A Different Me

I want to be a different me. I don't really like the me that I am right now! It isn't that I am a bad me - or that there are a whole lot of things about me that are horrible. OK - there are plenty of things I would like to change. Hence wanting to be a different me! But I really just don't feel like the me that I am used to...and really enjoy being!

I want to be more artsy. Instead of dabbling here and there in the arts, I want to be proficient...at about 10 different mediums!

I want to be more confident. I don't want to let all of the crazy imperfections of my day drive me so batty! So what if my hair won't stay styled for more than 10 minutes after I have fixed it? It still looks fine. And does anyone else really care that I am wearing a shirt that I have owned for 5 years? It isn't stained, torn, or faded...it's ok.

I want to not have RA...or migraines! Therefore, also having more money! Not that money matters too much to me, but I would at least like to have enough that I know it is ok for me to sign a lease without fear that I am going to leave my roommates in a lurch! Plus, not being in pain all the time would be so amazing! I think that is one of the things about Heaven that I look forward to the most!

I want to do work that makes me happy, makes a difference, is fun, is meaningful, and doesn't involve getting yelled at, cussed at, or always having to put "band-aids" on gaping wounds. I want to be able to talk about Jesus, pray, and share real things in real ways. I don't want the success of my day, week, or month to measured in metrics like how quickly I can close the door on the last person I talked to or how glued to my chair & phone I am.

I want freedom! I feel like such a caged bird these days! I feel like everything inside of me wants to explode out in an uncontrollable gush - like the molten-hot lava pouring from an active Mount St. Helens. What I feel like is really happening is that I am just dieing though. I can't explode, so all of the passion and energy and joy that makes me who I am is going to just fizzle out and die until there is nothing left but silent apathy! Then what?

Life isn't worth much without passion! Without the swell of the ocean's wave, there would be no tide. Without the climax in a good book, there would be no resolution. Without a growing tension in a beautiful symphony, there would be no tears! We need passion to live; to enjoy life!

I want to be a different me, because the me that exists right now has lost my fire! I have lost the things that make me want to get up and chase the day! I have lost the desire to push back when I don't like the way things are! I have lost something...something that is crucial to who I am. But how to get it back, I haven't figured out!