As I was driving to work this morning, I was listening to an account on 105.9 about how worship music has made an impact on one particular individual. I started reflecting on all that has happened in the past year or so and how my hearts desire in the good and in the bad truly is to worship God.
This past year has probably been one of the hardest in my adult life so far. There has been tremendous loss, heart break, health concerns, loneliness, and questions of my value in others' lives. There has also recently been a heart-wrenching (but very heart-healing) adventure to encounter new freedoms from old pains. But through it all, my go-to is worshiping at the feet of the Lord.
I have said it before - transparency is hard. I try. But really, I am terribly afraid of other people's opinions and possible rejection. And so, I keep most things hidden away inside of my heart. I don't think that it is the healthiest thing for a heart - and really it isn't the easiest - but it is a process that I am working through. On my bathroom mirror I have written, "My value is not found in the opinions of other's, but in knowing who and whose I am." I need to read this each day, to keep my heart focused on the truth. So, because I think it will be good for my own soul, I am going to write about some of the challenges of my journey over the past year and a half.
Loneliness: I feel like there is a vital piece of me missing! I am alone. Most all of my friends have moved away from the Austin area over the past year. I am not "attached" to any community. My day consists of caring for wonderful children, but there is not really any adult camaraderie. I have a church, but it is not a church home. I go, I worship, I listen, I leave. I have a couple of friends, but do not feel connected or know HOW to feel connected -- it isn't organic for me. And as the days go on, my soul longs more and more for a help-mate.
Grief: As I mentioned, many friends have moved away and there has been a need to mourn the loss of having someone to be with me ... to get coffee, have a fun shopping day, cook a meal, or just hang out with. I mostly do these things alone now, and it just isn't as much fun. In addition to friends moving, my oldest sister -- my very best friend in this world -- also moved ... to Arizona. I miss her so much! Sure we talk, but I miss "Baby Sister Day", sister hugs, and lazy Sunday afternoon movies with her and her husband. And from that list, I think it's the hugs that I miss the most. To add to this sadness, in April (almost one year ago) my dear Grandfather (Mom's Dad) passed away and then less than six months later my Grandmother (Father's Mom) passed away. She was my last living grandparent, and having her pass away made my heart feel so very empty. And grief does not limit itself to the loss of relationships - I have also grieved health issues, childhood pain, and other "losses".
Health: My battle continues. 7 years ago I had debilitating migraines, severe pain, loss of ability to move properly, and a myriad of other "symptoms" that made no sense. With many doctors looking at me like I was either insane, excessively needy, or just a hypochondriac; I continued to pursue "figuring out" what was "wrong" with me. Finally, I said the right combination of things to the right doctor (who by the way had encouragingly and repeatedly told me that he would not give up on me) and a diagnosis came in the summer of 2007 -- Advanced Rheumatoid Arthritis with organ involvement (or what the Dr. refers to as Lupus Tendency). I immediately went into a rigorous treatment plan involving some horrible medications. Shortly after the diagnosis of RA, came the addition of Celiac Sprue Disease. And shortly after that, my list of food allergies began to exponentially multiply. Although this all occurred over a long period of time, my body has continued to attack itself to the point that last year the proverbial rug got pulled out from underneath me. I do not have health insurance and because of that, once I got to a "maintenance" point in RA treatment, I stopped taking most all prescription medications. There was an immense amount of provision from the Lord to get me to this point and I do not in any way want to discredit the miraculous thing that this was! However, a little over a year ago I had an injury to my neck that led to a herniated disc. Treatment began for this, but I was in an overwhelming amount of pain - which led to additional flare-ups of RA, which led to additional joint damage and fatigue, which led to a further compromised immune system, which led to an additional need for medications... And so the saga goes! I have been doing my very best to manage my health, but I feel extraordinarily limited. I am in pain - both physical and emotional - and I am weary!
Finances: Isn't it always the case that we could think of a thousand ways to spend just a little extra money? I am always very reticent to mention finances because I want to be sensitive to my readers. And even more-so, it is very important to me to have a grateful heart! The challenge is that I also want to be able to be honest about where I need prayer, support, and a greater measure of faith! This is it. And very very honestly, health is the largest financial fight that I have! I have been amazingly blessed several times this past year in the way of finances. In part because of this, I don't stress about money nearly as much as I once did. I have learned that somehow it usually works out. :) Having said that, I do still experience stress here. There has not been a single month in the past year that I haven't needed financial support in some way. I HATE IT!!! I am a very independent person AND I really do want to be a self-supporting real-life grown up! Not to mention I feel like I am not able to prepare for the future because I am so financially caught in the moment.
So where does that bring me? First of all, please do not read this and think that I have forgotten all of the good things this year has brought. There has been much to rejoice over and thank the Lord for! And that is where this started! Through all of this pain and misery, I find myself lost in worship! When my heart aches, I am before the Lord seeking comfort. When I am overwhelmed with gratitude, I am in His presence declaring His might and faithfulness!
And through it all I can smile, laugh, rest, and declare that God is good...ALL THE TIME!
Showing posts with label RA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label RA. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Healing...
Healing is exactly what I am crying out for!
Please stick with me for a moment while I complain and explain. And then I will move on.
I have a growing list of food allergies (about 32 at current count), multiple auto-immune disorders, and am about 120 pounds overweight. I am constantly fatigued, feel as though my brain is always going at light-speed in 40 different directions, and sustain myself on a VERY limited diet. For years now, my diet has been almost 100% gluten, dairy, yeast, preservative, and egg free. This past year peanuts, mushrooms, strawberries, a multitude of spices, and several different types of fish got added into that mix. I even had to go without lettuce...yes I did just say lettuce...for six months and can now sporadically eat it with limited problems.
In an attempt to manage and reduce food allergies, I have done restricted, elimination, and rotation diets. In hope that my body would "reset", I even attempted a vegan diet...for about two weeks. But I soon realized that due to hunger and low blood sugar I was pretty much chewing up and spitting out every person that crossed my path, so I abandoned this experiment.
Through all of this, my food allergy list has grown, my diet has become more limited, and my weight has stayed the same.
I try to prepare most of my meals at home, from scratch to monitor the ingredients I am using. Going out to eat is ALWAYS an adventure, so I tend to not stray from the places I know. Whenever I do choose to go out, I feel like a super-pest because I am asking for a manager, requesting my food to be prepared in a separate pan with no seasonings, no sauces, and a very watchful eye to ensure that nothing touches it that could possibly contaminate it with a single speck of gluten, msg, peanuts, or any other enemies of my immune system. Then when I get my food, I carefully inspect it to make sure I don't see any possible culprits for anaphylaxis, eczema, migraines, or wrenching stomach pains. After confirming that everything was prepared just so, I PRAY PRAY PRAY that I will not have any food reactions this time.
I am not content! I do not like things the way they are. I want something different!
There are so many amazing and wonderful things about myself and in my life that I LOVE. But there are these few things that on occasion just leave me feeling absolutely, utterly, overwhelmingly DEFEATED!
And the only response that I have is to cry out to Jesus for healing to materialize. I ask for more faith to expect to see the revolutionary, transforming power of God in my life! I look to Him and declare that on my own I am weak, helpless, and so very desperately in need of seeing, feeling, and hearing His love for me! I know that I carry in me the most powerful and amazing thing in this world! I carry the power of Christ.
I know there are so many of us who are crying out for healing for one thing or another, so I ask the Lord to pour it down on us! For myself, I ask for healing from food issues, a wonky immune system, and the fear that I will somehow never be everything that the Lord created me to be. For ALL of the brokenness in my life, I ask; because I NEED HEALING!
Please stick with me for a moment while I complain and explain. And then I will move on.
I have a growing list of food allergies (about 32 at current count), multiple auto-immune disorders, and am about 120 pounds overweight. I am constantly fatigued, feel as though my brain is always going at light-speed in 40 different directions, and sustain myself on a VERY limited diet. For years now, my diet has been almost 100% gluten, dairy, yeast, preservative, and egg free. This past year peanuts, mushrooms, strawberries, a multitude of spices, and several different types of fish got added into that mix. I even had to go without lettuce...yes I did just say lettuce...for six months and can now sporadically eat it with limited problems.
In an attempt to manage and reduce food allergies, I have done restricted, elimination, and rotation diets. In hope that my body would "reset", I even attempted a vegan diet...for about two weeks. But I soon realized that due to hunger and low blood sugar I was pretty much chewing up and spitting out every person that crossed my path, so I abandoned this experiment.
Through all of this, my food allergy list has grown, my diet has become more limited, and my weight has stayed the same.
I try to prepare most of my meals at home, from scratch to monitor the ingredients I am using. Going out to eat is ALWAYS an adventure, so I tend to not stray from the places I know. Whenever I do choose to go out, I feel like a super-pest because I am asking for a manager, requesting my food to be prepared in a separate pan with no seasonings, no sauces, and a very watchful eye to ensure that nothing touches it that could possibly contaminate it with a single speck of gluten, msg, peanuts, or any other enemies of my immune system. Then when I get my food, I carefully inspect it to make sure I don't see any possible culprits for anaphylaxis, eczema, migraines, or wrenching stomach pains. After confirming that everything was prepared just so, I PRAY PRAY PRAY that I will not have any food reactions this time.
I am not content! I do not like things the way they are. I want something different!
There are so many amazing and wonderful things about myself and in my life that I LOVE. But there are these few things that on occasion just leave me feeling absolutely, utterly, overwhelmingly DEFEATED!
And the only response that I have is to cry out to Jesus for healing to materialize. I ask for more faith to expect to see the revolutionary, transforming power of God in my life! I look to Him and declare that on my own I am weak, helpless, and so very desperately in need of seeing, feeling, and hearing His love for me! I know that I carry in me the most powerful and amazing thing in this world! I carry the power of Christ.
I know there are so many of us who are crying out for healing for one thing or another, so I ask the Lord to pour it down on us! For myself, I ask for healing from food issues, a wonky immune system, and the fear that I will somehow never be everything that the Lord created me to be. For ALL of the brokenness in my life, I ask; because I NEED HEALING!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
ENERGY!! NEED...MORE...ENERGY!!!!!
Today I am once again reminded of the reality of living with auto-immune issues. I am not complaining...at least I'm trying not to.
I have been running myself pretty hard lately, and the true reality is that going at light speed will catch up with anyone. It just happens to catch up to me in the form of being a lethargic slug who winces at the thought of movement. And, it doesn't usually hit at the most convenient of times - as anyone who deals with auto-immune disorders can tell you. In fact, it tends to be that the times we are reminded that we do in fact have limits that need to be respected are the very same moments that we anticipate needing all of our faculties in top-order.
I have just come off of working three very long weeks in preparation for Holy Week children's services. I think I have logged in somewhere very close to 80 hours of work each of those three weeks. This weekend, I spend Saturday and the majority of Sunday in bed trying to refill the energy tank. Yesterday I felt fairly restored and headed into a 11 hour work day with an additional 3 hours of play. I had a wonderful day. I slept fairly well last night and got a good 7 hours of sleep. But, this morning when I tried to rise out of bed I felt it. Every last joint in my body seemed to be screaming out in fire. And today, as I have been trying to press hard through work, I seem to be so completely fatigued that I can't even muster up the energy to go refill my water bottle. If only I could just go home, but alas I can't. There are still 7 very long hours left in this work day for me!
I just pray for the peace and grace of the Lord. And, that He would meet me and carry me through the rest of this day. This is also a reminder to me to pray for my many friends who are dealing with similar things. I pray for strength, rest, and super-natural energy for each of them. You know who you are! ;)
Today I am once again reminded of the reality of living with auto-immune issues. I am not complaining...at least I'm trying not to.
I have been running myself pretty hard lately, and the true reality is that going at light speed will catch up with anyone. It just happens to catch up to me in the form of being a lethargic slug who winces at the thought of movement. And, it doesn't usually hit at the most convenient of times - as anyone who deals with auto-immune disorders can tell you. In fact, it tends to be that the times we are reminded that we do in fact have limits that need to be respected are the very same moments that we anticipate needing all of our faculties in top-order.
I have just come off of working three very long weeks in preparation for Holy Week children's services. I think I have logged in somewhere very close to 80 hours of work each of those three weeks. This weekend, I spend Saturday and the majority of Sunday in bed trying to refill the energy tank. Yesterday I felt fairly restored and headed into a 11 hour work day with an additional 3 hours of play. I had a wonderful day. I slept fairly well last night and got a good 7 hours of sleep. But, this morning when I tried to rise out of bed I felt it. Every last joint in my body seemed to be screaming out in fire. And today, as I have been trying to press hard through work, I seem to be so completely fatigued that I can't even muster up the energy to go refill my water bottle. If only I could just go home, but alas I can't. There are still 7 very long hours left in this work day for me!
I just pray for the peace and grace of the Lord. And, that He would meet me and carry me through the rest of this day. This is also a reminder to me to pray for my many friends who are dealing with similar things. I pray for strength, rest, and super-natural energy for each of them. You know who you are! ;)
Monday, August 9, 2010
Declaration
This is a small list of the many ways that God has brought healing into my life in this past year. WOW! How amazing is our God, that He is capable so much more that we know or see!
1. Delivered me from the belief that I am my provider.
2. Replaced a spirit of abandonment with security.
3. Healed me of chronic debilitating migraines! Oh yeah!!
4. Removed a spirit of fear...fear that tangled through me in ways I didn't even know...and replaced it with truth of my identity and the authority through Him.
5. Showed me the loving heart of a Father. How a Father loves, provides, disciplines, and embraces His child!
6. Delivered me from un-forgiveness. The Lord has given me the grace and mercy to forgive people who have hurt me and offended me - without even needing them to ask for my forgiveness. This was HUGE! I didn't really know how long the list was of people that I held offense again, until I was able to start forgiving some of the "big" ones.
7. Along with forgiveness, God has freed me to be able to pray for the blessing of His love and hope for my (physical) father. This was honestly the biggest thing that I think has ever happened to me! I haven't been able to pray for this for my father, primarily because I hadn't been able to set him free from the places he had wounded me.
8. God is teaching me how to cry! That may sound dumb to some, but I have never been very good at crying things out. Sometimes you just need to cry. There is something cleansing for the spirit in it. But I haven't been able to. My tendency has been to stop myself as soon as I start to cry. Then eventually there is so much built up that I just spend a good 10 minutes weeping and then crash once or twice a year. Even that 10 minute sob is very hard for me to get out!
9. I've been given a greater humility to acknowledge and ask for forgiveness for ways that I have injured others! This is pretty big, too...it means not only admitting I was wrong, but also declaring that my words or actions hurt someone else.
10. The Lord has brought greater freedom from RA pain and debilitation. I can snap again! And I can clap! I love to just snap and clap away while I am worshiping, because I feel like it is a way of declaring the goodness of God!
Now I call that an awesome testimony! Thank you God, for the blessing of your love! Thank you for teaching me...showing me a greater measure of the love you have for me! Thank you for making me new each day! You amaze me!
This is a small list of the many ways that God has brought healing into my life in this past year. WOW! How amazing is our God, that He is capable so much more that we know or see!
1. Delivered me from the belief that I am my provider.
2. Replaced a spirit of abandonment with security.
3. Healed me of chronic debilitating migraines! Oh yeah!!
4. Removed a spirit of fear...fear that tangled through me in ways I didn't even know...and replaced it with truth of my identity and the authority through Him.
5. Showed me the loving heart of a Father. How a Father loves, provides, disciplines, and embraces His child!
6. Delivered me from un-forgiveness. The Lord has given me the grace and mercy to forgive people who have hurt me and offended me - without even needing them to ask for my forgiveness. This was HUGE! I didn't really know how long the list was of people that I held offense again, until I was able to start forgiving some of the "big" ones.
7. Along with forgiveness, God has freed me to be able to pray for the blessing of His love and hope for my (physical) father. This was honestly the biggest thing that I think has ever happened to me! I haven't been able to pray for this for my father, primarily because I hadn't been able to set him free from the places he had wounded me.
8. God is teaching me how to cry! That may sound dumb to some, but I have never been very good at crying things out. Sometimes you just need to cry. There is something cleansing for the spirit in it. But I haven't been able to. My tendency has been to stop myself as soon as I start to cry. Then eventually there is so much built up that I just spend a good 10 minutes weeping and then crash once or twice a year. Even that 10 minute sob is very hard for me to get out!
9. I've been given a greater humility to acknowledge and ask for forgiveness for ways that I have injured others! This is pretty big, too...it means not only admitting I was wrong, but also declaring that my words or actions hurt someone else.
10. The Lord has brought greater freedom from RA pain and debilitation. I can snap again! And I can clap! I love to just snap and clap away while I am worshiping, because I feel like it is a way of declaring the goodness of God!
Now I call that an awesome testimony! Thank you God, for the blessing of your love! Thank you for teaching me...showing me a greater measure of the love you have for me! Thank you for making me new each day! You amaze me!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Stop or Go?
Moving day No.1 is just 5 days away. There are empty boxes stacked up against the wall outside of my bedroom and a smattering of packed boxes here and there in my room. There are stray pieces of furniture that didn't sell at the garage sale in the living room, my bedroom, and in the laundry room. My closet still has clothes in it. My filing cabinet - which is staying where I have been living - is still full. I have 1/3 of my books packed. My movies are packed away, but the box is left open just in case I need something to entertain me while I pack away the rest.
I woke up yesterday morning for work and felt like a load of bricks had fallen all over my body - and I had swallowed a drawer full of knives. I think the stress got to me! I had a horrid headache, my stomach was sick, my throat was very sore, and by all of the joints in my body were stiff and screaming at me for trying to move! I couldn't miss work, so I got ready and showed up. I looked at our PTO log and saw that we had several available spots for the next few days, so I requested some time off! I now have today, tomorrow, and Thursday off. I got home from work yesterday at 3:00 and crashed! I slept hard for a few hours, woke up and made dinner, went back to sleep. I woke up today at about 9:00 - for a total of about 16 hours of sleep. My throat and tummy feel a bit better, but I still have a headache and body ache!
I know I have a TON to do, but I am tempted to just take it easy today so that I feel more like pushing hard tomorrow and Thursday. We'll see what happens! A few days ago, I posted on facebook that my Things to Do list was now 7 pages long...correction...it is now 9! I just keep thinking that once I get moved a HUGE step will be done!! Then I can focus on support letters, meeting with people, and gearing myself up for moving again! =)
At least I now have a wonderful home for my sweet cats! I am blown away by the amazing provision of God in this! A family I know from church offered to take all three of my cats for me! They already have two cats of their own - and a little boy (who is super sweet and adorable!) They are such a sweet family! I know they are going to love and bless my babies so well! I can rest in knowing that they will be well cared for!
Moving day No.1 is just 5 days away. There are empty boxes stacked up against the wall outside of my bedroom and a smattering of packed boxes here and there in my room. There are stray pieces of furniture that didn't sell at the garage sale in the living room, my bedroom, and in the laundry room. My closet still has clothes in it. My filing cabinet - which is staying where I have been living - is still full. I have 1/3 of my books packed. My movies are packed away, but the box is left open just in case I need something to entertain me while I pack away the rest.
I woke up yesterday morning for work and felt like a load of bricks had fallen all over my body - and I had swallowed a drawer full of knives. I think the stress got to me! I had a horrid headache, my stomach was sick, my throat was very sore, and by all of the joints in my body were stiff and screaming at me for trying to move! I couldn't miss work, so I got ready and showed up. I looked at our PTO log and saw that we had several available spots for the next few days, so I requested some time off! I now have today, tomorrow, and Thursday off. I got home from work yesterday at 3:00 and crashed! I slept hard for a few hours, woke up and made dinner, went back to sleep. I woke up today at about 9:00 - for a total of about 16 hours of sleep. My throat and tummy feel a bit better, but I still have a headache and body ache!
I know I have a TON to do, but I am tempted to just take it easy today so that I feel more like pushing hard tomorrow and Thursday. We'll see what happens! A few days ago, I posted on facebook that my Things to Do list was now 7 pages long...correction...it is now 9! I just keep thinking that once I get moved a HUGE step will be done!! Then I can focus on support letters, meeting with people, and gearing myself up for moving again! =)
At least I now have a wonderful home for my sweet cats! I am blown away by the amazing provision of God in this! A family I know from church offered to take all three of my cats for me! They already have two cats of their own - and a little boy (who is super sweet and adorable!) They are such a sweet family! I know they are going to love and bless my babies so well! I can rest in knowing that they will be well cared for!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
What I Need
I am not someone that tends to need a lot of hand-holding and encouragement. In fact, I tend to get annoyed with people when they offer too much of it. I am, quite often to my own detriment, very independent! I do not do well at asking for help or receiving it; even when I am desperate! I do need a little bit of encouragement - a "you can do it" "way to go" or "that's awesome" every now and then! I'm not saying that I don't want to hear that. If you say those kind of things to me, please don't stop!
I do however recognize that I am in a place and time where I need more encouragement than I usually do. Specifically encouragement in strength! I have been feeling very weak and tired lately! My energy supply is low, my resistance to adjusting is high! I was realizing last night that with the lack of energy I have had, I feel like less of a person! I feel like I am not as qualified for very basic things - and when I say qualified I mean it in a heart sense! I am not moping, but I do feel like I have been somehow robbed by this illness and the medications that I have been taking!
Sometimes I feel really angry, but at what? RA? Shots? Doctors? Blood work? Fatigue? Financial struggles? I don't really know what to blame...or who!!! I could blame satan, myself, or even God. I don't really think that any of those would be rightfully placed! I think they would just be places to lay anger! What I want is relief! Relief from pain, fatigue, fear, and everything else negative that has taken root since this diagnosis was made! I really do want God to be glorified in same way, but I also want to just live life! Was this part of the plan? I don't know that I can answer that, and honestly I don't know that I want the answer right now! Either way the question is answered, it has the potential for cataclysmic impact!
So, what I need is encouragement! Encouragement in strength! I was reading some of my favorite scriptures today, and amazingly enough they are all encouragement in strength! Here are a few!
"He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak. Even youths will become exhausted and young men will give up. But those who wait on the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:29-31
"So be strong and take courage, all you who hope in the LORD" Psalm 31:24
"But now, O Israel, the LORD who created you says, 'Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you, I have call you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.'" Isaiah 43:1-2
"He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength." Psalm 23:2-3a
Please, send me more! I would love to see what some of your favorite strength-encouragements are!
I am not someone that tends to need a lot of hand-holding and encouragement. In fact, I tend to get annoyed with people when they offer too much of it. I am, quite often to my own detriment, very independent! I do not do well at asking for help or receiving it; even when I am desperate! I do need a little bit of encouragement - a "you can do it" "way to go" or "that's awesome" every now and then! I'm not saying that I don't want to hear that. If you say those kind of things to me, please don't stop!
I do however recognize that I am in a place and time where I need more encouragement than I usually do. Specifically encouragement in strength! I have been feeling very weak and tired lately! My energy supply is low, my resistance to adjusting is high! I was realizing last night that with the lack of energy I have had, I feel like less of a person! I feel like I am not as qualified for very basic things - and when I say qualified I mean it in a heart sense! I am not moping, but I do feel like I have been somehow robbed by this illness and the medications that I have been taking!
Sometimes I feel really angry, but at what? RA? Shots? Doctors? Blood work? Fatigue? Financial struggles? I don't really know what to blame...or who!!! I could blame satan, myself, or even God. I don't really think that any of those would be rightfully placed! I think they would just be places to lay anger! What I want is relief! Relief from pain, fatigue, fear, and everything else negative that has taken root since this diagnosis was made! I really do want God to be glorified in same way, but I also want to just live life! Was this part of the plan? I don't know that I can answer that, and honestly I don't know that I want the answer right now! Either way the question is answered, it has the potential for cataclysmic impact!
So, what I need is encouragement! Encouragement in strength! I was reading some of my favorite scriptures today, and amazingly enough they are all encouragement in strength! Here are a few!
"He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak. Even youths will become exhausted and young men will give up. But those who wait on the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:29-31
"So be strong and take courage, all you who hope in the LORD" Psalm 31:24
"But now, O Israel, the LORD who created you says, 'Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you, I have call you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.'" Isaiah 43:1-2
"He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength." Psalm 23:2-3a
Please, send me more! I would love to see what some of your favorite strength-encouragements are!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
An Update
This is not the most pleasant update for me to write. I don't like writing these, but I think it is important for me to do so. This week has been a hard one for me. I don't have a tangible something wrong, I just haven't been feeling well this week. I have been fighting a lot of fatigue and pain this week, and just plain feel drained! I haven't done my shot for this week yet, because I am already so wiped out that I am afraid I won't be able to move after taking it. My days are pretty booked from now through mid-May, but I think the reality is that I am going to have to put some things on hold. That is so hard for me! I hate walking away from commitments without seeing them through! I hate slowing down - even more, I resent having to slow down! Plus, so many of the things that fill my time are also things that bring me a sense of purpose and joy - to put them on hold makes me sad! I feel incomplete because of having to slow down. I am, after all, only 30! Why do I feel like I am double that?
I am not complaining - just asking myself and God some questions! I think it is ok to do so! I just need to keep my eyes on Jesus and know that even though I am weak, He is strong!
God, I ask that you will give me the energy and encouragement that I need right now! Please bring about your perfect will in and through me! Lord, I pray that somehow in my imperfection that I can still bring glory to your perfect name! Bless me, God, with the ability to keep my eyes fixed on you regardless of my circumstance! Continue to teach me how to intercede on behalf of myself and so many others that I have been given the honor to intercede for! Teach me more God, how to seek healing! Lord, deliver me! I love you Lord, and thank you for the perfect love that you show me! In your precious and holy name, Amen!
This is not the most pleasant update for me to write. I don't like writing these, but I think it is important for me to do so. This week has been a hard one for me. I don't have a tangible something wrong, I just haven't been feeling well this week. I have been fighting a lot of fatigue and pain this week, and just plain feel drained! I haven't done my shot for this week yet, because I am already so wiped out that I am afraid I won't be able to move after taking it. My days are pretty booked from now through mid-May, but I think the reality is that I am going to have to put some things on hold. That is so hard for me! I hate walking away from commitments without seeing them through! I hate slowing down - even more, I resent having to slow down! Plus, so many of the things that fill my time are also things that bring me a sense of purpose and joy - to put them on hold makes me sad! I feel incomplete because of having to slow down. I am, after all, only 30! Why do I feel like I am double that?
I am not complaining - just asking myself and God some questions! I think it is ok to do so! I just need to keep my eyes on Jesus and know that even though I am weak, He is strong!
God, I ask that you will give me the energy and encouragement that I need right now! Please bring about your perfect will in and through me! Lord, I pray that somehow in my imperfection that I can still bring glory to your perfect name! Bless me, God, with the ability to keep my eyes fixed on you regardless of my circumstance! Continue to teach me how to intercede on behalf of myself and so many others that I have been given the honor to intercede for! Teach me more God, how to seek healing! Lord, deliver me! I love you Lord, and thank you for the perfect love that you show me! In your precious and holy name, Amen!
Friday, April 17, 2009
I'm A Captive Set Free
I have been giving my blog a "make-over" this past week. I felt part of that was updating my profile. Here is what I started out with before narrowing it down to 1200 characters. Really - it is at exactly the 1200 character limit now! Enjoy!
I write these things because I am a captive set free! A captive to depression, fear, sickness, and sin. The good news is that I have been set free by the love and mercy of my precious savior, Jesus Christ! Through Him, freedom has been ushered into many areas of my life and I know there is more to come!
In college, I suffered from depression. I found my greatest friends during this time to be God and writing. In fact, in large part I discovered the love that God has for me through writing. The massive chasm between the got-it-together life I attempted to portray and the torrents of pain I was really living in was eating away at me. I was very new to following Christ and was recovering from a lot of hurt that I had grown up with. Writing was a way to focus my inner voice and give it a way to speak. It was also a way for me to hear what the Lord had to say to me.
In 2oo3, I went to visit a friend who lived out of town. While attending her church, a word was spoken over me, as an anointing to "write and speak the word of God for a new generation to know His affection." I was re-invigorated to begin writing again; something that I had become fairly complacent in. I had a new desire to be disciplined in this.
In the summer of 2007 I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA), an auto-immune disease. At the time I was diagnosed, there was already joint and organ involvement of the disease. One of the challenges I was given around the time of the diagnosis was to "write often."
I still write frequently in my private journals, but I felt challenged to share some of my writing along the way. This blog is my attempt to be faithful to something I believe the Lord has given me - and asked of me. I have seen over time how writing has been a tool of healing in my life. I trust that it will be a conduit for healing in this time, as well.
It is my hope that as you read my random ramblings, prayers, and struggles they will touch you in some way. It is my desire that I will be able to grow in wisdom, truth, and vulnerability. I also desire for this to be something that brings honor and glory to my Lord of Lords! Please join me! And please feel free to leave your comments along the way.
I have been giving my blog a "make-over" this past week. I felt part of that was updating my profile. Here is what I started out with before narrowing it down to 1200 characters. Really - it is at exactly the 1200 character limit now! Enjoy!
I write these things because I am a captive set free! A captive to depression, fear, sickness, and sin. The good news is that I have been set free by the love and mercy of my precious savior, Jesus Christ! Through Him, freedom has been ushered into many areas of my life and I know there is more to come!
In college, I suffered from depression. I found my greatest friends during this time to be God and writing. In fact, in large part I discovered the love that God has for me through writing. The massive chasm between the got-it-together life I attempted to portray and the torrents of pain I was really living in was eating away at me. I was very new to following Christ and was recovering from a lot of hurt that I had grown up with. Writing was a way to focus my inner voice and give it a way to speak. It was also a way for me to hear what the Lord had to say to me.
In 2oo3, I went to visit a friend who lived out of town. While attending her church, a word was spoken over me, as an anointing to "write and speak the word of God for a new generation to know His affection." I was re-invigorated to begin writing again; something that I had become fairly complacent in. I had a new desire to be disciplined in this.
In the summer of 2007 I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA), an auto-immune disease. At the time I was diagnosed, there was already joint and organ involvement of the disease. One of the challenges I was given around the time of the diagnosis was to "write often."
I still write frequently in my private journals, but I felt challenged to share some of my writing along the way. This blog is my attempt to be faithful to something I believe the Lord has given me - and asked of me. I have seen over time how writing has been a tool of healing in my life. I trust that it will be a conduit for healing in this time, as well.
It is my hope that as you read my random ramblings, prayers, and struggles they will touch you in some way. It is my desire that I will be able to grow in wisdom, truth, and vulnerability. I also desire for this to be something that brings honor and glory to my Lord of Lords! Please join me! And please feel free to leave your comments along the way.
Friday, March 6, 2009
How Am I?
A friend of mine just sent me an e-mail asking how I have been. She hasn't seen me in a few weeks and wanted to check in. At first, I wrote the following response. I ended up only sending the first two sentences.
So to answer how I have been, the honest answer is not that great. The last couple of weeks have been really hard! My car finally died and so I have been without a car and I have been depending on other people to take me to and from. I HATE it!!!!! I am such an independent person that it is really hard for me to have to ask for help and rely on other people and justify going here and there and wait when I want to do something. Those have all been hard! But then you just begin to add in the money aspect and I feel like I have lost all grips on control! I was talking with another friend for a little today and the perfect statement came out. "It isn't really about the car. The car has just been the cherry on top of a sundae of being overwhelmed by finances. It's like I am reaching for band aids right now to try to cover a gaping wound that has arterial bleeding!" My head has been pounding for almost three weeks now it started as a migraine, but seems to be different and almost worse in the last week. It occurred to me last night that my blood pressure is probably high. I had a doctor's appointment. Sure enough my BP was 145/88! It's normally around 105-112/60. I thought "no wonder my head is hurting so bad. I'm about to have a stroke!" I just took an interesting combination of medication to slow my BP down and knock me OUT for the night. Maybe if I can just sleep sleep sleep I will feel a little better tomorrow!
Oh, and the results from the doctor's appointment weren't that great either. My inflammation markers are the highest they have been in 2 years. I get copies of my medical records for my own files - the doctor's dictations note "additional progression of advanced disease observed." My spirit crashed!
A friend of mine just sent me an e-mail asking how I have been. She hasn't seen me in a few weeks and wanted to check in. At first, I wrote the following response. I ended up only sending the first two sentences.
So to answer how I have been, the honest answer is not that great. The last couple of weeks have been really hard! My car finally died and so I have been without a car and I have been depending on other people to take me to and from. I HATE it!!!!! I am such an independent person that it is really hard for me to have to ask for help and rely on other people and justify going here and there and wait when I want to do something. Those have all been hard! But then you just begin to add in the money aspect and I feel like I have lost all grips on control! I was talking with another friend for a little today and the perfect statement came out. "It isn't really about the car. The car has just been the cherry on top of a sundae of being overwhelmed by finances. It's like I am reaching for band aids right now to try to cover a gaping wound that has arterial bleeding!" My head has been pounding for almost three weeks now it started as a migraine, but seems to be different and almost worse in the last week. It occurred to me last night that my blood pressure is probably high. I had a doctor's appointment. Sure enough my BP was 145/88! It's normally around 105-112/60. I thought "no wonder my head is hurting so bad. I'm about to have a stroke!" I just took an interesting combination of medication to slow my BP down and knock me OUT for the night. Maybe if I can just sleep sleep sleep I will feel a little better tomorrow!
Oh, and the results from the doctor's appointment weren't that great either. My inflammation markers are the highest they have been in 2 years. I get copies of my medical records for my own files - the doctor's dictations note "additional progression of advanced disease observed." My spirit crashed!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Where did the year go?
I thought I would reflect on the last year - both the good and the bad and write out some of the things that happened.
January 2008: We had a couple of ice days in the city I live in and I couldn't get out of my neighborhood. My mother stayed at my place with me so I wouldn't have to be alone and bored. We played games and made a roast and drank lots of hot cocoa and hot tea. When we finally had to leave, we had to de-ice the cars. We don't live in a place that gets much snow or ice, so we don't really have to proper clothing or equipment. We laid out cardboard boxes to keep from sliding around too much and scraped the cars down. When we were finally done, our shoes were soaked through. We brought them inside and put them on the open oven door and let them cook dry while we played another game. It was a good memory!
February 2008: I had my 29th birthday with a really fun party! It was a girls-only party and no kids were there (except for a newborn baby who as of this week is living in Africa)! We had lasagna and an amazing salad that two of my friends made and a beautiful and yummy birthday cake. I had a wonderful time hanging out with the women that I love so much and that love me. One of the best parts is that my mother and both of my sisters got to come, too! I left that night feeling really blessed to have so many amazing women in my life!
March 2008: I started sensing transition, but wasn't sure what it would be. Things were pretty difficult financially and emotionally. I found out that I was having some kidney failure from the medication I was on for RA and had to change medication. Fortunately, my doctor caught this quickly and there was no permanent damage to my kidneys!
April 2008: Not only the sense of transition was on me, but the desire. I started praying about different areas of my life that could change and asking for willingness to make the decisions I needed. I got my spare bedroom cleaned and organized to the point that it was almost empty, except for my sewing stuff and the bed that was in it. My sister, Shawna, and I started restoring the bed that was in the spare room - I didn't know at the time that it was going to become MY bed! I really felt like to word the Lord had for me in this time was "restoration". I am still seeking more understanding of that, however I also feel like the Lord has brought a lot!
May 2008: The Blairs (the family I live with), asked me to move in with them sometime in the summer. Immediately a weight lifted from me and I felt like the Lord had created the window for both transition and restoration that He had been speaking to me. I started throwing stuff out that I didn't need, making plans for the things I wanted to take, and my heart was just ready to "let go" of all of the other stuff (furniture, clothing, dishes, etc.) that I had been carting around with me for the last many years. I started feeling freedom from things!
June 2008: As I was getting ready to move, I was very excited! I was even getting to help plan and decorate my new room while they were building it! But, every once in a while I just got overwhelmed with all of the things I was leaving. I started feeling a battle of the power of stuff! This month was also the time that one of my best friends decided she was going to move to California to go to school. I was very happy for her, knowing that it would be an amazing opportunity. I was sad for me! I didn't want her to leave! There was more transition happening than I was comfortable with, but I was reminded that the Lord had been preparing me.
July 2008: I packed up, I moved in, I slooooowly unpacked! Even with everything I gave away and threw away, I still had TOO much stuff to fit in one room! Transitioning was a lot harder than I expected! It had been a long time since I had lived with a roommate or family - and the relationship was very different! I was in this weird place of not knowing my place in the home. I didn't know what I was supposed to ask about vs. just doing. I didn't know if I was supposed to let them know where I was going to be or when I was going to be home. I didn't know what their expectations of me were in helping with their children. It was just hard. That was really the only word I had in my vocabulary for about 2-3 months that could define what it was like. It didn't mean it was bad - it just meant it wasn't easy and it wasn't comfortable! I was very grateful to be here, I just didn't really feel like I was "in" yet. In July, I also had my 3 year anniversary at work.
August 2008: I was still transitioning at home. I had a set-back with my RA and I started feeling very alone. Even though I have wonderful friends, many of which deal with illness or other very challenging life situations, none have RA. I started really feeling like none of them understand the fear, anxiety, or sadness that I experience when I think about this disease and what it has done and has the potential to do. I lost about 2 weeks of my life to being depressed and moping and then decided I needed to find a better outlet.
September 2008: As I said, I decided I needed to find a better outlet. I joined an online support resource. Later in the month, I started my blog. Sometimes it feels like I just started this a month ago and other times it feels like I have been blogging forever! I am very glad that I started it, though! I am excited to see where I go with it in the future! I also received a prophetic word in September that I am still praying about, but it has definitely had an impact on me.
October 2008: I started really feeling like I was a valued part of my small group. I started really looking forward to going and wanting to be prepared and ready to share and listen. I started feeling like it was a group of people that I had a stake in. This was also the month that my church had a really difficult event happen. For a while we were fearful that many people may leave because they were unhappy about something. With a lot of prayer, good leadership, and most importantly - God, we were able to get through it very well. I think our church got to experience healthy conflict and confrontation through humility, forgiveness, and grace! I think we are stronger, not weaker, after going through it!
November 2008: I started finally feeling settled in the house. My room started feeling like my space - and it was a peaceful space! I started feeling like I was learning my place and role in the house a little better. Thanksgiving was a little different for me this year. I usually go to the panhandle to be with my family, but this year I stayed here. My mother and one of my sister's and her husband were here too, so we did Thanksgiving together. It was very enjoyable!
December 2008: Everyone is preparing for Christmas. It seemed that everyone around me, including myself was more "on edge" than normal! This time of year really stresses me out! I think that for the most part we get so consumed with everything surrounding Christmas that we totally lose sight of what Christmas is supposed to be about. One thing that I did enjoy was celebrating Advent with the family I live with. On nights that we were all here, we would gather in the living room with all of the lights off. Each one of us had a candle burning. We would go around and each person got to choose a Christmas song to sing. We would start and end with a prayer and then everyone would blow out their candles. It was really neat to me! I have never done that. I think I have a new Christmas (Advent) tradition. I even did it when they were gone traveling. I would light their candles and then pray for each one of them before blowing that person's candle out. In December, additional progression of the RA was diagnosed - I was really disappointed! Christmas, itself was a great day with my family. It did not end great, however! I lost my temper and ended up being left to apologize and plea for mercy. It was probably my least gracious moment and started me into one of the most intense seasons of prayer that I think I have ever been in! It was amazing to me how quick God was to come when I cried out for Him! I still feel humbled when I think about it! Great is the love of the King of our souls!
January 2009: I brought in the New Year at the local House of Prayer. While I was there, I received prayer for healing from the physical pain I have been experiencing (specifically with my hands). The following Friday I received more prayer for healing from pain in my hands. I am ecstatic to say that healing has begun in my hands! I have had significantly less pain in my hands and a lot less inflammation! I promise it is not in my head - my jewelry will prove it! On New Years eve, while I was being prayed for, one of the girls had a vision of me laying on my bed and sleeping peacefully. The thought of sleeping peacefully was overwhelming to me, because I frequently wake many times in the night from my joints getting stiff or painful. I try not to take pain medications for sleeping, because they leave me feeling groggy and depressed the next day. That night, before I left a friend prayed again specifically for me to sleep well. That night I slept for 12 hours, uninterrupted, without any medication! I believe it is the power of the Spirit and healing that allowed that! I continue to feel a sense of transition and excitement. I have been in a very deep time of prayer and seeking God and I feel very blessed by it! I have great hope and expectation for the upcoming year!
There is a run-down of the last year. I wonder what all will happen this year?
I thought I would reflect on the last year - both the good and the bad and write out some of the things that happened.
January 2008: We had a couple of ice days in the city I live in and I couldn't get out of my neighborhood. My mother stayed at my place with me so I wouldn't have to be alone and bored. We played games and made a roast and drank lots of hot cocoa and hot tea. When we finally had to leave, we had to de-ice the cars. We don't live in a place that gets much snow or ice, so we don't really have to proper clothing or equipment. We laid out cardboard boxes to keep from sliding around too much and scraped the cars down. When we were finally done, our shoes were soaked through. We brought them inside and put them on the open oven door and let them cook dry while we played another game. It was a good memory!
February 2008: I had my 29th birthday with a really fun party! It was a girls-only party and no kids were there (except for a newborn baby who as of this week is living in Africa)! We had lasagna and an amazing salad that two of my friends made and a beautiful and yummy birthday cake. I had a wonderful time hanging out with the women that I love so much and that love me. One of the best parts is that my mother and both of my sisters got to come, too! I left that night feeling really blessed to have so many amazing women in my life!
March 2008: I started sensing transition, but wasn't sure what it would be. Things were pretty difficult financially and emotionally. I found out that I was having some kidney failure from the medication I was on for RA and had to change medication. Fortunately, my doctor caught this quickly and there was no permanent damage to my kidneys!
April 2008: Not only the sense of transition was on me, but the desire. I started praying about different areas of my life that could change and asking for willingness to make the decisions I needed. I got my spare bedroom cleaned and organized to the point that it was almost empty, except for my sewing stuff and the bed that was in it. My sister, Shawna, and I started restoring the bed that was in the spare room - I didn't know at the time that it was going to become MY bed! I really felt like to word the Lord had for me in this time was "restoration". I am still seeking more understanding of that, however I also feel like the Lord has brought a lot!
May 2008: The Blairs (the family I live with), asked me to move in with them sometime in the summer. Immediately a weight lifted from me and I felt like the Lord had created the window for both transition and restoration that He had been speaking to me. I started throwing stuff out that I didn't need, making plans for the things I wanted to take, and my heart was just ready to "let go" of all of the other stuff (furniture, clothing, dishes, etc.) that I had been carting around with me for the last many years. I started feeling freedom from things!
June 2008: As I was getting ready to move, I was very excited! I was even getting to help plan and decorate my new room while they were building it! But, every once in a while I just got overwhelmed with all of the things I was leaving. I started feeling a battle of the power of stuff! This month was also the time that one of my best friends decided she was going to move to California to go to school. I was very happy for her, knowing that it would be an amazing opportunity. I was sad for me! I didn't want her to leave! There was more transition happening than I was comfortable with, but I was reminded that the Lord had been preparing me.
July 2008: I packed up, I moved in, I slooooowly unpacked! Even with everything I gave away and threw away, I still had TOO much stuff to fit in one room! Transitioning was a lot harder than I expected! It had been a long time since I had lived with a roommate or family - and the relationship was very different! I was in this weird place of not knowing my place in the home. I didn't know what I was supposed to ask about vs. just doing. I didn't know if I was supposed to let them know where I was going to be or when I was going to be home. I didn't know what their expectations of me were in helping with their children. It was just hard. That was really the only word I had in my vocabulary for about 2-3 months that could define what it was like. It didn't mean it was bad - it just meant it wasn't easy and it wasn't comfortable! I was very grateful to be here, I just didn't really feel like I was "in" yet. In July, I also had my 3 year anniversary at work.
August 2008: I was still transitioning at home. I had a set-back with my RA and I started feeling very alone. Even though I have wonderful friends, many of which deal with illness or other very challenging life situations, none have RA. I started really feeling like none of them understand the fear, anxiety, or sadness that I experience when I think about this disease and what it has done and has the potential to do. I lost about 2 weeks of my life to being depressed and moping and then decided I needed to find a better outlet.
September 2008: As I said, I decided I needed to find a better outlet. I joined an online support resource. Later in the month, I started my blog. Sometimes it feels like I just started this a month ago and other times it feels like I have been blogging forever! I am very glad that I started it, though! I am excited to see where I go with it in the future! I also received a prophetic word in September that I am still praying about, but it has definitely had an impact on me.
October 2008: I started really feeling like I was a valued part of my small group. I started really looking forward to going and wanting to be prepared and ready to share and listen. I started feeling like it was a group of people that I had a stake in. This was also the month that my church had a really difficult event happen. For a while we were fearful that many people may leave because they were unhappy about something. With a lot of prayer, good leadership, and most importantly - God, we were able to get through it very well. I think our church got to experience healthy conflict and confrontation through humility, forgiveness, and grace! I think we are stronger, not weaker, after going through it!
November 2008: I started finally feeling settled in the house. My room started feeling like my space - and it was a peaceful space! I started feeling like I was learning my place and role in the house a little better. Thanksgiving was a little different for me this year. I usually go to the panhandle to be with my family, but this year I stayed here. My mother and one of my sister's and her husband were here too, so we did Thanksgiving together. It was very enjoyable!
December 2008: Everyone is preparing for Christmas. It seemed that everyone around me, including myself was more "on edge" than normal! This time of year really stresses me out! I think that for the most part we get so consumed with everything surrounding Christmas that we totally lose sight of what Christmas is supposed to be about. One thing that I did enjoy was celebrating Advent with the family I live with. On nights that we were all here, we would gather in the living room with all of the lights off. Each one of us had a candle burning. We would go around and each person got to choose a Christmas song to sing. We would start and end with a prayer and then everyone would blow out their candles. It was really neat to me! I have never done that. I think I have a new Christmas (Advent) tradition. I even did it when they were gone traveling. I would light their candles and then pray for each one of them before blowing that person's candle out. In December, additional progression of the RA was diagnosed - I was really disappointed! Christmas, itself was a great day with my family. It did not end great, however! I lost my temper and ended up being left to apologize and plea for mercy. It was probably my least gracious moment and started me into one of the most intense seasons of prayer that I think I have ever been in! It was amazing to me how quick God was to come when I cried out for Him! I still feel humbled when I think about it! Great is the love of the King of our souls!
January 2009: I brought in the New Year at the local House of Prayer. While I was there, I received prayer for healing from the physical pain I have been experiencing (specifically with my hands). The following Friday I received more prayer for healing from pain in my hands. I am ecstatic to say that healing has begun in my hands! I have had significantly less pain in my hands and a lot less inflammation! I promise it is not in my head - my jewelry will prove it! On New Years eve, while I was being prayed for, one of the girls had a vision of me laying on my bed and sleeping peacefully. The thought of sleeping peacefully was overwhelming to me, because I frequently wake many times in the night from my joints getting stiff or painful. I try not to take pain medications for sleeping, because they leave me feeling groggy and depressed the next day. That night, before I left a friend prayed again specifically for me to sleep well. That night I slept for 12 hours, uninterrupted, without any medication! I believe it is the power of the Spirit and healing that allowed that! I continue to feel a sense of transition and excitement. I have been in a very deep time of prayer and seeking God and I feel very blessed by it! I have great hope and expectation for the upcoming year!
There is a run-down of the last year. I wonder what all will happen this year?
Saturday, December 20, 2008
A Little Disappointed
Today I had a doctor's appointment for a check up with my rheumatologist. I have been experiencing more pain and fatigue lately, so I knew it was likely that there may be some changes in my medications. The exam and tests confirmed that there is further progression of the RA and that the current immune therapy that I am on is not sufficient. I will continue taking the same medication, but will now have to give myself injections weekly instead of every other week. I will keep taking anti-inflammatories and cortisone for inflammation and pain management.
After I left the doctor, I just started crying in my car. I am not mad at God right now, but I am disappointed! I just don't understand! I wish I had a greater understanding of what God sees and what His plans for me are!
God, please be the comfort and understanding that I need right now! Please speak to the places in my heart that seem to be like roaring ocean waves in a storm. Spirit speak. "Peace, be still." I know Jesus, that you bore everything and you are no stranger to the pain, discontentment, or fear that I have. I also trust that in you, all things are made perfect. Please teach me what I need and continue to refine me more and more into your image. Lord, in all things I will praise your name! Let me know you and love you more and more!
On a very happy note, I am excited because I am having a Christmas party tomorrow night. I can hardly wait! I have a lot to do to get ready still, but I am just so excited to be able to have my friends come over! I love having friends over and being a hostess!
Today I had a doctor's appointment for a check up with my rheumatologist. I have been experiencing more pain and fatigue lately, so I knew it was likely that there may be some changes in my medications. The exam and tests confirmed that there is further progression of the RA and that the current immune therapy that I am on is not sufficient. I will continue taking the same medication, but will now have to give myself injections weekly instead of every other week. I will keep taking anti-inflammatories and cortisone for inflammation and pain management.
After I left the doctor, I just started crying in my car. I am not mad at God right now, but I am disappointed! I just don't understand! I wish I had a greater understanding of what God sees and what His plans for me are!
God, please be the comfort and understanding that I need right now! Please speak to the places in my heart that seem to be like roaring ocean waves in a storm. Spirit speak. "Peace, be still." I know Jesus, that you bore everything and you are no stranger to the pain, discontentment, or fear that I have. I also trust that in you, all things are made perfect. Please teach me what I need and continue to refine me more and more into your image. Lord, in all things I will praise your name! Let me know you and love you more and more!
On a very happy note, I am excited because I am having a Christmas party tomorrow night. I can hardly wait! I have a lot to do to get ready still, but I am just so excited to be able to have my friends come over! I love having friends over and being a hostess!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Writer's Block or Heart Block?
I have had a little bit of writer's block lately. I am not quite sure that is the right phrase. Maybe it is more like heart block. I have had a lot of things to say, they just don't quite come out in full. They start, but then there is this welling pang inside of me and whatever started quickly ceases it's existence.
Don't bother asking the question "why" because the answer is going to be some vague response that boils down to "I just don't know." There has been a lot of joy and a lot of sorrow and a lot of looking backward and forward going on in the last week or so. I think it has just left a puddle of muddle! Here are a few of the things that have been stirring in my heart.
I have been adjusting to this new phase of RA. I haven't been feeling well. I have had more pain and have not been sleeping well. I think part of it may be progression of the disease (which is not a surprise) and part of it may just be related to weather changes - getting cooler, rain, etc. Whatever it is, I don't think I have been coping as well as I would like to. I praise God and pray and ask Him to teach me to pray, but still I am just not satisfied. I am not sure that is a bad thing, though.
I have also been working on putting together my testimony, which has caused me to look back at a lot of places that I have been - which have at times been pretty messy. The flip side of that is the amazing mercy with which God has taken me from and brought me to. That in and of itself has the power to leave me overcome with emotion; so overcome in fact that I don't even know how to express it!
I have had a little bit of writer's block lately. I am not quite sure that is the right phrase. Maybe it is more like heart block. I have had a lot of things to say, they just don't quite come out in full. They start, but then there is this welling pang inside of me and whatever started quickly ceases it's existence.
Don't bother asking the question "why" because the answer is going to be some vague response that boils down to "I just don't know." There has been a lot of joy and a lot of sorrow and a lot of looking backward and forward going on in the last week or so. I think it has just left a puddle of muddle! Here are a few of the things that have been stirring in my heart.
I have been adjusting to this new phase of RA. I haven't been feeling well. I have had more pain and have not been sleeping well. I think part of it may be progression of the disease (which is not a surprise) and part of it may just be related to weather changes - getting cooler, rain, etc. Whatever it is, I don't think I have been coping as well as I would like to. I praise God and pray and ask Him to teach me to pray, but still I am just not satisfied. I am not sure that is a bad thing, though.
I have also been working on putting together my testimony, which has caused me to look back at a lot of places that I have been - which have at times been pretty messy. The flip side of that is the amazing mercy with which God has taken me from and brought me to. That in and of itself has the power to leave me overcome with emotion; so overcome in fact that I don't even know how to express it!
There is also the issue with my church body that I brought up a couple of weeks ago. There is still pain and still brokenness. There is recovery in process, too! Some people have chosen to leave. Some people have chosen to stay, but have shown sides of themselves that will be very hard to forget - even as forgiveness occurs. I guess that is part of "family" life - at some point you are going to see things that leave a bitter taste in your mouth, but you are still family and you just have to work through it! I still believe that God is doing something amazing for His Kingdom in the city I live in through this church and this is a time of preparation and strengthening for the fires that are to come. It brings comfort to trust that God's hand is over this - it doesn't make it any less painful. As I said, we are in recovery. We have had some amazing progress in the last couple of weeks, but time will be needed. I really think that we are and will be stronger because of adversity - but only if we remember to keep our eyes on Christ!
Then, on the amazingly joy-filled; nothing can get me down side of things there is this. I have a friend who has an amazing life-story. She has gone through a lot of trial; primarily related to an illness. She has chosen to put it in the hands of God. She gives Him the glory through everything - the good and the bad. Her story is one that has a lot of pain and grief. After much waiting and pleading before the throne of God, she is finally getting a baby! This is a baby that she has longed for and finally she is getting her! I couldn't be happier for her! I want to laugh and dance and cry and praise God with everything that is in me! I am just so overwhelmed by the faithfulness and love of God! And, I am so happy that my friend is finally getting what she has longed for. It just feels so right!
I think I am going to leave it there for now. That seems like a good place to stop. I may come back and write more later, but for now this is enough.Sunday, November 2, 2008
Transparency
One of my goals in having this blog is to grow in transparency. Transparency is not something that I have traditionally done well. Like many people, I don't like to be vulnerable and being transparent makes one pretty vulnerable. One of the things I have noted is that the people in my life who are transparent are also pretty humble. I am not. I pray, however, to become more humble. Maybe there's a connection between humility and transparency!
Why is it that humility is so hard? Why is it so hard to admit when I don't know how to do something? Why can't I just say that I don't always have the answer? And why is the basic art of honesty so difficult? If someone asks me how I am doing and the true answer is not that great, why can't I just say that? Why do I have to come up with some positive spin on the truth? Do I really think that everything in life has to be good all the time or is it that I don't want to expose that everything in my life is not always perfect?
Sure there are boundaries. I am not suggesting that every person I meet wants to know all of the inner workings of my heart. But, I know when I ask someone how they are doing I want to know the real anwer and I get offended if I think they are not being honest with me when they answer. So why do I do the exact same thing? What would happen if I started telling people "I am ___ today." (fill in the blank with sad, happy, angry, hurting, etc.) Some people may walk away because they don't know how to respond. Others may start talking about how they have really been feeling. Maybe if I could be more transparent about a little thing like how I am doing, there would actually be a sense of freedom that is ushered in. Maybe.
So, what brought up the topic of transparency? I haven't been feeling well this week. I have been more tired lately and my pain level has been higher than normal. I have asked a few people this week to be praying for me, but as a whole, I have not been very good about letting people know where I am or why. I think a lot of the time that people get just as tired of me not feeling well as I am of not feeling well...probably for very different reasons, though. So, I stop telling them what is going on. The problem with that is that then I am trying to do things on my own and I am not living a transparent life. How do I rectify this? I am not really sure what the answer is. I am just brain-storming; thinking on paper. I don't really know what this is supposed to look like, so I don't know how to get there! What I do know is that I don't have all of the answers and I don't know how to do this well. I am committed to doing it to the best that I know how, but I need help! I need help from the people in my life. And more than anything, I need help from my King of Kings! I will keep my eyes fixed on the cross!
One of my goals in having this blog is to grow in transparency. Transparency is not something that I have traditionally done well. Like many people, I don't like to be vulnerable and being transparent makes one pretty vulnerable. One of the things I have noted is that the people in my life who are transparent are also pretty humble. I am not. I pray, however, to become more humble. Maybe there's a connection between humility and transparency!
Why is it that humility is so hard? Why is it so hard to admit when I don't know how to do something? Why can't I just say that I don't always have the answer? And why is the basic art of honesty so difficult? If someone asks me how I am doing and the true answer is not that great, why can't I just say that? Why do I have to come up with some positive spin on the truth? Do I really think that everything in life has to be good all the time or is it that I don't want to expose that everything in my life is not always perfect?
Sure there are boundaries. I am not suggesting that every person I meet wants to know all of the inner workings of my heart. But, I know when I ask someone how they are doing I want to know the real anwer and I get offended if I think they are not being honest with me when they answer. So why do I do the exact same thing? What would happen if I started telling people "I am ___ today." (fill in the blank with sad, happy, angry, hurting, etc.) Some people may walk away because they don't know how to respond. Others may start talking about how they have really been feeling. Maybe if I could be more transparent about a little thing like how I am doing, there would actually be a sense of freedom that is ushered in. Maybe.
So, what brought up the topic of transparency? I haven't been feeling well this week. I have been more tired lately and my pain level has been higher than normal. I have asked a few people this week to be praying for me, but as a whole, I have not been very good about letting people know where I am or why. I think a lot of the time that people get just as tired of me not feeling well as I am of not feeling well...probably for very different reasons, though. So, I stop telling them what is going on. The problem with that is that then I am trying to do things on my own and I am not living a transparent life. How do I rectify this? I am not really sure what the answer is. I am just brain-storming; thinking on paper. I don't really know what this is supposed to look like, so I don't know how to get there! What I do know is that I don't have all of the answers and I don't know how to do this well. I am committed to doing it to the best that I know how, but I need help! I need help from the people in my life. And more than anything, I need help from my King of Kings! I will keep my eyes fixed on the cross!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Another Thursday
Thursdays are hard for me. Not all of them, just every other Thursday. This is one of those Thursdays.
In general, a lot of good happens on this day of the week and I look forward to it all week long. I have my Hope Group on Thursdays; which means I get to see my friends, eat a meal with people I care about, worship, have Bible Study, pray. It's great! The thing that I don't like about every other Thursday is that it is the day I have to give myself my shot.
As a part of my treatment for RA, I have to give myself a shot every other week with an immune-therapy medication. The shot itself hurts, but that is not the part that I hate so much. The part I hate is what happens inside of me. It hurts in my heart. This is a physical reminder - aside from the pain in my body - that something is wrong with me.
I know that we all have our things that we have to deal with. And a lot of times they are hard and they just don't seem fair. This is one of those things! The thing that really hurts in my heart is that I don't think I have quite reconciled why sickness happens. I don't think that I am going to know the answer on this side of heaven - maybe not even in the perfection of heaven will I understand this mystery. I see sickness all around me in amazing people; people who are faithful and strong followers of Christ.
I have a friend whose mother has battled for years with cancer, which has recurred multiple times. The prognosis is grim. Yet, she continues to fight and praises God, The Most High King, as her Perfect Redeemer. Just watching her teaches me so much about theology. Theology is not just what you can spit out when someone asks you questions about what you believe. It is a picture of how you live your life.
My pastor and I were having a conversation several weeks ago and he asked me how my heart was. I told him that it is hard to put into words. On the one side, I love God with all of my being! I KNOW that He is good and that He is Sovereign and His will is perfect! On the other side, I hurt and I want to know why a God who can heal more quickly than I can take a breath doesn't just do it! I am angry and sad. And almost everyday, when I lay down to go to sleep at the end of the day and my body aches, I have to come before Him and say that I am angry and sad and I hurt, but that I love Him and I know that He is good. I ask Him to show me His understanding and to help me to live according to His will regardless of my situation. I also have to go through this everytime I have to give myself my shot. My pastor smiled at me and said, "Keep doing it." Then he said something that I thought peculiar at the moment. He said, "People are watching you."
I think back to my friends mom. I see that people really do watch how we live life and they pay attention to how we handle the bumps in the road. I just hope that I live life in such a way that when people see me, they see Jesus in me! And, I think that it's ok to have moments when I ask God what He is doing and why. After all, aren't those questions part of living a life of understanding God more?
So, as I close out this Thursday, I go to God and thank Him for all of the wonderful blessings He has poured over me and I ask Him for more grace and more understanding and more strength.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Weariness
I didn't write last night because I was just so tired that all I wanted to do was go to bed. I slept so well! I am not quite ready to be awake, but oh well!
Yesterday I was thinking about weariness. The thesaurus lists the following words as related to weary; tired, exhausted, fatigued, shattered, wiped out, disillusioned. These are all words I can relate to.
I have felt weary a LOT this past year! After I was first diagnosed with RA, I thought about my father and how when I had last seen him he seemed to be falling apart. That was just a couple of years after he had been diagnosed with RA. I also thought about my grandmother and how difficult it became for her to sew and write as her hands got knotted up. All of a sudden, every commercial that talked about the debilitating effects of this disease echoed in my mind louder than ever! I had to face fear. Not just the fear that I may become disabled or lose the ability to do the things that I love to do, but the fear that I may not become the woman that I dream of being...or even worse, I may not become the woman that God dreams of me becoming.
I have had to choose almost every day to turn to God and admit that I am afraid. I tell him that I don't feel brave enough or strong enough or mature enough to do this well, but that regardless of my situation I desire to honor and praise Him. I ask Him to carry me and give me the strength to walk where I need to so that I can grow in the ways that glorify Him and draw me closer to Him.
I am still afraid. I am a little less afraid today than I was a year ago. And I just have to trust that God is growing my faith in small and practical as well as supernatural ways. I know He is! I feel it! I can't explain that, but what I can say is that more and more I am learning the voice of my sheperd and when I hear Him call, I turn to Him. I love His voice! It is sweet and fresh!
And for those few moments when I catch a breath of the peace of God it is worth it all! Better is one day in His courts than thousands elsewhere! It doesn't make the hard days any less hard, but when I look back and see some of the hardest times in my life, they are also some of the times I received the most blessing and have learned the most about who God is and who I am in Christ!
Be blessed!
Yesterday I was thinking about weariness. The thesaurus lists the following words as related to weary; tired, exhausted, fatigued, shattered, wiped out, disillusioned. These are all words I can relate to.
I have felt weary a LOT this past year! After I was first diagnosed with RA, I thought about my father and how when I had last seen him he seemed to be falling apart. That was just a couple of years after he had been diagnosed with RA. I also thought about my grandmother and how difficult it became for her to sew and write as her hands got knotted up. All of a sudden, every commercial that talked about the debilitating effects of this disease echoed in my mind louder than ever! I had to face fear. Not just the fear that I may become disabled or lose the ability to do the things that I love to do, but the fear that I may not become the woman that I dream of being...or even worse, I may not become the woman that God dreams of me becoming.
I have had to choose almost every day to turn to God and admit that I am afraid. I tell him that I don't feel brave enough or strong enough or mature enough to do this well, but that regardless of my situation I desire to honor and praise Him. I ask Him to carry me and give me the strength to walk where I need to so that I can grow in the ways that glorify Him and draw me closer to Him.
I am still afraid. I am a little less afraid today than I was a year ago. And I just have to trust that God is growing my faith in small and practical as well as supernatural ways. I know He is! I feel it! I can't explain that, but what I can say is that more and more I am learning the voice of my sheperd and when I hear Him call, I turn to Him. I love His voice! It is sweet and fresh!
And for those few moments when I catch a breath of the peace of God it is worth it all! Better is one day in His courts than thousands elsewhere! It doesn't make the hard days any less hard, but when I look back and see some of the hardest times in my life, they are also some of the times I received the most blessing and have learned the most about who God is and who I am in Christ!
Be blessed!
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