I sometimes feel like I'm fighting with myself about who I really am. I know that in my core of cores I am miss au nautural. I believe in trusting the creation of the Lord to know the right thing to do. He made our bodies, mind, and soul. He made us to know how to do things. There is of course the learning curve. But where I am really going is that I feel like I was born in the wrong era! I feel like I am supposed to be some kind of prairie-woman or something. The things I gravitate to just don't seem to be the "norm" of 2011.

I love animals! I love babies! I love land! I have this deep desire to know what it feels like to carry and birth a child without medical assistance and intervention and nourish that child. I don't really have an issue with 2 and 3 year olds who still nurse because they enjoy the special time they have with their mama!  I recognize that this is not for everyone - and I know that it is ok!  (So, please do not feel like I am negating the value of any other opinions out there.)

All of this to say that if I could draw out my ideal life, I would live in some predominately self-sustaining Christian Community where life really looked a lot different than it does today. I would be married, have lots and lots (and lots) of babies, and I would subscribe to the benefits of shared nursing between healthy moms.  This just isn't normal. Well, I actually think it is quite normal. It just isn't the norm.

I know, go ahead and say it...it's a little hippy-ish.  Nothing wrong with that though.  Just to make it sound a little more stereotypical, I'll add in that I would have a garden that is fully loaded with organic foods, make baby food from scratch, and spend 5 hours a day schooling my children, 5 hours a day cooking and cleaning my home, 5 hours a day playing with my friends and family, and the remaining 7 sleeping!

What's the point of this rambling?  I am so torn at times. I feel like there is a huge part of me that is missing out on living the life I was created to live just because I am not married. Surely God has a plan. Surely His timing is right. I mean I believe it...I just doubt it sometimes because I feel like time is passing me by and my dreams are getting left in the dust.

I so badly want to experience the birthing process, that my heart has been engulfed with the desire to support others' through their birthing experience. I have made the decision...after about three years of thinking about it...to become a doula. I have been looking at various websites, seminars, etc to help me in preparing. But this is something that I almost feel like I just have to dive in to the deep end to really get the experience I am after. I don't know how, though. I am excited, but I am also TERRIFIED! I want to jump, but I am afraid of failing. I am afraid that I will start and get stuck somewhere along the line. I am concerned about affording everything in the training process and still being able to survive. Not that I am really raking in the money as a part-time pre-school teacher for a church-based mother's day out program. I mean, money is something I am learning to live without. But what about the time, the body stamina, all of the details? I am a little overwhelmed!

So, I once again come back to baby-steps. My baby-step number one is that I will report back in one month saying that I have purchased my first "text" book required. Then the following month, I will report back that I have read said text book. I don't know the rest of the baby steps yet, but this is at least a start. We'll see where the Lord takes me in this journey!