcie, and I drove up together for the funeral on Sunday. She has two babies, 7 month-old Amanda and 24 month-old Emily. The trip didn't take us the 11 hours I previously mentioned...no, it took us 18 hours! Yes, you read that right! The girls did AMAZINGLY well for the first 14 hours. It was pretty hairy after that! In the final 1 1/2 hour stretch, I was driving and my sister and the girls were sound asleep. My sister was so exhausted that she didn't even notice we drove through a thunder storm with hail. She was sitting in the back of the minivan to be close to the kiddos. I kept looking back, expecting her to wake in a panic. She never did. It wasn't until we hit Amarillo and slowed to exit the interstate that she actually woke. We got lost on the way to the hotel and my cousin had to come meet us to get us to the right place. We unloaded, did laundry, and made it into bed somewhere around 4:30 am (a full 24 hours since we had last risen out of bed).
On Monday, we woke early and got ready. While both of my sisters and I were together, we made the trip out to go see my father, his sister, and her husband. I really wanted to see my aunt and uncle, but honestly I wasn't sure I wanted to see my father. I didn't know what to expect, and I wasn't sure that I was ready for what may greet me. It had been 2 years since Shawna saw him, 8 since Marcie had, and 5 since I had. He of course had not met his grand-daughters, and it was important to Marcie that he get the chance while we were so close. We met him and our uncle at a restaurant, ate lunch, and then went to see my aunt who was not feeling well enough to come to lunch. This experience will have to fill up another blog post. But in short, the meeting went well. But I was definitely very stressed by it! We wrapped up our visit there and headed back to Amarillo to get ready for the viewing. We were late to the viewing, so I didn't have the chance to go actually see my Paw Paw and say good-bye without masses of people around. At one point the sanctuary emptied enough that no one was standing next to him having a conversation of any sort and I walked up to his casket. He didn't look like himself! He was pale, thin, and so very still. Even seeing that it was in fact time to say goodbye, I couldn't. I just wasn't ready!
In one day, I went to see the man who never valued me for who I am - living his life without me being a part of it. And I saw a man who treasured me as a valuable that could never be replaced - still and laying in a casket. It doesn't seem fair!
That night, my sister Marcie and I were both beyond the point of exhaustion and stress-able-ness. We had an argument and the only thing I could do was just walk away. I did not have the resolve to push through the argument to the solution. I just couldn't. I was saddened by our interaction and feared that because of the rocky road we have always traveled, there was no hope that we would ever get past it and walk on a smooth and straight road with each other. When I came back to the room, Marcie had gotten in bed and I followed suit.
Early Tuesday, my aunt got admitted to the ICU. We weren't sure if Uncle Jerry would make it to the funeral, but he did. That morning, we all worked together as a family (Shawna, Carl, Marcie, Mom, Me) to get Emily and Amanda ready, so Marcie could get everything gathered that would be needed for the day. We did well! We got out of the hotel and made it to the funeral on-time! Emmie sat between me and Car-Car (Uncle Carl) all through the service and she did great -- she knows "church" and so we told her we were at church and she needed to stay quiet. I was so proud of how well she did. I was paying attention, but felt a little numb; almost as if I couldn't process what was actually happening. At the very end, when they carried the closed casket out to the hurse, a piece of me just wanted to run up and stop them to say, "You can't take him away yet! I'm still not ready!" Don't worry, I didn't. We proceeded to the grave sight, where he was buried right between my grandmother and my cousin Marlena who passed away my junior year in college. Somehow, the fact that his body would rest right there - between two other people in his life that loved and adored him just as much as I did - it seemed ok. Everything that happened after that is a bit of a blur.
One thing about that day that stands out to me as a wonderful and amazing thing was a conversation that Marcie and I had Tuesday afternoon. We talked through our argument from the previous night and how it related to so many other arguments that we had. It was a good conversation - and Emily and Amanda slept through most of it, so we actually got to pay attention to each other without distraction! In this conversation, hope was restored that Marcie and I really can have more in our relationship. We both expressed our desire, prayers, and hopes for so much more -- and I think that the fact that we both want it so much will keep our relationship improving!
On Wednesday, we drove back as far as Abilene. We decided that staying there and having a change to play a little and get a good nights sleep would really help out with the rest of the drive. We still only got 5 hours of sleep, but that was between 2 and 4 hours more than we had for the previous 4 days!
We finished the drive on Thursday. It was a good drive! We talked some more about things that were important to both of us. And for me, one of the best parts was that Marcie was asking me about MY life. She genuinely wanted to know about my work, theories on education, and my own personal experiences that have led me in the direction of who I am today. It was as if 30 years of walls had begun crumbling and falling down!
After dropping Marcie and the girls off in Fredericksburg, I gathered my things and headed back to Austin. I had work things that needed to be addressed, a doctors appointment for my neck, and my small group meeting. I pushed through (and enjoyed) these things and then came home and CRASHED!!!! Friday I didn't have to be anywhere, and it was a good thing. My body was so exhausted that I pretty much just laid around all day. A friend of mine scheduled to have two housekeepers come clean my house on Friday afternoon, and it was the biggest blessing! I have a work party at my house tonight and having someone else come in to clean and help me get my house together was HUGE!!
I think this is probably the longest thing I have ever posted. In reality it is probably at least three different posts, but I just needed to spill it all out. If you have actually stuck through reading this whole thing, bless you! I am impressed!
Friday, April 27, 2012
My Beloved Paw Paw...
This afternoon, at the age of 91, my beloved Paw Paw left this world to go be with the Lord.
My earliest memory of my grandfather is being on the farm and going out into the wheat fields on his "big green tractor". He would take me out, let me sit on his lap and "drive" the green machine. We would look into the massive panhandle sky and discuss the important stuff in life - like what shape the clouds made in the sky and how to know if it was going to rain anytime in the next few days. I remember thinking, "this must be what heaven is like". I remember going out with him when I was three, when I was six, when I was ten, when I was twelve. This was our special time together!
Some of my other wonderful memories include sitting at the kitchen table and waiting for him to come in long after my bed time to eat a bowl of cereal together. He had the gross looking fiber-pellet cereal and I got Kix. We also enjoyed time sitting in the living room watching the news. He sat in his sheet-covered mechanical chair and I sat on the round orange ottoman right at his feet. I never much liked watching the news with anyone else, but when it was with my Paw Paw I was doing important business!
The big yellow farm house signified many great things in my childhood, but by far the very best was spending time with my Paw Paw! I don't know that there has been another single human in my life that I have adored quite as much!
As I grew older, there was a window of awkwardness that came. Somehow, I didn't feel like I was quite as special to him because I wasn't a hard working man or an even harder working woman - quite yet. I was just a teenage girl and I think he just didn't quite know what to do with me. But even still, my adoration for him never faded.
As all children (and grand-children) do, I grew. When it came time to pick a college to go to, I chose a school in Abilene. My grandparents lived there and I felt safe living close to them. My freshman year, my grandmother got very ill and my grandfather got into a car accident. I remember feeling the sting of realizing that my grandparents were aging and health was not a guarantee. Before my grandparents moved back up to Amarillo to live closer to a lot of our family, I had a conversation with my grandfather. He said, "Sis. You have always been a special one." I nearly fell apart in tears in that moment - just as I am in this one. I realized that despite my growing up, I was still his little grand-daughter.
In the following years, I made many trips from Abilene to Amarillo to see my grandparents. My grandmother's health was very frail during those years and I wanted to spend time with her. But even then, when my grandmother would go lie down for a rest I would sit and watch the news with my Paw Paw. It was time, that for some strange reason was just precious to me - almost sacred.
I have not seen my grandfather much in the past few years. I saw him just twice in the past 13 months - for his 90th birthday and for Christmas. His mind was becoming cloudy and his strength was diminished. Yet I still saw the strong man who would play with me in the wheat fields. Just last night in my "I can't sleep" awake hours, it occurred to me that my grandfather was not immortal and that at some point he would pass away from this world. I did NOT expect it to be today, but maybe Holy Spirit was just helping me prepare for the road that would be today.
I know that many will say that he is now in a better place where pain, fatigue, and earthly sorrow can no longer hinder him. For this I am thankful. But for the fact that I will never again get to sit and watch the news with my Paw Paw, I am grieved!
I will miss him like no other that I have ever lost!
Tonight is one of those times that I have so much swirling in my head that I can't seem to still the noise long enough to allow myself to enter the blissful place of sleep. So I write.
I am definitely overwhelmed at the moment.
I am trying to prove myself worthy to a new boss, all while also trying to close out a semester and 5 groups that I manage. This involves about 20 caregivers and close to 100 children. I have been at this job for 9 months, so I still have to remind myself that I am encountering "firsts" and that they can be hard.
I am not only working this job, I am also working as a nanny a few days a week. I LOVE the family and have known them since their first baby was well, a baby! He is now 3! But I find myself feeling overwhelmed by certain things here too.
My house (that I lease) just got sold. Well, it isn't sold just yet, but it is in contract. The closing is set for May 11. We have to be out my June 5th. I HATE moving. I know that most people do. I just happen to traditionally feel inordinately insecure when it comes to moving. For some reason, it stirs up chaos in me that I don't even understand. Some people look forward to the next adventure. For me, I just feel like my foundation is being pulled out from underneath me. I liken it to those movie scenes you see where someone tries to pull a table-cloth out from underneath stacks of china dishes. I feel like the china dishes. And although the Lord has never aloud me to come crashing to the floor, the rattling and shaking makes me fear I will somehow get broken beyond repair.
Even with all of these things that overwhelm me, I can see the love and mercy of God. Yet still, I stir. I strive. I fret. Why? Why can't I just seem to lie down and close my eyes and allow the peace of my Lord to wash over me? I don't know why it is so hard for me to just live through transition without feeling so alone. Why is making life decisions so frightening?
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
ENERGY!! NEED...MORE...ENERGY!!!!!
Today I am once again reminded of the reality of living with auto-immune issues. I am not complaining...at least I'm trying not to.
I have been running myself pretty hard lately, and the true reality is that going at light speed will catch up with anyone. It just happens to catch up to me in the form of being a lethargic slug who winces at the thought of movement. And, it doesn't usually hit at the most convenient of times - as anyone who deals with auto-immune disorders can tell you. In fact, it tends to be that the times we are reminded that we do in fact have limits that need to be respected are the very same moments that we anticipate needing all of our faculties in top-order.
I have just come off of working three very long weeks in preparation for Holy Week children's services. I think I have logged in somewhere very close to 80 hours of work each of those three weeks. This weekend, I spend Saturday and the majority of Sunday in bed trying to refill the energy tank. Yesterday I felt fairly restored and headed into a 11 hour work day with an additional 3 hours of play. I had a wonderful day. I slept fairly well last night and got a good 7 hours of sleep. But, this morning when I tried to rise out of bed I felt it. Every last joint in my body seemed to be screaming out in fire. And today, as I have been trying to press hard through work, I seem to be so completely fatigued that I can't even muster up the energy to go refill my water bottle. If only I could just go home, but alas I can't. There are still 7 very long hours left in this work day for me!
I just pray for the peace and grace of the Lord. And, that He would meet me and carry me through the rest of this day. This is also a reminder to me to pray for my many friends who are dealing with similar things. I pray for strength, rest, and super-natural energy for each of them. You know who you are! ;)
Today I am once again reminded of the reality of living with auto-immune issues. I am not complaining...at least I'm trying not to.
I have been running myself pretty hard lately, and the true reality is that going at light speed will catch up with anyone. It just happens to catch up to me in the form of being a lethargic slug who winces at the thought of movement. And, it doesn't usually hit at the most convenient of times - as anyone who deals with auto-immune disorders can tell you. In fact, it tends to be that the times we are reminded that we do in fact have limits that need to be respected are the very same moments that we anticipate needing all of our faculties in top-order.
I have just come off of working three very long weeks in preparation for Holy Week children's services. I think I have logged in somewhere very close to 80 hours of work each of those three weeks. This weekend, I spend Saturday and the majority of Sunday in bed trying to refill the energy tank. Yesterday I felt fairly restored and headed into a 11 hour work day with an additional 3 hours of play. I had a wonderful day. I slept fairly well last night and got a good 7 hours of sleep. But, this morning when I tried to rise out of bed I felt it. Every last joint in my body seemed to be screaming out in fire. And today, as I have been trying to press hard through work, I seem to be so completely fatigued that I can't even muster up the energy to go refill my water bottle. If only I could just go home, but alas I can't. There are still 7 very long hours left in this work day for me!
I just pray for the peace and grace of the Lord. And, that He would meet me and carry me through the rest of this day. This is also a reminder to me to pray for my many friends who are dealing with similar things. I pray for strength, rest, and super-natural energy for each of them. You know who you are! ;)
Monday, April 9, 2012
The Cool Kid is Sitting at MY Table...
Have you ever encountered those people in your life that as soon as you meet them you can just see the Lord oozing out of them? They don't think, "Oh, I have to choose my words so carefully so that this person can see Christ in this." No. They just speak and anyone around will notice that they carry a confidence, a security, a love that is rarely seen. Those of us who know the Lord, know exactly what that air about them is...it is HIM!
Well, I have one of these people in my life. I don't know her that well yet, but I would love for our friendship to grow deeper. We have a several common friends. We go to the same church. We have on occasion sat and talked or prayed about some of the less superficial things of life. But we aren't Bosom Buddies or anything; not yet at least. But we do share something pretty awesome...Jesus! We are both utterly smitten by the overwhelming love of Jesus!
When I first met her, I was instantly interested in getting to know her! But, I was uber-intimidated to even ask her if she would like to grab a coffee sometime because...yes I did say this...I had that high-school fear that I was asking to sit at the cool-kid table and I was afraid I wouldn't be welcome. Because let's face it, I'm not exactly one of the cool kids! I actually admitted this fear - out loud - to her. She laughed at me! I have since come to realized that although she definitely is one of the cool kids, she welcomes me to sit at her table - and she doesn't seem to think any less of me even though I don't rack up as many cool-points as she does.
Well tonight, to my great joy, I got to invite her to sit at my table. She is about to leave for Africa for six months and she actually took a night out of her very busy schedule to come over and eat dinner with me. How special I felt! Before she left my house I got to pray for her. Here I am, praying for this person who oozes the love of Jesus. And you know what? It was fabulous!
There are moments in my life when I know that I am in exactly the right place at the right moment and I am doing the right thing. That happened tonight. The Lord was so precious and so sweet to show me ways to pray for her and love her. And in return, I felt that overwhelming ooze of the Lord -- coming out of me! It was just so precious that I had to record it.
And I must also admit that it feels a little fun to have the cool-kid come over to my house!
Have you ever encountered those people in your life that as soon as you meet them you can just see the Lord oozing out of them? They don't think, "Oh, I have to choose my words so carefully so that this person can see Christ in this." No. They just speak and anyone around will notice that they carry a confidence, a security, a love that is rarely seen. Those of us who know the Lord, know exactly what that air about them is...it is HIM!
Well, I have one of these people in my life. I don't know her that well yet, but I would love for our friendship to grow deeper. We have a several common friends. We go to the same church. We have on occasion sat and talked or prayed about some of the less superficial things of life. But we aren't Bosom Buddies or anything; not yet at least. But we do share something pretty awesome...Jesus! We are both utterly smitten by the overwhelming love of Jesus!
When I first met her, I was instantly interested in getting to know her! But, I was uber-intimidated to even ask her if she would like to grab a coffee sometime because...yes I did say this...I had that high-school fear that I was asking to sit at the cool-kid table and I was afraid I wouldn't be welcome. Because let's face it, I'm not exactly one of the cool kids! I actually admitted this fear - out loud - to her. She laughed at me! I have since come to realized that although she definitely is one of the cool kids, she welcomes me to sit at her table - and she doesn't seem to think any less of me even though I don't rack up as many cool-points as she does.
Well tonight, to my great joy, I got to invite her to sit at my table. She is about to leave for Africa for six months and she actually took a night out of her very busy schedule to come over and eat dinner with me. How special I felt! Before she left my house I got to pray for her. Here I am, praying for this person who oozes the love of Jesus. And you know what? It was fabulous!
There are moments in my life when I know that I am in exactly the right place at the right moment and I am doing the right thing. That happened tonight. The Lord was so precious and so sweet to show me ways to pray for her and love her. And in return, I felt that overwhelming ooze of the Lord -- coming out of me! It was just so precious that I had to record it.
And I must also admit that it feels a little fun to have the cool-kid come over to my house!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Heart Break - Taking it to God?
So many things in life have the potential to break our hearts. Things that happen to us, to those close to us, and even to people we have never met but only heard their heart-wrenching stories. What do we do with that pain?
The cliche answer I know is, "Take it to God." That's a great answer, but how do you really do it? What is it to really bring brokenness and pain to the Lord? And what happens to it when you do? Once you have "gone to the Lord" is the hurt supposed to go away?
I can't really answer all of these questions. But I know in the depths of my heart that God hurts with us. In Psalm 56 it is recorded that the Lord has each of our sorrows written down and that He has collected our tears.
I have by no means perfected the art of grief. In fact, in many ways I feel like I haven't even touched the surface of knowing how to grieve.
There are plenty things in my life to grieve, I just haven't learned how. I haven't learned how to really trust God with the broken places in my heart. Especially those when I question, "Where were you, God?"
Were you there when I got sick? Were you there when my dear friend lost another baby? Were you there when someone special passed away?
Yes! God was there! And I don't know how to communicate it, but I also know that God has grieved with me and for me in those times when my heart hurts so badly that I can hardly catch my breath! It is a mystery that I don't understand. Something that is without formula. But somehow, there is a place of entering into the presence of God and in that place - that sacred, Holy place - the Lord shares in the pain, sadness, and overwhelming heart-ache.
So many things in life have the potential to break our hearts. Things that happen to us, to those close to us, and even to people we have never met but only heard their heart-wrenching stories. What do we do with that pain?
The cliche answer I know is, "Take it to God." That's a great answer, but how do you really do it? What is it to really bring brokenness and pain to the Lord? And what happens to it when you do? Once you have "gone to the Lord" is the hurt supposed to go away?
I can't really answer all of these questions. But I know in the depths of my heart that God hurts with us. In Psalm 56 it is recorded that the Lord has each of our sorrows written down and that He has collected our tears.
I have by no means perfected the art of grief. In fact, in many ways I feel like I haven't even touched the surface of knowing how to grieve.
There are plenty things in my life to grieve, I just haven't learned how. I haven't learned how to really trust God with the broken places in my heart. Especially those when I question, "Where were you, God?"
Were you there when I got sick? Were you there when my dear friend lost another baby? Were you there when someone special passed away?
Yes! God was there! And I don't know how to communicate it, but I also know that God has grieved with me and for me in those times when my heart hurts so badly that I can hardly catch my breath! It is a mystery that I don't understand. Something that is without formula. But somehow, there is a place of entering into the presence of God and in that place - that sacred, Holy place - the Lord shares in the pain, sadness, and overwhelming heart-ache.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Changing Seasons
This weekend is my nieces first birthday. Wow how the year has flown by! I always assumed that when my sisters had babies I would be around all the time. I would never miss a single mile-stone. Well, in the last year I have missed many. Fredericksburg isn't that far away from Austin, but it also isn't just down the street. In the last year, Emily has hit just about every point of development that you would expect of a baby. But, I only get to see her about once a month...sometimes less. So everytime I see her, it seems that she has changed so much. I just saw her two weeks ago, so I hope that this time not too much has changed! It amazes me how quickly one year can go by and how much a baby really does grow! Before I know it, Baby Number 2 will be born and we'll be doing it all over again. I can't wait for that one either! (FYI: Estimated Date of Arrival is October 6.)
Onto other news, I have been bit by the Spring Garden Bug. I have been spending a little bit of time each day outside, cleaning up from the winter months and prepping for the spring. I have huge dreams of what I want to do. Too bad my energy and finances can't keep up with my imagination! One day...maybe?
We have a lot of stuff that needs clearing away and that part isn't as fun to me as putting the new stuff in. Unfortunately it is a little difficult to do one without the other. It's that whole baby-steps thing again. It has to get done in stages and I don't really appreciate the process as much as the product. Oh, how God continuously teaches me about the state of my heart through every-day things! It really isn't just plants that I see this message in.
I need encouragement to not give up on the process even if I don't see the results I want immediately. It is far better to grow and hit some awkward stages along the way than it is to always stay the same. Right? At least this is what I have been told! Looking forward to posting updates along the way.
This weekend is my nieces first birthday. Wow how the year has flown by! I always assumed that when my sisters had babies I would be around all the time. I would never miss a single mile-stone. Well, in the last year I have missed many. Fredericksburg isn't that far away from Austin, but it also isn't just down the street. In the last year, Emily has hit just about every point of development that you would expect of a baby. But, I only get to see her about once a month...sometimes less. So everytime I see her, it seems that she has changed so much. I just saw her two weeks ago, so I hope that this time not too much has changed! It amazes me how quickly one year can go by and how much a baby really does grow! Before I know it, Baby Number 2 will be born and we'll be doing it all over again. I can't wait for that one either! (FYI: Estimated Date of Arrival is October 6.)
Onto other news, I have been bit by the Spring Garden Bug. I have been spending a little bit of time each day outside, cleaning up from the winter months and prepping for the spring. I have huge dreams of what I want to do. Too bad my energy and finances can't keep up with my imagination! One day...maybe?
We have a lot of stuff that needs clearing away and that part isn't as fun to me as putting the new stuff in. Unfortunately it is a little difficult to do one without the other. It's that whole baby-steps thing again. It has to get done in stages and I don't really appreciate the process as much as the product. Oh, how God continuously teaches me about the state of my heart through every-day things! It really isn't just plants that I see this message in.
I need encouragement to not give up on the process even if I don't see the results I want immediately. It is far better to grow and hit some awkward stages along the way than it is to always stay the same. Right? At least this is what I have been told! Looking forward to posting updates along the way.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
This Weekend
This weekend was a whirlwind to say the least. So much so that I am still fighting the need to just stay in bed and rest all day. But it was SO worth it! I think that I enjoyed this past weekend more than I have enjoyed something in a long time.
So what did I do??? I traveled and saw friends and family.
Friday afternoon: Austin to Fredericksburg; saw Marcie, Jeff, and Emily
Saturday all day: Fredericksburg to Lubbock; saw Anna-Maria. Lubbock to Amarillo; saw Uncle Jerry and Aunt Carolyn
Sunday: Stayed in Amarillo; saw Uncle Jerry and Aunt Carolyn, Paw Paw, Uncle Gaylord and Aunt Eunice, Clay, Becky, Colt (cousins), a lot of people from church who have watched me grow up, several people who live with and care for my grandfather.
Monday all day: Amarillo to Abilene; saw Bryan, Olivia, and Baby-on-the-way Josiah. Abilene back to Austin.
Whoa! That was a long journey.
If you're in for more details, keep reading. Here's the scoop.
This weekend was my Paw Paw's 90th birthday. Wow! I haven't been able to go up and see my extended family in 3 years, including my amazing grandfather. It blows me away how time passes! It is spring break, and since I teach I have the week off (mostly). My mother was able to take a half day on Friday and get Monday off. That meant we had 3 1/2 days to travel from one end of Texas (not quite) to the other.
We started out at about 2:30 on Friday afternoon and drove to Fredericksburg to see my sister, brother and law, and my amazing niece Emily. We stayed there for the night - and lost a little bit of hearing as a result. Man can that baby scream...happy, sad, frustrated, overjoyed...it all contains a very LOUD and high-pitched, near chandelier-breaking scream! Oh but I LOVE her!! She's the best thing in my life!! And, did you know there is another baby on the way? Yes. The babies will be 18 months apart.
Bright and early Saturday morning, we hopped back into the car to make the drive to Amarillo. You go right through Lubbock on the way...which happens to be where one of my best friends from college lives. I haven't seen Anna-Maria in about three years. We stopped off at a coffee shop near her house and met up for about an hour. I could have sat there with her talking for four or five hours, but we just couldn't since we had to get to Amarillo before too late. It was SO wonderful to get to see her and hug her and just sit and talk. I miss my friend!
Before the hour was up, my mom was pointing at the watch and thinking about how late it was getting. So we said our goodbyes, got back on the highway and finished the drive to Amarillo. We got there at about 8:00 and my aunt and uncle (who we stayed with) had waited on dinner for us. So my uncle went out and got some tacos, we sat down, and ate! It was nice to eat something sitting at a table after a day of snacking on stuff in the car! We stayed up late catching up and enjoying each others presence. When it was time to hit the pillow I was so ready to crash that I didn't even read a page of my book before I fell asleep!
Sunday morning came much more quickly than my body wanted...it really wanted to just stay in bed and have a slow start to the day. But alas, it was time to get moving! My mom and I got ready for church and then went to go pick up my Paw Paw. It was a TOTAL surprise to him that we came! My uncle hadn't said anything to him because he didn't want to upset him if we didn't make it for some reason. I walked into his apartment and he just looked at me and blinked a few times as his smile grew wider. He said, "Well Hi Melonie Lynn. What are you doing here?" It was so sweet to see the joy in his face! I LOVE MY PAW PAW!!!! We packed up, went to church, lunch, birthday party, and back to church that night. Whew! It was a LONG day!! We stopped back off at my Paw Paw's to say goodnight and he was so worn out from the day that he couldn't even keep his eyes open. It was kind-of sad, but also a little cute. When we got back to the house to eat dinner, I was so tired that I didn't even feel like chewing! 8:30 hit, I grabbed my book and sat on the couch to read for a bit. I was just about ready to climb into bed when my uncle started a movie...which I got sucked into! We didn't go to bed until MIDNIGHT! Oh, My!! That is late for this little bug! But it was SO wonderful! I could tell that my uncle was so happy to have my mom and I just hanging out with him. And like I said before, I hadn't seen him in three years, so I wanted to get as much Uncle Jerry time in as I could!
Monday morning rolled around before we knew it. We took a little extra time getting ready to go and were out the door at about 9:00. We were ready to head back to Austin. On the way, we stopped off in Abilene (where I went to college) so that I could see another one of my school friends, Olivia. She is such a precious friend! I wanted to sit and catch up with her for hours, but neither of us could. My mom and I had to get back on the road and Olivia had an appointment. But, the stop was not without some amazing moments...I finally got to meet her husband, Bryan. I felt like I knew him already, but I had never been able to meet him. Now I have! Another very special moment is that Olivia is pregnant and I was able to lay my hands on her belly and pray for this very special and intended life! There is a long story there, but the bottom line is that God is amazingly GOOD and this growing life and healthy Mama are proof! The visit was short, but it was wonderful!
My mom and I got back in the car again. My mom wanted to go find some lunch; I wanted to go drive through campus. All I can say is that it's a little like returning home! So we drove around for a bit and got some food. It was nice to have a break from driving on the highway. We didn't take long and then we finished the rest of the stretch back to Austin. We pulled up into my drive-way right around 8:30 in the evening. My poor Mom. Even after getting me unloaded, she still had to make a 20 minute drive home and unload all of her stuff!
All in all, it was a great trip! There were no major incidences, no car problems, and a lot of good time for my mom and I to talk and catch up. I learned some things about her that I never knew...and I think she may have learned some things about me, too! I got to see a lot of people that I love and haven't been able to see in a long time. One sad part was that because it was spring break, most of my cousins were away. So of the 28 family members that live near-by, I only got to see 8. But it was still very much worth it! Now I get to recover!
Yesterday, I didn't leave the house. In fact, I didn't leave my pajamas! I just rested and stayed low-key. Today I am moving slowly, but have to get myself cleaned up to go run some errands and go to work tonight. It will happen. But right now, I think I might go take a nap. =)
This weekend was a whirlwind to say the least. So much so that I am still fighting the need to just stay in bed and rest all day. But it was SO worth it! I think that I enjoyed this past weekend more than I have enjoyed something in a long time.
So what did I do??? I traveled and saw friends and family.
Friday afternoon: Austin to Fredericksburg; saw Marcie, Jeff, and Emily
Saturday all day: Fredericksburg to Lubbock; saw Anna-Maria. Lubbock to Amarillo; saw Uncle Jerry and Aunt Carolyn
Sunday: Stayed in Amarillo; saw Uncle Jerry and Aunt Carolyn, Paw Paw, Uncle Gaylord and Aunt Eunice, Clay, Becky, Colt (cousins), a lot of people from church who have watched me grow up, several people who live with and care for my grandfather.
Monday all day: Amarillo to Abilene; saw Bryan, Olivia, and Baby-on-the-way Josiah. Abilene back to Austin.
Whoa! That was a long journey.
If you're in for more details, keep reading. Here's the scoop.
This weekend was my Paw Paw's 90th birthday. Wow! I haven't been able to go up and see my extended family in 3 years, including my amazing grandfather. It blows me away how time passes! It is spring break, and since I teach I have the week off (mostly). My mother was able to take a half day on Friday and get Monday off. That meant we had 3 1/2 days to travel from one end of Texas (not quite) to the other.
We started out at about 2:30 on Friday afternoon and drove to Fredericksburg to see my sister, brother and law, and my amazing niece Emily. We stayed there for the night - and lost a little bit of hearing as a result. Man can that baby scream...happy, sad, frustrated, overjoyed...it all contains a very LOUD and high-pitched, near chandelier-breaking scream! Oh but I LOVE her!! She's the best thing in my life!! And, did you know there is another baby on the way? Yes. The babies will be 18 months apart.
Bright and early Saturday morning, we hopped back into the car to make the drive to Amarillo. You go right through Lubbock on the way...which happens to be where one of my best friends from college lives. I haven't seen Anna-Maria in about three years. We stopped off at a coffee shop near her house and met up for about an hour. I could have sat there with her talking for four or five hours, but we just couldn't since we had to get to Amarillo before too late. It was SO wonderful to get to see her and hug her and just sit and talk. I miss my friend!
Before the hour was up, my mom was pointing at the watch and thinking about how late it was getting. So we said our goodbyes, got back on the highway and finished the drive to Amarillo. We got there at about 8:00 and my aunt and uncle (who we stayed with) had waited on dinner for us. So my uncle went out and got some tacos, we sat down, and ate! It was nice to eat something sitting at a table after a day of snacking on stuff in the car! We stayed up late catching up and enjoying each others presence. When it was time to hit the pillow I was so ready to crash that I didn't even read a page of my book before I fell asleep!
Sunday morning came much more quickly than my body wanted...it really wanted to just stay in bed and have a slow start to the day. But alas, it was time to get moving! My mom and I got ready for church and then went to go pick up my Paw Paw. It was a TOTAL surprise to him that we came! My uncle hadn't said anything to him because he didn't want to upset him if we didn't make it for some reason. I walked into his apartment and he just looked at me and blinked a few times as his smile grew wider. He said, "Well Hi Melonie Lynn. What are you doing here?" It was so sweet to see the joy in his face! I LOVE MY PAW PAW!!!! We packed up, went to church, lunch, birthday party, and back to church that night. Whew! It was a LONG day!! We stopped back off at my Paw Paw's to say goodnight and he was so worn out from the day that he couldn't even keep his eyes open. It was kind-of sad, but also a little cute. When we got back to the house to eat dinner, I was so tired that I didn't even feel like chewing! 8:30 hit, I grabbed my book and sat on the couch to read for a bit. I was just about ready to climb into bed when my uncle started a movie...which I got sucked into! We didn't go to bed until MIDNIGHT! Oh, My!! That is late for this little bug! But it was SO wonderful! I could tell that my uncle was so happy to have my mom and I just hanging out with him. And like I said before, I hadn't seen him in three years, so I wanted to get as much Uncle Jerry time in as I could!
Monday morning rolled around before we knew it. We took a little extra time getting ready to go and were out the door at about 9:00. We were ready to head back to Austin. On the way, we stopped off in Abilene (where I went to college) so that I could see another one of my school friends, Olivia. She is such a precious friend! I wanted to sit and catch up with her for hours, but neither of us could. My mom and I had to get back on the road and Olivia had an appointment. But, the stop was not without some amazing moments...I finally got to meet her husband, Bryan. I felt like I knew him already, but I had never been able to meet him. Now I have! Another very special moment is that Olivia is pregnant and I was able to lay my hands on her belly and pray for this very special and intended life! There is a long story there, but the bottom line is that God is amazingly GOOD and this growing life and healthy Mama are proof! The visit was short, but it was wonderful!
My mom and I got back in the car again. My mom wanted to go find some lunch; I wanted to go drive through campus. All I can say is that it's a little like returning home! So we drove around for a bit and got some food. It was nice to have a break from driving on the highway. We didn't take long and then we finished the rest of the stretch back to Austin. We pulled up into my drive-way right around 8:30 in the evening. My poor Mom. Even after getting me unloaded, she still had to make a 20 minute drive home and unload all of her stuff!
All in all, it was a great trip! There were no major incidences, no car problems, and a lot of good time for my mom and I to talk and catch up. I learned some things about her that I never knew...and I think she may have learned some things about me, too! I got to see a lot of people that I love and haven't been able to see in a long time. One sad part was that because it was spring break, most of my cousins were away. So of the 28 family members that live near-by, I only got to see 8. But it was still very much worth it! Now I get to recover!
Yesterday, I didn't leave the house. In fact, I didn't leave my pajamas! I just rested and stayed low-key. Today I am moving slowly, but have to get myself cleaned up to go run some errands and go to work tonight. It will happen. But right now, I think I might go take a nap. =)
Thursday, March 3, 2011
I have once again gone on a hiatus from blog-writing. Not sure why...just haven't gotten around to it???
Tonight I went back and read the last several things I have written and got inspired to jot down a few more ramblings. Tonight's entry is more of a vent. My day was...
The truth is that today was a rough day. Really, this week has just been a bit more than I want to deal with. There has been roommate arguing, getting thrown up on, house-hold repair issues, temper tantrums, pain, and so much more. I get so tired of disagreeing and trying to make things right, yet I seem to be stuck in this loop with one of my roommates in particular. It's just down-right yucky! And my attitude stinks, which really doesn't help us out! I wish that I could just figure out how to set the reset button. It has to exist somewhere! But alas, I can not find it! Take this drama and add in the general life stuff that often feels over-wheming, and that is where I am. Plus I have also had to up the prednisone I take for RA ... I feel like there is a lion roaring inside of me and fighting to get out and tear up anything it doesn't like! I really do feel like I am about to jump out of my skin sometimes. I hate it! Then, about half-way through work today I got a horrid migraine. I haven't had one that bad in a while. I was able to choke it back pretty well, but I almost didn't make it home from work because I was so disoriented! I came home, ate, drugged, rested. Much better! Tomorrow I am babysitting and hoping and praying for a much better new day! I'm also hoping that my body levels out from these medication issues.
I know I probably sound like a little complainy-whiny Lynn. I am! At least sometimes I am. And sometimes - like now - I don't want to add in the silver-lining spin. I just want to feel a little bit sorry for myself. OK... I'm done.
Thank you, Lord that your mercies are in fact new EACH day!! I thank you for the blessing of today and ask for forgiveness for the places where my flesh keeps me from receiving the mercies you have for me! I pray for sweet, peaceful rest. And I pray that I will remember to be grateful throughout my day tomorrow. For YOU are my daily bread!
Tonight I went back and read the last several things I have written and got inspired to jot down a few more ramblings. Tonight's entry is more of a vent. My day was...
The truth is that today was a rough day. Really, this week has just been a bit more than I want to deal with. There has been roommate arguing, getting thrown up on, house-hold repair issues, temper tantrums, pain, and so much more. I get so tired of disagreeing and trying to make things right, yet I seem to be stuck in this loop with one of my roommates in particular. It's just down-right yucky! And my attitude stinks, which really doesn't help us out! I wish that I could just figure out how to set the reset button. It has to exist somewhere! But alas, I can not find it! Take this drama and add in the general life stuff that often feels over-wheming, and that is where I am. Plus I have also had to up the prednisone I take for RA ... I feel like there is a lion roaring inside of me and fighting to get out and tear up anything it doesn't like! I really do feel like I am about to jump out of my skin sometimes. I hate it! Then, about half-way through work today I got a horrid migraine. I haven't had one that bad in a while. I was able to choke it back pretty well, but I almost didn't make it home from work because I was so disoriented! I came home, ate, drugged, rested. Much better! Tomorrow I am babysitting and hoping and praying for a much better new day! I'm also hoping that my body levels out from these medication issues.
I know I probably sound like a little complainy-whiny Lynn. I am! At least sometimes I am. And sometimes - like now - I don't want to add in the silver-lining spin. I just want to feel a little bit sorry for myself. OK... I'm done.
Thank you, Lord that your mercies are in fact new EACH day!! I thank you for the blessing of today and ask for forgiveness for the places where my flesh keeps me from receiving the mercies you have for me! I pray for sweet, peaceful rest. And I pray that I will remember to be grateful throughout my day tomorrow. For YOU are my daily bread!
Monday, August 9, 2010
Declaration
This is a small list of the many ways that God has brought healing into my life in this past year. WOW! How amazing is our God, that He is capable so much more that we know or see!
1. Delivered me from the belief that I am my provider.
2. Replaced a spirit of abandonment with security.
3. Healed me of chronic debilitating migraines! Oh yeah!!
4. Removed a spirit of fear...fear that tangled through me in ways I didn't even know...and replaced it with truth of my identity and the authority through Him.
5. Showed me the loving heart of a Father. How a Father loves, provides, disciplines, and embraces His child!
6. Delivered me from un-forgiveness. The Lord has given me the grace and mercy to forgive people who have hurt me and offended me - without even needing them to ask for my forgiveness. This was HUGE! I didn't really know how long the list was of people that I held offense again, until I was able to start forgiving some of the "big" ones.
7. Along with forgiveness, God has freed me to be able to pray for the blessing of His love and hope for my (physical) father. This was honestly the biggest thing that I think has ever happened to me! I haven't been able to pray for this for my father, primarily because I hadn't been able to set him free from the places he had wounded me.
8. God is teaching me how to cry! That may sound dumb to some, but I have never been very good at crying things out. Sometimes you just need to cry. There is something cleansing for the spirit in it. But I haven't been able to. My tendency has been to stop myself as soon as I start to cry. Then eventually there is so much built up that I just spend a good 10 minutes weeping and then crash once or twice a year. Even that 10 minute sob is very hard for me to get out!
9. I've been given a greater humility to acknowledge and ask for forgiveness for ways that I have injured others! This is pretty big, too...it means not only admitting I was wrong, but also declaring that my words or actions hurt someone else.
10. The Lord has brought greater freedom from RA pain and debilitation. I can snap again! And I can clap! I love to just snap and clap away while I am worshiping, because I feel like it is a way of declaring the goodness of God!
Now I call that an awesome testimony! Thank you God, for the blessing of your love! Thank you for teaching me...showing me a greater measure of the love you have for me! Thank you for making me new each day! You amaze me!
This is a small list of the many ways that God has brought healing into my life in this past year. WOW! How amazing is our God, that He is capable so much more that we know or see!
1. Delivered me from the belief that I am my provider.
2. Replaced a spirit of abandonment with security.
3. Healed me of chronic debilitating migraines! Oh yeah!!
4. Removed a spirit of fear...fear that tangled through me in ways I didn't even know...and replaced it with truth of my identity and the authority through Him.
5. Showed me the loving heart of a Father. How a Father loves, provides, disciplines, and embraces His child!
6. Delivered me from un-forgiveness. The Lord has given me the grace and mercy to forgive people who have hurt me and offended me - without even needing them to ask for my forgiveness. This was HUGE! I didn't really know how long the list was of people that I held offense again, until I was able to start forgiving some of the "big" ones.
7. Along with forgiveness, God has freed me to be able to pray for the blessing of His love and hope for my (physical) father. This was honestly the biggest thing that I think has ever happened to me! I haven't been able to pray for this for my father, primarily because I hadn't been able to set him free from the places he had wounded me.
8. God is teaching me how to cry! That may sound dumb to some, but I have never been very good at crying things out. Sometimes you just need to cry. There is something cleansing for the spirit in it. But I haven't been able to. My tendency has been to stop myself as soon as I start to cry. Then eventually there is so much built up that I just spend a good 10 minutes weeping and then crash once or twice a year. Even that 10 minute sob is very hard for me to get out!
9. I've been given a greater humility to acknowledge and ask for forgiveness for ways that I have injured others! This is pretty big, too...it means not only admitting I was wrong, but also declaring that my words or actions hurt someone else.
10. The Lord has brought greater freedom from RA pain and debilitation. I can snap again! And I can clap! I love to just snap and clap away while I am worshiping, because I feel like it is a way of declaring the goodness of God!
Now I call that an awesome testimony! Thank you God, for the blessing of your love! Thank you for teaching me...showing me a greater measure of the love you have for me! Thank you for making me new each day! You amaze me!
Friday, July 30, 2010
A Peaceful finish to a VERY Busy Week
This week has been about the busiest of my life, I think! It was just down-right crazy! It was filled!
I moved yesterday and today into my new place. So of course the week was filled with packing and sorting and all that jazz. If that isn't stressful enough, I also got to deal with boy drama, car problems, five very heavy and emotional conversations, and just general day-to-day life stuff. I would like to say that I handled it all well and floated through the week without incident. That just wouldn't be true! I hate that I still haven't gotten to the point that I can keep one thing from running into another; resulting in greater stress! I just haven't made it that far yet! Progress has definitely been made and for that I am excited and thankful!
This afternoon I returned to the new home with my final load of stuff (except the cleaning stuff that will be getting used tomorrow). I walked into my room, looked at the stacks of boxes and chaos, and just started bawling! I think I just really needed to release the pressure that had built up from the week. I cried so hard that I ended up crashing for a few hours. Much needed rest finally arrived!
I woke up from a very hard sleep and got a wonderful blessing...a friend came over and helped me sort through some of the boxes for an hour or two. We got my bed set up and made, got some stuff arranged in the closet, and made a path for me to get from one side of the room to the other. I felt SO LOVED! It was so amazing to me how much that act meant! It kind-of makes me want to do the same for a friend when I get the chance! I can not begin to say how precious it was to me that she would do that! It wasn't an excessive amount of time, but it was probably the best thing that has happened to me this week...except maybe the morning another friend showed up at my house to help me pack and brought me a Starbucks!
I was just so moved to realize again just how much I really am loved, not only by people but even more-so by God! He knows just what I need and provides! Regardless of how I may feel sometimes, I am not in need. The only reason is because I know that God will provide. He only gives good gifts and he does not withhold good gifts! How amazing...and how true!
This week has been about the busiest of my life, I think! It was just down-right crazy! It was filled!
I moved yesterday and today into my new place. So of course the week was filled with packing and sorting and all that jazz. If that isn't stressful enough, I also got to deal with boy drama, car problems, five very heavy and emotional conversations, and just general day-to-day life stuff. I would like to say that I handled it all well and floated through the week without incident. That just wouldn't be true! I hate that I still haven't gotten to the point that I can keep one thing from running into another; resulting in greater stress! I just haven't made it that far yet! Progress has definitely been made and for that I am excited and thankful!
This afternoon I returned to the new home with my final load of stuff (except the cleaning stuff that will be getting used tomorrow). I walked into my room, looked at the stacks of boxes and chaos, and just started bawling! I think I just really needed to release the pressure that had built up from the week. I cried so hard that I ended up crashing for a few hours. Much needed rest finally arrived!
I woke up from a very hard sleep and got a wonderful blessing...a friend came over and helped me sort through some of the boxes for an hour or two. We got my bed set up and made, got some stuff arranged in the closet, and made a path for me to get from one side of the room to the other. I felt SO LOVED! It was so amazing to me how much that act meant! It kind-of makes me want to do the same for a friend when I get the chance! I can not begin to say how precious it was to me that she would do that! It wasn't an excessive amount of time, but it was probably the best thing that has happened to me this week...except maybe the morning another friend showed up at my house to help me pack and brought me a Starbucks!
I was just so moved to realize again just how much I really am loved, not only by people but even more-so by God! He knows just what I need and provides! Regardless of how I may feel sometimes, I am not in need. The only reason is because I know that God will provide. He only gives good gifts and he does not withhold good gifts! How amazing...and how true!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
My Peace I Bring
My Peace I bring
My Peace I leave
That I may go to my Father
My Peace I bring
My Peace I leave
That I may got the my Father
Peace, Peace
Peace, Peace
Please be still in my Peace
Peace, Peace
Peace Peace
Please be still in my Peace
John 17:26-27
"But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. "
My Peace I bring
My Peace I leave
That I may go to my Father
My Peace I bring
My Peace I leave
That I may got the my Father
Peace, Peace
Peace, Peace
Please be still in my Peace
Peace, Peace
Peace Peace
Please be still in my Peace
John 17:26-27
"But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. "
Monday, July 19, 2010
You Call
You call me Daughter
You call me Friend
You call me Lover
There is no end
To the love you have for me
The love you sing over me
You are my God
You call me Chosen
You call me Planned
You call me Destined
There is no end
To the love you have for me
The love you sing over me
You are my God
You are my Maker
You are my King
You are my Savior
My Everything
I kneel down before you
I fall at your feet
I worship you in awe
All I want
Is to praise your name
All I want
Is to see your face
I rise up to follow
And chase after you
I stand up because you call
You call me Daughter
You call me Friend
You call me Lover
There is no end
To the love you have for me
The love you sing over me.
The love have for me
The love you sing over me
You are my God
You are my God
You call me Daughter
You call me Friend
You call me Lover
There is no end
To the love you have for me
The love you sing over me
You are my God
You call me Chosen
You call me Planned
You call me Destined
There is no end
To the love you have for me
The love you sing over me
You are my God
You are my Maker
You are my King
You are my Savior
My Everything
I kneel down before you
I fall at your feet
I worship you in awe
All I want
Is to praise your name
All I want
Is to see your face
I rise up to follow
And chase after you
I stand up because you call
You call me Daughter
You call me Friend
You call me Lover
There is no end
To the love you have for me
The love you sing over me.
The love have for me
The love you sing over me
You are my God
You are my God
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Last Night
There is SO very much for me to write. See, writing is one of the primary ways that God gave me to communicate what is in my heart. But with that blessing and gift also come a responsibility that I do not maintain well. I find that when life is moving along at a steady but manageable pace I can write well and often. When life throws along the curve balls, however, I freeze! This is seen very much in my writing. It will stop for months at a time. There will be a few blips here and there where I am trying to make something happen and change, but by far my hands stay silent.
I am very much an "internal" processor. I told one of my close friends one day, "What can I say? I'm a PC, not a Mac." She thought it was cute, but something leaped in me to say that it was ok to be a PC...I just need to catch up to the PCs of today and get away from the 1970's giant processor that took all day to spit out one neat fact!
All of this said to say that I have been doing a lot of analyzing and processing without putting much out in the real world to say what's going on. As I mentioned in my most recent post, this year has been HUGE for me! On the surface it may seem like I have checked out, but inside...man oh man has furniture been moving around! My insides look entirely different...and the joy is that I know more is coming. I know that God will do what He wants with what I allow Him! I want to allow Him more!
So, as unexpected as last night was...I am so very thankful for all that happened! It would take me six hours and a 1000 page novel to really pour out everything that has taken place. I don't want to bore my readers or loose the true facts of what has happened so I am attempting to consolidate. Stories are important to me, as my dearest friends know. So this is a challenge!
The bottom line is that after the work that has been done over the last year and the victory of last night, God has more ownership in my life than I can ever remember Him having! There are things in my heart that have been my closest and most reliable companions that keep the Lord from really accomplishing all that He created me for! Things like fear, resentment, anger, bitterness, hatred, and the all-important unforgiveness. These spirits have been with me so long that I didn't even know how to really let go of them. They were nestled in places of my heart that I didn't even know could be accessed! Last night, God had the victory of pulling these things out of the depths of my being and replacing them with the truths that He has for me in their stead.
Here are some of the truths that were made known...that were realized in a new and fresh way last night.
1) I do not want to be a slave to fear! I am a mighty warrior for the Lord God Almighty. I no longer bow to fear, but stand with my head held high before my King, Jesus! It is done…fear no longer reigns!
2) Bitterness, anger, resentment, hatred, and unforgiveness are not my companions! They are death. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). These are some of his greatest weapons used, because we feel justified and somehow comforted in believing that we have rights to carry these. The truth of the Lord is that these weapons are bred from pride. Psalm 10:4 declares, "In his pride the wicked does not seek him (God); in all his thoughts there is no room for God." I don't like that this scripture applies to me. I like to set myself in the category of "righteous" not "wicked". I know however that my righteousness ONLY comes from the blood of Jesus! When I am walking along with my companions as the weapons of the enemy, I am not abiding in the righteousness of Christ. The Lord wants me to lay my pride down and trade in the weapons that the enemy has given me. His hearts desire is that I would know my righteousness - and that instead of allowing these tactics of the enemy to be my companions I would welcome His truth! In that truth, the fruit of Holy Spirit is bred; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. (See Galatians 5:6-23)
3) I need to welcome sorrow into my life to truly experience the Joy that Father desires for me! This may sound strange to some. I am not saying that we all need to gather around and conjure up a cry-fest and then afterward we will mysteriously find joy. What Father is showing me is that there are many places in my heart that have been shut off to feeling the grief and loss that I need to feel for true healing of those places to occur. It isn't until I experience the grief in my heart (sorrow) that I will really be set free of the bondage that occurs. The picture given to me about this was an ATM. Strange, yes...but it made sense to my heart! An ATM works on the principle of being able to take out what you have already put in. You can't take out what you don't have. And furthermore, you will only get interest on what you have invested! Several places in scripture discuss the Lord replacing our sorrow with His joy. One of my favorites is Psalm 30. The whole chapter is worth meditating over, but below are verses 5b and 11-12.
“Sorrow may last for a night, but His joy comes in the morning. You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!”
So, last night I entered into a new place of freedom! Thank you Mighty Jesus! It isn't that these things just came to me and my thinking was changed. No! These things happened and my heart was changed! Somehow in the way that only God can do it, He conquered territory in my heart that I have never really been able to give Him by myself! He didn't steal it, either. He waited...and waited...and waited until I was ready to allow Him to move! He is so good! And He does all things well!
Friday, July 9, 2010
Living in Obedience...or at least Trying (Part One)
Life really is a journey; one that we can't always plan or predict. Proverbs 16:9 says, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Again in Proverbs 19:21 we read, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."
I have made many plans in the last couple of years. I have even made them with the intent of following the paths that God lays out for me. Somehow these "plans" have not always been fulfilled the way I expected. This past year has been…well…I don’t know what to call it! Here is the journey I have been on...the good, bad, pretty, and ugly! Through it I have learned a LOT and I know the learning is not over! I thank the Lord that despite the plans I make, His plans prevail!
In the spring of 2008, I began feeling like the Lord was opening the door for me to leave the job I was at...working as a Cancer Information Specialist with the American Cancer Society. I found a lot of satisfaction in my job, but I also bore a lot of sorrow that was not mine to carry! It was taking a toll on my health. I suffered chronic migraines, had restless sleep due to frequent job-related dreams, and the compassion that I typically had for people was growing thin. Several people in my life were noticing the effects that this job had on me and were counseling me to look for different work. I had a hard time doing that, because I felt like it was God who made a way for me to be there and I didn't know if what I was there for was complete. So, I started asking Him to let me know if it was time to move on.
I felt the movement of release from my job. But I didn't know what I was going to do! I thought about nursing school, completing a degree in Theology, or something else "school" related. Nothing seemed to "fit" at the moment. I continued along for quite a while in this place of my heart not really being in the day-to-day motions that I was living through. I was also dealing with a lot of health issues that really interfered with my ability to focus on anything outside of what was happening in the moment. I knew I was ready to leave, I just didn't know what to leave for!
In September, a prophetic word was spoken over me at church. I knew as soon as I heard it that the Lord was clarifying for me that not only was I ready to quit my job, He was ready for me to quit. That was pretty terrifying for me! After all, my job is the way I pay my bills, buy my food, and at the time much more important provided for medical expenses. My job was my security and my provision.
I went through that year at work, constantly feeling like I was in a place that I didn't belong. Work was fine. But underneath it all, in my heart of hearts, I knew I was disobeying the Lord. It was very hard to stomach! I was living in bondage, not freedom! And I will add, that the bondage I was in was because my view of what kept me safe was VERY skewed! Once again, I saw my job as my security and my provision. Without work, I would fall off the edge of a cliff and that would be the end! I was not going to quit my job until I had a clear picture of what it was I would be doing next. I told God this on multiple occasions. I even yelled at Him one night telling Him that what He was asking was unfair and that I WOULD NOT do what He was asking until I had another job! I sent out at least 60 resumes/applications throughout the year and got not one job offer! That had never happened to me, and I was taking it personally!
In the spring of 2009, now a year after all this began, I received another prophetic word, this one was very clear to the person delivering it as well as me; I was to quit my job. I couldn't do it! I didn't trust God enough to meet my every need. Despite the fact that during this time He had provided very inexpensive housing for me, provided a car, and surrounded me with people who would support me in the decision to leave. I could not bring myself to obey!
I started looking at options that would offer a "clause" to the leaving a job with no other job lined up and not having the savings needed to survive without work. As I mentioned, I had thought about going to a school of theology. I wanted more understanding of the heart of God and the destiny that He set in motion when He created me! I wanted to know what it was to live on the edge and trust that God will keep me from falling. So I applied to Bethel, a non-accredited school of Biblical Studies in California. I was VERY excited about going! I put my notice in at work and a wave of peace and release came over me. I had finally listened to the Lord...or had I? What had He been asking of me? Was it just about quitting my job? NO. It was about allowing Him to be my provision and my security. These were two things that I just didn’t trust Him to be!
I found out just two weeks before I was going to move to California that I didn't get accepted to Bethel. I was heart-broken. That doesn't even begin to encompass what was happening in my heart! My plan had failed! I was now living in a temporary housing situation that was to end in a few weeks, had quit my job, and my heart was in the pit of rejection! I was terrified! What had God done? Why had He asked me to take the steps I had been taking? Why didn't I get accepted? What was I going to do now? These and many more questions swarmed in my head! I was so "lost" in this time that I had my doctor prescribe anti-depressants just so I could carry myself through each day. I couldn't think clearly, I couldn't feel clearly, and sometimes I couldn't breathe clearly!
When I found out I didn’t get accepted to Bethel, my supervisor at work told me that if I wanted to keep my job they would welcome me back. I just needed to make the decision within two days. A blessing. Right? Well, the thing is that I KNOW that what the Lord had asked of me was to leave my job. That was ultimately my primary reason for applying to Bethel. It was the clause. If I left going to something, then I wasn't being irresponsible by leaving my job without another lined up. I knew the sense of relief and peace that came over me when I turned in my resignation. And I knew the excitement that was in my heart of getting to do something different than talking about cancer all day! I had experienced the first part of obedience and I didn't want to go back on that. On the flip-side of that truth, I also didn't feel like I could justify not taking my job back. It had been offered to me; without consequence of my intent to leave. I didn't feel like I could justify being jobless and living in someone's home as a guest, knowing that I could have done something to at least keep my job. The torment of making this decision (and in two days none-the-less) was horrific! I decided that 1) I could always quit again if I felt like I should and 2) they were about to go through lay-offs and if I got laid off instead of quitting I could at least have access to continued health care options. Whereas those are both valid thoughts, I am here to say that choosing to disobey the Lord just because we think we can justify it is wrong! It is still disobedience!
I kept my job and the following few months were some of the hardest and most difficult that I have ever experienced! They did go through lay-offs, but I kept my job. Some might declare this as a blessing. I didn’t. I was still living in fear of what could happen if I obeyed the Lord and fear of what would happen if I didn't. That was the spiritual side. On the practical side...when many people are laid off, the workload feels much heavier to those that are left behind! I may have had a job, but I was miserable!
In January, I finally decided that I could not keep running. The Lord was not changing what He had asked of me! The Lord was still urging me to see my security and provision in Him, not in the American Cancer Society! I turned in my resignation and left after almost 5 years of working for the same company. It was a bitter-sweet parting! I really did love the work I did. I was good at it. I made a difference in someone's life each and every day that I was there. Now, what was I leaving to? I had no clue! And I would be lying through my teeth if I said I was anything but frightened of what was to come!
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