Living in Obedience...or at least Trying (Part One)

Life really is a journey; one that we can't always plan or predict. Proverbs 16:9 says, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Again in Proverbs 19:21 we read, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

I have made many plans in the last couple of years. I have even made them with the intent of following the paths that God lays out for me. Somehow these "plans" have not always been fulfilled the way I expected. This past year has been…well…I don’t know what to call it! Here is the journey I have been on...the good, bad, pretty, and ugly! Through it I have learned a LOT and I know the learning is not over! I thank the Lord that despite the plans I make, His plans prevail!

In the spring of 2008, I began feeling like the Lord was opening the door for me to leave the job I was at...working as a Cancer Information Specialist with the American Cancer Society. I found a lot of satisfaction in my job, but I also bore a lot of sorrow that was not mine to carry! It was taking a toll on my health. I suffered chronic migraines, had restless sleep due to frequent job-related dreams, and the compassion that I typically had for people was growing thin. Several people in my life were noticing the effects that this job had on me and were counseling me to look for different work. I had a hard time doing that, because I felt like it was God who made a way for me to be there and I didn't know if what I was there for was complete. So, I started asking Him to let me know if it was time to move on.

I felt the movement of release from my job. But I didn't know what I was going to do! I thought about nursing school, completing a degree in Theology, or something else "school" related. Nothing seemed to "fit" at the moment. I continued along for quite a while in this place of my heart not really being in the day-to-day motions that I was living through. I was also dealing with a lot of health issues that really interfered with my ability to focus on anything outside of what was happening in the moment. I knew I was ready to leave, I just didn't know what to leave for!

In September, a prophetic word was spoken over me at church. I knew as soon as I heard it that the Lord was clarifying for me that not only was I ready to quit my job, He was ready for me to quit. That was pretty terrifying for me! After all, my job is the way I pay my bills, buy my food, and at the time much more important provided for medical expenses. My job was my security and my provision.

I went through that year at work, constantly feeling like I was in a place that I didn't belong. Work was fine. But underneath it all, in my heart of hearts, I knew I was disobeying the Lord. It was very hard to stomach! I was living in bondage, not freedom! And I will add, that the bondage I was in was because my view of what kept me safe was VERY skewed! Once again, I saw my job as my security and my provision. Without work, I would fall off the edge of a cliff and that would be the end! I was not going to quit my job until I had a clear picture of what it was I would be doing next. I told God this on multiple occasions. I even yelled at Him one night telling Him that what He was asking was unfair and that I WOULD NOT do what He was asking until I had another job! I sent out at least 60 resumes/applications throughout the year and got not one job offer! That had never happened to me, and I was taking it personally!

In the spring of 2009, now a year after all this began, I received another prophetic word, this one was very clear to the person delivering it as well as me; I was to quit my job. I couldn't do it! I didn't trust God enough to meet my every need. Despite the fact that during this time He had provided very inexpensive housing for me, provided a car, and surrounded me with people who would support me in the decision to leave. I could not bring myself to obey!

I started looking at options that would offer a "clause" to the leaving a job with no other job lined up and not having the savings needed to survive without work. As I mentioned, I had thought about going to a school of theology. I wanted more understanding of the heart of God and the destiny that He set in motion when He created me! I wanted to know what it was to live on the edge and trust that God will keep me from falling. So I applied to Bethel, a non-accredited school of Biblical Studies in California. I was VERY excited about going! I put my notice in at work and a wave of peace and release came over me. I had finally listened to the Lord...or had I? What had He been asking of me? Was it just about quitting my job? NO. It was about allowing Him to be my provision and my security. These were two things that I just didn’t trust Him to be!

I found out just two weeks before I was going to move to California that I didn't get accepted to Bethel. I was heart-broken. That doesn't even begin to encompass what was happening in my heart! My plan had failed! I was now living in a temporary housing situation that was to end in a few weeks, had quit my job, and my heart was in the pit of rejection! I was terrified! What had God done? Why had He asked me to take the steps I had been taking? Why didn't I get accepted? What was I going to do now? These and many more questions swarmed in my head! I was so "lost" in this time that I had my doctor prescribe anti-depressants just so I could carry myself through each day. I couldn't think clearly, I couldn't feel clearly, and sometimes I couldn't breathe clearly!

When I found out I didn’t get accepted to Bethel, my supervisor at work told me that if I wanted to keep my job they would welcome me back. I just needed to make the decision within two days. A blessing. Right? Well, the thing is that I KNOW that what the Lord had asked of me was to leave my job. That was ultimately my primary reason for applying to Bethel. It was the clause. If I left going to something, then I wasn't being irresponsible by leaving my job without another lined up. I knew the sense of relief and peace that came over me when I turned in my resignation. And I knew the excitement that was in my heart of getting to do something different than talking about cancer all day! I had experienced the first part of obedience and I didn't want to go back on that. On the flip-side of that truth, I also didn't feel like I could justify not taking my job back. It had been offered to me; without consequence of my intent to leave. I didn't feel like I could justify being jobless and living in someone's home as a guest, knowing that I could have done something to at least keep my job. The torment of making this decision (and in two days none-the-less) was horrific! I decided that 1) I could always quit again if I felt like I should and 2) they were about to go through lay-offs and if I got laid off instead of quitting I could at least have access to continued health care options. Whereas those are both valid thoughts, I am here to say that choosing to disobey the Lord just because we think we can justify it is wrong! It is still disobedience!

I kept my job and the following few months were some of the hardest and most difficult that I have ever experienced! They did go through lay-offs, but I kept my job. Some might declare this as a blessing. I didn’t. I was still living in fear of what could happen if I obeyed the Lord and fear of what would happen if I didn't. That was the spiritual side. On the practical side...when many people are laid off, the workload feels much heavier to those that are left behind! I may have had a job, but I was miserable!

In January, I finally decided that I could not keep running. The Lord was not changing what He had asked of me! The Lord was still urging me to see my security and provision in Him, not in the American Cancer Society! I turned in my resignation and left after almost 5 years of working for the same company. It was a bitter-sweet parting! I really did love the work I did. I was good at it. I made a difference in someone's life each and every day that I was there. Now, what was I leaving to? I had no clue! And I would be lying through my teeth if I said I was anything but frightened of what was to come!

The Waiting Is Over!

As of yesterday, March 25 at 1:20 in the afternoon, I am officially an Aunty!!!

Oh, she is SO amazing! She was 6 pounds 3 ounces and 19 inches long. Meet Emily Kate Lawrence.

Marcie, my sister, is taking to being a Mommy like a natural! It is so precious to see her caring for her new baby! Unfortunately she had to have a cesarean section, but she is recovering well! She will probably be sore for a while and have to take it slow, but she seems to be doing great! Doesn't she just look so beautiful holding Emily?

And my Mother is on cloud nine! This is her first grand baby. She is absolutely smitten by this little girl! Then again, so am I!

Isn't she just a dream?

Waiting is hard to do

Patience has never been my thing. In fact, I am pretty notorious for just doing things myself that other's say they will do just to get the job done. Well, this doesn't work so well when waiting for a baby to arrive!

My niece is due any day now -- and I am having a hard time waiting! I want her to be here...yesterday! I just can't wait any longer! I am so excited that I am actually growing anxious!

I haven't slept well for the last two nights because all night long I am thinking that my phone is ringing to let me know that I need to get to the hospital. When I finally do fall asleep, do you know what I dream about? I dream about missing her birth. I actually had a dream the other day that my roommate saw me and told me how cute my niece was. She had gotten to see her and I didn't even know she had been born yet!

I am just so incredibly excited! I can't wait to post a picture of her and let everyone know that she has arrived safe and healthy and strong!

Jealous???

I spent the day taking care of odds and ends and relaxing. I also spent some time on the ever famous Facebook! I got reconnected with one of my good friends from high school, and of course that led to connecting to other old friends.

As I looked at the info pages, pictures, etc of these long lost relationships, I realized that I was starting to feel a little edgy. I saw some fun pictures back from "the day" and got a good laugh. I also started remembering some of the things that I had pushed way WAY back into the forgotten corners of my memory! Not all of high school was great for me. In fact, most of it just down right stunk!

Now, I'm looking through and seeing how this person has a beautiful family and this one had a great house. This one has an amazing career. Rather than feeling really happy for them, my immediate response to some of these people was - "Why didn't it work out that way for me? Why did they get...?"

Wow! I still have a lot of growing up to do! It's amazing how I can get jealous of people that I don't even really know anymore. Oh, how I wish that my heart was good enough to just be excited for other people without wishing that I could have what they have - or want something different than what I do have!

Lord, please continue to weed out the selfishness in me and teach me to be grateful for all of the blessings that I have! Show me ways to honor you and bless my friends and acquaintances. Father, thank you for continually meeting me where I am and showing me greater depths of your heart and your goodness! Thank you for always forgiving me for my accusations and judgements against others. You are a gracious and merciful God, and I will praise you all of my days!

Checking In

So I apparently only write on my blog about once a month now a days. So here is the catch up.

For the last year and a half I have been feeling like I was supposed to leave my job. I felt very strongly that the Lord was asking me to surrender my hold that I had. The more I meditated on this and asked God "why" the more understanding I had that it is because I place my trust and security in the provision of my job more than that of the Lord. So after much prayer and a fair amount of tears, I submitted my resignation and left on January 19. This was a HUGE step of faith for me! It took a lot of courage, but even more than that it took me trusting that God is my provider. I left without another job lined up and not really knowing what I want to do. I felt as though I was in a store and I could take anything off the shelf and it would be ok. But what???

I had thoughts of going back to nannying. I did this for years before I became a Cancer Information Specialist for the American Cancer Society. I love it! In fact, I feel like there is a piece of my God-destined purpose in caring for young children and families!

I contemplated getting certified as a doula. This is something that is right in line with my desires! I think of the opportunities I would have to love, care for, and support families as they prepare for the entrance and first weeks or months of their new child's life! Wow! I could sow some amazing blessings on families through that!

I dreamed of starting a Allergy Aware, Gluten-Free restaurant and coffee shop in the area where I live. After all, even as people become more aware of food allergies and health issues such as Celiac Disease, it can still be very difficult to eat out and get just what you want away from home. Oh to go to a place where I could order something more than a basic salad. I want to go where I can order a sandwich and KNOW that the bread is gluten-free and dairy free, that the meat doesn't have added preservatives, and that the dressings where made from as natural as it gets ingredients and everything is clearly labeled to let me know what potential allergens may be present! I still want to do this -- it just takes a lot more than I have right now!

I also thought of going back to school! School is always a good option in times of income deprivation and searching for that thing that you want to be when you grow up. Right? So, if I went back to school, what would I do? That's an easy one to answer! I would go to nursing school -- or at least to school to get the prereqs done while I apply and wait to get accepting into nursing school! What would I want to do with a nursing degree??? I would want to take care of babies! Oh yes, we are back to the babies! I can see myself years down the line as a CNM (Certified Nurse Midwife) delivering babies using natural childbirth methods or as a NNP (Neonatal Nurse Practitioner) caring for frail infants.

I promise I don't just have a bad case of the baby blues! I have always felt like the destiny that the Lord has for me has to do with babies and young children! When I was younger I couldn't wait to start babysitting! I would go around the neighborhood and befriend all of the families with small children and ask if there were ways I could help out. I was too young for most parents to want to leave their children alone with me to care for, but I didn't mind just hanging around and folding clothes, feeding a baby, changing diapers, sterilizing bottles -- whatever I noticed that needed to be done. I loved babysitting and dreaming of the day that I would have my own children to love on and care for. Twenty years has passed, but not too much has changed. Most of my friends have families of their own now - some of them I knew long before family came along and some I befriended because I was drawn to them during pregnancy or shortly after having their child(ren). I look around their houses when I am over and do little things that will bless them and maybe make their day a hint easier. I will love on their children, do some laundry, wash dishes, put away toys, etc. I still love babysitting (and yes, dreaming of the day that I will have my own children to love on and care for). But, the point here is that I can see beyond the wanting of my own children now. I can see that somehow caring for all of the hundreds of babies I have held and kissed isn't just about practicing to become a Mom. It is about sowing the blessings and love of the Father, God, into those He created and destined for great things!

So what am I actually doing with my time right now? Doing a lot of babysitting, a lot of praying, and a lot of trusting. It isn't easy! I have decided to hold off on starting a restaurant (smiles and winks) for a little while at least. I also decided that while still paying off the loans I took out for undergrad many moons ago I am not going to enter into greater debt of going back to school. Unless the Lord spoke to me from a blazing lightening bolt (or something just as obvious) I just don't think that it would honor Him in the way I would want it to right now. The doula training is still on the table! I would love to do it NOW - the biggest thing stopping me is affording the training and knowing what I would do to earn income while doing it and going through the apprenticing.

I have had some wonderful opportunities to love on (and get loved on by) some little friends over the last few weeks, though! Oh how I love it! There is just something so magnificent and special about being with our innocent ones who have so recently been in the creating hands of our amazing Maker! In a world that is so broken, there isn't anything that is quite so right!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Yesterday was my 31st Birthday! I have always been a bit of a birthday princess. It's kind-of funny. I don't generally gravitate toward the party or want to be in the spot-light. But on my birthday, I want to be recognized as being special. It is one day each year that I celebrate being me!

Normally on my birthday I take the day off of work, sleep as late as I want to, and then slowly start my morning. About the time that I get hungry, I get myself ready and go out and buy breakfast - this is a big deal for those who don't know me. Then I spend the day going to stores I like and shopping or window shopping. I may have lunch with a friend. I may go sit at a park. I pretty much give myself license to not schedule anything! It's awesome!

This year, I did something different. Late Sunday night a friend called and asked if I could watch her son on Monday, because their babysitter was sick. I love taking care of him, so I said yes. It was a wonderful day! I got to play with a one-year-old! It doesn't get much better than that! Plus, my morning started out getting a text saying "Happy Birthday, Gorgeous" from a friend. The messages continued throughout the day! I got texts, phone calls, and facebook messages all day wishing me a happy birthday and wishing me blessings! It was just so wonderful that I can't even begin to describe how great it made me feel!

Thank you to everyone who messaged me in some way and wished me a happy birthday! I appreciate you celebrating my life with me! And for those of you friends who live near, my party is Saturday night - the more the merrier!

What's Going On?

It's been a while...ok a very long while...since I last wrote. I needed an even longer break than I thought! I may be making some changes to my blog, but I haven't quite decided what yet. I was challenged by some people in a writer's discipleship group that I was in to spend some time trying to re-define what I wanted my blog to be. One of them told me that it seems my purpose changed along the way, but I never recognized it. So, I have been thinking about that. I still don't know exactly what I want this to look like. I think that is part of what appeals to me about a blog - having a place where I can just let life happen! Sometimes I can be more consistent than others. Sometimes I can be more positive than others. That's just life!

So, here is an update of what has me consumed right now.

I moved at the end of December. I am living in the same city - on the other side. It feels like a different city all together! I am living with two girls that I met through a mutual friend. They are both Christians and go to a church-plant of the church that I go to. I have really enjoyed living with two other girls that are my age, in a similar place in life, and have a similar belief structure! It is wonderful. It is also nice that they are fun! Short comment here is that I like where I am living and the girls I am living with!

In January, I left my job. I had been there for almost 5 years. It was a touch decision - one that I have been weighing for over a year (actually about 19 months)! I knew it was right, but it was just really hard to leave! There are a lot of things about my job that drove me insane -- like having so stay tied to a telephone and desk and constantly being evaluated by metrics that I didn't feel really gave a true picture of the measure of the work being done! However there were also far more things about the job that I loved and that I really placed at the core of my identity -- helping people, offering hope, listening where there is pain, offering resources that may help, never giving up or quitting on someone who is in need. These are all things that made me want to stay regardless of how much the other things made me want to leave!

I finally decided to do it, though! Like I said, I knew it was the right thing. I knew that until I took that step I would not be content. I am very happy; very joyful, peaceful, and contented at the moment. Not to say that it isn't a little weird to not have a steady M-F, 8-5 job right now. It is! I have to be very careful about money and I can not be picky about what opportunities I take right now. I am pretty much taking every babysitting job that comes my way to make ends meet until I settle into the right thing. But I am good.

The other great joy of my life right now is that my sister is going to have her baby very soon! She is due in about 7 weeks! AHHHH!!! I CAN'T WAIT!!!!! I don't think I have ever been so excited about anything in my life before! Is it actually possible to love someone you don't really know yet THIS much??? Oh I think it is - because I do! My heart has exploded in pink! Every time I hear the name Emily (that is my niece's name) my heart beats a little faster. I have been spending time looking at baby this and baby that. What's happening to me??? All I know is that my hands have this "Oh I gotta hold ya" feeling and she isn't even here yet!

One of my roommates is a baby nurse -- she takes care of newborns and sick babies in the hospital. I know a lot about newborns because of nannying and friends having babies, but there is something different about it being family. I have asked my roomie so many questions about getting ready and what to expect and when to go and ... that I think she is probably about ready to just throw some baby books my direction! As I'm writing this I am realizing that I think I might be a little nervous about this whole thing! For however nervous I am, I am just as excited!

That is my current life on a page. I'm sure there is more, but I'm going to leave it there for now!

A Different Me

I want to be a different me. I don't really like the me that I am right now! It isn't that I am a bad me - or that there are a whole lot of things about me that are horrible. OK - there are plenty of things I would like to change. Hence wanting to be a different me! But I really just don't feel like the me that I am used to...and really enjoy being!

I want to be more artsy. Instead of dabbling here and there in the arts, I want to be proficient...at about 10 different mediums!

I want to be more confident. I don't want to let all of the crazy imperfections of my day drive me so batty! So what if my hair won't stay styled for more than 10 minutes after I have fixed it? It still looks fine. And does anyone else really care that I am wearing a shirt that I have owned for 5 years? It isn't stained, torn, or faded...it's ok.

I want to not have RA...or migraines! Therefore, also having more money! Not that money matters too much to me, but I would at least like to have enough that I know it is ok for me to sign a lease without fear that I am going to leave my roommates in a lurch! Plus, not being in pain all the time would be so amazing! I think that is one of the things about Heaven that I look forward to the most!

I want to do work that makes me happy, makes a difference, is fun, is meaningful, and doesn't involve getting yelled at, cussed at, or always having to put "band-aids" on gaping wounds. I want to be able to talk about Jesus, pray, and share real things in real ways. I don't want the success of my day, week, or month to measured in metrics like how quickly I can close the door on the last person I talked to or how glued to my chair & phone I am.

I want freedom! I feel like such a caged bird these days! I feel like everything inside of me wants to explode out in an uncontrollable gush - like the molten-hot lava pouring from an active Mount St. Helens. What I feel like is really happening is that I am just dieing though. I can't explode, so all of the passion and energy and joy that makes me who I am is going to just fizzle out and die until there is nothing left but silent apathy! Then what?

Life isn't worth much without passion! Without the swell of the ocean's wave, there would be no tide. Without the climax in a good book, there would be no resolution. Without a growing tension in a beautiful symphony, there would be no tears! We need passion to live; to enjoy life!

I want to be a different me, because the me that exists right now has lost my fire! I have lost the things that make me want to get up and chase the day! I have lost the desire to push back when I don't like the way things are! I have lost something...something that is crucial to who I am. But how to get it back, I haven't figured out!

BELOA

OK. So I think I might be sort-of back from my BELOA (Blogger's Extended Leave of Absence).

I have been in a bit of a funk over the last couple of months and just needed to let some things go for a bit. I stopped writing on my blog and gave myself a reprieve from making my bed one day a week. Then, I took my car through a car wash - the kind where you actually get out so they can vacuum the inside for you before running it through the sprayer thingy and then the guys dry the car for you. I also got a pedicure. All of this in the last month-and-a-half. It was nice to let go of a few things and treat myself to a couple of others. I needed it.

However, the funk is not gone. Life just isn't what I want it to be - or what I planned and I think I am having a hard time figuring out how to move forward with joy and confidence. I am still a long-term guest in a home that is not my own. I don't have my cats. I still have no clue what I want to be doing or am supposed to be doing for "life-work". Then there are all of the other things of life - health, finances, relationships... I am so restless where I am, yet I completely lack the energy or courage to make any changes right now! Please don't take these all for complaints! That is part of the reason for my BELOA! I needed to take some time to try to re-focus on the things that really are important to me and somehow find them - or find me in them. I'm not there. I am around, though.

Welcome to the World, Emily Loraine Curtiss

Emily made it out of her Mama's belly and into the world! She is a precious doll! A 7 lb 13 oz, 21 inch long, baby doll! Oh My! Isn't she beautiful?



I have an adorable picture of her Mommy holding her, but I'm having issues getting it to post. Here are a couple of me holding her. I also wanted to post some of our friend, Randi. I think she was awaiting this baby with more excitement than anyone! She is calling her "Little Tree Frog". Too cute! It brought me so much joy to watch her holding her and cuddling her! You can see pictures of her here: http://rmichelle.blogspot.com/ .





















(And it's so not the point of this post, but don't I need a hair cut oh so badly? It's horrible! My hair has lost all ability to hold a style! I'm just too darn cheap to go get it cut, though. It's in the "wish" budget for November. Can I make it that long???)