Reflection

As I was driving to work this morning, I was listening to an account on 105.9 about how worship music has made an impact on one particular individual.  I started reflecting on all that has happened in the past year or so and how my hearts desire in the good and in the bad truly is to worship God.

This past year has probably been one of the hardest in my adult life so far.  There has been tremendous loss, heart break, health concerns, loneliness, and questions of my value in others' lives.  There has also recently been a heart-wrenching (but very heart-healing) adventure to encounter new freedoms from old pains.  But through it all, my go-to is worshiping at the feet of the Lord.

I have said it before - transparency is hard.  I try.  But really, I am terribly afraid of other people's opinions and possible rejection.  And so, I keep most things hidden away inside of my heart.  I don't think that it is the healthiest thing for a heart - and really it isn't the easiest - but it is a process that I am working through.  On my bathroom mirror I have written, "My value is not found in the opinions of other's, but in knowing who and whose I am."  I need to read this each day, to keep my heart focused on the truth.  So, because I think it will be good for my own soul, I am going to write about some of the challenges of my journey over the past year and a half.

Loneliness: I feel like there is a vital piece of me missing!  I am alone.  Most all of my friends have moved away from the Austin area over the past year.  I am not "attached" to any community.  My day consists of caring for wonderful children, but there is not really any adult camaraderie.  I have a church, but it is not a church home.  I go, I worship, I listen, I leave.  I have a couple of friends, but do not feel connected or know HOW to feel connected -- it isn't organic for me.  And as the days go on, my soul longs more and more for a help-mate.

Grief: As I mentioned, many friends have moved away and there has been a need to mourn the loss of having someone to be with me ... to get coffee, have a fun shopping day, cook a meal, or just hang out with.  I mostly do these things alone now, and it just isn't as much fun.  In addition to friends moving, my oldest sister -- my very best friend in this world -- also moved ... to Arizona.  I miss her so much!  Sure we talk, but I miss "Baby Sister Day", sister hugs, and lazy Sunday afternoon movies with her and her husband.  And from that list, I think it's the hugs that I miss the most.  To add to this sadness, in April (almost one year ago) my dear Grandfather (Mom's Dad) passed away and then less than six months later my Grandmother (Father's Mom) passed away.  She was my last living grandparent, and having her pass away made my heart feel so very empty.  And grief does not limit itself to the loss of relationships - I have also grieved health issues, childhood pain, and other "losses".

Health: My battle continues.  7 years ago I had debilitating migraines, severe pain, loss of ability to move properly, and a myriad of other "symptoms" that made no sense.  With many doctors looking at me like I was either insane, excessively needy, or just a hypochondriac; I continued to pursue "figuring out" what was "wrong" with me.  Finally, I said the right combination of things to the right doctor (who by the way had encouragingly and repeatedly told me that he would not give up on me) and a diagnosis came in the summer of 2007 -- Advanced Rheumatoid Arthritis with organ involvement (or what the Dr. refers to as Lupus Tendency).  I immediately went into a rigorous treatment plan involving some horrible medications.  Shortly after the diagnosis of RA, came the addition of Celiac Sprue Disease.  And shortly after that, my list of food allergies began to exponentially multiply.  Although this all occurred over a long period of time, my body has continued to attack itself to the point that last year the proverbial rug got pulled out from underneath me.  I do not have health insurance and because of that, once I got to a "maintenance" point in RA treatment, I stopped taking most all prescription medications.  There was an immense amount of provision from the Lord to get me to this point and I do not in any way want to discredit the miraculous thing that this was!  However, a little over a year ago I had an injury to my neck that led to a herniated disc. Treatment began for this, but I was in an overwhelming amount of pain - which led to additional flare-ups of RA, which led to additional joint damage and fatigue, which led to a further compromised immune system, which led to an additional need for medications... And so the saga goes!  I have been doing my very best to manage my health, but I feel extraordinarily limited.  I am in pain - both physical and emotional - and I am weary!

Finances:  Isn't it always the case that we could think of a thousand ways to spend just a little extra money?  I am always very reticent to mention finances because I want to be sensitive to my readers.  And even more-so, it is very important to me to have a grateful heart!  The challenge is that I also want to be able to be honest about where I need prayer, support, and a greater measure of faith!  This is it.  And very very honestly, health is the largest financial fight that I have!  I have been amazingly blessed several times this past year in the way of finances.  In part because of this, I don't stress about money nearly as much as I once did.  I have learned that somehow it usually works out.  :)  Having said that, I do still experience stress here.  There has not been a single month in the past year that I haven't needed financial support in some way.  I HATE IT!!!  I am a very independent person AND I really do want to be a self-supporting real-life grown up! Not to mention I feel like I am not able to prepare for the future because I am so financially caught in the moment.

So where does that bring me?  First of all, please do not read this and think that I have forgotten all of the good things this year has brought.  There has been much to rejoice over and thank the Lord for!  And that is where this started!  Through all of this pain and misery, I find myself lost in worship!  When my heart aches, I am before the Lord seeking comfort.  When I am overwhelmed with gratitude, I am in His presence declaring His might and faithfulness!

And through it all I can smile, laugh, rest, and declare that God is good...ALL THE TIME!

What a Whirlwind...

I got back into Austin on Thursday evening, after what has to this point in my life been the most stressful week I have experienced.  A lot of sweet and great things happened in it, but a lot of sadness, fear, and frustration also had to be encountered.

As you know, last week my beloved Paw Paw passed away.  I am still sorting through many emotions, but by far the greatest is that I just wasn't ready to lose him!  There have been two men in my life who I knew that I knew at all times I was just as precious to them as they were to me.  My Paw Paw was one of them.  My Uncle Jerry is the other.

I didn't grow up with a father who doted on his baby girl.  In fact, more often than not, I thought I was a burden who was annoying and in the way.  I didn't feel like I could do much "right" for him or that my efforts were ever recognized as the very best I had to offer.  Our relationship was always strained, and to this day it continues to be.

I mention this, because my Paw Paw was never like that.  As I said, I always knew that he loved me and wanted me.  Even when I was an awkward teenager and he just really didn't know what to do with me, I was still special and loved -- and I knew it!

I last saw my Paw Paw in December.  While my mother and I both had a break from work, we made the 11 hour drive to go see him.  When we left, I said goodbye, but certainly did not expect it to be goodbye!  A few weeks ago, he had an infection that caused him to go to the hospital.  I so wanted to put away everything I was doing and go see him.  But I didn't know or understand the urgency.  I was very busy with work and had a thousand and one "important" things on my plate.  But I didn't know that it would be my last chance to touch my Paw Paw, or hear his sweet voice.  I didn't go.  And I wish I had, because I never got to really say goodbye to him.

My sister, Marcie, and I drove up together for the funeral on Sunday.  She has two babies, 7 month-old Amanda and 24 month-old Emily.  The trip didn't take us the 11 hours I previously mentioned...no, it took us 18 hours!  Yes, you read that right!  The girls did AMAZINGLY well for the first 14 hours.  It was pretty hairy after that!  In the final 1 1/2 hour stretch, I was driving and my sister and the girls were sound asleep.  My sister was so exhausted that she didn't even notice we drove through a thunder storm with hail.  She was sitting in the back of the minivan to be close to the kiddos.  I kept looking back, expecting her to wake in a panic. She never did.  It wasn't until we hit Amarillo and slowed to exit the interstate that she actually woke.  We got lost on the way to the hotel and my cousin had to come meet us to get us to the right place.  We unloaded, did laundry, and made it into bed somewhere around 4:30 am (a full 24 hours since we had last risen out of bed).

On Monday, we woke early and got ready.  While both of my sisters and I were together, we made the trip out to go see my father, his sister, and her husband.  I really wanted to see my aunt and uncle, but honestly I wasn't sure I wanted to see my father.  I didn't know what to expect, and I wasn't sure that I was ready for what may greet me.  It had  been 2 years since Shawna saw him, 8 since Marcie had, and 5 since I had.  He of course had not met his grand-daughters, and it was important to Marcie that he get the chance while we were so close.  We met him and our uncle at a restaurant, ate lunch, and then went to see my aunt who was not feeling well enough to come to lunch.  This experience will have to fill up another blog post.  But in short, the meeting went well.  But I was definitely very stressed by it!  We wrapped up our visit there and headed back to Amarillo to get ready for the viewing.  We were late to the viewing, so I didn't have the chance to go actually see my Paw Paw and say good-bye without masses of people around.  At one point the sanctuary emptied enough that no one was standing next to him having a conversation of any sort and I walked up to his casket.  He didn't look like himself!  He was pale, thin, and so very still.  Even seeing that it was in fact time to say goodbye, I couldn't.  I just wasn't ready!  

In one day, I went to see the man who never valued me for who I am - living his life without me being a part of it.  And I saw a man who treasured me as a valuable that could never be replaced - still and laying in a casket.  It doesn't seem fair!

That night, my sister Marcie and I were both beyond the point of exhaustion and stress-able-ness.  We had an argument and the only thing I could do was just walk away.  I did not have the resolve to push through the argument to the solution.  I just couldn't.  I was saddened by our interaction and feared that because of the rocky road we have always traveled, there was no hope that we would ever get past it and walk on a smooth and straight road with each other. When I came back to the room, Marcie had gotten in bed and I followed suit.

Early Tuesday, my aunt got admitted to the ICU.  We weren't sure if Uncle Jerry would make it to the funeral, but he did.  That morning, we all worked together as a family (Shawna, Carl, Marcie, Mom, Me) to get Emily and Amanda ready, so Marcie could get everything gathered that would be needed for the day.  We did well!  We got out of the hotel and made it to the funeral on-time!  Emmie sat between me and Car-Car (Uncle Carl) all through the service and she did great -- she knows "church" and so we told her we were at church and she needed to stay quiet.  I was so proud of how well she did.  I was paying attention, but felt a little numb; almost as if I couldn't process what was actually happening.  At the very end, when they carried the closed casket out to the hurse, a piece of me just wanted to run up and stop them to say, "You can't take him away yet!  I'm still not ready!" Don't worry, I didn't.  We proceeded to the grave sight, where he was buried right between my grandmother and my cousin Marlena who passed away my junior year in college.  Somehow, the fact that his body would rest right there - between two other people in his life that loved and adored him just as much as I did - it seemed ok.  Everything that happened after that is a bit of a blur.

One thing about that day that stands out to me as a wonderful and amazing thing was a conversation that Marcie and I had Tuesday afternoon.  We talked through our argument from the previous night and how it related to so many other arguments that we had.  It was a good conversation - and Emily and Amanda slept through most of it, so we actually got to pay attention to each other without distraction!  In this conversation, hope was restored that Marcie and I really can have more in our relationship.  We both expressed our desire, prayers, and hopes for so much more -- and I think that the fact that we both want it so much will keep our relationship improving!

On Wednesday, we drove back as far as Abilene. We decided that staying there and having a change to play a little and get a good nights sleep would really help out with the rest of the drive.  We still only got 5 hours of sleep, but that was between 2 and 4 hours more than we had for the previous 4 days!

We finished the drive on Thursday.  It was a good drive!  We talked some more about things that were important to both of us.  And for me, one of the best parts was that Marcie was asking me about MY life.  She genuinely wanted to know about my work, theories on education, and my own personal experiences that have led me in the direction of who I am today.  It was as if 30 years of walls had begun crumbling and falling down!  

After dropping Marcie and the girls off in Fredericksburg, I gathered my things and headed back to Austin.  I had work things that needed to be addressed, a doctors appointment for my neck, and my small group meeting.  I pushed through (and enjoyed) these things and then came home and CRASHED!!!!  Friday I didn't have to be anywhere, and it was a good thing.  My body was so exhausted that I pretty much just laid around all day.  A friend of mine scheduled to have two housekeepers come clean my house on Friday afternoon, and it was the biggest blessing!  I have a work party at my house tonight and having someone else come in to clean and help me get my house together was HUGE!!

I think this is probably the longest thing I have ever posted.  In reality it is probably at least three different posts, but I just needed to spill it all out.  If you have actually stuck through reading this whole thing, bless you!  I am impressed!

My Beloved Paw Paw...

This afternoon, at the age of 91, my beloved Paw Paw left this world to go be with the Lord.  

My earliest memory of my grandfather is being on the farm and going out into the wheat fields on his "big green tractor".  He would take me out, let me sit on his lap and "drive" the green machine.  We would look into the massive panhandle sky and discuss the important stuff in life - like what shape the clouds made in the sky and how to know if it was going to rain anytime in the next few days.  I remember thinking, "this must be what heaven is like".  I remember going out with him when I was three, when I was six, when I was ten, when I was twelve.  This was our special time together!

Some of my other wonderful memories include sitting at the kitchen table and waiting for him to come in long after my bed time to eat a bowl of cereal together.  He had the gross looking fiber-pellet cereal and I got Kix.  We also enjoyed time sitting in the living room watching the news.  He sat in his sheet-covered mechanical chair and I sat on the round orange ottoman right at his feet.  I never much liked watching the news with anyone else, but when it was with my Paw Paw I was doing important business!  

The big yellow farm house signified many great things in my childhood, but by far the very best was spending time with my Paw Paw!  I don't know that there has been another single human in my life that I have adored quite as much!

As I grew older, there was a window of awkwardness that came.  Somehow, I didn't feel like I was quite as special to him because I wasn't a hard working man or an even harder working woman - quite yet.  I was just a teenage girl and I think he just didn't quite know what to do with me.  But even still, my adoration for him never faded.

As all children (and grand-children) do, I grew.  When it came time to pick a college to go to, I chose a school in Abilene.  My grandparents lived there and I felt safe living close to them.  My freshman year, my grandmother got very ill and my grandfather got into a car accident.  I remember feeling the sting of realizing that my grandparents were aging and health was not a guarantee.  Before my grandparents moved back up to Amarillo to live closer to a lot of our family, I had a conversation with my grandfather.  He said, "Sis.  You have always been a special one."  I nearly fell apart in tears in that moment - just as I am in this one.  I realized that despite my growing up, I was still his little grand-daughter.  

In the following years, I made many trips from Abilene to Amarillo to see my grandparents.  My grandmother's health was very frail during those years and I wanted to spend time with her.  But even then, when my grandmother would go lie down for a rest I would sit and watch the news with my Paw Paw.  It was time, that for some strange reason was just precious to me - almost sacred.  

I have not seen my grandfather much in the past few years.  I saw him just twice in the past 13 months - for his 90th birthday and for Christmas.  His mind was becoming cloudy and his strength was diminished.  Yet I still saw the strong man who would play with me in the wheat fields.  Just last night in my "I can't sleep" awake hours, it occurred to me that my grandfather was not immortal and that at some point he would pass away from this world.  I did NOT expect it to be today, but maybe Holy Spirit was just helping me prepare for the road that would be today.  

I know that many will say that he is now in a better place where pain, fatigue, and earthly sorrow can no longer hinder him.  For this I am thankful.  But for the fact that I will never again get to sit and watch the news with my Paw Paw, I am grieved!  

I will miss him like no other that I have ever lost!

This Weekend

This weekend was a whirlwind to say the least. So much so that I am still fighting the need to just stay in bed and rest all day. But it was SO worth it! I think that I enjoyed this past weekend more than I have enjoyed something in a long time.

So what did I do??? I traveled and saw friends and family.

Friday afternoon: Austin to Fredericksburg; saw Marcie, Jeff, and Emily
Saturday all day: Fredericksburg to Lubbock; saw Anna-Maria. Lubbock to Amarillo; saw Uncle Jerry and Aunt Carolyn
Sunday: Stayed in Amarillo; saw Uncle Jerry and Aunt Carolyn, Paw Paw, Uncle Gaylord and Aunt Eunice, Clay, Becky, Colt (cousins), a lot of people from church who have watched me grow up, several people who live with and care for my grandfather.
Monday all day: Amarillo to Abilene; saw Bryan, Olivia, and Baby-on-the-way Josiah. Abilene back to Austin.

Whoa! That was a long journey.

If you're in for more details, keep reading. Here's the scoop.

This weekend was my Paw Paw's 90th birthday. Wow! I haven't been able to go up and see my extended family in 3 years, including my amazing grandfather. It blows me away how time passes! It is spring break, and since I teach I have the week off (mostly). My mother was able to take a half day on Friday and get Monday off. That meant we had 3 1/2 days to travel from one end of Texas (not quite) to the other.

We started out at about 2:30 on Friday afternoon and drove to Fredericksburg to see my sister, brother and law, and my amazing niece Emily. We stayed there for the night - and lost a little bit of hearing as a result. Man can that baby scream...happy, sad, frustrated, overjoyed...it all contains a very LOUD and high-pitched, near chandelier-breaking scream! Oh but I LOVE her!! She's the best thing in my life!! And, did you know there is another baby on the way? Yes. The babies will be 18 months apart.

Bright and early Saturday morning, we hopped back into the car to make the drive to Amarillo. You go right through Lubbock on the way...which happens to be where one of my best friends from college lives. I haven't seen Anna-Maria in about three years. We stopped off at a coffee shop near her house and met up for about an hour. I could have sat there with her talking for four or five hours, but we just couldn't since we had to get to Amarillo before too late. It was SO wonderful to get to see her and hug her and just sit and talk. I miss my friend!

Before the hour was up, my mom was pointing at the watch and thinking about how late it was getting. So we said our goodbyes, got back on the highway and finished the drive to Amarillo. We got there at about 8:00 and my aunt and uncle (who we stayed with) had waited on dinner for us. So my uncle went out and got some tacos, we sat down, and ate! It was nice to eat something sitting at a table after a day of snacking on stuff in the car! We stayed up late catching up and enjoying each others presence. When it was time to hit the pillow I was so ready to crash that I didn't even read a page of my book before I fell asleep!

Sunday morning came much more quickly than my body wanted...it really wanted to just stay in bed and have a slow start to the day. But alas, it was time to get moving! My mom and I got ready for church and then went to go pick up my Paw Paw. It was a TOTAL surprise to him that we came! My uncle hadn't said anything to him because he didn't want to upset him if we didn't make it for some reason. I walked into his apartment and he just looked at me and blinked a few times as his smile grew wider. He said, "Well Hi Melonie Lynn. What are you doing here?" It was so sweet to see the joy in his face! I LOVE MY PAW PAW!!!! We packed up, went to church, lunch, birthday party, and back to church that night. Whew! It was a LONG day!! We stopped back off at my Paw Paw's to say goodnight and he was so worn out from the day that he couldn't even keep his eyes open. It was kind-of sad, but also a little cute. When we got back to the house to eat dinner, I was so tired that I didn't even feel like chewing! 8:30 hit, I grabbed my book and sat on the couch to read for a bit. I was just about ready to climb into bed when my uncle started a movie...which I got sucked into! We didn't go to bed until MIDNIGHT! Oh, My!! That is late for this little bug! But it was SO wonderful! I could tell that my uncle was so happy to have my mom and I just hanging out with him. And like I said before, I hadn't seen him in three years, so I wanted to get as much Uncle Jerry time in as I could!

Monday morning rolled around before we knew it. We took a little extra time getting ready to go and were out the door at about 9:00. We were ready to head back to Austin. On the way, we stopped off in Abilene (where I went to college) so that I could see another one of my school friends, Olivia. She is such a precious friend! I wanted to sit and catch up with her for hours, but neither of us could. My mom and I had to get back on the road and Olivia had an appointment. But, the stop was not without some amazing moments...I finally got to meet her husband, Bryan. I felt like I knew him already, but I had never been able to meet him. Now I have! Another very special moment is that Olivia is pregnant and I was able to lay my hands on her belly and pray for this very special and intended life! There is a long story there, but the bottom line is that God is amazingly GOOD and this growing life and healthy Mama are proof! The visit was short, but it was wonderful!

My mom and I got back in the car again. My mom wanted to go find some lunch; I wanted to go drive through campus. All I can say is that it's a little like returning home! So we drove around for a bit and got some food. It was nice to have a break from driving on the highway. We didn't take long and then we finished the rest of the stretch back to Austin. We pulled up into my drive-way right around 8:30 in the evening. My poor Mom. Even after getting me unloaded, she still had to make a 20 minute drive home and unload all of her stuff!

All in all, it was a great trip! There were no major incidences, no car problems, and a lot of good time for my mom and I to talk and catch up. I learned some things about her that I never knew...and I think she may have learned some things about me, too! I got to see a lot of people that I love and haven't been able to see in a long time. One sad part was that because it was spring break, most of my cousins were away. So of the 28 family members that live near-by, I only got to see 8. But it was still very much worth it! Now I get to recover!

Yesterday, I didn't leave the house. In fact, I didn't leave my pajamas! I just rested and stayed low-key. Today I am moving slowly, but have to get myself cleaned up to go run some errands and go to work tonight. It will happen. But right now, I think I might go take a nap. =)

Thank You God for the Rain!

We are in the midst of a horrible drought. Tonight, it poured! There was a beautifully bright lightening show that preceded the opening of the flood gates of heaven. Once it started raining, it came pouring out though! It was SO beautiful!

There is something amazing about rain storms; something almost healing to the soul! The plants, animals, water sources all needed refreshed by this down pour. I think my heart did too!

I have always loved rain storms. I think my favorites were as a child out at the farm. During the summer, I would take a trip to the panhandle of Texas and visit my grandparents at the farm. I remember my grandfather taking me out in the tractor one day and going through the wheat fields with him. It started lightening and we had a deep conversation about where lightening comes from, who makes it, how it warns us that rain is coming, and how when it thunders it is not God bowling. It was probably the deepest conversation I had been invited into in my seven or so years of living! That night, it poured! We got back to the Yellow House (that's what I called my grandparent's home) just as the rain began to fall on the Texas Plains! I loved listening to it hitting the roof of the house and beating against the aluminum siding of the window unit. The bonus was that my grandmother wouldn't let me take a bath that night - for fear that I would get electrocuted! My grandfather and I sat down at the kitchen table, ate a bowl of cereal together, and then played a game of cards.

This is the memory I commonly think of when I have the pleasure of observing one of God's really good rain storms! It brings me back to a simple day of hard work, lots of love, and good conversation! There is definitely something healing about rain storms! Thank you God for letting it rain tonight!