I'm A Captive Set Free

2011-04-01T07:57:00.003-05:00

Yesterday

Yesterday I was worried about myself. I woke up thinking about the laundry list of worries I had on my plate for the day. I spilled my smoothie in the car on the way to work...no breakfast is not a great way to start the day of chasing after a classroom of 2 and 3 year olds. I was in a bit of a mood, before the day really even started. I left work and went to get groceries, worrying about how much money could be spent. I came home and had a little money-stress break-down. The day had been all about me and all about the stresses that consume me.

Then, last night I got a message from my sister that she and her husband had been in a car accident. The focus of the day changed just a bit! My sister and her husband are ok. So is the person in the other car involved. But all of a sudden, my concerns about my bank account, energy level, and things-to-do list just didn't really matter very much!

It's amazing how one event can cause a shift in perspective!

I almost feel like I wasted yesterday, because I was so consumed by worry. I spent the day thinking about what I do not have, rather than focusing on the amazing blessings in my life.

So in the spirit of starting today out better than I did yesterday, here are a few things I am thankful for!

1) My sister and her husband are ok
2) My other sister is pregnant with baby #2 and they are both healthy
3) Next week one of my friends from college is coming to Austin
4) I have a safe place to live
5) There are people who value me and see the good things in me and the things I am capable of.

Have a blessed day, everyone.

2011-03-27T19:22:00.003-05:00

Heart Break - Taking it to God

So many things in life have the potential to break our hearts. Things that happen to us, to those close to us, and even to people we have never met but only heard their heart-wrenching stories. What do we do with that pain?

The cliche answer I know is, "Take it to God." That's a great answer, but how do you really do it? What is it to really bring brokenness and pain to the Lord? And what happens to it when you do? Once you have "gone to the Lord" is the hurt supposed to go away? If it doesn't, does it mean you didn't really take it to God?

I can't really answer all of these questions. But I know in the depths of my heart that God hurts with us. In Psalm 56 it is recorded that the Lord has each of our sorrows written down and that He has collected our tears.

For me, the greatest way to bring my hurts to God is through worship. There is no prescription for how this looks, but often it happens something like this for me. I turn on some praise music and start dancing and singing and often times weeping. Then, when all of the anxious energy has faded, and the grief has lost it's violence I find myself still. In this stillness, I know I am on Holy ground! I know that I am fully in the presence of my Maker. A lot of times, I will sit in this silence for a very long time. Sometimes it is hard, though. Even through the peace of knowing that I have curled up into the lap of my Papa God, I am still restless. But He embraces me and then allows me to stay or go. God is a good parent. He gives me the freedom to choose.

When I choose to stay, I just hang out with God. I tell Him what is on my heart...yet He already knows. I may continue in silence, sing, read scripture, or journal. There isn't a "right" amount of time. But usually I know when I have worked through it, and I continue with my day in whatever manner feels right.

Often, the hurt and pain are still very much present. The sting may be a little less. And for a while, it may be gone. But heart ache isn't something that just goes away! It stays with us for a while...sometimes forever. Taking things to the Lord may offer resolution, understanding, and healing. Sometimes it is immediate and sometimes it is not. But, it is good!

The last question I wrote above was asking if the pain remaining means that I didn't really give the Lord my pain. The answer (in my humble opinion) is no. It is very possible to give something fully to the Lord...or as fully as you know how to...and still hurt. The Lord is a good God. He offers hope, peace, joy, and help. And sometimes (often in my case) I will go to the Lord with something and want to hold onto a piece of it. He wants me to let go fully, but once again He doesn't force it. He allows me the chance to concede and allow Him everything, but He also allows me to walk away with whatever remnant I want to hold onto. And then, I get to come back and do it again.

But, just because you still hurt it doesn't mean that you have done that. Ask the Lord to search your heart and show you what you are holding onto. Ask Him how to let go when it feels like there is no way your fists can possibly relinquish the grasp they hold. Ask Him to help you. He is faithful! He is good! He loves his children so amazingly much and so amazingly well!

2011-03-23T16:16:00.002-05:00

Changing Seasons

This weekend is my nieces first birthday. Wow how the year has flown by! I always assumed that when my sisters had babies I would be around all the time. I would never miss a single mile-stone. Well, in the last year I have missed many. Fredericksburg isn't that far away from Austin, but it also isn't just down the street. In the last year, Emily has hit just about every point of development that you would expect of a baby. But, I only get to see her about once a month...sometimes less. So everytime I see her, it seems that she has changed so much. I just saw her two weeks ago, so I hope that this time not too much has changed! It amazes me how quickly one year can go by and how much a baby really does grow! Before I know it, Baby Number 2 will be born and we'll be doing it all over again. I can't wait for that one either! (FYI: Estimated Date of Arrival is October 6.)

Onto other news, I have been bit by the Spring Garden Bug. I have been spending a little bit of time each day outside, cleaning up from the winter months and prepping for the spring. I have huge dreams of what I want to do. Too bad my energy and finances can't keep up with my imagination! One day...maybe?

We have a lot of stuff that needs clearing away and that part isn't as fun to me as putting the new stuff in. Unfortunately it is a little difficult to do one without the other. It's that whole baby-steps thing again. It has to get done in stages and I don't really appreciate the process as much as the product. Oh, how God continuously teaches me about the state of my heart through every-day things! It really isn't just plants that I see this message in.

I need encouragement to not give up on the process even if I don't see the results I want immediately. It is far better to grow and hit some awkward stages along the way than it is to always stay the same. Right? At least this is what I have been told! Looking forward to posting updates along the way.

2011-03-16T10:35:00.005-05:00

This Weekend

This weekend was a whirlwind to say the least. So much so that I am still fighting the need to just stay in bed and rest all day. But it was SO worth it! I think that I enjoyed this past weekend more than I have enjoyed something in a long time.

So what did I do??? I traveled and saw friends and family.

Friday afternoon: Austin to Fredericksburg; saw Marcie, Jeff, and Emily
Saturday all day: Fredericksburg to Lubbock; saw Anna-Maria. Lubbock to Amarillo; saw Uncle Jerry and Aunt Carolyn
Sunday: Stayed in Amarillo; saw Uncle Jerry and Aunt Carolyn, Paw Paw, Uncle Gaylord and Aunt Eunice, Clay, Becky, Colt (cousins), a lot of people from church who have watched me grow up, several people who live with and care for my grandfather.
Monday all day: Amarillo to Abilene; saw Bryan, Olivia, and Baby-on-the-way Josiah. Abilene back to Austin.

Whoa! That was a long journey.

If you're in for more details, keep reading. Here's the scoop.

This weekend was my Paw Paw's 90th birthday. Wow! I haven't been able to go up and see my extended family in 3 years, including my amazing grandfather. It blows me away how time passes! It is spring break, and since I teach I have the week off (mostly). My mother was able to take a half day on Friday and get Monday off. That meant we had 3 1/2 days to travel from one end of Texas (not quite) to the other.

We started out at about 2:30 on Friday afternoon and drove to Fredericksburg to see my sister, brother and law, and my amazing niece Emily. We stayed there for the night - and lost a little bit of hearing as a result. Man can that baby scream...happy, sad, frustrated, overjoyed...it all contains a very LOUD and high-pitched, near chandelier-breaking scream! Oh but I LOVE her!! She's the best thing in my life!! And, did you know there is another baby on the way? Yes. The babies will be 18 months apart.

Bright and early Saturday morning, we hopped back into the car to make the drive to Amarillo. You go right through Lubbock on the way...which happens to be where one of my best friends from college lives. I haven't seen Anna-Maria in about three years. We stopped off at a coffee shop near her house and met up for about an hour. I could have sat there with her talking for four or five hours, but we just couldn't since we had to get to Amarillo before too late. It was SO wonderful to get to see her and hug her and just sit and talk. I miss my friend!

Before the hour was up, my mom was pointing at the watch and thinking about how late it was getting. So we said our goodbyes, got back on the highway and finished the drive to Amarillo. We got there at about 8:00 and my aunt and uncle (who we stayed with) had waited on dinner for us. So my uncle went out and got some tacos, we sat down, and ate! It was nice to eat something sitting at a table after a day of snacking on stuff in the car! We stayed up late catching up and enjoying each others presence. When it was time to hit the pillow I was so ready to crash that I didn't even read a page of my book before I fell asleep!

Sunday morning came much more quickly than my body wanted...it really wanted to just stay in bed and have a slow start to the day. But alas, it was time to get moving! My mom and I got ready for church and then went to go pick up my Paw Paw. It was a TOTAL surprise to him that we came! My uncle hadn't said anything to him because he didn't want to upset him if we didn't make it for some reason. I walked into his apartment and he just looked at me and blinked a few times as his smile grew wider. He said, "Well Hi Melonie Lynn. What are you doing here?" It was so sweet to see the joy in his face! I LOVE MY PAW PAW!!!! We packed up, went to church, lunch, birthday party, and back to church that night. Whew! It was a LONG day!! We stopped back off at my Paw Paw's to say goodnight and he was so worn out from the day that he couldn't even keep his eyes open. It was kind-of sad, but also a little cute. When we got back to the house to eat dinner, I was so tired that I didn't even feel like chewing! 8:30 hit, I grabbed my book and sat on the couch to read for a bit. I was just about ready to climb into bed when my uncle started a movie...which I got sucked into! We didn't go to bed until MIDNIGHT! Oh, My!! That is late for this little bug! But it was SO wonderful! I could tell that my uncle was so happy to have my mom and I just hanging out with him. And like I said before, I hadn't seen him in three years, so I wanted to get as much Uncle Jerry time in as I could!

Monday morning rolled around before we knew it. We took a little extra time getting ready to go and were out the door at about 9:00. We were ready to head back to Austin. On the way, we stopped off in Abilene (where I went to college) so that I could see another one of my school friends, Olivia. She is such a precious friend! I wanted to sit and catch up with her for hours, but neither of us could. My mom and I had to get back on the road and Olivia had an appointment. But, the stop was not without some amazing moments...I finally got to meet her husband, Bryan. I felt like I knew him already, but I had never been able to meet him. Now I have! Another very special moment is that Olivia is pregnant and I was able to lay my hands on her belly and pray for this very special and intended life! There is a long story there, but the bottom line is that God is amazingly GOOD and this growing life and healthy Mama are proof! The visit was short, but it was wonderful!

My mom and I got back in the car again. My mom wanted to go find some lunch; I wanted to go drive through campus. All I can say is that it's a little like returning home! So we drove around for a bit and got some food. It was nice to have a break from driving on the highway. We didn't take long and then we finished the rest of the stretch back to Austin. We pulled up into my drive-way right around 8:30 in the evening. My poor Mom. Even after getting me unloaded, she still had to make a 20 minute drive home and unload all of her stuff!

All in all, it was a great trip! There were no major incidences, no car problems, and a lot of good time for my mom and I to talk and catch up. I learned some things about her that I never knew...and I think she may have learned some things about me, too! I got to see a lot of people that I love and haven't been able to see in a long time. One sad part was that because it was spring break, most of my cousins were away. So of the 28 family members that live near-by, I only got to see 8. But it was still very much worth it! Now I get to recover!

Yesterday, I didn't leave the house. In fact, I didn't leave my pajamas! I just rested and stayed low-key. Today I am moving slowly, but have to get myself cleaned up to go run some errands and go to work tonight. It will happen. But right now, I think I might go take a nap. =)

2011-03-04T23:01:00.002-06:00

I sometimes feel like I'm fighting with myself about who I really am. I know that in my core of cores I am miss au nautural. I believe in trusting the creation of the Lord to know the right thing to do. He made our bodies, mind, and soul. He made us to know how to do things. There is of course the learning curve. But where I am really going is that I feel like I was born in the wrong era! I feel like I am supposed to be some kind of prairie-woman or something. The things I gravitate to just don't seem to be the "norm" of 2011.

I love animals! I love babies! I love land! I have this DEEP desire to know what it feels like to carry a baby, birth said child without medical assistance and intervention, nurse that child...really until that child decides it doesn't want to nurse anymore. I don't really have an issue with 2 and 3 year olds who still nurse because they enjoy the special time they have with their mama! It doesn't bother me the way that I know it does so many other people. If I could draw out my ideal life, I would live in some Christian Community where life really looked a lot different than it does today. I would be married, have lots and lots of babies, allow other healthy women that I trust to nurse my children in my absence, and offer to nurse theirs when they couldn't. This just isn't normal. Well, I actually think it is quite normal. It just isn't the norm.

I am so torn at times. I feel like there is a huge part of me that is missing out on living the life I was created to live just because I am not married. Surely God has a plan. Surely His timing is right. I mean I believe it...I just doubt it sometimes because I feel like time is passing me by and my dreams are getting left in the dust.

I so badly want to experience the birthing process, that my heart has been engulfed with the desire to support others' through their birthing experience. I have made the decision...after about three years of thinking about it...to become a doula. I have been looking at various websites, seminars, etc to help me in preparing. But this is something that I almost feel like I just have to dive in to the deep end to really get the experience I am after. I don't know how, though. I am excited, but I am also TERRIFIED! I want to jump, but I am afraid of failing. I am afraid that I will start and get stuck somewhere along the line. I am concerned about affording everything in the training process and still being able to survive. Not that I am really raking in the money as a part-time pre-school teacher for a church-based mother's day out program. I mean, money is something I am learning to live without. But what about the time, the body stamina, all of the details? I am a little overwhelmed!

So, I once again come back to baby-steps. My baby-step number one is that I will report back in one month saying that I have purchased my first "text" book required. Then the following month, I will report back that I have read said text book. I don't know the rest of the baby steps yet, but this is at least a start. We'll see where the Lord takes me in this journey!

2011-03-04T18:08:00.003-06:00

Great Day!!

There is this little boy that I periodically babysit. I have had the privilege of caring for him since he was a little baby. Now he is two! He is so big and enjoys trying to do things on his own. He is just so much fun! Every time I baby sit him, I leave in such a wonderful mood. He is just that spectacular! Today, as the day was winding down, I started to get my bag together. He looked over at me and said, "You leave me now? Don't leave me Lynn." I assured him that I was not going to leave him alone (his dad wasn't home from work yet). I said, "I love you, V-." He looked back at me and said, "No. I love you!" OH MY GOODNESS!!! My heart just about fell apart right then! It is so amazing to have little people in your life to remind you of the simple ways of loving!

Today was SO much better than yesterday! And you know what? I get to baby sit V again tomorrow!!

2011-03-03T22:25:00.004-06:00

I have once again gone on a hiatus from blog-writing. Not sure why...just haven't gotten around to it???

Tonight I went back and read the last several things I have written and got inspired to jot down a few more ramblings. Tonight's entry is more of a vent. My day was...

The truth is that today was a rough day. Really, this week has just been a bit more than I want to deal with. There has been roommate arguing, getting thrown up on, house-hold repair issues, temper tantrums, pain, and so much more. I get so tired of disagreeing and trying to make things right, yet I seem to be stuck in this loop with one of my roommates in particular. It's just down-right yucky! And my attitude stinks, which really doesn't help us out! I wish that I could just figure out how to set the reset button. It has to exist somewhere! But alas, I can not find it! Take this drama and add in the general life stuff that often feels over-wheming, and that is where I am. Plus I have also had to up the prednisone I take for RA ... I feel like there is a lion roaring inside of me and fighting to get out and tear up anything it doesn't like! I really do feel like I am about to jump out of my skin sometimes. I hate it! Then, about half-way through work today I got a horrid migraine. I haven't had one that bad in a while. I was able to choke it back pretty well, but I almost didn't make it home from work because I was so disoriented! I came home, ate, drugged, rested. Much better! Tomorrow I am babysitting and hoping and praying for a much better new day! I'm also hoping that my body levels out from these medication issues.

I know I probably sound like a little complainy-whiny Lynn. I am! At least sometimes I am. And sometimes - like now - I don't want to add in the silver-lining spin. I just want to feel a little bit sorry for myself. OK... I'm done.

Thank you, Lord that your mercies are in fact new EACH day!! I thank you for the blessing of today and ask for forgiveness for the places where my flesh keeps me from receiving the mercies you have for me! I pray for sweet, peaceful rest. And I pray that I will remember to be grateful throughout my day tomorrow. For YOU are my daily bread!

2010-12-15T08:03:00.002-06:00

Destiny

When I take those moments in life to stop and think about who I am, where I have come from, and where I am going, it is very easy to see the numerous places that I have missed the mark. Whatever the mark may be! It is all too tempting to see the “bad” me; to see the numerous places that I have failed to meet the expectations of friends, family, employers, myself, and God. But I want to look at things differently! I don’t want to look back and see my failures anymore! I want to look back and see my successes! I am tired of measuring myself by what I have not accomplished; by what I do not have.

How do I do that?

I don’t have some great prescribed, or even contrived, answer. Like most things in life, I think it must start with baby steps! Baby steps are hard for me! I like to start and finish and in one breath! So how do I baby-step something like this? After all, I am asking myself to see myself in a completely different way! My grandmother used to say, “Well, you’ve got to start somewhere, so you might as well just start!” How apropos! So where do I start?

Maybe a good place to start is to list out some of the things that I know God created me to do. Where am I at in these things? What has the Lord been able to use me for?

How about just thanking God for all of the things He created me to do! He made me with vision and purpose in mind! And He is God, creator of all things big and little. So, if He thinks I am worth having a destiny, then surely I am!

Over time, I have thought a lot about destiny! For a while I thought that my obsession was because I was just lost in this world. I kind of felt like the sheep who wandered away from the heard. Only I didn’t really feel like anyone was looking for me. I felt like I had to find my own way back to the flock. Maybe that is part of the blindness that comes with being a sheep. Over time, I have decided that I am not really that unique in wanting to know what God created me for. I think it is that most people have an innate desire or need to know that they were made for a reason! Jeremiah says both, “You were created in your mother’s womb with a purpose” and “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord”. Well, shouldn’t we be asking, “What is that purpose? What are those plans?”

If I had to put into one word what I think my destiny is about, I would say “children.” I believe that the Lord created me for children! For a long time, I was happy taking care of other people’s children, but I didn’t really believe that I could be living out my destiny if I didn’t have children of my own. I still want…crave…to have children of my own one day, but I can see things a little more clearly now. I don’t know exactly what made this shift come, but I know it has something to do with understanding the heart of God as a Father a bit better! But now, I can live my day and declare that I am not only preparing for my destiny, but living my destiny each and every day!

The Lord created me to declare His truth, blessing, and love over children!

I don’t have to have children of my own to do this! I get to do it every day that I walk into my classroom, every time I baby-sit for friends, every time I hold my niece! I get to live out my destiny just by loving on babies!

I have a dear friend who is a Children's Pastor at a church. I used to work in the baby room and when recruiting helpers to assist, she would often say, “I just need someone to hold babies and love on them.” I used to get slightly offended by this. I loved taking care of the babies, but I just felt like this phrase was misleading. It made me feel like whoever the helper was, they would expect to just sit in a rocking chair and hold a baby and do the fun stuff, but I would have to change the diapers, stress over which child eats what and when, etc. I didn’t like that a place that requires so much work was introduced in such a casual way. Well, I was wrong! Schedules are important. Babies are much happier (and so are their adult friends) when they get fed on time, have clean underpants, and get a little nap or two in during the day! This is true! I knew they needed to be loved on, but I was seeing love in the aspect of meeting their physical needs. I always wanted to meet their spiritual needs as well, but I somehow put that as secondary to taking care of the basics. What I was wrong about was the value in having people present to just hold and love on each of these precious ones! We all need to know that we are loved! We all need to know that we are special enough for someone to take time to cuddle with us! We all need to know that we are welcome; not in the way! I think that far too often, we treat children in dismissive ways! I know I have been guilty!

The other night I was babysitting a 6 year old (Amy) and a 1 year old (Samantha). We went to a restaurant for dinner as a special treat. Amy was so excited about having a fun date that she would NOT stop talking!! Every other second she would say, “Oh and that reminds me of another story!” At one point in time her little six-year-old head was balancing the telling of 3 stories…simultaneously! Her little sister, Samantha, is fairly low maintenance. But being one-year-old, she requires some assistance in eating. I was trying to feed her and listen to story #203 and I all of a sudden felt my head get so overwhelmed that I just looked at Amy. In my head I thought, “Child, what do I need to do to make you stop talking for 5 minutes?” I knew that wasn’t what I wanted to convey…she was welcome to be with me. She was not in the way! I wanted her there…maybe a little less vocal…but I still wanted her to be with me! So, I took a second and what came out of my mouth was this… “Amy, I bless you as a story-teller! God has given you the gift of telling stories! He likes hearing you tell stories and so do I! But I need to give Samantha some attention now, and my ears need a little break. I need you to take a few minutes and eat your dinner. Can you please save your stories for a little while?”

You should have seen the excitement in her eyes! She had been exhorted as a story-teller instead of being told she was talking too much! When I told her, “God made you a story-teller”, she even agreed and said, “That’s right!” At the end of that little teaching moment (for myself as well as Amy) I felt really good about the way I handled things. I felt like I had remembered that Amy was created with a purpose…I don’t know that her purpose involves telling stories, but I do know that God gave her the desire and ability to recount details and communicate those things to other people! I want to bless her in that and encourage her, rather than leave her feeling like she is weak or less of a person because of her need and desire to talk a lot! That was a moment when I felt like I had lived out my destiny…to declare God’s truth, blessing, and love for children! How amazing to get to the end of the day and be able to say, “I have lived out my destiny for today!”

2010-08-09T09:01:00.005-05:00

Declaration

This is a small list of the many ways that God has brought healing into my life in this past year. WOW! How amazing is our God, that He is capable so much more that we know or see!

1. Delivered me from the belief that I am my provider.
2. Replaced a spirit of abandonment with security.
3. Healed me of chronic debilitating migraines! Oh yeah!!
4. Removed a spirit of fear...fear that tangled through me in ways I didn't even know...and replaced it with truth of my identity and the authority through Him.
5. Showed me the loving heart of a Father. How a Father loves, provides, disciplines, and embraces His child!
6. Delivered me from un-forgiveness. The Lord has given me the grace and mercy to forgive people who have hurt me and offended me - without even needing them to ask for my forgiveness. This was HUGE! I didn't really know how long the list was of people that I held offense again, until I was able to start forgiving some of the "big" ones.
7. Along with forgiveness, God has freed me to be able to pray for the blessing of His love and hope for my (physical) father. This was honestly the biggest thing that I think has ever happened to me! I haven't been able to pray for this for my father, primarily because I hadn't been able to set him free from the places he had wounded me.
8. God is teaching me how to cry! That may sound dumb to some, but I have never been very good at crying things out. Sometimes you just need to cry. There is something cleansing for the spirit in it. But I haven't been able to. My tendency has been to stop myself as soon as I start to cry. Then eventually there is so much built up that I just spend a good 10 minutes weeping and then crash once or twice a year. Even that 10 minute sob is very hard for me to get out!
9. I've been given a greater humility to acknowledge and ask for forgiveness for ways that I have injured others! This is pretty big, too...it means not only admitting I was wrong, but also declaring that my words or actions hurt someone else.
10. The Lord has brought greater freedom from RA pain and debilitation. I can snap again! And I can clap! I love to just snap and clap away while I am worshiping, because I feel like it is a way of declaring the goodness of God!

Now I call that an awesome testimony! Thank you God, for the blessing of your love! Thank you for teaching me...showing me a greater measure of the love you have for me! Thank you for making me new each day! You amaze me!

2010-08-07T00:31:00.002-05:00

Bio

I've been wanting to change my bio for my blog, but I just haven't done it! I even wrote something out, but then the computer got shut down before it got saved. I've really been thinking about what my blog says about me lately. Does it portray the image and stories I want to out-live me? The thing that really got me thinking about this was that I feel like I have changed a lot since I last updated my blog bio. It's still me, and the stories along the way are me. But is the introduction still who I am? I don't think so. I think there is a little more substance...a little more experience in life. And even with that, I still feel like I just began the journey of discovering who I am and what God created me for!

I don't have an updated version to post for now, but I think I'm going to be thinking about it a little harder. Maybe one day soon I'll actually get around to doing it!

2010-08-03T17:08:00.002-05:00

Progress

So the week is progressing! I got this wild rush of energy last night and moved all of the boxes that were stacked in the middle of the room to the perimeter. I can now see the floor! How exciting!!! As I was moving the boxes out of the way, I decided that I have WAY too many boxes of books and art supplies! Out of about 50 boxes, I think that only about 10 of them are something else! The problem here is that I am not in a "going through books and art supplies" kind of mood. Plus every time I get rid of art supplies I end up regretting it. Oh, and the books aren't going anywhere either! So, for now I will just have a room outlined by boxes! But it just feels so amazing to have a restful place to just stop and think! And to have the time, too! I am so grateful!

2010-07-30T23:34:00.005-05:00

A Peaceful finish to a VERY Busy Week

This week has been about the busiest of my life, I think! It was just down-right crazy! It was filled!

I moved yesterday and today into my new place. So of course the week was filled with packing and sorting and all that jazz. If that isn't stressful enough, I also got to deal with boy drama, car problems, five very heavy and emotional conversations, and just general day-to-day life stuff. I would like to say that I handled it all well and floated through the week without incident. That just wouldn't be true! I hate that I still haven't gotten to the point that I can keep one thing from running into another; resulting in greater stress! I just haven't made it that far yet! Progress has definitely been made and for that I am excited and thankful!

This afternoon I returned to the new home with my final load of stuff (except the cleaning stuff that will be getting used tomorrow). I walked into my room, looked at the stacks of boxes and chaos, and just started bawling! I think I just really needed to release the pressure that had built up from the week. I cried so hard that I ended up crashing for a few hours. Much needed rest finally arrived!

I woke up from a very hard sleep and got a wonderful blessing...a friend came over and helped me sort through some of the boxes for an hour or two. We got my bed set up and made, got some stuff arranged in the closet, and made a path for me to get from one side of the room to the other. I felt SO LOVED! It was so amazing to me how much that act meant! It kind-of makes me want to do the same for a friend when I get the chance! I can not begin to say how precious it was to me that she would do that! It wasn't an excessive amount of time, but it was probably the best thing that has happened to me this week...except maybe the morning another friend showed up at my house to help me pack and brought me a Starbucks!

I was just so moved to realize again just how much I really am loved, not only by people but even more-so by God! He knows just what I need and provides! Regardless of how I may feel sometimes, I am not in need. The only reason is because I know that God will provide. He only gives good gifts and he does not withhold good gifts! How amazing...and how true!

2010-07-20T23:24:00.002-05:00

Moving

There is something about moving that makes my body slow down and my mind speed up! Moving is listed as one of the top life stresses. I believe it! It isn't all bad, though!

I am preparing to move into yet another transitional home. There is a family from my church that offered to rent me a room in their home a few months ago. They have offered it in the past, but it wasn't the right timing for one reason or another. This time, we were both able to spend some time praying and seeking the heart of God in this. We all feel like it is a good move! I am excited about that! I can't wait to see how God grows our relationships and what other blessings He has in store!

The thing I am not so excited is that I will be sharing a bathroom with two teenage guys. That's right! Sharing a bathroom isn't a huge deal to me...after all I grew up with two sisters and have had several roommates! It's the "boy" part that I am afraid of! These guys are 18 and 19 and are renting the other room in the house that gets rented out. The bathroom is a common bathroom...shared by renters and guests. Is it silly to say I am a little (ok, a lot) afraid of boy cooties? I have several guy friends, and let's face it, the cleanest of guys (or girls for that matter) don't typically keep the bathroom up to Lynn-clean standards! I like the bathroom to be pretty much spotless!

Every morning I go through the same routine in my bathroom (which I don't have to share right now). I start off with a clean counter, plug my dryer in and blow-dry my hair. I then fold the cord up and hang my hairdryer while getting my curler plugged in. When I am done with that, I fold up the cord and hang the curler. I then brush my teeth and put away my teeth-brushing equipment and move on to any other primping that must be done. Before I leave my bathroom, the towel is neatly hanging on the rack, the bathmat is folded over the edge of the tub, and the shower curtain is pulled closed. The counter is wiped down and everything is put away. I like it to stay clean and clutter-free.

I can't expect other people to abide by my insanity. I know that! But I do get really frustrated when they don't! Just being honest here!

So, I am wondering...are these boys going to wipe down the counter after shaving? Are they going to shut the toilet seat? Are they going to put their bottle of shampoo back in the "right" spot after using it...or will they just leave it wherever? I've never shared a bathroom with single, adult men. I've shared bathrooms with married families that I have lived with and with children...and with other girls, of course! I am walking into new territory here! What should I expect?

On a lighter side (quite literally), I have gotten rid of more stuff! I think God has been breaking my tie to things slowly but surely! Each time I move, the stack of boxes gets shorter. I have let go of many things I never thought I would. And somehow, it doesn't bear the same sting that it did the first time I sent a load of stuff off to Goodwill! I take that as a blessing! I see that God is changing my dependence on things to a trust in Him! I am not yet at the point that I can relinquish all things, but it's happening!

I had a dream that I will try to write down in another post, but I feel like it is the heart of God being shown to me in this!

It is late and I am ready to turn in. Blessings, Friends! And thank you for taking your time to read what I have to write. It blesses me!

2010-07-20T23:20:00.000-05:00

My Peace I Bring

My Peace I bring
My Peace I leave
That I may go to my Father

My Peace I bring
My Peace I leave
That I may got the my Father

Peace, Peace
Peace, Peace
Please be still in my Peace

Peace, Peace
Peace Peace
Please be still in my Peace

John 17:26-27
"But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. "

2010-07-19T19:00:00.002-05:00

You Call

You call me Daughter
You call me Friend
You call me Lover
There is no end
To the love you have for me
The love you sing over me
You are my God

You call me Chosen
You call me Planned
You call me Destined
There is no end
To the love you have for me
The love you sing over me
You are my God

You are my Maker
You are my King
You are my Savior
My Everything
I kneel down before you
I fall at your feet
I worship you in awe

All I want
Is to praise your name
All I want
Is to see your face
I rise up to follow
And chase after you
I stand up because you call

You call me Daughter
You call me Friend
You call me Lover
There is no end
To the love you have for me
The love you sing over me.

The love have for me
The love you sing over me
You are my God
You are my God

2010-07-17T15:46:00.003-05:00

Changing Seasons

Have you ever stopped and asked God the question, "What would you like for my life to look like?"

I have been asking this question lately. I am pretty sure that I don't get it all, but I believe that God is so faithful to be answering me in ways I understand!

I am so excited about the things that are happening in my life right now! There is another new season! You know the feeling of the summer heat winding down and seeing the trees slowly change from bright greens to amber and rust? That is kind-of what I am feeling in my heart right now. The seasons are changing. They haven't completely turned yet, but the air is a little cooler, the colors aren't quite as intense, and the hope of the things coming is present!

I LOVE IT!

2010-07-12T02:13:00.001-05:00

Living in Obedience...or at least Trying. Part Two.

Where we left off…

In January, I finally decided that I could not keep running. The Lord was not changing what He had asked of me! The Lord was still urging me to see my security and provision in Him, not in the American Cancer Society! I turned in my resignation and left after almost 5 years of working for the same company. It was a bitter-sweet parting! I really did love the work I did. I was good at it. I made a difference in someone's life each and every day that I was there. Now, what was I leaving to? I had no clue! And I would be lying through my teeth if I said I was anything but frightened of what was to come!

Well, I was excited! I felt an overwhelming wave of peace as I finally stepped in obedience! I was antsy – in the good way – to see what God was going to do next! I started re-thinking all of the things I would “want” to do. I pretty much felt like a kid in a toy store! I could pull anything off of the shelf and it would be ok to make it mine. I wanted to use wisdom and discernment in this. I also thought this might be the time to jump into a completely new stream and swim for it!

But what? What did I want to do? What did I want my day to look like? What was I willing and able to put in for the result I wanted?

A LOT of options have run through my heart…

I could start a coffee shop and gluten-free or allergy friendly bakery. We could certainly use a few more of those around! (Says the person who would like to be able to walk into a bakery and actually buy something!)

The desire of school has been in my heart for a long time. I could apply to nursing school and get started on pre-requisites. Or I could get my training as a doula; something else I have wanted to do.

I could go back to being a nanny.

I could become a professional home organizer.

Wait…I could what? Organizer? Well, that’s what I have been doing for the last few months. And you know what??? I am passionate about it! Who knew?

Maybe God?

After weeks of sitting around and doing pretty much nothing…taking babysitting jobs here and there and spending a lot of time praying…and watching TV, I decided to post something on my church’s message board asking if there was anyone who was looking for someone to help them with organization…for pay of course. (Smiles and winks!) The next day I got an e-mail from a woman in our church who said she had just told her husband it was time to hire someone to come in and help out and then she opened my e-mail. Providence! I started working part-time as a personal assistant for her in March. It didn’t take long for us to figure out that my true talent lay in sorting, tossing, containing, and ultimately organizing 30 years of stuff that has accumulated for a home-schooling family of seven! I was on FIRE! Really…I knew that I liked to get things organized and finding a home for stray objects, but I had NO IDEA how much vision and passion I have for this! After three months, a schoolroom, kitchen, and multi-purpose space garage (food storage, sewing room, workshop, school and family paraphernalia storage, and play room); I feel like I have enough experience in this to say that God did something amazing! He took a like that was in me and turned it into life! And the really awesome part of the whole thing is that as we were quite literally fighting over throwing away math practice sheets from her fully-grown children, God was doing some AMAZING cleaning in my own heart!

I don’t have a whole lot of physical clutter. I once did. Now it’s mostly books, music, and sewing stuff. I have gone through everything of my last 31 years of life and tossed a LOT away! This was also a very spiritual experience for me. I found that I had emotional ties to a lot of things that really didn’t produce anything good in my life. They were just things…a lot of them were actually bad memories that I held on to. Now God was doing a very similar “moving out” cleaning in my heart!

You see, I see Jesus as my savior! He is the King of my heart! Holy Spirit is my very best friend and companion! He goes with me and sings the praises and love of God over me! He directs me and keeps my gaze on Jesus. But Father God? He and I haven’t traditionally walked all that close! I don’t trust Him. I’m getting there! And I trust Him a whole heck of a lot more today than I did three months ago…or six months ago when I left my job. My view of Father God has been one of a very mighty and powerful and huge man; almost like the pictures we see of Atlas holding up the world in mythology. But, rather than being allowed to do anything in my life with that power, my view of Father has been that He is chained up and weak. Despite the enormity of His stature, He really hasn’t had much allowance or power in my life.

Wow – that’s hard to confess! I love God, but I have really been missing the “Father” aspect of our mysterious Trinity.

Well, in this time of not working a regular 9 to 5 job, Father has taken up some residence! He has been capable of doing things in me that never would have happened if I didn’t have so much reflection time! As I was working many days, I would be sorting through someone else’s…mess…and God would show me where I had a similar mess in my heart! As I got the physical mess sorted out, cleaned up, and stored away appropriately; Father was sorting out, cleaning up, and storing away the things in my heart! I can’t explain it! It’s one of those amazing and mysterious things that happen when God has ownership of us!

In the last six months, I have come to not only see Father as powerful and strong (as opposed to chained and weak) but I have also come to welcome Him into my most private and silenced places…my past! I am reminded that God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow! The Father that is mighty and powerful…and ever so loving today was also mighty and powerful (and YES) ever so loving in the places in my past where enormous brokenness and pain still exist. He hasn’t changed! I have changed! And now, because I see Him as the good and loving Father that He is, He can walk back through those broken places and bring healing! I welcome His healing!

I have no idea if I will continue as an organizer. I loved it! Oh, by the way the job is over and I am once again unemployed. But, I am not afraid this time! The restoration that God has brought about in the last several months has been so amazing! I know that God has been my security AND my provision during the last few months…and I know He will continue to be!

2010-07-11T14:17:00.002-05:00

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BLOG????

I signed on the other day and it prompted me to go to the "new templates" that were available. I didn't select anything and I came to my blog and it was...well naked! So I then went back to the "new templates" and selected something...which I don't like! And now my blog is boring and ugly! It could be worse. At least it has color now. BUT I miss my butterflies!!!! Where did they go and how do I get them back??? I feel like blogger stole my identity! They thieved away my vision of what I want my page to be like and aren't offering very good options to replace it! Is anyone else having this problem...or is it just me?

2010-07-11T11:58:00.010-05:00

Last Night

There is SO very much for me to write. See, writing is one of the primary ways that God gave me to communicate what is in my heart. But with that blessing and gift also come a responsibility that I do not maintain well. I find that when life is moving along at a steady but manageable pace I can write well and often. When life throws along the curve balls, however, I freeze! This is seen very much in my writing. It will stop for months at a time. There will be a few blips here and there where I am trying to make something happen and change, but by far my hands stay silent.

I am very much an "internal" processor. I told one of my close friends one day, "What can I say? I'm a PC, not a Mac." She thought it was cute, but something leaped in me to say that it was ok to be a PC...I just need to catch up to the PCs of today and get away from the 1970's giant processor that took all day to spit out one neat fact!

All of this said to say that I have been doing a lot of analyzing and processing without putting much out in the real world to say what's going on. As I mentioned in my most recent post, this year has been HUGE for me! On the surface it may seem like I have checked out, but inside...man oh man has furniture been moving around! My insides look entirely different...and the joy is that I know more is coming. I know that God will do what He wants with what I allow Him! I want to allow Him more!

So, as unexpected as last night was...I am so very thankful for all that happened! It would take me six hours and a 1000 page novel to really pour out everything that has taken place. I don't want to bore my readers or loose the true facts of what has happened so I am attempting to consolidate. Stories are important to me, as my dearest friends know. So this is a challenge!

The bottom line is that after the work that has been done over the last year and the victory of last night, God has more ownership in my life than I can ever remember Him having! There are things in my heart that have been my closest and most reliable companions that keep the Lord from really accomplishing all that He created me for! Things like fear, resentment, anger, bitterness, hatred, and the all-important unforgiveness. These spirits have been with me so long that I didn't even know how to really let go of them. They were nestled in places of my heart that I didn't even know could be accessed! Last night, God had the victory of pulling these things out of the depths of my being and replacing them with the truths that He has for me in their stead.

Here are some of the truths that were made known...that were realized in a new and fresh way last night.

1) I do not want to be a slave to fear! I am a mighty warrior for the Lord God Almighty. I no longer bow to fear, but stand with my head held high before my King, Jesus! It is done…fear no longer reigns!

2) Bitterness, anger, resentment, hatred, and unforgiveness are not my companions! They are death. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). These are some of his greatest weapons used, because we feel justified and somehow comforted in believing that we have rights to carry these. The truth of the Lord is that these weapons are bred from pride. Psalm 10:4 declares, "In his pride the wicked does not seek him (God); in all his thoughts there is no room for God." I don't like that this scripture applies to me. I like to set myself in the category of "righteous" not "wicked". I know however that my righteousness ONLY comes from the blood of Jesus! When I am walking along with my companions as the weapons of the enemy, I am not abiding in the righteousness of Christ. The Lord wants me to lay my pride down and trade in the weapons that the enemy has given me. His hearts desire is that I would know my righteousness - and that instead of allowing these tactics of the enemy to be my companions I would welcome His truth! In that truth, the fruit of Holy Spirit is bred; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. (See Galatians 5:6-23)

3) I need to welcome sorrow into my life to truly experience the Joy that Father desires for me! This may sound strange to some. I am not saying that we all need to gather around and conjure up a cry-fest and then afterward we will mysteriously find joy. What Father is showing me is that there are many places in my heart that have been shut off to feeling the grief and loss that I need to feel for true healing of those places to occur. It isn't until I experience the grief in my heart (sorrow) that I will really be set free of the bondage that occurs. The picture given to me about this was an ATM. Strange, yes...but it made sense to my heart! An ATM works on the principle of being able to take out what you have already put in. You can't take out what you don't have. And furthermore, you will only get interest on what you have invested! Several places in scripture discuss the Lord replacing our sorrow with His joy. One of my favorites is Psalm 30. The whole chapter is worth meditating over, but below are verses 5b and 11-12.

“Sorrow may last for a night, but His joy comes in the morning. You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!”

So, last night I entered into a new place of freedom! Thank you Mighty Jesus! It isn't that these things just came to me and my thinking was changed. No! These things happened and my heart was changed! Somehow in the way that only God can do it, He conquered territory in my heart that I have never really been able to give Him by myself! He didn't steal it, either. He waited...and waited...and waited until I was ready to allow Him to move! He is so good! And He does all things well!

2010-07-09T14:41:00.007-05:00

Living in Obedience...or at least Trying (Part One)

Life really is a journey; one that we can't always plan or predict. Proverbs 16:9 says, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Again in Proverbs 19:21 we read, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

I have made many plans in the last couple of years. I have even made them with the intent of following the paths that God lays out for me. Somehow these "plans" have not always been fulfilled the way I expected. This past year has been…well…I don’t know what to call it! Here is the journey I have been on...the good, bad, pretty, and ugly! Through it I have learned a LOT and I know the learning is not over! I thank the Lord that despite the plans I make, His plans prevail!

In the spring of 2008, I began feeling like the Lord was opening the door for me to leave the job I was at...working as a Cancer Information Specialist with the American Cancer Society. I found a lot of satisfaction in my job, but I also bore a lot of sorrow that was not mine to carry! It was taking a toll on my health. I suffered chronic migraines, had restless sleep due to frequent job-related dreams, and the compassion that I typically had for people was growing thin. Several people in my life were noticing the effects that this job had on me and were counseling me to look for different work. I had a hard time doing that, because I felt like it was God who made a way for me to be there and I didn't know if what I was there for was complete. So, I started asking Him to let me know if it was time to move on.

I felt the movement of release from my job. But I didn't know what I was going to do! I thought about nursing school, completing a degree in Theology, or something else "school" related. Nothing seemed to "fit" at the moment. I continued along for quite a while in this place of my heart not really being in the day-to-day motions that I was living through. I was also dealing with a lot of health issues that really interfered with my ability to focus on anything outside of what was happening in the moment. I knew I was ready to leave, I just didn't know what to leave for!

In September, a prophetic word was spoken over me at church. I knew as soon as I heard it that the Lord was clarifying for me that not only was I ready to quit my job, He was ready for me to quit. That was pretty terrifying for me! After all, my job is the way I pay my bills, buy my food, and at the time much more important provided for medical expenses. My job was my security and my provision.

I went through that year at work, constantly feeling like I was in a place that I didn't belong. Work was fine. But underneath it all, in my heart of hearts, I knew I was disobeying the Lord. It was very hard to stomach! I was living in bondage, not freedom! And I will add, that the bondage I was in was because my view of what kept me safe was VERY skewed! Once again, I saw my job as my security and my provision. Without work, I would fall off the edge of a cliff and that would be the end! I was not going to quit my job until I had a clear picture of what it was I would be doing next. I told God this on multiple occasions. I even yelled at Him one night telling Him that what He was asking was unfair and that I WOULD NOT do what He was asking until I had another job! I sent out at least 60 resumes/applications throughout the year and got not one job offer! That had never happened to me, and I was taking it personally!

In the spring of 2009, now a year after all this began, I received another prophetic word, this one was very clear to the person delivering it as well as me; I was to quit my job. I couldn't do it! I didn't trust God enough to meet my every need. Despite the fact that during this time He had provided very inexpensive housing for me, provided a car, and surrounded me with people who would support me in the decision to leave. I could not bring myself to obey!

I started looking at options that would offer a "clause" to the leaving a job with no other job lined up and not having the savings needed to survive without work. As I mentioned, I had thought about going to a school of theology. I wanted more understanding of the heart of God and the destiny that He set in motion when He created me! I wanted to know what it was to live on the edge and trust that God will keep me from falling. So I applied to Bethel, a non-accredited school of Biblical Studies in California. I was VERY excited about going! I put my notice in at work and a wave of peace and release came over me. I had finally listened to the Lord...or had I? What had He been asking of me? Was it just about quitting my job? NO. It was about allowing Him to be my provision and my security. These were two things that I just didn’t trust Him to be!

I found out just two weeks before I was going to move to California that I didn't get accepted to Bethel. I was heart-broken. That doesn't even begin to encompass what was happening in my heart! My plan had failed! I was now living in a temporary housing situation that was to end in a few weeks, had quit my job, and my heart was in the pit of rejection! I was terrified! What had God done? Why had He asked me to take the steps I had been taking? Why didn't I get accepted? What was I going to do now? These and many more questions swarmed in my head! I was so "lost" in this time that I had my doctor prescribe anti-depressants just so I could carry myself through each day. I couldn't think clearly, I couldn't feel clearly, and sometimes I couldn't breathe clearly!

When I found out I didn’t get accepted to Bethel, my supervisor at work told me that if I wanted to keep my job they would welcome me back. I just needed to make the decision within two days. A blessing. Right? Well, the thing is that I KNOW that what the Lord had asked of me was to leave my job. That was ultimately my primary reason for applying to Bethel. It was the clause. If I left going to something, then I wasn't being irresponsible by leaving my job without another lined up. I knew the sense of relief and peace that came over me when I turned in my resignation. And I knew the excitement that was in my heart of getting to do something different than talking about cancer all day! I had experienced the first part of obedience and I didn't want to go back on that. On the flip-side of that truth, I also didn't feel like I could justify not taking my job back. It had been offered to me; without consequence of my intent to leave. I didn't feel like I could justify being jobless and living in someone's home as a guest, knowing that I could have done something to at least keep my job. The torment of making this decision (and in two days none-the-less) was horrific! I decided that 1) I could always quit again if I felt like I should and 2) they were about to go through lay-offs and if I got laid off instead of quitting I could at least have access to continued health care options. Whereas those are both valid thoughts, I am here to say that choosing to disobey the Lord just because we think we can justify it is wrong! It is still disobedience!

I kept my job and the following few months were some of the hardest and most difficult that I have ever experienced! They did go through lay-offs, but I kept my job. Some might declare this as a blessing. I didn’t. I was still living in fear of what could happen if I obeyed the Lord and fear of what would happen if I didn't. That was the spiritual side. On the practical side...when many people are laid off, the workload feels much heavier to those that are left behind! I may have had a job, but I was miserable!

In January, I finally decided that I could not keep running. The Lord was not changing what He had asked of me! The Lord was still urging me to see my security and provision in Him, not in the American Cancer Society! I turned in my resignation and left after almost 5 years of working for the same company. It was a bitter-sweet parting! I really did love the work I did. I was good at it. I made a difference in someone's life each and every day that I was there. Now, what was I leaving to? I had no clue! And I would be lying through my teeth if I said I was anything but frightened of what was to come!

2010-03-26T23:01:00.012-05:00

The Waiting Is Over!

As of yesterday, March 25 at 1:20 in the afternoon, I am officially an Aunty!!!

Oh, she is SO amazing! She was 6 pounds 3 ounces and 19 inches long. Meet Emily Kate Lawrence.

Marcie, my sister, is taking to being a Mommy like a natural! It is so precious to see her caring for her new baby! Unfortunately she had to have a cesarean section, but she is recovering well! She will probably be sore for a while and have to take it slow, but she seems to be doing great! Doesn't she just look so beautiful holding Emily?

And my Mother is on cloud nine! This is her first grand baby. She is absolutely smitten by this little girl! Then again, so am I!

Isn't she just a dream?

2010-03-21T14:45:00.003-05:00

Waiting is hard to do

Patience has never been my thing. In fact, I am pretty notorious for just doing things myself that other's say they will do just to get the job done. Well, this doesn't work so well when waiting for a baby to arrive!

My niece is due any day now -- and I am having a hard time waiting! I want her to be here...yesterday! I just can't wait any longer! I am so excited that I am actually growing anxious!

I haven't slept well for the last two nights because all night long I am thinking that my phone is ringing to let me know that I need to get to the hospital. When I finally do fall asleep, do you know what I dream about? I dream about missing her birth. I actually had a dream the other day that my roommate saw me and told me how cute my niece was. She had gotten to see her and I didn't even know she had been born yet!

I am just so incredibly excited! I can't wait to post a picture of her and let everyone know that she has arrived safe and healthy and strong!

2010-03-20T17:39:00.003-05:00

Jealous???

I spent the day taking care of odds and ends and relaxing. I also spent some time on the ever famous Facebook! I got reconnected with one of my good friends from high school, and of course that led to connecting to other old friends.

As I looked at the info pages, pictures, etc of these long lost relationships, I realized that I was starting to feel a little edgy. I saw some fun pictures back from "the day" and got a good laugh. I also started remembering some of the things that I had pushed way WAY back into the forgotten corners of my memory! Not all of high school was great for me. In fact, most of it just down right stunk!

Now, I'm looking through and seeing how this person has a beautiful family and this one had a great house. This one has an amazing career. Rather than feeling really happy for them, my immediate response to some of these people was - "Why didn't it work out that way for me? Why did they get...?"

Wow! I still have a lot of growing up to do! It's amazing how I can get jealous of people that I don't even really know anymore. Oh, how I wish that my heart was good enough to just be excited for other people without wishing that I could have what they have - or want something different than what I do have!

Lord, please continue to weed out the selfishness in me and teach me to be grateful for all of the blessings that I have! Show me ways to honor you and bless my friends and acquaintances. Father, thank you for continually meeting me where I am and showing me greater depths of your heart and your goodness! Thank you for always forgiving me for my accusations and judgements against others. You are a gracious and merciful God, and I will praise you all of my days!

2010-03-10T22:57:00.005-06:00

Checking In

So I apparently only write on my blog about once a month now a days. So here is the catch up.

For the last year and a half I have been feeling like I was supposed to leave my job. I felt very strongly that the Lord was asking me to surrender my hold that I had. The more I meditated on this and asked God "why" the more understanding I had that it is because I place my trust and security in the provision of my job more than that of the Lord. So after much prayer and a fair amount of tears, I submitted my resignation and left on January 19. This was a HUGE step of faith for me! It took a lot of courage, but even more than that it took me trusting that God is my provider. I left without another job lined up and not really knowing what I want to do. I felt as though I was in a store and I could take anything off the shelf and it would be ok. But what???

I had thoughts of going back to nannying. I did this for years before I became a Cancer Information Specialist for the American Cancer Society. I love it! In fact, I feel like there is a piece of my God-destined purpose in caring for young children and families!

I contemplated getting certified as a doula. This is something that is right in line with my desires! I think of the opportunities I would have to love, care for, and support families as they prepare for the entrance and first weeks or months of their new child's life! Wow! I could sow some amazing blessings on families through that!

I dreamed of starting a Allergy Aware, Gluten-Free restaurant and coffee shop in the area where I live. After all, even as people become more aware of food allergies and health issues such as Celiac Disease, it can still be very difficult to eat out and get just what you want away from home. Oh to go to a place where I could order something more than a basic salad. I want to go where I can order a sandwich and KNOW that the bread is gluten-free and dairy free, that the meat doesn't have added preservatives, and that the dressings where made from as natural as it gets ingredients and everything is clearly labeled to let me know what potential allergens may be present! I still want to do this -- it just takes a lot more than I have right now!

I also thought of going back to school! School is always a good option in times of income deprivation and searching for that thing that you want to be when you grow up. Right? So, if I went back to school, what would I do? That's an easy one to answer! I would go to nursing school -- or at least to school to get the prereqs done while I apply and wait to get accepting into nursing school! What would I want to do with a nursing degree??? I would want to take care of babies! Oh yes, we are back to the babies! I can see myself years down the line as a CNM (Certified Nurse Midwife) delivering babies using natural childbirth methods or as a NNP (Neonatal Nurse Practitioner) caring for frail infants.

I promise I don't just have a bad case of the baby blues! I have always felt like the destiny that the Lord has for me has to do with babies and young children! When I was younger I couldn't wait to start babysitting! I would go around the neighborhood and befriend all of the families with small children and ask if there were ways I could help out. I was too young for most parents to want to leave their children alone with me to care for, but I didn't mind just hanging around and folding clothes, feeding a baby, changing diapers, sterilizing bottles -- whatever I noticed that needed to be done. I loved babysitting and dreaming of the day that I would have my own children to love on and care for. Twenty years has passed, but not too much has changed. Most of my friends have families of their own now - some of them I knew long before family came along and some I befriended because I was drawn to them during pregnancy or shortly after having their child(ren). I look around their houses when I am over and do little things that will bless them and maybe make their day a hint easier. I will love on their children, do some laundry, wash dishes, put away toys, etc. I still love babysitting (and yes, dreaming of the day that I will have my own children to love on and care for). But, the point here is that I can see beyond the wanting of my own children now. I can see that somehow caring for all of the hundreds of babies I have held and kissed isn't just about practicing to become a Mom. It is about sowing the blessings and love of the Father, God, into those He created and destined for great things!

So what am I actually doing with my time right now? Doing a lot of babysitting, a lot of praying, and a lot of trusting. It isn't easy! I have decided to hold off on starting a restaurant (smiles and winks) for a little while at least. I also decided that while still paying off the loans I took out for undergrad many moons ago I am not going to enter into greater debt of going back to school. Unless the Lord spoke to me from a blazing lightening bolt (or something just as obvious) I just don't think that it would honor Him in the way I would want it to right now. The doula training is still on the table! I would love to do it NOW - the biggest thing stopping me is affording the training and knowing what I would do to earn income while doing it and going through the apprenticing.

I have had some wonderful opportunities to love on (and get loved on by) some little friends over the last few weeks, though! Oh how I love it! There is just something so magnificent and special about being with our innocent ones who have so recently been in the creating hands of our amazing Maker! In a world that is so broken, there isn't anything that is quite so right!

2010-02-16T09:56:00.003-06:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Yesterday was my 31st Birthday! I have always been a bit of a birthday princess. It's kind-of funny. I don't generally gravitate toward the party or want to be in the spot-light. But on my birthday, I want to be recognized as being special. It is one day each year that I celebrate being me!

Normally on my birthday I take the day off of work, sleep as late as I want to, and then slowly start my morning. About the time that I get hungry, I get myself ready and go out and buy breakfast - this is a big deal for those who don't know me. Then I spend the day going to stores I like and shopping or window shopping. I may have lunch with a friend. I may go sit at a park. I pretty much give myself license to not schedule anything! It's awesome!

This year, I did something different. Late Sunday night a friend called and asked if I could watch her son on Monday, because their babysitter was sick. I love taking care of him, so I said yes. It was a wonderful day! I got to play with a one-year-old! It doesn't get much better than that! Plus, my morning started out getting a text saying "Happy Birthday, Gorgeous" from a friend. The messages continued throughout the day! I got texts, phone calls, and facebook messages all day wishing me a happy birthday and wishing me blessings! It was just so wonderful that I can't even begin to describe how great it made me feel!

Thank you to everyone who messaged me in some way and wished me a happy birthday! I appreciate you celebrating my life with me! And for those of you friends who live near, my party is Saturday night - the more the merrier!

2010-02-05T10:41:00.004-06:00

What's Going On?

It's been a while...ok a very long while...since I last wrote. I needed an even longer break than I thought! I may be making some changes to my blog, but I haven't quite decided what yet. I was challenged by some people in a writer's discipleship group that I was in to spend some time trying to re-define what I wanted my blog to be. One of them told me that it seems my purpose changed along the way, but I never recognized it. So, I have been thinking about that. I still don't know exactly what I want this to look like. I think that is part of what appeals to me about a blog - having a place where I can just let life happen! Sometimes I can be more consistent than others. Sometimes I can be more positive than others. That's just life!

So, here is an update of what has me consumed right now.

I moved at the end of December. I am living in the same city - on the other side. It feels like a different city all together! I am living with two girls that I met through a mutual friend. They are both Christians and go to a church-plant of the church that I go to. I have really enjoyed living with two other girls that are my age, in a similar place in life, and have a similar belief structure! It is wonderful. It is also nice that they are fun! Short comment here is that I like where I am living and the girls I am living with!

In January, I left my job. I had been there for almost 5 years. It was a touch decision - one that I have been weighing for over a year (actually about 19 months)! I knew it was right, but it was just really hard to leave! There are a lot of things about my job that drove me insane -- like having so stay tied to a telephone and desk and constantly being evaluated by metrics that I didn't feel really gave a true picture of the measure of the work being done! However there were also far more things about the job that I loved and that I really placed at the core of my identity -- helping people, offering hope, listening where there is pain, offering resources that may help, never giving up or quitting on someone who is in need. These are all things that made me want to stay regardless of how much the other things made me want to leave!

I finally decided to do it, though! Like I said, I knew it was the right thing. I knew that until I took that step I would not be content. I am very happy; very joyful, peaceful, and contented at the moment. Not to say that it isn't a little weird to not have a steady M-F, 8-5 job right now. It is! I have to be very careful about money and I can not be picky about what opportunities I take right now. I am pretty much taking every babysitting job that comes my way to make ends meet until I settle into the right thing. But I am good.

The other great joy of my life right now is that my sister is going to have her baby very soon! She is due in about 7 weeks! AHHHH!!! I CAN'T WAIT!!!!! I don't think I have ever been so excited about anything in my life before! Is it actually possible to love someone you don't really know yet THIS much??? Oh I think it is - because I do! My heart has exploded in pink! Every time I hear the name Emily (that is my niece's name) my heart beats a little faster. I have been spending time looking at baby this and baby that. What's happening to me??? All I know is that my hands have this "Oh I gotta hold ya" feeling and she isn't even here yet!

One of my roommates is a baby nurse -- she takes care of newborns and sick babies in the hospital. I know a lot about newborns because of nannying and friends having babies, but there is something different about it being family. I have asked my roomie so many questions about getting ready and what to expect and when to go and ... that I think she is probably about ready to just throw some baby books my direction! As I'm writing this I am realizing that I think I might be a little nervous about this whole thing! For however nervous I am, I am just as excited!

That is my current life on a page. I'm sure there is more, but I'm going to leave it there for now!

2009-10-26T15:43:00.002-05:00

A Different Me

I want to be a different me. I don't really like the me that I am right now! It isn't that I am a bad me - or that there are a whole lot of things about me that are horrible. OK - there are plenty of things I would like to change. Hence wanting to be a different me! But I really just don't feel like the me that I am used to...and really enjoy being!

I want to be more artsy. Instead of dabbling here and there in the arts, I want to be proficient...at about 10 different mediums!

I want to be more confident. I don't want to let all of the crazy imperfections of my day drive me so batty! So what if my hair won't stay styled for more than 10 minutes after I have fixed it? It still looks fine. And does anyone else really care that I am wearing a shirt that I have owned for 5 years? It isn't stained, torn, or faded...it's ok.

I want to not have RA...or migraines! Therefore, also having more money! Not that money matters too much to me, but I would at least like to have enough that I know it is ok for me to sign a lease without fear that I am going to leave my roommates in a lurch! Plus, not being in pain all the time would be so amazing! I think that is one of the things about Heaven that I look forward to the most!

I want to do work that makes me happy, makes a difference, is fun, is meaningful, and doesn't involve getting yelled at, cussed at, or always having to put "band-aids" on gaping wounds. I want to be able to talk about Jesus, pray, and share real things in real ways. I don't want the success of my day, week, or month to measured in metrics like how quickly I can close the door on the last person I talked to or how glued to my chair & phone I am.

I want freedom! I feel like such a caged bird these days! I feel like everything inside of me wants to explode out in an uncontrollable gush - like the molten-hot lava pouring from an active Mount St. Helens. What I feel like is really happening is that I am just dieing though. I can't explode, so all of the passion and energy and joy that makes me who I am is going to just fizzle out and die until there is nothing left but silent apathy! Then what?

Life isn't worth much without passion! Without the swell of the ocean's wave, there would be no tide. Without the climax in a good book, there would be no resolution. Without a growing tension in a beautiful symphony, there would be no tears! We need passion to live; to enjoy life!

I want to be a different me, because the me that exists right now has lost my fire! I have lost the things that make me want to get up and chase the day! I have lost the desire to push back when I don't like the way things are! I have lost something...something that is crucial to who I am. But how to get it back, I haven't figured out!

2009-10-23T10:47:00.006-05:00

BELOA

OK. So I think I might be sort-of back from my BELOA (Blogger's Extended Leave of Absence).

I have been in a bit of a funk over the last couple of months and just needed to let some things go for a bit. I stopped writing on my blog and gave myself a reprieve from making my bed one day a week. Then, I took my car through a car wash - the kind where you actually get out so they can vacuum the inside for you before running it through the sprayer thingy and then the guys dry the car for you. I also got a pedicure. All of this in the last month-and-a-half. It was nice to let go of a few things and treat myself to a couple of others. I needed it.

However, the funk is not gone. Life just isn't what I want it to be - or what I planned and I think I am having a hard time figuring out how to move forward with joy and confidence. I am still a long-term guest in a home that is not my own. I don't have my cats. I still have no clue what I want to be doing or am supposed to be doing for "life-work". Then there are all of the other things of life - health, finances, relationships... I am so restless where I am, yet I completely lack the energy or courage to make any changes right now! Please don't take these all for complaints! That is part of the reason for my BELOA! I needed to take some time to try to re-focus on the things that really are important to me and somehow find them - or find me in them. I'm not there. I am around, though.

2009-09-01T20:33:00.023-05:00

Welcome to the World, Emily Loraine Curtiss

Emily made it out of her Mama's belly and into the world! She is a precious doll! A 7 lb 13 oz, 21 inch long, baby doll! Oh My! Isn't she beautiful?

I have an adorable picture of her Mommy holding her, but I'm having issues getting it to post. Here are a couple of me holding her. I also wanted to post some of our friend, Randi. I think she was awaiting this baby with more excitement than anyone! She is calling her "Little Tree Frog". Too cute! It brought me so much joy to watch her holding her and cuddling her! You can see pictures of her here: http://rmichelle.blogspot.com/ .

(And it's so not the point of this post, but don't I need a hair cut oh so badly? It's horrible! My hair has lost all ability to hold a style! I'm just too darn cheap to go get it cut, though. It's in the "wish" budget for November. Can I make it that long???)

2009-08-31T21:54:00.004-05:00

High-Lows

My small group has gotten into the *sort-of* habit of doing high-lows when we get together. We share with each other our "highs" of the week and the "lows" of the week. The last family that I lived with did high-lows most every night at dinner. I like this. I think it really does help us learn to love each other better - rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. (Thank you Mike Watson for the great series of relational growth teaching!)

So, today I want to share my high-lows. I always like to start with my lows, so I can end talking about the things that make me happy. So, here are my lows of the day:

1) I never got my coffee - when I was able to make it to the break room, it was all gone. I made a new pot and by the time I made it back to get some coffee, that pot was all gone. No coffee for the coffee fiend today!

2) I had to explain to at least 10 people today that no, I am not going to school and yes, I am staying in Austin and continuing to work at ACS. I am VERY thankful to have my job and to have roots where I am at, so that is not a complaint. It is just still hard. I think I am in a new phase of grieving this and it is just hard to not be where I want to be!

3) I got a call from a good friend today who had a doctor's appointment. It didn't seem to go poorly, but also didn't seem to go well. The doctor ran some additional labs and told her she will have to wait for the results before knowing more. From what she had to say, it doesn't sound like he did a good job of telling her what he was looking for/ruling out or if she should be concerned. I think most people's default is that when the doc only gives you a penny's worth of insight it leaves a lot of room for questions, doubt, fear, etc. I'm a little perturbed that he didn't take better care of her and arm her better to know what to do in the mean-time while she waits. Plus, she is supposed to be leaving to go to school across the country and he didn't tell her if it was advisable to stay or safe to go -- seems like he just left the ball completely in her court. Don't doctors understand that we look to them (rightly or not - absolutely NO judgement here) for wisdom and guidance? Yes, we have to be our greatest health care advocate, but if you don't know what questions to ask the doctor, he should be kind enough to help guide you through the muddy waters. Sorry - this could very easily become a rant...in fact, maybe it has! I'll stop it here.

Here are my highs. I am so gonna rock the highs out of the water tonight!

1) Jenn is having her baby. Like right now! PUSH!! Welcome to the world little Emily Loraine! I can't wait to see you tomorrow. I couldn't wait for you any longer tonight, I had to come home. But I am so looking forward to meeting you face-to-face tomorrow and seeing this beautiful doll that I have been praying for, for the last nine months! Do you have any clue how loved you are? Any clue how many people are waiting to hold you and kiss you and cradle you and teach you about life? Oh, this world isn't that frightening when you have people who want to embrace you - and you have LOTS!

2) As if No. 1 isn't enough... I talked to an amazing, and hilarious woman today at work. She insisted that I am the only "case manager" she wants to talk to from now on. When she calls back if it isn't me and the Cancer Information Specialist who answers can't transfer her (which we can't), she will hang up and call back until she gets me. Does she realize I am one of about 250 Specialists in our National call center that is open 24/7 (of which I am there 30 hours a week)? I tried to explain, but to no avail. She insisted that when she wants something, she gets it. You know, I believe her! In her thick, New York, elder Jewish woman accent she closes the call by saying, "Oh Baby, you have just been the sunshine in my rainy day! You're such a Doll! May God bless you all the days of your life. No really, I mean that; all the days you live! You have given me hope today and that is more than anyone has offered in a while. God love you." It made me laugh and smile and gave me warm-fuzzies all over!

3) When I got to work this morning and checked my schedule, I saw that I have tomorrow off! Wow! I had requested the day off like 4 months ago and had forgotten about it. Since I didn't change my schedule after getting re-hired back to work, they never cancelled this time. I thought about giving it back. But given that it is now 10:30 at night, Emily is joining the world and I want to hang out with her and Jenn & David a little tomorrow, and that well...they're paying me to sleep in, I figured I would go ahead and take the time off! It is probably really good for me. Plus, the couple I'm staying with is getting back from vacation tomorrow. This will give me a chance to do a once-over on the house and make sure everything looks nice for them when they get home.

Yay for high-lows! It's good to practice sharing what's going on in life. It isn't always easy, but it is good. What are your high-lows for the day/week? Please share them with me. I really do want to know!

2009-08-30T20:50:00.002-05:00

Oh, I am Just Not Ready

I am just not ready for the weekend to end and to go back to work tomorrow. I have so greatly enjoyed the solitude and the time away. It was great to have two consecutive days where I didn't have to talk to anyone about cancer and where I didn't have to talk to anyone about not going to school. I got to spend time doing fun things that are healing to my heart in some funny way. I got to hang out with just God and myself. I spent time watering plants and trees and birds and making the house all clean and sweet smelling. It was just such a great weekend that I am not ready for it to end! I rather like having time alone, away from the realities of sickness and pain and the fragility of human-kind. I'm not saying I would want it this way forever - not at all. I just don't think I'm ready right now. Alas, it is 9:00 pm, which means it is time to get everything laid out and ready for work tomorrow because the day will be coming ... ready or not!

2009-08-29T23:13:00.003-05:00

Today

I told a friend at work the other day that I just wasn't "bouncing back" as quickly as I would like from this whole Bethel thing. It was hard for me to make plans to go and then in the blink of an eye have to change course! I haven't done a lot of talking to other people or blogging about this, because I really wanted to spend time with God and know that I know that I am good with Him before dealing with the periphery of everyone else's thoughts and opinions. I need to know what God is saying to me in this. Not so much what Adam, Brandy, and Caleb are saying.

I think that today something in me turned a bit. I have had time to lounge around and spend time with ME. I said "no" to going to an amusement park with friends, helping with a service project at church, and helping to take care of a friend who isn't feeling well this weekend - for the sheer purpose of just having some alone time. All of the other things would have been great too, but they weren't what I really needed - they were distractions right now! I would have been very blessed to have spent the day with friends playing, serving with my church, or loving on a friend that needed me. Those are all things that would have blessed other people too, in some way. They just weren't what was needed. I had to choose which was the best investment of my time today. Sometimes these choices are hard, but I am glad that I chose the way I did.

My heart somehow feels less burdened. I feel a little more confident in resting in the Lord for direction. I have been singing and smiling and enjoying the day. I got some things accomplished, and that is good. I made laundry soap - which spells super yummy and I can't wait to finish off the last batch so I can start using this one! I played some games on the computer. I spent some time outside. It was just a great day - and I am very thankful for it!

2009-08-29T00:14:00.002-05:00

The Fun Things I am Doing This Weekend

The couple that I am temporarily staying with is away on vacation for a few days. I have the house to myself. It is so much fun! I thought I would take advantage of the space and have a project weekend!

Yesterday, I scrubbed the kitchen. I loved it! I wish that I had the time & energy to have tackled cleaning off all of the cupboard doors. I didn't, though. I am happy with what I did! After getting a nice clean space, I let the fun begin!

Tonight I made a batch of Lip Balm. I adjusted my standard Peppermint Rose recipe a bit and I really think I like the way this batch came out! It's a bit heavier on the Vanilla Flavor. I think it will be fantastic for the autumn - maybe it's wishful thinking that the autumn will come very soon! I have hopes for a Cinnamon Spice recipe for the upcoming season as well. I'm working on a new base recipe as well, but not ready to make it in batches yet - this one will be good for the drier months of winter -- it has Vitamin E in it.

Tomorrow, I am going to make a good sized batch of laundry soap. I have some soap shavings that have been waiting for me to get to and I just haven't had the space. I think tomorrow will be a great time for that. It is so easy to do, it just takes some time and a willingness to slow down a bit. I think it is good for me!

While I'm letting the laundry soap rest, I may also make some shampoo from some soap that I made a few of months ago. It's Patchouli Lavender. I have been using the bar since it cured, but I am ready to experiment with turning it into a liquid shampoo. This will be a new one for me, because it is a milk soap base - goat's milk to be exact. I will start out small and see what happens. There is this piece of me that is fearful - probably irrationally - that once I emulsify the soap it will go rancid faster. I don't have anything to base this off of - at least not in the quantities that I will be making it in. I would like to get a good liquid base for shampoo, though because sometimes it is nice to have a liquid shampoo. I know it is probably what most people are used to, so it may sound strange for me to even refer to shampoo as anything but liquid. Since starting to make my own soap or get good quality natural soaps, I have found that I actually really like lathering up and soaping my hair down though. It works well, uses less soap, and I know exactly what is in it! Plus, there is something very fun about getting a fresh lather of creamy bubbles all over your hands! I reminds me of childhood!

I may be overestimating my ability for tomorrow. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I am! I may not get to it all, but it sure does sound fun. Doesn't it?

What are your fun plans for the weekend? Anything exciting?

2009-08-26T21:48:00.005-05:00

Thank You God for the Rain!

We are in the midst of a horrible drought. Tonight, it poured! There was a beautifully bright lightening show that preceded the opening of the flood gates of heaven. Once it started raining, it came pouring out though! It was SO beautiful!

There is something amazing about rain storms; something almost healing to the soul! The plants, animals, water sources all needed refreshed by this down pour. I think my heart did too!

I have always loved rain storms. I think my favorites were as a child out at the farm. During the summer, I would take a trip to the panhandle of Texas and visit my grandparents at the farm. I remember my grandfather taking me out in the tractor one day and going through the wheat fields with him. It started lightening and we had a deep conversation about where lightening comes from, who makes it, how it warns us that rain is coming, and how when it thunders it is not God bowling. It was probably the deepest conversation I had been invited into in my seven or so years of living! That night, it poured! We got back to the Yellow House (that's what I called my grandparent's home) just as the rain began to fall on the Texas Plains! I loved listening to it hitting the roof of the house and beating against the aluminum siding of the window unit. The bonus was that my grandmother wouldn't let me take a bath that night - for fear that I would get electrocuted! My grandfather and I sat down at the kitchen table, ate a bowl of cereal together, and then played a game of cards.

This is the memory I commonly think of when I have the pleasure of observing one of God's really good rain storms! It brings me back to a simple day of hard work, lots of love, and good conversation! There is definitely something healing about rain storms! Thank you God for letting it rain tonight!

2009-08-18T18:14:00.003-05:00

The Plans Seem to be Changing

Without saying too much - primarily because I do not feel like I have a lot in me to say - the plans are changing. I will probably write some things to post later, but don't feel as though I can really put my thoughts and feelings together into coherent words at the moment. I am not going to Bethel, however.

I am terribly sad! Even more than I am sad, I am very confused! I know that time (and a lot of prayer and rest before the Lord) will offer consolation and answers. For right now, I just feel a bit lost - and as if I have lost something!

As I'm sure you know, this came as a great surprise! It was not what I expected. I do still declare that the Lord, God, has ordered my steps! He will not lead me into harm and will not lead me away from His goodness! This whole process has been greatly bathed in prayer by myself and many trusted friends. We have been praying for a FULL provision of the Lord in this! I trust that even if it is not what I expected, this door closing at this time is mercy and provision by God!

Please be praying for me to have a great understanding, comfort, and peace. Please also pray that I pick myself up well and continue stronger, braver, wiser, and more committed to the Lord than I was before! May His glory be shown in this! Thank you!

2009-08-15T14:20:00.005-05:00

My Current Obsession and The Gift of Restoration

My current obsession is getting my support letters signed, stuffed, sealed, and sent! It's taking much longer than I expected. I guess it doesn't help that I am writing a little (or long) personal note to everyone. It just seems that it's appropriate to do! So, it is taking a L-O-N-G time for me to get them out! I now have several completely done and ready to go and many other's just about there. The other thing I have learned that may have saved me some time is that I should have just made a mailing list and printed labels! I thought about it and then decided not to, because I thought it would be more personal if I hand labeled all of the envelopes. I think that when I send out my update letters, they will be machine labeled!

While I'm taking a break from the very urgent task at hand, I want to tell you a really cool story from this morning.

While I was sitting at the table eating my breakfast, a young female cardinal slammed into the window. She fell fast to the ground! I jumped up and ran over to the window and gasped when I saw her lying on the ground. She was stone-still on her back, head toppled to the side, beak and eyes wide open. I thought for sure she was either dead, or would be shortly. I ran outside and kneeled down beside her and just started crying over her. I felt like the Spirit was asking me to "bless her". So I began to pray for her through my tears.

I saw a slow rise in her chest - then stillness again. I reached over and gently laid my hands on her chest -- something I have always been taught to never do! Don't touch wild birds - if they survive, it may be difficult for them to "re-enter" the wild...so I have been told. I just felt like it was the right thing to do, though. I continued praying for her, this time claiming dominion as given in Genesis. A minute later, another rise in the chest and a quick blink of the eye! I continued praying and asking God to revive his created one to the fullness that He made her in. I stroked her head very gently and started claiming her health; wholeness; recovery from this accident. Within about five minutes, she twitched her talons and picked her head up. A few minutes later, she flicked her wing and turned to her feet; standing very still. I backed away from her a bit, to not frighten her and continued to pray.

A little murmer of a song came out of her and then she flew about 2 feet toward me and stopped about a foot away from my hand. I reached toward her to see if she would flinch, and she didn't. So, I continued to touch her chest while I prayed some more. It wasn't long after that that she flew a few feet away from me and landed on a window sill on the porch and just perched there for about 30 minutes. She was flicking her tail, adjusting her wings, and breathing beautifully! I knew she was ok! More than that, I knew that God had revived her!! He heard my hearts cry for this little bird and was moved to re-create His created that was surely lost! I gave her a name - "Mercy" because the mercy of God was shown. It was beautiful!

It served as a great encouragement to me. Not only did it remind me of the authority that has been given to me in Christ Jesus, but it also reminded me even more how much my Father in Heaven will care for me! This is such a great reminder at any time, but so powerful right now! I am letting go and leaving behind just about all that I humanly call my provision and trusting in God to provide for me. It can be very frightening! But I cling to my faith and trust that God - in His love and goodness provides for me! It reminded me of Matthew 6:26-33 (NLT) - emphasis mine.

"Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to Him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, He will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need."

Now it's back to signing, stuffing, sealing, and sending! If I don't have your address and you would like to receive a support letter, please e-mail your address and I will get it out to you - with a personalized note! Blessings, my dear friends!

2009-08-12T15:37:00.012-05:00

I'm Back!

My blog has been a bit neglected in the past weeks. It isn't because I haven't had anything to say! In fact, I have thought through at least 20 complete blogs that I would have liked to have posted. I just haven't had 1) the time to stop and write or 2) the easy access. I have been checking in on my friends blogs from my phone so that I could stay on top of what everyone else has been posting - I just hate trying to concentrate on writing out what I am thinking about while trying to type on a keyboard that is 1 inch by 1.5 inches. =)

So, today I would like to post my response from my quiet time this morning. I thought it was quite appropriate to post. Enjoy reading.

I'm a Captive Set Free!

In Luke 4, we see a scene where our Lord, Jesus, went to the synagogue in Nazareth. He chose to read from Isaiah 61:1-2.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, for He has appointed me to preach Good News to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim the captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the down trodden will be freed from their oppressors, and that the time of the Lord's favor has come!"

I have been captive to many things; sin, sickness, and fear - just to name a few. But God has set me free! This scripture in Isaiah continues.

"To all who mourn - the time of the Lord's favor has come and with it, the day of God's anger against their enemies. To all who mourn (in Israel), He will give beauty for ashes, joy for mourning, praise instead of despair. For the Lord has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for His own glory!"

It is the Lord, God, who set us free!

I am privileged to have an opportunity to dedicate myself to a time of learning more about how God desires to move. I welcome the opportunity to learn how He desires to use His (broken and redeemed) children to bring forth His will and work on earth. I believe that God has great desires for this nation and world - I want a greater understanding of what these are and how to move in the power He established us with to accomplish this!

I know God is calling me, and I have decided to attend a ministry training school where the power of God is present! The instructors are fully submitted to Jesus and desire to chase after Him and accomplish the work He intends - all of the work He intends for us to do.

When Jesus walked this earth, He did so with great power! Of course! He is God! He gave His disciples the authority and instruction to do the same! I believe that just as the Lord instructed His twelve (disciples) to go out and heal the sick, raise the dead, and cast out the demons; we are (still) given the authority, power, and instruction to do these things! "Give fully as you have received" (Matthew 10:7-8)

It is just simply not enough for me to be a spectator in the spiritual war - I must engage!

"Therefore: Be strong with the Lord's mighty power! Put on all God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies and tricks of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world; against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms.

Use every piece of God's armor to resist the enemy in the time of evil, so that after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the sturdy belt of truth and the body armor of God's righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News, so that you will be fully prepared. In every battle you will need faith as your shield to stop the fiery arrows aimed at you by satan. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take up the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God.

Pray at all times and on every occasion in the power of the Holy Spirit. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers everywhere. And pray for me too. Ask God to give me the right words as I boldly explain God's plan that the Good News is for all. I am in chains now for preaching this message as God's ambassador. But pray that I will keep on speaking boldly for Him as I should." (Ephesians 6:10-20)

2009-07-30T16:51:00.003-05:00

Quite Possibly the Saddest Day Yet

Today was quite possibly the saddest day I have yet had. As of about noon, I am no longer a pet owner. It is the hardest part of this whole transition! I had to find new homes for my cats. All three of them got to stay together and they went to a wonderful family that I know from church. I know they will be well cared for, will get prayed for and blessed regularly, and will be treated with a great deal of love and respect. It is still so hard, though!

As I was preparing to leave the house with them today, the overwhelming sadness slammed into me like a tidal wave! I couldn't catch my breath! I knew I was doing the right thing, but it just hurt so bad! I felt like Piglet in Winnie the Pooh - "I'm not quite brave enough." I called on the Lord and He answered! He ushered in the strength needed - and even brought in a great deal of peace and some joy. It was still very difficult!

Noelle and Cinnamon transitioned very well! They eased in and found their way through the house. They got acquainted with Obie and Chewie (the two cats that already reside in the house). By the time I left, they were perfectly fine and were acting as if they have always belonged in this place. Truffle has a different tale, however. He was not too happy with the change. He groaned and growled. He didn't want to be in his cage, out of his cage, held, anything...he just wanted to go home! How sad it was for me to try to communicate to him that this was his new home! We finally left him locked in a very small powder room with his ball, carrier, and some water. He seemed ok with that - but still not the happy-go-lucky baby I know him to be. I know he will be fine! It makes me feel so much better to know that at least the girls adjusted well - within moments of entering the house.

I am doing ok. Very sad, but doing well. I know that God is preparing me for a time to focus on learning more about Him and growing in that. He was very faithful to provide a loving home for my babies. He has been faithful to provide peace to me, in the midst of a LOT of change!

2009-07-28T10:18:00.003-05:00

Stop or Go?

Moving day No.1 is just 5 days away. There are empty boxes stacked up against the wall outside of my bedroom and a smattering of packed boxes here and there in my room. There are stray pieces of furniture that didn't sell at the garage sale in the living room, my bedroom, and in the laundry room. My closet still has clothes in it. My filing cabinet - which is staying where I have been living - is still full. I have 1/3 of my books packed. My movies are packed away, but the box is left open just in case I need something to entertain me while I pack away the rest.

I woke up yesterday morning for work and felt like a load of bricks had fallen all over my body - and I had swallowed a drawer full of knives. I think the stress got to me! I had a horrid headache, my stomach was sick, my throat was very sore, and by all of the joints in my body were stiff and screaming at me for trying to move! I couldn't miss work, so I got ready and showed up. I looked at our PTO log and saw that we had several available spots for the next few days, so I requested some time off! I now have today, tomorrow, and Thursday off. I got home from work yesterday at 3:00 and crashed! I slept hard for a few hours, woke up and made dinner, went back to sleep. I woke up today at about 9:00 - for a total of about 16 hours of sleep. My throat and tummy feel a bit better, but I still have a headache and body ache!

I know I have a TON to do, but I am tempted to just take it easy today so that I feel more like pushing hard tomorrow and Thursday. We'll see what happens! A few days ago, I posted on facebook that my Things to Do list was now 7 pages long...correction...it is now 9! I just keep thinking that once I get moved a HUGE step will be done!! Then I can focus on support letters, meeting with people, and gearing myself up for moving again! =)

At least I now have a wonderful home for my sweet cats! I am blown away by the amazing provision of God in this! A family I know from church offered to take all three of my cats for me! They already have two cats of their own - and a little boy (who is super sweet and adorable!) They are such a sweet family! I know they are going to love and bless my babies so well! I can rest in knowing that they will be well cared for!

2009-07-19T11:39:00.001-05:00

Basil Chicken Primavera with Rice Pilaf

I made dinner the other night for a friend who was coming over. Little did I know that meal would end up serving another guest as well. The following night, I fed the left-overs to one of my sisters. Both of them wanted me to write out the recipe and send it to them, so I decided to just post it.

It really isn't too difficult to make. I gave it a medium-high difficulty level only because of the number of ingredients & steps and the multi-tasking. I think most of it is multitasking that is commonplace for dinner time meal prep, though. Please try it and let me know what you think. I am still contemplating making a gluten-free cookbook one of these days. This one would definitely make the entry. It's one of my favorite recipes that I have worked on - and it meets the criteria for not causing migraines or stomach upset for me -- two must haves but hard to finds.

Basil Chicken Primavera with Rice Pilaf

Recipe By: Lynn McClellan
Serves: 4-6 Adults
Prep Time: 30-45 minutes
Cook Time: 1 hour 15 min
Difficulty: Medium-High

Sauce:
1 Cup Orange Juice
1 Cup Olive Oil
5 Tbsp (1/4 Cup + 1 Tbsp) White Distilled Vinegar
¼ Cup finely chopped Basil (can use dried if fresh is not available)
1 Tbsp Oregano
4 tsp (1 Tbsp + 1 tsp) Ground Mustard seed/powder
1 Tbsp Sea Salt
1 Tbsp Ground Pepper
1 tsp Ground Ginger
1 tsp Red Pepper Flakes (add more for a more spicy dish)
2 tsp Cornstarch – this will give a thicker, less watery sauce in the end

Chicken/Veggies:
12 chicken strips or 4-6 chicken breast halves
5 Tbsp Butter - unsalted
Olive Oil
2 tsp Sea Salt
1 Tbsp (a squeeze of the bottle) Honey or Agave Nectar
¾ Onion - chopped
4 Cloves Garlic (you can grate these over the pan instead of chopping to save some time)
¾ of a 16 oz package of mushrooms – cleaned and sliced
1 Zucchini – sliced
1 ½ lbs mixed peppers (Yellow, Red, and Orange) – sliced (Costco sells 2 lb bags of mini
mixed peppers for around $4.00)
2 ½ cups Carrots - grated
1 large can (28 oz) Diced Tomatoes – drain and rinse well

Rice:
1 ½ Cups Short Grain Brown Rice
¾ Cup Wild Rice
4 ½ cups boiling water or stock (reduce salt if using stock)
3 Tbsp Butter - unsalted
Olive Oil
Spice Pack:
1 Tbsp Sea Salt
2 tsp Ground Pepper
1 Tbsp Basil
1 Tbsp Oregano
2 tsp Thyme
1 Tbsp Rosemary
3 Tbsp Parsley
¼ Onion – chopped
¼ of a 16 oz package of mushrooms – cleaned and sliced
½ Cup Carrots – grated
1 Tbsp (a squeeze of the bottle) Honey or Agave Nectar

This all comes together very nicely – in good timing. You can even make the sauce the night before and leave the chicken to defrost and marinate in it. I definitely recommend marinating the chicken for at least a few hours to develop the flavors well. If you are intimidated to do the whole recipe, try making the rice by itself a time or two before taking on the whole meal.

Make the sauce. You can use a standing blender or handheld blender. Mix all ingredients together and blend until it looks a little creamy and the oil does not separate from the other liquids. The spices should be well incorporated – not “floating” on the sauce. Pour this over the uncooked chicken – set aside to marinate.
Wash all the veggies well and chop/slice. Separate out what will go in the chicken and rice. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Heat a large sauté pan or skillet on Medium heat for chicken/veggies. Melt 5 Tbsp Butter. Add onion and begin cooking down until golden. Grate in Garlic and continue cooking. Add mushrooms and salt. You may need to add a bit of Olive Oil at this point. Let the mushrooms wilt down a bit.
Start to boil the water/stock for the rice in a large pot. In the pan you wish to cook the rice in, heat 1-2 Tbsp Olive Oil on Low to Med-Low and add in the rice to toast it. Stir rice mix often so it does not burn.
After the mushrooms have wilted down a bit (about 2 minutes), add in the zucchini, carrots, and honey/agave nectar. Cook together for a couple of minutes. Add in the peppers to start cooking down a bit.
The rice should be toasted and the water should be almost to a boil. Add in the onions and spice pack to the rice and stir well. Add in the mushrooms, carrots, honey/agave nectar and butter. Let the veggies begin to cook bit while you get the chicken in the oven.
Remove veggies from heat and stir in tomatoes. In a large casserole dish, ladle in about 1/3 of the veggies to cover the bottom. Pour in the chicken that has been marinating along with all of the sauce. Cover with remaining veggies. This will go into the hot oven and cook for about 1 hour - until the chicken is fully cooked.
Measure out and pour in 4 ½ cups boiling liquid to the rice pan very carefully! Turn the heat up to high (or move back to the burner the water was boiling on). Once the rice begins to boil, stir and cover. Reduce heat to low. Cook for 45-55 minutes. When the rice is done there will still be a little liquid in it – this is ok. Turn the heat off and let it set until the chicken is done.

Meal Tips:

When making the sauce, add a little bit of the vinegar or OJ to the cornstarch to thin it out before mixing it in with other ingredients. This will help prevent clumps.
When measuring out spices/herbs for the sauce, I find it helpful to go ahead and make the spice pack for the rice pilaf - set it aside and it will be ready when you make the rice.
Have a pot of liquid (water or stock) ready on the stove so that all you have to do is turn on the burner. Have some extra liquid in the pot as some will evaporate away while heating to boil.
Take it slow and enjoy the process! Cooking is fun! =)

2009-07-17T15:37:00.002-05:00

Dinner Mishaps!

I have two things working against me in making tonight's dinner. This has left me with a small injury.

I am cheap!
I am lazy!

I am making Basil Chicken Primavera, which requires 3 cups of grated carrots. I am cheap! In my kitchen are 2 Costco bags of baby carrots. I am too cheap to spend an extra $3.00 to purchase a bundle of whole carrots to grate. I am certainly too cheap to spend $5.00 on the pre-grated bag of carrots that measures out to right about 3 cups. Given the plethora of carrots currently occupying the refrigerator, I decided to grate baby carrots. FYI: it takes about 25-thousand-million baby carrots to end up with 3 cups, grated. This is where the second part comes in.

I am lazy! I have a food processor. I could get on my hands and knees and dig the food processor (and it's seven necessary parts) out of the cupboard designated for awkward kitchen appliances. That takes effort. Then, after I remember how to put the thing together right and use it for the 20 seconds it would take to grate an entire bag of carrots, I would have to take it apart and wash each of those seven separate pieces. This just seems like too much work!

So, I individually grated baby carrots with a hand-held cheese grater and stopped after skinning my knuckle twice - with about 2 1/2 cups of carrots to use for dinner. Don't worry - no flesh (or blood) made it's way into the carrots. I washed everything very well! But after all of that, I decided that it may have been worth the extra money to just buy the "convenience" bag of pre-grated carrots!

Oh well, at least I now have a legitimate excuse to wear a princess bandage on my finger! =)

2009-07-17T14:55:00.000-05:00

No More Secrets!

The last month has been a little hard. It has felt like I have been keeping this huge secret! In every circle I am a part of, I have wanted to just shout out and tell everyone that I am planning to go to Bethel. I haven't been able to because there have been certain people that I didn't want to find out through the grapevine - I wanted to tell them! People like my family, my closest friends, and my pastors. Well, it's summer and that means that everyone is away on vacations and mission trips and this and that. I have been telling people as I can because the time is close and I am making arrangements. Plus, when people looked horribly shocked and make comments like "Something huge must be happening if you're looking for homes for your cats." I feel like telling them anything but the whole truth would be...well...a lie! (Side note here - I haven't been not telling people what's happening. It has just been really important to me that some people find out from me - not someone else - that I am picking up and moving to California!)

I have now spoken with my pastor and church leadership. I have been able to tell my family. I have told almost all of my closest friends - and have let those individuals I haven't been able to meet with know that I have news to tell them. And, as of today I have officially told my supervisor and manager that I will be leaving in the fall. I didn't submit an official resignation, since I still have time, but let them know that I was planning on leaving. I just feel so much more freedom, knowing that I'm not holding this "secret" in. So share away!

Another bonus to me being able to freely share is that more people can be happy for me and rejoice with me! I am so excited about this and I want the people in my life to be excited with me!

2009-07-06T15:10:00.000-05:00

Leaps of Faith

I think we all go through seasons in our life where we feel like we are just wandering somewhat aimlessly; despirately searching for where we are supposed to be, what we are supposed to be doing, and just knowing that there is something more around the bend...but where is the bend in a wilderness?

I have been in one of those seasons lately. I have been happy enough, just not fully content in my situation; knowing that the Lord has called me to something more but not knowing what it is. Well, I am overjoyed to say that I feel like I have some answers to many of the questions I have been asking God. He has been speaking them to me for quite some time, but I was too afraid to really listen. I wanted the answer, but had deaf ears. I don't think it has been pointless. In fact, I believe the last year has served me very well! I feel like I have a greater understanding of "walking through fire and not being burned." I feel like I have a greater understanding of what it is to be disciplined in love and mercy, not in anger and fear. I have a greater understanding of my own temperment, personality, needs, and desires. Most of all, I have a more intimate relationship with God! Amazing that all of that can come out of a year of wandering!

So, what is the answer? I'm heading off to another season of schooling! This one much different than the last! (This is all presuming I am accepted - which I would love prayers about!) I am very excited! So much so that I just want my wording here to be perfect, which I know is impossible!

Over the last year, I have spent a lot of time looking at a school of ministry in Redding, California; Bethel (www.ibethel.org). I have been drawn to what was happening there. Many times I have opened the application and started to fill it out, but have always stopped myself. I didn't feel like it was the right time. What about money? I am in treatment for two chronic health conditions, so I have to have health insurance! I am trying to pay off student loans, not acquire more student debt. It is in freakin' California - that's far from Texas! The list of excuses goes on!

I still feel drawn. In fact, I feel sad about the prospect of not being there - and I haven't even gone! I hear that still voice of the Lord very clearly asking me to submit. He is asking me how long I am going to wait. He has asked me why I haven't already done it. I know it is the right thing. So, I started looking at each of my excuses. The response to each one of them was fear! I am afraid of not being in control! I am afraid of asking for support! I am afraid of going somewhere new! I am afraid of failure! But in the Lord, there is no fear! "For God did not give us a spirit of fear and timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

So, the preparations have begun! I am moving out of my current home at the end of the month and will be staying with a family from church until I leave for school in September. I am ready to submit my application. I have my support letter written and just about ready to copy and send out. Both of these actions are just on hold until my pastors to get back from Turkey so I can talk to them about this, get a reccommendation, and have one of them help me finalize the letter. I am trying to find homes for my precious, sweet, adorable kitty cats (call me if you want to foster one of them)! This one is really hard, but even in it I have peace and joy - which helps confirm that this is right.

There is still a lot to do, but God is giving me the grace to take baby steps - very quickly!! It's amazing! Since I made the decision to follow through on this - and actually started taking action - I have had more peace and joy than I have in over a year. Once again, this is not to say that I have been moping around for the last year. I have just known that God was calling me to something new and I wasn't sure what it was. Now I feel like I know and it is great!

If you want to be included in the support and newsletter mailings, please make sure I have your address. Like I said, this is happening faster than I am used to working. Therefore, I know I am missing some people. Just e-mail me and I will make sure you are on the list. And thanks in advance for the prayers and support!

2009-06-29T14:03:00.001-05:00

An Update and Memorial

I have started writing several entries over the last few days, but haven't been able to complete one of them for various reasons. Here is an update.

On Wednesday, my best friends mother passed away. You may remember me mentioning her in a couple of my writings. She has been fighting a battle of recurrent ovarian cancer with metastasis for many years. The last few months have been quite rough! I will write more about this in a moment.

On Thursday, I had a Sozo - which had been scheduled for a couple of weeks. Sozo is the Greek word for saved, healed, or delivered. The point is to uncover places of (spiritual) lies and allow God's freedom in that place, ushering in healing. If you want more info about this type of prayer ministry, try going to http://bethelsozo.com/ I will write another entry on this at some point. Bottom line is that it was amazing! God is so great! The Spirit is so wonderful to carry us through the places of brokenness and offer good gifts for healing in place of devastation! Oh, He is just amazing!

Friday, I came back to work and had this mixed feeling - euphoria from Thursday and sorrow from the pain of losing such a wonderful woman who has impacted my life. I made it through the day. That night was the carnival at my church - it was great. My group served ice cream. It was so much fun to watch children and adult-children alike trying to decide which flavor was the "best"! It was wonderful! That must be what the first day working at Baskin Robbins feels like.

Saturday I slept in a bit and then had a slow morning doing laundry and preparing to leave to drive four hours for the funeral service. I left that afternoon and had a safe drive. I stayed the night with one of my best friends from college, Summer. I was once again reminded of the blessing of friendship! I was thinking about it - we are about to hit the eleven-year mark on when we met and became friends! How amazing! We have been through so much together and when we see each other now, we just pick up wherever we left off the last time we saw each other - no matter how long that may have been! Our friendship is a true treasure to me! That night we stayed up kind-of late and watched a movie and ate ice cream. How fun!

Then Sunday was Summer's birthday. It was so neat to get to be with her on her birthday! We went to church. The teacher in the Sunday school class had been one of my professors in college many years ago. It was so surreal to be back in a "teaching" environment with him! When I walked in and saw him I had this little flash-back to 9 years ago. It was really funny! After church and lunch, I had to leave to drive another hour further north to go to the funeral. It was lovely - if that is ok to say. I walked in and saw Lisa (that is my friend) - she came over to me with tears streaming and gave me a hug. It was so hard to see the pain that she was in, but I was very glad that I could be there to support her. After hugging her, I went to her dad to give him a hug - that was the really hard part! He said something to me that meant so much, though! He embraced me and started tearing up. Then he thanked me for being there and for my endurance in praying for Sue through this ordeal. It amazed me that this is the word he chose, because this is exactly the word (endurance) that I have been asking God for and asking others to be praying for me in this! God is so amazing to provide what we need and then to confirm that He has provided what we need! After the service was over, I shared my condolences with the family again and then headed back home.

Now, I am back home. I am tired, and I have this very odd mixture of joy and sadness still. I am very happy that Sue is no longer hurting or suffering. I am overjoyed that she is now with the ultimate love of her life! I am very sad that we did not see the miracle that we have been waiting and contending for! I am very sad that we have lost such a wonderfully amazing woman on this earth! She has not gone without leaving a legacy. She will be missed, though!

2009-06-23T10:46:00.000-05:00

I Need Some Good News!

I'm feeling a bit discouraged today. I need some good news!

I look to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth! He will not let my foot slip. He watches over me and does not slumber! He watches over Israel and neither slumbers or sleeps! The Lord watches over me; He is my shade at my right hand. The sun will not hurt me by day nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep me from all harm! He will watch over my life! The Lord watches my comings and goings all of my days. Psalm 121

2009-06-16T22:13:00.001-05:00

Just a Question

Why do they make fish oil that is strawberry flavored? And why did I buy it? I can promise you this...it doesn't really taste all that strawberryish. What it actually tastes like is oil with a fishy flavor and a hint of strawberry. It doesn't really go! What was I thinking? It's not that bad - and it's only a teaspoon a day. I do think that I'm going to go for the lemon or orange flavor next time - I just think it might go with the already present fish flavor a little better!

Everything in life can be a learning experience, right?

2009-06-15T11:34:00.000-05:00

Collision

I am ready for a collision; for a collision of the will of man and the will of heaven! I am ready for the Spirit of God to move so freely among mere men, that nothing stands in the way! I am ready for the glory of God to rise up and men to fall to their faces to worship the King who is worthy! I am ready for the dead to live and the sick to be well! I am ready!

I am tired of contending for things to happen that I already know to be the true desire of the only One who can make them happen! I am tired of waiting! It isn't because I don't think these things are worth waiting for - Oh no! Just the contrary! I believe the glory to God is all the greater the more impossible the feat. But in the waiting is so much anguish - and that is where I get lost! I don't want to get lost or caught up in myself! I just want to stay at the feet of my love and wait - with peace - for what I know He has promised will come!

Some may think I am crazy for even waiting - I am not! I know that the will of man and the will of God collide - and when it happens, there is beautiful rejoicing in both heaven and earth! I think about my friends Allison and Amy, who have both struggled for years to get pregnant with many difficulties. Yesterday, I was holding baby Willow (Allison's daughter) and praying for her while I was staring at Amy's ever expanding belly. I had to walk away for a moment because I was tearing up in gratefulness because both of these women are proof that healing and miracles happen! Yet while I rejoice in the collision that occurred for these dear friends, I long and wait expectantly for similar miracles for other friends!

I have several friends that wait to have babies, one of my best friends mother's is fading away as her body is tormented by cancer, I have a friend whose back is injured and we contend for his healing, several friends with various auto-immune diseases that are being affected by immune systems that are fighting healthy body tissues, and of course for my own healing. Everywhere I look, I see the proof and effects of living in a fallen world! I will not quit fighting or quit believing that the good of God can and will triumph! I am just so ready for the will of God and my own to collide!

I don't need God to work miracles to trust in His goodness or to know that He can do it! I want to see it happen because I believe in the depths of my being that He desires it to be that way! He desires that the captives be set free, that the sick are healed, that the lame walk, that the blind see, and that the deaf hear! And in it all, I desire that glory be given to the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the One True God!

2009-05-26T22:36:00.000-05:00

A Trip to the Vet

On Saturday, I had to take my sweet Siamese cat, Cinnamon, to the vet for her check-up and vaccinations. It was good timing for her appointment because for the last few weeks her eye has been looking a little weepy. Being that it is the spring and everything is blooming and growing, I figured it was allergies and didn't worry too much about it. Last week I noticed that both eyes were weepy and one of them was looking pretty irritated. My eyes are also pretty weepy and irritated - once again because of allergies, so I dismissed it. I knew we were going to see the doctor this weekend, so I didn't feel too neglectful. When we get to the vet, they proudly inform me that my sweet baby has conjunctivitis - that's right, my cat has "pink eye". How that happens, I'm not quite sure! Had it not been for the doctor's appointment, I probably would have just continued ignoring and dismissing the symptoms for quite a bit longer, though.

The fun part about this is that I get to put eye drops in her eyes twice a day for the next week or so. Have you ever given a cat eye drops? Can you imagine the drama that ensues? This cat, who is an absolute sweetheart, is also...well...a CAT! Cats are very dignified! They are very private! They like to be touched when they request it - and generally only when they request it! Cinnamon is no different! Amazingly enough, cat's also don't seem to like to be picked up, tipped over like a little baby, and then tortured by having their human hold open their eyelids while dropping some cold medication (that I can only imagine stings) in their already hurting eyeballs! I can respect that! Here's my question though, how do I make it better if I can't put the drops in her eyes???? Does she understand that I am trying to help her? I don't think so. And if so, I don't think she cares! I think that in her own cat way she is cursing at me and planning her revolt!

So, you can imagine how excited I was to go about the scene of drama and torture (for both of us) tonight. To my surprise, she let me pick her up and hold her. Then, she let me hold her eyes open and drop the drops in without so much as a squirm! I was so proud of her!! She was sooo wonderful! If she was a human child, I think I might even feel tempted to reward her with some extra-special treat! I gave her the cat equivalent, though -- I put her down as soon as I finished putting the drops in! Man did she run away fast! When she got to the other side of the room, she turned around and looked over at me like I was the most evil person she had ever encountered! Once again, I imagine there was some feline cursing going on!

Here's what I wonder now...what will happen tomorrow morning?

2009-05-17T17:28:00.000-05:00

I was looking back over some of my blogs and read this one. I wanted to re-post it.

I'm A Captive Set Free: Weariness#links

2009-05-05T18:38:00.000-05:00

Endurance

I was in a meeting today and a friend mentioned a card that she had received many years ago when she was going through a rough situation. She said that a woman sent her a card that said she was praying for her to have endurance through the situation she was in. It stuck with my friend. What a great thing to pray for! Endurance! That has stuck with me for the rest of the day!

The fact that I have been feeling weary is no hidden secret! Every little blow seems to knock me down even harder than the last! I think sometimes, "do I really have it in me to keep at this?" Well, endurance is what I need right now! I need friends and hugs and little sentiments of encouragement! I also need endurance!

So in the 3 minutes I have before I have to be in class, I write from Colossians 1:10-13

"And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves."

2009-04-30T15:42:00.000-05:00

What I Need

I am not someone that tends to need a lot of hand-holding and encouragement. In fact, I tend to get annoyed with people when they offer too much of it. I am, quite often to my own detriment, very independent! I do not do well at asking for help or receiving it; even when I am desperate! I do need a little bit of encouragement - a "you can do it" "way to go" or "that's awesome" every now and then! I'm not saying that I don't want to hear that. If you say those kind of things to me, please don't stop!

I do however recognize that I am in a place and time where I need more encouragement than I usually do. Specifically encouragement in strength! I have been feeling very weak and tired lately! My energy supply is low, my resistance to adjusting is high! I was realizing last night that with the lack of energy I have had, I feel like less of a person! I feel like I am not as qualified for very basic things - and when I say qualified I mean it in a heart sense! I am not moping, but I do feel like I have been somehow robbed by this illness and the medications that I have been taking!

Sometimes I feel really angry, but at what? RA? Shots? Doctors? Blood work? Fatigue? Financial struggles? I don't really know what to blame...or who!!! I could blame satan, myself, or even God. I don't really think that any of those would be rightfully placed! I think they would just be places to lay anger! What I want is relief! Relief from pain, fatigue, fear, and everything else negative that has taken root since this diagnosis was made! I really do want God to be glorified in same way, but I also want to just live life! Was this part of the plan? I don't know that I can answer that, and honestly I don't know that I want the answer right now! Either way the question is answered, it has the potential for cataclysmic impact!

So, what I need is encouragement! Encouragement in strength! I was reading some of my favorite scriptures today, and amazingly enough they are all encouragement in strength! Here are a few!

"He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak. Even youths will become exhausted and young men will give up. But those who wait on the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:29-31

"So be strong and take courage, all you who hope in the LORD" Psalm 31:24

"But now, O Israel, the LORD who created you says, 'Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you, I have call you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.'" Isaiah 43:1-2

"He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength." Psalm 23:2-3a

Please, send me more! I would love to see what some of your favorite strength-encouragements are!

2009-04-29T22:22:00.000-05:00

Unhappiness

Today I'm having and ugh day. I really just feel like laying it out there and saying the things that I am dissatisfied with. I don't just want to leave it there though. Ok, maybe I do just a little. I think a part of me would be satisfied to just say all of the things that I am unhappy about and then close and go to bed. I know that isn't right though! I need to turn it over to God and ask Him to take control and bring satisfaction, even where I do not see a way. Right?

Here is a theological question for those of you who are exploring an understanding of where God stands on good and bad. Is it ok to simply be unhappy? Do we always have to try to flip it to the "But God is good because..." side of the coin? Sure God is good! I'm not questioning that, but sometimes down right crummy things happen and my opinion is that it is ok with God for us to be discontent in that! Is it sinful to be unhappy? I would probably question someone who said it is. I would certainly listen to their argument. I would most likely have a few rebuttals, though.

We are told to "consider it joy when we face trials of all kinds" and to "persevere in trial" in James 1:2 & 12. We are also told to "mourn with those who mourn" in Romans 12:15. King David and Jesus, alike cried out "My God, my God! Why have you forsaken me?" (Psalm 22:1 and Matthew 27:46). This suggests to me that it is ok to stop and think on the things that hurt, dissatisfy, and grieve me. The question then, is what do I do with the pain after I have acknowledged it and thought on it?

I don't know that I have the perfect response. In fact, I am pretty certain I don't have the perfect anything! What I do know is that God is close to the broken-hearted! I know it and I trust it. It doesn't make me any less dissatisfied with my circumstance, but it does offer peace to know that I can rest in the hands of a maker that loves me and cares about my circumstance even more that I do!

So, after recognizing the things that hinder my happiness, I go to God and cry out! "Father? Where are you? I know you hold me close, but right now I need to know how to bring these things before you and find contentment. I need to learn how to persevere and find joy in my trials. I need you to pour your perfect love over me to wash into the dark places that can't see your love! I need you to give me strength where I am weak and offer me rest! Restore me, God! Restore my body and my spirit! Let me dance before you with the joy of a young child! I will only bless your name, God! Regardless of my unhappiness, I will stand firm that you are righteous and good! In your Holy name! Amen!"

2009-04-29T16:31:00.000-05:00

Zephaniah 3:17

The LORD my God is with me. He is mighty to save! He will take great delight in me. He will quiet me with His love! He will rejoice over me with songs of joy!

2009-04-26T18:34:00.000-05:00

How He Loves Us

In the last two months, I have been without a car of my own. I have been very blessed to have a couple of cars loaned to me during brief periods and friends who have provided rides when I didn't have a car. I have had to sacrifice a lot of independence, drop a lot of things out of my schedule, and do a lot of asking for things...none of which come easy to me. God could teach me a lot in any of those places. For instance, some light was shown on my lack of willingness to just ask for help when I need it. For all that God could possibly teach me in this situation, I celebrate to say that He has simply (or not so simply) been showing me that He loves me! He has been fathering me, and asking me to allow Him to do so!

Over the last two months God has been speaking to me about allowing Him to provide for me, and about asking Him not only for what I need but what I want. He has also been teaching me about why He values me! This isn't the first time that God has urged me in this, but this time it has been as if scales have been breaking away from my heart! God was speaking to me about this prior to my car dying - and it isn't my car dying that caused me to see. I think that it was just being in yet another place in my life where I am not equipped to solve the brokenness -- alone! I needed help and that meant I had to seek it. Right? Well, not exactly. Let me start with what my standard approach would have been a crisis of this sort...

Car dies. That day I cry and look at every financial obligation I have; I furiously look over the budget and lack of money and think "I just don't know where it will come from." I start praying and getting creative. The following day I call at least 10 places to ask about quotes on fixing the car and opinions on "which way to go". I continue praying and planning. I will come up with something! On day three, I have contacted a list of at least 10 people letting them know the situation at hand and letting them know the need and begin selling myself in whatever way they are able to provide financially...I will babysit, clean cars, clean garages, organize houses, do what you need me to do...I will earn my way. (By the way, I am not saying anything against working for the things you need...it's a good plan!) But in this situation, I knew that wasn't what God wanted from me! I am already very busy! I am already very tired! And, the more busy I get, the more tired I get, the sicker I feel, and the less I can do. Even more than that, God wants to teach me that He loves me and loves providing for me because He is my father! Sometimes, He just wants to give me what I want or need, because it brings Him great joy to do so!

So when this happened, what I heard from God was "Wait! Trust in me and let me provide. Ask me for what you desire! Don't I care for the lilies of the valley and the birds of the air? They don't earn what I give them. I just give to them because I know their needs. Let me know what you want so I can give to you what you desire!" So, I waited. Some times less anxious than others. But I haven't let myself believe that I had to make it happen! What God has been doing is teaching me how He values me not for what I do, but for who I am. He hasn't pursued me because of what I can offer Him! He pursues me because HE LOVES ME! He wants me to be secure in knowing that I am worthy, not because I can do any good work, but because He calls me child! I am a daughter of THE Most High King!

Friday night I got a call from one of the elders at my church who told me they have a car that was donated. It needs some repairs and is in the process of getting fixed right now. Nothing is certain as of yet, because the title hasn't been transferred, but I think I have a car! We spoke again this morning and it seems that everything is a go for now. I am very humbled! I am however, not surprised! Isn't God wonderful?

2009-04-23T17:58:00.000-05:00

An Update

This is not the most pleasant update for me to write. I don't like writing these, but I think it is important for me to do so. This week has been a hard one for me. I don't have a tangible something wrong, I just haven't been feeling well this week. I have been fighting a lot of fatigue and pain this week, and just plain feel drained! I haven't done my shot for this week yet, because I am already so wiped out that I am afraid I won't be able to move after taking it. My days are pretty booked from now through mid-May, but I think the reality is that I am going to have to put some things on hold. That is so hard for me! I hate walking away from commitments without seeing them through! I hate slowing down - even more, I resent having to slow down! Plus, so many of the things that fill my time are also things that bring me a sense of purpose and joy - to put them on hold makes me sad! I feel incomplete because of having to slow down. I am, after all, only 30! Why do I feel like I am double that?

I am not complaining - just asking myself and God some questions! I think it is ok to do so! I just need to keep my eyes on Jesus and know that even though I am weak, He is strong!

God, I ask that you will give me the energy and encouragement that I need right now! Please bring about your perfect will in and through me! Lord, I pray that somehow in my imperfection that I can still bring glory to your perfect name! Bless me, God, with the ability to keep my eyes fixed on you regardless of my circumstance! Continue to teach me how to intercede on behalf of myself and so many others that I have been given the honor to intercede for! Teach me more God, how to seek healing! Lord, deliver me! I love you Lord, and thank you for the perfect love that you show me! In your precious and holy name, Amen!

2009-04-17T12:46:00.000-05:00

I'm A Captive Set Free

I have been giving my blog a "make-over" this past week. I felt part of that was updating my profile. Here is what I started out with before narrowing it down to 1200 characters. Really - it is at exactly the 1200 character limit now! Enjoy!

I write these things because I am a captive set free! A captive to depression, fear, sickness, and sin. The good news is that I have been set free by the love and mercy of my precious savior, Jesus Christ! Through Him, freedom has been ushered into many areas of my life and I know there is more to come!

In college, I suffered from depression. I found my greatest friends during this time to be God and writing. In fact, in large part I discovered the love that God has for me through writing. The massive chasm between the got-it-together life I attempted to portray and the torrents of pain I was really living in was eating away at me. I was very new to following Christ and was recovering from a lot of hurt that I had grown up with. Writing was a way to focus my inner voice and give it a way to speak. It was also a way for me to hear what the Lord had to say to me.

In 2oo3, I went to visit a friend who lived out of town. While attending her church, a word was spoken over me, as an anointing to "write and speak the word of God for a new generation to know His affection." I was re-invigorated to begin writing again; something that I had become fairly complacent in. I had a new desire to be disciplined in this.

In the summer of 2007 I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA), an auto-immune disease. At the time I was diagnosed, there was already joint and organ involvement of the disease. One of the challenges I was given around the time of the diagnosis was to "write often."

I still write frequently in my private journals, but I felt challenged to share some of my writing along the way. This blog is my attempt to be faithful to something I believe the Lord has given me - and asked of me. I have seen over time how writing has been a tool of healing in my life. I trust that it will be a conduit for healing in this time, as well.

It is my hope that as you read my random ramblings, prayers, and struggles they will touch you in some way. It is my desire that I will be able to grow in wisdom, truth, and vulnerability. I also desire for this to be something that brings honor and glory to my Lord of Lords! Please join me! And please feel free to leave your comments along the way.

2009-04-17T12:11:00.000-05:00

Purpose

I have been thinking a lot about destiny and purpose lately. I have even written quite a bit about it, but haven't gotten the posts up. I believe that God created me, and the rest of us, with a purpose in mind; a destiny. I really want to know what mine is and how to live it out! My life counts for nothing if I haven't lived out the will of God in it!

I moved to Austin in 2002 with a sense of calling to be here. I didn't know why I was coming to Austin. I just knew this is where God was calling me to be. Since that time, I have been involved in multiple communities, lived with several families that I trust I have left a mark on, and have grown more in understanding and developing my own knowledge and relationship with God. I have grown up a bit! I feel as though there is more...I know there is more! I know that God has more for me to accomplish, and I want to have the faith to just dive in! Not fool-hearted, but faithfully!

So I guess for today, my prayer is that I would have a greater wisdom and understanding of the plans and purpose God has for me. That I would be submitted before Him, at all cost to myself, to know how to follow after Him and the desires He has for me! I ask God, that you would reveal to me a new vision of how to follow after you. Help me to trust in you more today than I ever have before! Give me child-like faith; a faith that is unabandoned and unashamed! Lord Jesus, be glorified!

2009-04-11T11:28:00.000-05:00

Celebration Weekend

I feel as though I should write something, given that it is Easter weekend! I am just now, as an adult, learning to appreciate what Easter really is. As a child, Easter was about wearing a pastel or white colored fluffy organdy dress with itchy tights that had little bunnies or chicks embroidered all over them and a new pair of white patent leather dress shoes that were being worn for the first time of the year. It was about getting a pretty little basket that had some plastic eggs filled with candy and change, and then running through the yard with my sisters finding the real eggs we had dyed the day before. After the exhaustive hunt for the eggs and the chocolate bunny, my mom would make us wash off, pack us in the car to head to church. When we got home we would sit at the table to eat a family lunch of ham, green beans, and deviled eggs that were made with the eggs we hunted that morning. I didn't ever really get that Easter was about anything much more than all of the (out of the ordinary) stuff that we did that day.

Over the years, my view of Easter has changed a bit. It really happened a few years ago, though. I was a live-in nanny for a family where the father was an atheist and the mother had been exposed to Christianity but didn't really think it was for her. I frequently had to work on the weekends. When I first started, I told her that I wouldn't work Sundays unless I could take the children with me to church. She agreed. She was happy to let them go with me and they really enjoyed it. Even on the Sundays that I wasn't working, they would go with me. The children loved going to church and loved learning about Jesus and the Bible. Their mom saw this and got into it. For Easter that year, she said that she wanted me to help her. Instead of just putting money and candy in plastic eggs and hiding them, she wanted me to help her go through the Bible and find verses that she could print out and hide in the eggs to encourage her children in their new-found passion!

At first, it was lost on me. Don't get me wrong, I thought it was a great idea! I loved the idea of encouraging children with scripture! And I though it was a neat way to get beyond some of the commercialism that has become the focal point of this Holy-day. But I also thought "why wait until Easter to give them scripture...what makes that day any more important than today to live it out?" I didn't get it! Easter is the day that Jesus ROSE!!!! That is something that the world knows we as Christians celebrate! They know that Easter is important for that reason; something I was taking for granted! She wanted it to be that day because to her, that was the day that counted. THAT was the day that mattered!

My theology about Easter changed quite a bit that day...and continued to! To finish the story out, the next year I was working for and living with another family. The week before Easter, I got a call from the family I had previously lived with and they asked if they could come to church with me...the WHOLE family; father, mother, and all three children! It brought so much joy to me that I still tear up when I think about it! I can't tell you how special it was to me to be sitting in church with that family, who I love so much!

So, when I think about Easter, I don't really think about the eggs and baskets and pretty white dresses anymore. I think about the faces of the people I love who have yet to know the truth of what Jesus has done for them and just how much he really loves them! I think about my father. I think about my friend, Michael. I think about the families that I have lived with and loved who are not followers of Christ. I am undone by the vast amount of love that God has; that I know he has been able to forgive and wash away my many sins and love me despite all of my failures! He loves us! He cries out for humanity and I ask that he would give me but a taste of his heart for the lost! I pray that somehow I can bring grace and love to my friends and family and that my heart can become more and more a reflection of my precious Jesus!

Happy Easter to all of you! May you be blessed!

2009-04-08T07:21:00.000-05:00

I've Lost It!

I used to carry around this big planner - thank you Franklin Covey! I loved my planner, as any of my good friends can tell you. Her name was Francine. I started using her in high school and just refilled her as the years went on. When asked what I would take to a desert island, Francine would probably be in the top five list. It may not seem very practical at first...we can argue that another day!

About a year-and-a-half ago I was finally convinced to merge my life into a smaller planner. It fit in my large purse - something Francine never could do! I was content with this smaller planner, but was recently inspired by a friend to go even smaller! I found these cute little calendars at Target for $1.00 and got one for both of us. This one even fits in my tiny purse! I call it my baby calendar - a stolen phrase. I have gotten quite attached to my baby calendar, as I find it to be much more convenient than carrying around something the size of Gone With the Wind!

Why am I writing about my calendar? I can't find it! That baby calendar is one of the many tools I use to keep myself sane! I am now left to the back-up of relying on the master calendar...my brain. The problem is that my brain sometimes forgets events when it is also trying to remember everything else! I have to find that calendar! Otherwise I must start over! This never happened with Francine!

2009-04-06T20:21:00.000-05:00

An Update

I don't have a whole lot to say, but wanted to post something. So here is a little update of what's been going on with me.

A few months ago I got a ticket for running a red light. I made my case to the judge and requested community service. He granted my request by giving me 25 hours of service time to be completed in 1 month. By the time I got in touch with the right people, coordinated everything and was able to get started, I had 3 weeks to complete the time. I have officially finished 5.5 hours - 1/5th of the way there! The rest has to be done by the 17th. I figure that if I go after work almost everyday and work all day on Saturday I can get it done. I can request an extension if I need to, but I don't really want to unless I have to!

I have also been working on stuff for our church's version of Vacation Bible School. We call it Neighborhood Bible Clubs. We have families that will host little clubs in their front yard or in parks so that neighbors can attend. I have helped with them for the last few years, but this year I have been more involved. I have been assisting our coordinator with administrative tasks and also working on promotions for the clubs. This has been a very new place for me to step in to! I was quite leery of being in this spot at first - I thought "what do I know about communicating to other people about this stuff?" It's actually proven to be an OK place for me. I definitely feel like I am stumbling my way through - but I also feel like maybe I am learning more about some of the things that God would like for me to be more assertive in and feel more confident at taking authority in. I guess that only time will tell if it is a good place for me to be, or not.

Life with the family I live with has continued to be a challenge. Keep in mind that challenge does not always mean bad. I am definitely starting to look forward to finding another living situation though. I feel like it will take some pressure off of the friendship and that maybe we can experience a greater degree of love for each other!

In the way of relationships, I have been learning some things about myself. They have not been easy - but I think they have been good for me to learn! First, I have learned that I am much more judgemental than I have ever before acknowledged - and I have recognized that the judgement I pass has a great potential to wound the people I love! Second, I have learned that in pressure situations I tend to back down, pull away, and hide out...until...the pressure gets so great that it all comes out...everything that has caused me to back down or pull away or hide out. It may not even be something that would be rational to cause hurt - it just gets added into everything else and it becomes (sorry for the cliche) fuel for the fire! The third thing I have been learning is how precious and important relationships are to me! This one is harder for me to put into words, but there is so much emotional rise (both good and bad) that stirs in me and it is directly tied into other people. I have always known that my friendships are important to me, but I don't think that I have ever really recognized just how powerful relationships are to me!

I think that is about all I have for now. Plus, someone else is waiting for the computer. I will keep my prayer short because of this.

God, I thank you that you have given me the ability and opportunity to serve and bless my community during this time. I thank you that you have also given me the ability to serve my church. Please continue to bless both of these organizations, that they may prosper and that those they serve may see your glory and know your love! I ask that you would bless the family that I am living with and that you would speak into our relationships, that we would be able to love one another well! I also thank you that you have been teaching me more about how important relationships are and the responsibilities that I carry in those. Please bless these interactions and bring your grace in. Thank you Lord.

2009-03-30T10:09:00.000-05:00

It's Been a While

I haven't written in a while. I have wanted to, I just haven't known what to say. So what has been happening?

Well, I still don't have a car of my own. It is still sitting up at the church parking lot - just hanging out! I have been the recipient of an amazing gift, though! A couple from church has been letting me use one of their cars for the time being. It has been such a blessing! I also spent a couple of days doing some hard work and figured out that the big picture of my debt is not quite as bad as I thought it was. I am still not in a position now where I can peacefully take on any additional debt, but it makes the prospect of paying it all back a little less grim! I have actually paid a lot more on my student loans over the years, so I owe a lot less than I thought. I was also able to get both of them into a new repayment schedule. It is going to be HARD, but I have hope!

One of the greatest things that I feel I have been learning lately is about God's desire to provide for me and His desire for me to ask - to invite Him to provide for me! God doesn't just want to give me what I need, because I need it. He wants to give me the desires of His heart - because it brings Him joy to provide. He is a good father and good father's provide well - and joyfully - for their children. They provide not out of obligation, but out of desire to see their children blessed and honored!

I didn't learn these things from my father and I think it really has made an impact on my ability to trust God and receive from Him as a father! I remember being younger and listening to people talk about how their relationship with Father God was stunted because of their relationship with their earthly father. I never got it - I never understood! As I am getting older and getting to know and trust God more, I see that the places I hide from Him and the places I lack trust are the same places that there is brokenness in relationship with my own father.

What I do know, is that God wants to redeem these places! He wants me to trust Him and not run or hide. This means that I can tell Him what I want and what I need - and even more so, I can ask Him for those things!

I know the next few months are going to bring in a lot of challenges and even transition! There are a lot of balls in the air being juggled and some that are in the chute about to be shot out. I need discernment to know what to hold onto and what to put down. I need energy to be able to accomplish everything - well! I need grace to be able to make mistakes and correct them. I need friends to walk with me.

Lord, I thank you for the things that you are teaching me. I thank you for the way you are breaking scales away from my heart and you are revealing more of your character and desires to me! I thank you that you have no turning - that you will not relent! Thank you sweet Father, that I am important enough to you that you desire to provide for my wants and my needs. Thank you, that you care for me with joy and not with obligation! I love you, God! Thank you for loving me! I ask that you would continue to teach me how to allow you to provide for me. I ask God, that you will give me the discernment, energy, grace, and friends that I mentioned above. I also ask that you would be teaching me how to be more vulnerable and transparent - how to be more real - in my relationships with others and with you! Thank you!

2009-03-14T00:26:00.000-05:00

Today Was Very Productive

Please do not judge me as you are reading this. The simple fact is that I have made some big mistakes financially along the way. Some were out of necessity, some were out of not knowing better, and some were just out of not making the right choices. Whatever the reasons, I have more than a fair share of financial burden that I do not know how to overcome. Well, with a lot of motivation, a lot of help from other people, and a lot of grace from God, I am on my way to righting some wrongs.

Today was a day off of work for me. I could have spent it sleeping in, watching TV, playing with friends...any number of fun things. I didn't though! I woke up at 8:00, buckled down and got to work! I organized the two baskets of receipts and bills that needed to be addressed. Then I took care of the top three things on my "Most Important Things To Do" list. I spent a cumulative 4-5 hours on the phone and humbled myself to ask for mercy and help. In the end, I was able to make arrangements to get both of my student loans out of default and take care of a pressing legal matter that was not related but has needed to be addressed for quite some time. I got done and all I could do was shout with joy, "Thank you, Jesus for helping me through today! It is done!"

My mother also stopped by on her way home from work, so I made a simple dinner and we enjoyed each other's company for a little while. After she left, I rewarded myself for pressing through all of the hard work and stress of the day by starting a little sewing project...or something like that! I have this feather pillow that is really old and I love sleeping with it. The casing was getting all worn out and falling apart, so it has been sharing all the feathers with my bed, sheets, hair, etc. I decided tonight to make a new casing for it, sanitize (I use this term loosely) the feathers, and stuff the new pillow casing. It worked ok, but I ended up with stray feathers all over my bedroom. That's ok, though. It gave me a good excuse to vacuum. I also went ahead and stripped the bed and cleaned the bedding so it is one less chore I have to do tomorrow. Now, I am going to take myself to bed and sleep in peace!

Before I go, I must say that I am very proud of myself for working hard and accomplishing the things that I did today! It took a lot of courage for me!

Thank you, Jesus that you are growing me and making me more capable of doing the difficult things. Thank you for teaching me what it means to be faithful with a little. Please continue to help me and teach me, so that I will learn to be a good steward of the things you have given to me. I ask this not only for myself, but also so that I will learn how to better bless and serve you and others. Thank you for washing me new and for forgiving me of the places where I am wrong. Help me Lord, as I strive to walk in your ways!

2009-03-10T16:52:00.000-05:00

You Won't Believe What Happened

I haven't had a chance to write about this until now, but I am very excited and very thankful! On Sunday morning, at church, I was talking with a friend and she wanted to pray for me about the results of my doctor's appointment and about my car. She had just said "amen" when a couple walked up to me and offered to let me use their car for a little while. I was blown away! I don't even know these people! We have some friends in common, but I didn't know anything more than their names when they walked up to me! It seems that they felt God was prompting them to let me use their car, so they offered it to me. It is such a blessing and such a relief! It still doesn't solve what to do about my car, but at least it gives me a way to get to and from work and other appointments without having to bother other people to take me. I don't know how long I am going to have access to it, but I have something for now!

Thank you God for hearing my cries and for responding! Thank you for caring and for providing for me. Thank you that you remind me that I mean more to you than the lilies of the valley or the birds of the air and that you care for them, so you also want to care for me! God, please continue to grow my faith and speak words of wisdom over me. Continue to teach me to search for you. Thank you for the people that you have placed in my path to help care for me and to walk with me through these times of struggle. Bless them richly, Lord! Pour your covering upon them and let them know just how precious and treasured they are! Thank you God, for meeting me and calling me into higher places with you! I will follow you with joy, knowing that you are good!

2009-03-06T20:14:00.000-06:00

How Am I?

A friend of mine just sent me an e-mail asking how I have been. She hasn't seen me in a few weeks and wanted to check in. At first, I wrote the following response. I ended up only sending the first two sentences.

So to answer how I have been, the honest answer is not that great. The last couple of weeks have been really hard! My car finally died and so I have been without a car and I have been depending on other people to take me to and from. I HATE it!!!!! I am such an independent person that it is really hard for me to have to ask for help and rely on other people and justify going here and there and wait when I want to do something. Those have all been hard! But then you just begin to add in the money aspect and I feel like I have lost all grips on control! I was talking with another friend for a little today and the perfect statement came out. "It isn't really about the car. The car has just been the cherry on top of a sundae of being overwhelmed by finances. It's like I am reaching for band aids right now to try to cover a gaping wound that has arterial bleeding!" My head has been pounding for almost three weeks now it started as a migraine, but seems to be different and almost worse in the last week. It occurred to me last night that my blood pressure is probably high. I had a doctor's appointment. Sure enough my BP was 145/88! It's normally around 105-112/60. I thought "no wonder my head is hurting so bad. I'm about to have a stroke!" I just took an interesting combination of medication to slow my BP down and knock me OUT for the night. Maybe if I can just sleep sleep sleep I will feel a little better tomorrow!

Oh, and the results from the doctor's appointment weren't that great either. My inflammation markers are the highest they have been in 2 years. I get copies of my medical records for my own files - the doctor's dictations note "additional progression of advanced disease observed." My spirit crashed!

2009-03-05T23:26:00.000-06:00

God, I Need More

More grace, more peace, more patience! I need it all, and much much more! I don't know how much longer I can go like this! I feel like I am suffocating in the stress of things to do, expenses to find money for, and relationships to maintain. This doesn't even begin to keep in check trying to focus on work, make time for rest, and somehow try to spend quality time (not the leftovers of my day) with my Creator. My head feels like it is going to explode off of my shoulders all day long, my heart aches as if it is going to pound out of my chest, the night of rest is interrupted time and again by worries or pains or memories of things that didn't get done or need to get done. My skin is itchy and breaking out. All someone had to do is look at me with a slightly questionable "tone"...or even just smile and I all but burst into tears. I think I have come to the end of myself! I can not hold on any longer!

God, I need more of you! I am nothing without you. This I know. But do I really believe it? My actions and response to the lack of control I am living in right now would somehow seem to say I don't. God, would you please take what little faith I have and somehow - in a way that only you can - will you please move mountains with it? I just need more of You God! Holy Spirit, pour your balm of comfort and peace over me. Father, speak Your wisdom over me! Help me know what to do. Help me God, to hear you over the torrents of accusation, condemnation, and rejection. Jesus, my precious and mighty Jesus! I need you! I need you more today than I ever have! Please come and rescue me from the lies that so easily entangle me. Let me hear your acceptance and see the love in your eyes and forget all of my own concerns. God, I need more...more of you!

2009-02-13T00:00:00.000-06:00

The Day

The day was a really great day! Thank you, God for such a great day! It was busy and it was hard! I got about 4 hours of sleep last night (which made it almost 2 hours later than I planned on waking up by) and did not stop once while I was awake. In fact, I just checked my e-mail for the first time all day. I didn't get everything accomplished that I planned on for the day, but I got enough that I feel like there are some boxes checked off. I still have a lot to do tomorrow - enough that I feel like I have to play the role of Super-Lynn again. It's ok, though! Tomorrow night is going to be great! Just like today was great!

I think my high today was while I was driving. I went to a memorial today for a friend that passed away 10 years ago - today is the anniversary. It took me about 2 hours to get out there, about an hour out there, and about 3 1/2 hours to get home (because of traffic). For the first hour as I was on my way back home, I was just moved by the Spirit to be praising God and thanking Him for all of the wonderful things He has done in my life! I sang a little and laughed a lot. Thanksgiving just rattled off of me without any desire to stop! It was SO precious! I thanked God for little things and big things, stuff that happened 20 years ago and stuff that hasn't even happened yet, and for the riches and wealth that He has blessed me with! I spent time praying against lies and curses of Satan and calling in the Spirit of God in place of those things. It was just a wonderful time! I am so grateful for it!

I have much more to say, but I am so exhausted that I am almost about to start crying - just because my emotions are pretty much spent for the day, not because anything is wrong. I am going to go crash and receive the dreams and blessings that God wants to speak over me tonight! I am going to sleep well!

Thank you God for the day today. Thank you for blessing me with such a wonderful time to spend with you and hear from you today! Thank you for getting me to and from safely today. Thank you for all of the precious people that you have put in my life, who have made such an impact! Thank you for this wonderful day. It is such a blessing! I thank you that you are making me sleepy, so that I will be able to rest well tonight. I also thank you for the dreams that you are going to bless me with tonight and ask that I would be able to hear your heart for me clearly! Thank you, God for being so wonderful and so good to me! I love you and thank you for the ways that you have pursued me and loved me! It is in your precious name that I lift this to you! Amen!

2009-02-12T02:43:00.000-06:00

Sleepless Night

I have been trying, unsuccessfully, to fall asleep for over three hours! It is now a little after 3:00 am. I really really really want to be asleep! I just can't seem to get there though! It is really frustrating! I keep thinking about a kajillion different things, none of which do I want consuming my mind right now. I finally decided to write it out and see if that will somehow bring on the drowsiness I am longing for!

I am thinking about a lot of different things tonight.

* The boy who I really like, but have no clue if he likes me. I have it so bad that every time I think about him I get this dorky smile and start thinking about what it could be like if something actually worked out between us.

* The birthday cake that I somehow have to fit the making of into my extraordinarily busy day tomorrow (technically today) - all so it can get decorated by my extraordinarily busy day on Friday.

* Thinking through all the things I have to do on Thursday...wake up early, go to HEB - one of the ones that has gluten free cake mixes. Buy said cake mix along with the ingredients to make frosting, french onion soup, and an appetizer of some sort (that I still haven't figured out). Come home and make aforementioned cake. Let it bake for however long 4 cake mixes will take. Get everything ready for a quick trip that I am taking, go exchange cars - I am borrowing a friends car for the trip that was just mentioned, go to a meeting at the church, leave and drive 2 hours away for a 30 minute memorial service and then drive another 2 hours back home, come home and change, get communion, and head out to small group. Only after all of that will I get to eat dinner and have communion with my friends. I then have to go exchange cars back, come home and decorate the cake that was previously spoken about. At some point in time during the day I also need to call my doctor to see if I can move a doctors appointment to an earlier time for Friday. I also need to call my sister and see if I can use her mixer and somehow get to pick it up before small group.

* I am also thinking about how tomorrow is the 10 year anniversary from the day one of my dear friends got killed in a car accident (hence the memorial). Could it possibly be that 10 years has passed since I saw her beautiful smile or heard her joyful laugh? It doesn't seem like it, but it has been!

* I am thinking about how Friday is going to be just as busy as Thursday - minus the 4 hours of driving. Friday is my birthday party. I still have quite a bit to do to get ready for it, but I can't even begin to think through it all. I need to get through Thursday first - then I can think about Friday!

* I am thinking about how my head is already hurting and if I don't get enough sleep I am pretty much destined to have a migraine...which I have already been dealing with for 2 days. It is hard enough to get through the day with a migraine when I don't have a lot to do -- when there is this much that needs to get done it is impossible!

* I am worrying that I will be sleepy while I am driving...just not safe!

I have prayed through all of this. I have asked Jesus to wash over me with peace and rest. I have rebuked Satan and his demons from causing me worry, pain, sickness, and restlessness. I have welcomed in peace and joy and wellness and sleep. Now that I have chronicled the things that are consuming my mind, rebuked evil, and welcomed the blessing from my Lord and Savior I am going to go back to my bed to sleep!

2009-02-11T15:29:00.000-06:00

Gluten Free Bread

I have been completely gluten-free for a couple of months now. Prior to that, I was eating mostly gluten-free items, but making periodic exceptions. I did this as an experiment to see if I would start feeling better. So far, I am feeling much better and I hope to see more positive results as I continue. When I first started, I bought the pre-made loafs of bread at a whopping 5.00 per loaf (they are in the freezer section for those who are interested.) The bread was pretty good, but lacked the softness of regular (wheat-based) bread. Then I got a little more adventuresome and bought the bread mixes that come with their own yeast packet and pretty simple directions. Those are about 4.00 per mix. With either of these options, you have to keep the bread in the refrigerator or freezer in order to keep it from completely drying out or just crumbling away. Today I got brave enough to try making a loaf from scratch. I figure it cost me about 1.50 to make plus a little extra time. The recipe I used is below, for anyone who is interested. It is vegetarian (no milk) and I have included a tip for vegans to substitute for the egg. I will let you know how it turns out.

I first started by making an all-purpose flour mix. This batch made a little more than 3 cups, so I just measured out what was needed for the bread.

Gluten-Free All Purpose Mix:

1 Cup Brown Rice Flour
1 Cup Cornstarch
1 Cup Tapioca Starch Flour
1 Tbsp Potato Flour
1 Tbsp Xanthan Gum

Bread:

1 Tbsp Active Dry Yeast (approx 1.5 packs)
1 Tbsp Sugar
1 1/2 Cups warm water (about 105 degrees)

2 1/2 Cups Gluten-Free All Purpose Flour Mix (see above)
2 tsp. Xanthan Gum
1 tsp. Sea Salt

2 Eggs
1 1/2 Tbsp Olive Oil
1 tsp. Distilled White Vinegar

1) Combine Yeast, Sugar, and Water (it works well to mix it all in a 2 cup pour-measuring cup). Mix lightly and then leave it alone! It should get bubbly and "grow" a little. Let it set while getting everything else mixed.

2) In a large bowl, combine Flour Mix, Xanthan Gum, and Sea Salt. Mix well, making sure that all ingredients are evenly dispersed.

3) In a separate bowl mix Eggs, Oil, and Vinegar. Mix until everything is well mixed and egg looks a little foamy.

4) The yeast mixture should be foamy (it needs to have set between 5 and 10 minutes - no longer). Pour the Egg mixture and Yeast mixture into the Flour mixture; mix well.

5) Spray or lightly oil a bread tin and lightly coat with Amaranth Flour (you could also use a gluten-free corn meal flour). Scrape dough into the tin and lightly cover with a towel. Set in a warm spot to proof for about 1 hour (until the dough has grown to the top of the pan).

6) Bake for about 45 minutes in a 350 degree oven. You may need to cover the top with foil for the last 5-10 minutes of baking to keep it from getting too brown.

7) Let it set for about 5 minutes in the tin after removing from the oven. Dump out onto a cooling rack and let it cool. Slice bread and store well-wrapped in the freezer or refrigerator.

Note: If you are vegan you can substitute the following for the egg:
6 Tbsp Water
2 Tbsp Ground Flax Seed (Flax Seed Oil does not work as well for egg substitute in baked goods)

As I said, this is the first loaf of gluten-free sandwich bread I have made from scratch. I will let you know how it turns out. I have also almost perfected my pancake recipe. Maybe I will post it soon.

2009-02-06T10:04:00.000-06:00

Blessings

This morning, I was reminded about the conviction of blessing people instead of cursing them. I started my morning by reading something that a friend wrote about her children. She was telling many of the great things about her children. It blessed me so much to see how much she loves, admires, and receives blessing from her own children! So often I hear parents talking about all of the negative things their children do, instead of calling out the positives. I'm sure that as a parent, it is very easy to just know the good things about your children and talk about the things that overwhelm you. I often wonder what impact that may have on the way that people actually view their children, though. I have seen this to be true in my friendships. It is easy to notice the bad and comment on it. It is, for some reason, less easy to notice the good and comment on it. When I spend time thinking about all of the things that drive me crazy about my friends, I walk away feeling very torn down and not confident in that relationship. When I take time to think about all of the ways that my friendships bless me, I walk away feeling loved and special and very blessed to have them in my life!

2009-01-28T21:18:00.000-06:00

25 Things About Me

I decided to take the challenge given to me several months ago by a friend on Facebook and write out 25 things about myself. I was going to do it then, but I got side-tracked and seemed to forget to come back to it. I saw a couple of them in the last day and remembered my attempt-gone-awry. After starting this, I logged into my FB account and there was another challenge for me to do this. Good thing I did it. Now I can just copy it over.

1. I love the Lord my God with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength. The more I get to know Him, the more I love Him and the more I want to know Him!

2. I have a thing about oral hygiene. I brush my teeth a lot, carry dental floss with me, and can produce two options of toothpaste on queue.

3. There is always music in my head. It doesn't stop!

4. I have two sisters who are both married to wonderful men. I love my sisters and my brothers-in-law.

5. I used to match my clothes to hangers of the same (or similar) color and then hang them all in order from lights to darks, short sleeved shirts to long sleeved, skirts, slacks, dress shirts (short then long), then dresses. Now I have a really small closet and I have to smush everything in, so it goes long sleeved on the the left with dress shirts and short sleeved shirts on the right with skirts, slacks, and dresses. I no longer match my clothes to the hangers - it's first come first serve (most of the time.)

6. I love butterflies! They make me smile, laugh, and sometimes cry. They mean a lot to me and are beautiful!

7. I love projecty things - this weekend I am going to make lip balm!

8. I have 3 cats and they mean the world to me! They are my babies! Their names are Noelle, Cinnamon, and Truffle.

9. I don't like to take time to fix my hair because it is so soft and fine that it falls within 15 minutes of fixing it. I would rather just pull it back and look like a slob.

10. I like to use organic products. It makes me feel like I am making healthier choices and also contributing somehow to the bigger picture.

11. If it isn't convenient, I don't recycle. I do recycle most things at home, though. I also reuse things well.

12. I have a lot of food hang-ups. If you are going to go out to eat with me, just sit back for the ride. If you ask "why" too many times, you will be overwhelmed with my answers and it will discourage you from eating out with me in the future. Just trust that I know why I am asking for my salad with no dressing, the chicken to be prepared with no seasoning, and any sauces to be served on the side!

13. I love to play with children! I love how they laugh at themselves when they do something silly and how they just freely give affection! They are not tainted or inhibited. I truly believe that one of the ways to be closest to the presence of God on earth is to spend time with children! They are great!

14. I like to sleep in on Saturdays and stay in my pajamas all day long!

15. I am comfortable being alone. I am grateful for that because I haven't always been.

16. I am very sentimental. I hold onto seemingly insignificant things, because they mean something special to me!

17. I dream of one day having a yellow house with a vegetable garden.

18. If I could meet one person that has passed away, it would be my great grandfather; Papa Cogburn. I have heard a lot of really neat things about him and I think it would be great to get to spend some time with him.

19. I wrestle with fear - many different fears. My greatest one is probably that I will not live up to the full potential that God created me for!

20. When I was in the 5th grade I tried to change my name from MelonieLynn to Lynn because I wanted to simplify my name. My teacher wouldn't let me without a note from home saying that my parents would let me go by that name. In middle school I changed my name to Lynn just to prove that I could. (It didn't hurt that one of my friends was Melanie McB* and it made it easier for our teachers if I went by Lynn.)

21. I pray now that if I ever have children they don't have my streak of rebellion! I just don't know how I would handle it!

22. Overall, I consider myself to be a very blessed person and I am optimistic about my future!

23. I live with a family that I love very much! They are wonderful people and I can't imagine my life without them, now that they are in it!

24. I love to eat pancakes for dinner.

25. One of my favorite things to do is pray for my friends! I love to pray for blessings to fall on them and for them to receive dreams and visions of what the Lord has for them!

2009-01-27T09:26:00.001-06:00

Where did the Week Go?

I realized this morning that I haven't posted in a week. The past week has been filled with many activities...going to court, extra baby-sitting for the family I live with while Gary is in Africa, resting to get over the nasty sinus infection I have been fighting, running in many directions to keep up with the numerous activities and tasks that I am involved in. This past week just seems to have gotten away from me! Here it is, Tuesday morning and I feel like it should be (last) Friday! Where did the weekend go? I don't really remember it!

This week is my week for sharing my testimony. It is going to be on Thursday. I am mostly ready. I am still a little nervous! Prayers would be appreciated! I don't know why, but it is a little scary for me to share. It is also exciting - but definitely scary. What I do know is that God has done some pretty cool things in my life and I want that to come out! I want my gratitude for His mercy to show! I am still awed - to the point that I stop breathing for a couple of seconds and then finally just take in a really really deep breath - when I think about where I have been and how God stepped in and rescued me! My fingers get this tingling sensation that somehow finds its way up my arms and I remember how I am alive and it is because of God! I can't wait to share that! It can just be difficult to be vulnerable.

2009-01-20T17:48:00.000-06:00

Where did the year go?

I thought I would reflect on the last year - both the good and the bad and write out some of the things that happened.

January 2008: We had a couple of ice days in the city I live in and I couldn't get out of my neighborhood. My mother stayed at my place with me so I wouldn't have to be alone and bored. We played games and made a roast and drank lots of hot cocoa and hot tea. When we finally had to leave, we had to de-ice the cars. We don't live in a place that gets much snow or ice, so we don't really have to proper clothing or equipment. We laid out cardboard boxes to keep from sliding around too much and scraped the cars down. When we were finally done, our shoes were soaked through. We brought them inside and put them on the open oven door and let them cook dry while we played another game. It was a good memory!

February 2008: I had my 29th birthday with a really fun party! It was a girls-only party and no kids were there (except for a newborn baby who as of this week is living in Africa)! We had lasagna and an amazing salad that two of my friends made and a beautiful and yummy birthday cake. I had a wonderful time hanging out with the women that I love so much and that love me. One of the best parts is that my mother and both of my sisters got to come, too! I left that night feeling really blessed to have so many amazing women in my life!

March 2008: I started sensing transition, but wasn't sure what it would be. Things were pretty difficult financially and emotionally. I found out that I was having some kidney failure from the medication I was on for RA and had to change medication. Fortunately, my doctor caught this quickly and there was no permanent damage to my kidneys!

April 2008: Not only the sense of transition was on me, but the desire. I started praying about different areas of my life that could change and asking for willingness to make the decisions I needed. I got my spare bedroom cleaned and organized to the point that it was almost empty, except for my sewing stuff and the bed that was in it. My sister, Shawna, and I started restoring the bed that was in the spare room - I didn't know at the time that it was going to become MY bed! I really felt like to word the Lord had for me in this time was "restoration". I am still seeking more understanding of that, however I also feel like the Lord has brought a lot!

May 2008: The Blairs (the family I live with), asked me to move in with them sometime in the summer. Immediately a weight lifted from me and I felt like the Lord had created the window for both transition and restoration that He had been speaking to me. I started throwing stuff out that I didn't need, making plans for the things I wanted to take, and my heart was just ready to "let go" of all of the other stuff (furniture, clothing, dishes, etc.) that I had been carting around with me for the last many years. I started feeling freedom from things!

June 2008: As I was getting ready to move, I was very excited! I was even getting to help plan and decorate my new room while they were building it! But, every once in a while I just got overwhelmed with all of the things I was leaving. I started feeling a battle of the power of stuff! This month was also the time that one of my best friends decided she was going to move to California to go to school. I was very happy for her, knowing that it would be an amazing opportunity. I was sad for me! I didn't want her to leave! There was more transition happening than I was comfortable with, but I was reminded that the Lord had been preparing me.

July 2008: I packed up, I moved in, I slooooowly unpacked! Even with everything I gave away and threw away, I still had TOO much stuff to fit in one room! Transitioning was a lot harder than I expected! It had been a long time since I had lived with a roommate or family - and the relationship was very different! I was in this weird place of not knowing my place in the home. I didn't know what I was supposed to ask about vs. just doing. I didn't know if I was supposed to let them know where I was going to be or when I was going to be home. I didn't know what their expectations of me were in helping with their children. It was just hard. That was really the only word I had in my vocabulary for about 2-3 months that could define what it was like. It didn't mean it was bad - it just meant it wasn't easy and it wasn't comfortable! I was very grateful to be here, I just didn't really feel like I was "in" yet. In July, I also had my 3 year anniversary at work.

August 2008: I was still transitioning at home. I had a set-back with my RA and I started feeling very alone. Even though I have wonderful friends, many of which deal with illness or other very challenging life situations, none have RA. I started really feeling like none of them understand the fear, anxiety, or sadness that I experience when I think about this disease and what it has done and has the potential to do. I lost about 2 weeks of my life to being depressed and moping and then decided I needed to find a better outlet.

September 2008: As I said, I decided I needed to find a better outlet. I joined an online support resource. Later in the month, I started my blog. Sometimes it feels like I just started this a month ago and other times it feels like I have been blogging forever! I am very glad that I started it, though! I am excited to see where I go with it in the future! I also received a prophetic word in September that I am still praying about, but it has definitely had an impact on me.

October 2008: I started really feeling like I was a valued part of my small group. I started really looking forward to going and wanting to be prepared and ready to share and listen. I started feeling like it was a group of people that I had a stake in. This was also the month that my church had a really difficult event happen. For a while we were fearful that many people may leave because they were unhappy about something. With a lot of prayer, good leadership, and most importantly - God, we were able to get through it very well. I think our church got to experience healthy conflict and confrontation through humility, forgiveness, and grace! I think we are stronger, not weaker, after going through it!

November 2008: I started finally feeling settled in the house. My room started feeling like my space - and it was a peaceful space! I started feeling like I was learning my place and role in the house a little better. Thanksgiving was a little different for me this year. I usually go to the panhandle to be with my family, but this year I stayed here. My mother and one of my sister's and her husband were here too, so we did Thanksgiving together. It was very enjoyable!

December 2008: Everyone is preparing for Christmas. It seemed that everyone around me, including myself was more "on edge" than normal! This time of year really stresses me out! I think that for the most part we get so consumed with everything surrounding Christmas that we totally lose sight of what Christmas is supposed to be about. One thing that I did enjoy was celebrating Advent with the family I live with. On nights that we were all here, we would gather in the living room with all of the lights off. Each one of us had a candle burning. We would go around and each person got to choose a Christmas song to sing. We would start and end with a prayer and then everyone would blow out their candles. It was really neat to me! I have never done that. I think I have a new Christmas (Advent) tradition. I even did it when they were gone traveling. I would light their candles and then pray for each one of them before blowing that person's candle out. In December, additional progression of the RA was diagnosed - I was really disappointed! Christmas, itself was a great day with my family. It did not end great, however! I lost my temper and ended up being left to apologize and plea for mercy. It was probably my least gracious moment and started me into one of the most intense seasons of prayer that I think I have ever been in! It was amazing to me how quick God was to come when I cried out for Him! I still feel humbled when I think about it! Great is the love of the King of our souls!

January 2009: I brought in the New Year at the local House of Prayer. While I was there, I received prayer for healing from the physical pain I have been experiencing (specifically with my hands). The following Friday I received more prayer for healing from pain in my hands. I am ecstatic to say that healing has begun in my hands! I have had significantly less pain in my hands and a lot less inflammation! I promise it is not in my head - my jewelry will prove it! On New Years eve, while I was being prayed for, one of the girls had a vision of me laying on my bed and sleeping peacefully. The thought of sleeping peacefully was overwhelming to me, because I frequently wake many times in the night from my joints getting stiff or painful. I try not to take pain medications for sleeping, because they leave me feeling groggy and depressed the next day. That night, before I left a friend prayed again specifically for me to sleep well. That night I slept for 12 hours, uninterrupted, without any medication! I believe it is the power of the Spirit and healing that allowed that! I continue to feel a sense of transition and excitement. I have been in a very deep time of prayer and seeking God and I feel very blessed by it! I have great hope and expectation for the upcoming year!

There is a run-down of the last year. I wonder what all will happen this year?

2009-01-18T18:24:00.000-06:00

My Voice

Sometimes I find it hard to find my voice when writing. It isn't that I have nothing to say; it's quite the contrary. I have a lot to say and I just don't know how to possibly write it all. The last few weeks I have been experiencing this. So, I decided to start small by writing something. When I was in my creative writing class, we did an exercise where we wrote a list of whatever words came in one minute. I thought this might be interesting...let's see what happens!

turnip
flower
prayer
gone
travel
fear
tantrum
grace
love
peace
angel
American
stove
paper
song
story
odd
off
canary
topic
connected?
holy
stomping
flame
honour
honest
gentle
kind
blank
thought
thinking
stomach
hunger
tame
lion
soft
light
glitter
floam
butterfly
broken
sad
re-metamorphoses
good
dance
retreat
two
change
aspire
city
bridge
flow
TIME

What does it all mean? Here's the explanation.

My first thought was a turnip. I then thought of the plant flowering and how that can relate to prayer. The fruit that comes from an effort. Then it was gone and I thought of travel and how sometimes I am fearful of travel. Sometimes I respond to fear by throwing tantrums. God responds with grace and love and peace and his angels are present. Then I thought, "wouldn't it be great to have more grace, love, peace, and angels present in American lives?" Something was cooking on the stove and smelled like paper. I looked back at the computer screen as my "paper". Then I heard a song playing in the background. I started wondering if there may be a story in the making. Then I thought, "this is a pretty odd list." When I started writing odd, I accidentally wrote "off". I erased it and wrote odd, followed by off. For some reason a yellow canary popped into my head and I just wrote canary. I thought, "that's off topic." I had already written off, so I wrote topic. Then I wondered, "is canary connected in any way to anything else I have thought of?" The song playing in the background had the word holy and it stuck. A child went stomping by. Then I thought of Holy flame and stomping out a flame. A moment later, I thought of honouring one's parents - when I thought of honour, I also thought of gentle and kind. Then, my mind went blank for a moment. I thought. I was thinking. My stomach growled. I am hungry. I need to tame my hunger. A lion also gets tamed. They are soft and I saw the light glittering through a mane. Today I was playing with some floam that had glitter in it. I made a butterfly. It got broken and I was sad. I was with a friend and I started teasing about re-metamorphoses. It was good. I enjoyed the conversation! Dancing is also good. There was dancing at the retreat I was on. There was dancing at the last two retreats I have been on. It has changed me. I aspire to change more. I also aspire to see great things for my city. I have visions of bridges for my city. Bridges that allow the Spirit to flow. The timer went off.

2009-01-13T20:52:00.000-06:00

The Questions

My friend, Cortney, asked a few questions of me to answer and post on my blog. Here are the answers.

1. If you could live anywhere in the world but you could never leave, where would it be?
That's a really hard question. I think that I would probably stay right where I live right now. Maybe I would choose for a few things to be different, but for the most part I love where I live! I love the city I live in and I believe I was called here for a purpose. I wouldn't want to leave until that purpose is accomplished!

2. What was your favorite toy as a kid?
My favorite toy when I was little was my "Sit 'N Spin" It was blue and I would play on it for hours! It went in the sand box, on the grass next to the sand box, next to the swimming pool, on the trampoline (that was an interesting one). I played with it until I had wayyyy outgrown it and my parents finally took it away and got rid of it when I was not looking! I loved how I had to work pretty hard to get going, but ahhhh the thrill of the dizziness that ensued when I actually got up to speed! I saw one of these amazing little toys at a friends house not that long ago - she got it for her son. They don't seem to be as sturdy as they used to, but they still look like fun!

3. Who has made the most impact on your life?
There are a lot of people that have made a big impact on me. I think that one of those people is my friend, Olivia. She has walked through some very difficult things and has been able to turn her circumstances over to God. Her story has been one of pain and surrender and redemption; understanding that we will never be able to understand some things in life but that God is still good and still sovereign. I know this has not been easy for her - and is more difficult at some times than others. In fact, seeing how she has walked through some things in her life has really been an inspiration and encouragement to me in walking through some of the tough times in mine.

4. What are you most proud of?
This is not a question that I contemplate too often, so it has been one of the more difficult ones to answer. I think that the thing I am most proud of is that I treasure my friendships and relationships above being right. I know that I am often wrong and that even when I feel I am right, other's may have a very valid opinion that differs from mine. I think this is something that has grown and changed over time, but that I have seen a lot of value in.

5. What are your top 3 favorite CDs?
This is REALLY hard! I have a song for every occasion, so to narrow down my top 3 CDs is like asking me to restrict my breathing to one breath a minute for the rest of the day. OK - maybe it isn't that drastic, but you get the point! I would have to say 1) Misty Edwards, Relentless 2) Third Day, Offerings 3) Delirious, Access: d (You can find some of my favorites on these CDs, but this is by no means a complete list! You can also get a good idea by listening to my playlist on my blog.)

Now that you know more about me, let me know if you want me to send you some questions!
Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me." I will respond by sending you five questions that I pick out for you. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. At the end, include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will get to ask them five questions.

2009-01-09T10:49:00.000-06:00

Loss

I don't know that words even begin to describe the feeling. There is a piece of me that feels broken and emptied out. I feel as though everything around me that keeps going is a mockery to the emptiness inside of me. I trust in God, but that doesn't mean I understand everything that happens or am ok with it. Loss hurts and often seems unjustified. It feels very wrong!

Still I cry out, be still my soul. Rest in the hands of God, your maker. Know that He is sovereign. He is good. He is in control! He knows pain and loss more closely that I. He is close to the broken-hearted. He is near! Spirit, be my comfort! Draw me under your wing, great God! Blow your gentle breath upon me and give me what I need. You, God, are the lover of my soul. I rest in you!

2009-01-05T09:14:00.000-06:00

Amazed

I never stop being amazed at what God is capable of. I don't begin to understand when or why or how He moves and maybe the mystery is part of the amazement.

2009-01-01T01:01:00.000-06:00

The Rest of the Day

In relation to my earlier post, I haven't had a chance to even look up the directions on how to include an MP3 in a post. Since it is now officially tomorrow, I am not worrying about getting it done today - it will happen when it happens!

Right after I posted, I got a call from a friend and left as soon as I got my stuff together. She is 32 weeks pregnant and because of bleeding, has been ordered onto bedrest for the second time in this pregnancy. I stopped by the market to get dinner for her family and then went over to keep her company for a little bit and to pray for her and her unborn daughter, Willow. I was honored to have the opportunity to pray for them and to speak blessings into Willow, before she has even been born. I just wish that it wasn't stimulated by concern!

After spending some time with her and her family, I left and went to our local House of Prayer for worship and prayer for the city. It was great! The worship was amazing, the teaching was great, and the prayer time was truly inspired! God never ceases to amaze me. Even when I am angry at Him and tossing around huge questions, He is close!

It is late - or early- and I need to go to bed. God, thank you for being close to the broken-hearted. You know all of the events, the ups and the downs of the past week and I thank you that you are close! Continue to speak your blessing and understanding and help me to keep my eyes on you. You are the source of my affection!

2008-12-31T13:54:00.000-06:00

Like A Rushing River

It seems the last couple of weeks have been filled with valleys and mountains, one right after the other. I am tired! I feel like one minute I am crying out and asking God "why" and the next I am shouting out and rejoicing. I feel very worn out and fatigued, but I also still feel like I am grieving and mourning even when I am happy about something unrelated. It has just been weird! Through all of it, I seem to have been drawn to one particular song, "Like A Rushing River" by Misty Edwards. It seems to say what I can not. So, I thought I would share it. It is very long (about 10 minutes playing) but well worth listening to, in my opinion. Below are the words and once I figure out how, I will attach my MP3. It may just take a little while to decipher blogger directions.

Like a Rushing River
Misty Edwards

Like a rushing river am I
Like a raging torrent inside
I find that I’m full of knowing nothing
I find that I’m hungry for the fullness of Christ
Like a rushing river am I
Like a raging torrent inside
I find that I’m free falling again
I’m letting go of the mountain view
Letting go but wanting to
(repeat)

I’ve been crucified with Christ
I’ve been crucified with Christ
I’ve been crucified with Christ
Yet not I, for one thing I know

You make all things beautiful
You make all things beautiful
You make all things beautiful
Just in time
And just in time
You make all things beautiful
You make all things beautiful
You make all things beautiful
Just in time
It’s just a matter of time, time
It’s just a matter of time

So into your hands, into your hands I fall
Into your hands, into your hands I fall
Into your hands, so into your hands I fall

For you will make all things beautiful
You make all things beautiful
You make all things beautiful
Just in time
It’s just a matter of time, time, time
It’s just a matter of time, time, time

On you I wait
On you I wait
On you I wait, all of my days!
On you I wait
On you I wait, always
On you I wait, all of my days!
All of my days!

No one who waits on you will ever be ashamed
No one who waits will ever be disappointed
It’s just a matter of time
It’s just a matter of time
It’s just a matter of time

So calm down my soul
Calm down and know
Calm down my soul
Calm down and know
His yoke is easy
His burden is light
Is simply cost everything
But He’s not too mysterious

It’s not for the wise in their own eyes
It’s not for the mighty or the rich
But He has saved himself for me
He has saved himself for me

So calm down my soul
Just calm down and know
Just calm down my soul
Calm down and know
No one who waits on the Lord will ever be ashamed
For wisdom will be justified
In just a matter of time, time, time
It’s just a matter of time, time, time

And you will make all things beautiful
You will make all things beautiful
You will make all things beautiful
Just in time
It’s just a matter of time
It’s just a matter of time

Calm down my soul
Be quiet within me
And put your trust in God

From where your help comes from
From where your help comes from
Just calm down my soul and wait
It’s just a matter of time
It’s just a matter of time

2008-12-21T11:21:00.000-06:00

A Wonderful Night

I had my Christmas party last night. It was so much fun for me! I was exhausted by the time people got here, from cleaning and cooking and getting everything ready. But, the excitement overcame and I had a blast! We had dinner together and then played games. Then we did a gift exchange and played more games. After everyone else left, my sister stayed and we hung out and talked until 5:00 in the morning! I can't believe it! It was such a wonderful night! I just feel very blessed right now!

2008-12-20T00:14:00.000-06:00

A Little Disappointed

Today I had a doctor's appointment for a check up with my rheumatologist. I have been experiencing more pain and fatigue lately, so I knew it was likely that there may be some changes in my medications. The exam and tests confirmed that there is further progression of the RA and that the current immune therapy that I am on is not sufficient. I will continue taking the same medication, but will now have to give myself injections weekly instead of every other week. I will keep taking anti-inflammatories and cortisone for inflammation and pain management.

After I left the doctor, I just started crying in my car. I am not mad at God right now, but I am disappointed! I just don't understand! I wish I had a greater understanding of what God sees and what His plans for me are!

God, please be the comfort and understanding that I need right now! Please speak to the places in my heart that seem to be like roaring ocean waves in a storm. Spirit speak. "Peace, be still." I know Jesus, that you bore everything and you are no stranger to the pain, discontentment, or fear that I have. I also trust that in you, all things are made perfect. Please teach me what I need and continue to refine me more and more into your image. Lord, in all things I will praise your name! Let me know you and love you more and more!

On a very happy note, I am excited because I am having a Christmas party tomorrow night. I can hardly wait! I have a lot to do to get ready still, but I am just so excited to be able to have my friends come over! I love having friends over and being a hostess!

2008-12-06T19:42:00.001-06:00

What's In A Story?

I have several posts it "edit" mode. I think I may be feeling a little less than certain of my writing abilities these days. I'm not sure why, but I am just having a hard time letting go of my words. So right now, I am promising myself that I am going to complete this post and publish it...even if I don't think the words made their way onto the notepad in the perfect order!

I mentioned quite some time ago that I felt God was prodding me to spend some time preparing my testimony. I have had this sense of urgency on needing to have an account ready of how my relationship with God started and has developed. I think it is important for all of us. But this was something that I felt I needed to spend some time really focusing on and seeking how to put it all in order and getting comfortable telling people about. I think that was a big part of it! I need to feel comfortable - unashamed, humble, honest!

These are qualities that are important to me. The thing is, my "story" is full of places of shame - things that I generally feel safer hiding (or hiding from) and when I start sharing my testimony I get very uncomfortable sharing a lot of these places. A lot of it is that I am afraid of what people will think. I've said before that I don't think the point of telling a testimony is to unload every event in one's life, but rather to point to Jesus in that individual; to answer the question of who He is to that person, how that relationship came into existence, and how the individual has been impacted by that relationship. I think something people often struggle with in delivering a testimony is how to answer these questions without providing all of the details of their life. I also think that some of the most powerful testimonies I have heard are those where the person speaking is honest about the places God has redeemed or is in the process of redeeming in them. This is what I want to be able to do - without leaving people thinking I am screwed up!

So, I decided a few months ago that this was important and I needed to work on it. Then, in September my small group leaders said that around January they would like to have everyone give their testimony so that we could get to know each other a little better and see some of what God has done and is doing in the lives of our group members. We all agreed this would be a good thing, but didn't talk much more about it until recently. I worked on preparing my story, but figured it would be a while before I really shared it with anyone.

A couple of weeks ago I was on a ladies retreat with my church and it was amazing - throughout the weekend, I had many opportunities to speak with women and very naturally deliver pieces of who I am. I realized after the weekend was over, as I was reflecting back, that in the duration of one weekend and about 10 conversations I had almost completely delivered my testimony. It was SO awesome to me to see how God had prepared me for that time!

Not everything came out as perfect as I would like it, but then again we are talking about me...very little ever measures up to my expectations! It is one of my great flaws - I am a perfectionist! The fact is, it came out. And it happened in unexpected and natural ways. Now I have to put it all together and figure out what to keep in and take out for delivering it to my small group. We actually started sharing this week, but I am not sharing for a while. I think it will be in February. What would be really cool is if it ended up being March and it could be right around my 10 year anniversary of when I gave my life over to Christ! Wouldn't that be cool!?

2008-11-29T09:09:00.001-06:00

A Great Awakening

The challenges of living with 5 other people have already begun this morning. It is only ten after nine. I woke up this morning to the sound of a toy accordian - which is a miniature version of a real one and is really LOUD! At one point, I could hear the makings of a rudimentary version of "Happy Birthday". In addition to the accordian playing, Aliya and Kase were screaming at each other. It went something like this:
(overlying squealing of the accordian playing)
Aliya: Stop Kase (pronounced "Tase" by Aliya)
Kase: No! Aliya noooooo (in a whining 5 yr old boy voice)
(more accordian playing
Aliya: Stop now Kase. STO-O-O-O-OP.
Kase: No, Aliya. Aliya noooooo
(a little more accordian playing)
You get the idea - basically not what you want to wake up to! Oh, and the accordian playing was at 8:20am and it was Gary (the dad) playing it right next to the wall my bedroom shares with the dining room. Needless to say, I was a little ticked off! I turned up my sound machine and tried to drown out the noise. It didn't help. I covered my head with my pillow. No help there! I decided that the battle was lost and got up.

I emerged from my dark cave into the brightness of rooms with all of the lights on - and a bunch of sound! The TV on very loudly - one child watches. The accordian playing loudly - another child watches. The third child was just running wildly through the house. They were having fun! Shouldn't that make me happy? Not at 8:35 on a Saturday morning! I looked at Gary with my annoyed-sleepy face and proclaimed, "That thing is really annoying when people are sleeping!" He says, "Oh - with a small giggle." I proceeded to the bathroom to finish waking up and adjust to the fact that I would not be sleeping in. A few minutes later, I emerged from the bathroom, ready to start my day.

I went into the kitchen to make breakfast. There lay an open bag of rolls - the ones my mother made for Thanksgiving and sent me home with. The bag was almost empty. There are two left. The bag was full. I put them on my side of the counter under the sign that says "Lynn's Produce". (yes, I know bread is not produce, but there is only enough space in the bread basket for one loaf - which is already there.) I didn't put my name on it, because I thought the fact that it was on my side, under my sign would be enough. I was wrong! Realizing my error, I put my name on the bag. Gary walked into the kitchen a little later and I asked him (very politely - dispite the earlier annoyance of the accordian playing) to please not eat the last ones because those are mine that my mom made and I would like to have them. He explained why he didn't know they were mine. I think he was left a little ticked off at me. He probably thinks - the girl has been awake for 30 minutes and already I have done two things to make her mad. I'm not mad though - eating the bread was an honest mistake. I am still a little irritated at how I got woken up, though.

I guess those are just some of the things that come with living with other people. A plus...coffee was ready! I just poured a cup of hot coffee while I was making my toast. If I was living alone, I would have had to make it first. I really do appreciate the coffee - it is the little things in life!

2008-11-20T14:20:00.000-06:00

My Hamster is Ready to Rest!

Do you ever have those moments when there are so many thoughts in your head it feels like you can't even complete one before the others start up? I know I'm not the only one that is plagued by this phenomena that I frequently call "hamster overload". Lately I have been experiencing hamster overload on a far too regular basis. My brain (aka: hamster) just needs a break!

This weekend I am going on a retreat. It is our annual Ladies Retreat with my church. I will not be alone - far from it in fact- but I hope that during this time away from the day-to-day of standard life that I will be able to calm my mind and Spirit a bit and become a little less overloaded! I am looking forward to it! I even borrowed a camera from a friend. Maybe I will have pictures to share next week, along with all of the lessons I am left to ponder for the next year.

What I know for now is that I am leaving work and I don't have to be back until Tuesday. Boy is my hamster happy!

2008-11-11T22:02:00.000-06:00

Writer's Block or Heart Block?

I have had a little bit of writer's block lately. I am not quite sure that is the right phrase. Maybe it is more like heart block. I have had a lot of things to say, they just don't quite come out in full. They start, but then there is this welling pang inside of me and whatever started quickly ceases it's existence.

Don't bother asking the question "why" because the answer is going to be some vague response that boils down to "I just don't know." There has been a lot of joy and a lot of sorrow and a lot of looking backward and forward going on in the last week or so. I think it has just left a puddle of muddle! Here are a few of the things that have been stirring in my heart.

I have been adjusting to this new phase of RA. I haven't been feeling well. I have had more pain and have not been sleeping well. I think part of it may be progression of the disease (which is not a surprise) and part of it may just be related to weather changes - getting cooler, rain, etc. Whatever it is, I don't think I have been coping as well as I would like to. I praise God and pray and ask Him to teach me to pray, but still I am just not satisfied. I am not sure that is a bad thing, though.

I have also been working on putting together my testimony, which has caused me to look back at a lot of places that I have been - which have at times been pretty messy. The flip side of that is the amazing mercy with which God has taken me from and brought me to. That in and of itself has the power to leave me overcome with emotion; so overcome in fact that I don't even know how to express it!

There is also the issue with my church body that I brought up a couple of weeks ago. There is still pain and still brokenness. There is recovery in process, too! Some people have chosen to leave. Some people have chosen to stay, but have shown sides of themselves that will be very hard to forget - even as forgiveness occurs. I guess that is part of "family" life - at some point you are going to see things that leave a bitter taste in your mouth, but you are still family and you just have to work through it! I still believe that God is doing something amazing for His Kingdom in the city I live in through this church and this is a time of preparation and strengthening for the fires that are to come. It brings comfort to trust that God's hand is over this - it doesn't make it any less painful. As I said, we are in recovery. We have had some amazing progress in the last couple of weeks, but time will be needed. I really think that we are and will be stronger because of adversity - but only if we remember to keep our eyes on Christ!

Then, on the amazingly joy-filled; nothing can get me down side of things there is this. I have a friend who has an amazing life-story. She has gone through a lot of trial; primarily related to an illness. She has chosen to put it in the hands of God. She gives Him the glory through everything - the good and the bad. Her story is one that has a lot of pain and grief. After much waiting and pleading before the throne of God, she is finally getting a baby! This is a baby that she has longed for and finally she is getting her! I couldn't be happier for her! I want to laugh and dance and cry and praise God with everything that is in me! I am just so overwhelmed by the faithfulness and love of God! And, I am so happy that my friend is finally getting what she has longed for. It just feels so right!

I think I am going to leave it there for now. That seems like a good place to stop. I may come back and write more later, but for now this is enough.

2008-11-04T13:47:00.000-06:00

Comments

I need comments! Good? Bad? Mediocre? It doesn't matter to me what they are. I would just like some feedback to let me know that people are out there. So after you read my thoughts, take a moment to share a few of yours with me! Thank you, in advance!

2008-11-02T15:30:00.001-06:00

Transparency

One of my goals in having this blog is to grow in transparency. Transparency is not something that I have traditionally done well. Like many people, I don't like to be vulnerable and being transparent makes one pretty vulnerable. One of the things I have noted is that the people in my life who are transparent are also pretty humble. I am not. I pray, however, to become more humble. Maybe there's a connection between humility and transparency!

Why is it that humility is so hard? Why is it so hard to admit when I don't know how to do something? Why can't I just say that I don't always have the answer? And why is the basic art of honesty so difficult? If someone asks me how I am doing and the true answer is not that great, why can't I just say that? Why do I have to come up with some positive spin on the truth? Do I really think that everything in life has to be good all the time or is it that I don't want to expose that everything in my life is not always perfect?

Sure there are boundaries. I am not suggesting that every person I meet wants to know all of the inner workings of my heart. But, I know when I ask someone how they are doing I want to know the real anwer and I get offended if I think they are not being honest with me when they answer. So why do I do the exact same thing? What would happen if I started telling people "I am ___ today." (fill in the blank with sad, happy, angry, hurting, etc.) Some people may walk away because they don't know how to respond. Others may start talking about how they have really been feeling. Maybe if I could be more transparent about a little thing like how I am doing, there would actually be a sense of freedom that is ushered in. Maybe.

So, what brought up the topic of transparency? I haven't been feeling well this week. I have been more tired lately and my pain level has been higher than normal. I have asked a few people this week to be praying for me, but as a whole, I have not been very good about letting people know where I am or why. I think a lot of the time that people get just as tired of me not feeling well as I am of not feeling well...probably for very different reasons, though. So, I stop telling them what is going on. The problem with that is that then I am trying to do things on my own and I am not living a transparent life. How do I rectify this? I am not really sure what the answer is. I am just brain-storming; thinking on paper. I don't really know what this is supposed to look like, so I don't know how to get there! What I do know is that I don't have all of the answers and I don't know how to do this well. I am committed to doing it to the best that I know how, but I need help! I need help from the people in my life. And more than anything, I need help from my King of Kings! I will keep my eyes fixed on the cross!

2008-10-30T10:45:00.000-05:00

Just a quick reality check:

I keep thinking that I want to sit down and focus on writing or reading or worshiping or just being still. But everytime I start I get distracted by something. Isn't that the way life is? You find something that draws you closer to God and helps you to find some form of sanity within, and then when you start to do that something there is a barrier in place. I have been ammending my theology on this a little lately. I used to think "It's all Satan's fault! He is just waiting for that one single moment to interupt my focus." I think he probably has something to do with it...sometimes. But I also have to share the blame! After all, I make a lot of choices that put me in the position of distraction! Here is a good question for me to ask myself. "How often do I do the work of Satan and his minions by just keeping myself from doing the things that God would have me do?"

2008-10-25T12:53:00.000-05:00

A Dilemma

I am faced with a dilemma. Some may think this is stupid, but I do not. It is difficult for me to write about this, for fear of judgment and rejection. I cannot be afraid of that, though. As I have been writing lately, my eyes must be focused on Christ and not man. That means that the only opinion I really need to fear is that of God and not of other people.

Every October, I find myself facing the same challenge and dilemma. It is about the last day of the month. There is a holiday that we celebrate, called Halloween. Around the time that I really started following Christ, I started feeling that participating in activities surrounding Halloween was wrong. I have been pretty firm in that, with few exceptions being made. When I have decided to participate, I feel like I have compromised what I believe in. I felt I was turning on a conviction that I have, for the sake of convenience. I believe, however, that the Lord has made it clear that the activities surrounding this day are not ones that honor Him.

Some of you are probably asking, "What is the big deal?"

Halloween (also called All Hallows Eve) is one of the four major days set aside for pagan and Wicca rituals to take place on. This day was established under the guise that on this day the spirits of the dead (all former living creatures, not just humans) were able to come back and wander freely. There were ceremonies and acts of appeasement that took place. How can we, as Christians, participate in activities that celebrate this day with a clear conscience? All of the little things that we do around Halloween have symbolism rooted in evil. Some may think I am being extreme. Look it up. Here are a few of the symbols and their meanings:

*Bon fire: means “fire of bones”; a pile of bones from sacrificed animals and sometimes humans were set on fire to burn as the primary source of light.
*Bobbing for Apples: honor Pomona, a pagan Goddess of fruit. It is also seen as a sign of good fortune to get a bite out of an apple.
*Dressing up in scary costumes: People would dress to blend in with the spirits of the dead, so they would not be distinguished
*Trick or Treat: People would offer treats to appease the spirits of the dead that were freely roaming on All Hallows Eve.
*Jack-O-Lantern: The ancient symbol for the damned soul – this was originally done on turnips or beets and when this holiday started being celebrated in the US, pumpkins were used.
*Bats, owls, and nocturnal beings: Used because they were originally thought to frighten the evil spirits that were freely roaming; black cats were believed to be reincarnated beings able to divine the future. They are also often believed to be witches in disguise.

When I think about all of the things we do around this day and where they stem from, it makes me ask some questions. What does God think about all of this? Where is the Glory for Him? What are we, as Christians, doing to be set apart? If we participate in these activities, even with the understanding that we are only doing it for fun or for evangelism, how is the world supposed to know that we believe in something so much greater? This is where the dilemma comes in!

There are so many activities that take place in Christian circles, still doing the same things the same way that the rest of the world does. They are just done with the claim that they are "evangelical outreaches". It is wonderful that activities take place with the intention of sharing the gospel and letting people know that Christ is our one true savior. But how can I in good conscious dress up, bob for apples, and carve pumpkins, and then tell someone that Christ is the lover of their soul and He wants to transform them! How am I living a transformed life in that instance?

It's hard for me because I believe we have to meet people where they are. I also believe that apart from Christ, there is nothing in me that makes me any better than those who don't know Him. I don't want to stand out, as if I am saying "I think I am better than you or more holy than you because I don't participate in these things." I am not. I also wonder if I am closing the door on evangelism by not participating.

I guess my last question is what does it really mean to be set apart?

Pray for me as I seek God in this and decide how I am going to respond to this year’s challenges.

2008-10-23T10:25:00.001-05:00

Hope

We had a meeting at church last night. I honestly don't think it could have gone much better. I believe there is Hope for my church! I believe that if we keep our eyes focused on the cross, God is going to bring such beauty in the wake of what we see as destruction! But doesn't He promise that? King David is recorded, saying, "His anger may last for a moment but His favor will last for a lifetime. Weeping may last through the night, but His joy comes in the morning." (Psalm 30:5)

For a year now, the Lord has been giving me different visions for my church. I am not unique in what I have been seeing. He has been showing me a shifting foundation. He has also been showing me broken bones being healed. I am reminding of a recurring vision that I have had in the sanctuary of my church. There is a broken bone that is healing incorrect. There is pain and the bone is causing deformity because it is not functioning the way it was intended to. It was never set, so that it would heal correct. God comes in and rebrakes the bone and sets it in place so that it will heal correct and be stronger than it was before. I remember sharing this vision with my prayer group. It resonated with them. We prayed about it and one of the prayers was that when God rebrakes our church that He would be merciful and quick. We prayed that healing would come quickly and that there would be as little pain as was necessary for God to do His work. We want God to come and set us straight! We want to be a people with eyes fixed on our Savior! We ask God to make the foundation right! Why then, are we surprised when it happens?

I think that we want God to make things right, we just don't want the pain that comes with it! I have been learning a lot about pain this past year. I have been learning how to not let the physical pain that I feel on a daily basis keep me from pursuing the will of God. I have been learning how to not let it stop me from living out my purpose. I don't think it is an easy lesson, but I do think that it is a merciful one! God is truly the God of mercy! I know that I can walk through pain and not be knocked down, as long as I keep my eyes on my True King!

This doesn't mean that I don't have questions or in circumstances hurt more than I think I can bear (and I mean hurt spiritually and emotionally as well as physically). That is when I have to hold even more firmly to the promises that God has made. I can listen to the promises that He has spoken to me, the promises spoken by Godly men and women, and most important I can listen to the promises that are in scripture. One of my favorites is 2 Corinthians 4:7-10.

"We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies."

I am reminded in this scripture that God is the only source of power I have. He is the only one I can rely on fully. And no matter what my circumstance is, He does not leave my side! God will never abandon me! It also reminds me that when I am suffering, people are watching. This is when God has an opportunity to reveal Himself not only to me, but also to others through me.

I continue to pray for my church family, that we will allow God to stir and move freely. That we would usher Him in and ask the Holy Spirit to fill the temple. That we would call on the hosts of heaven to come and be with us. That we can join in with the Saints to worship the God of heaven and earth! May your kingdom come and your will be done on earth as it is in heaven! Call a procession for the King of Kings and welcome Him in!

2008-10-22T12:29:00.000-05:00

Brokenness

God, why is it that growing closer to you requires brokenness? And why God, does brokenness hurt so much? Why does it cause people to scatter like a flock of sheep in a storm? God, I have just one more question. When will we get to see you, face to face?

My heart is hurting for my church family right now. We are in the fire and it hurts! People don't agree, as is very often the case! Some people are ready to quit, other's want to stay and fight, and still other's feel as thought their sense of trust has been broken. I'm sure that there are also plenty who are just confused and don't know why there is the weight of fear in the air.

Ultimately, I have to trust that God is sovereign and He will not relent! He will not stop fighting for what He has established and put in place. "What God has established, let no man separate." (Matthew 19:6) I know this scripture is talking about marriage, but I think it is very applicable.

If we truly desire for God's Kingdom to come and we really want to be more like Him, I am certain that comes at a price! We need to be set apart. We need to be willing to weather the storm and fight for what God has established! We cannot turn and bail boat just because we hurt or disagree. We MUST stand firm in the foundation of God and not man! When did we decide that we could take God off of His throne? When did we decide that we all had to agree and get along in order for God to be on His throne? No! We are a body; a family. We will not always agree on all things, but we must fall before the True King! We need to seek His face and ask for His forgiveness and blessing! We need to ask for the Holy Spirit to clothe us and help us to see people and circumstance through the eyes of Christ! We need to ask God to turn our hearts from judgment and self-righteousness to the righteousness of Him who created it all! God is Sovereign! He is in charge! He reigns! He will not relent! He will not let go! He loves His children too much to turn, and His plans are greater than our own!

God pour your blessings out over me! Put your Spirit as a covering for me, that I can be humble and see you clearly through the storm surrounding me! Let my face be fixed upon you! God, You are Most High! God, I return to my first love! Lord, bless my church family. Comfort the broken-hearted and heal the gaping wounds. You alone are our hope! Let our eyes be fixed on you God. Let us not look away! Let us trust your Sovereignty! Do not let the enemy shake us. Do not give him ground on the foundation that you have built! You are good, God. You are good and your love does not fade! Thank you, Father! Thank you!

Testimony

2008-10-18T14:45:00.000-05:00

A few years ago I was in a school of ministry, through my church. The name of it was the School of Spiritual Transformation. Our first assignment was to create a ministry timeline. It was to be used as a tool for writing a testimony; the story of how each of us came to know Christ and what has happened in that journey. It is also to help identify purpose and identity in Christ. We work from the understanding that we are all called and created with a purpose. What is that purpose? What are the plans of God for our lives?

This assignment was a challenge for me! At first, I thought that my timeline would not have very much in it. As I worked on it and prayed through it, I found things that occurred when I was a small child that have hugely impacted who I am today and what I believe my destiny to be. By the time I got to the end of the timeline, I had to go back and take things out to get it to a readable size.

What is my point in bringing this up? Well, I have been feeling urged lately to write out my testimony and have it prepared. I never know when I will be called upon to tell someone how it is that I came to love God with the passion and intimacy that is in my soul. Matthew 24 is an account of Jesus talking about the end times. In verse 14, He says, “And the Good News about the Kingdom will be preached throughout the whole world, so that all nations will hear it; and then the end will come.” I believe that we all need to have an account of the work of Christ in our life ready, so that when we are asked, we can share this good news.
I encourage each of you to take some time to sit down and think through where you have been and where you plan on going. How is Christ a part of that? What are the plans God has made you for? We all have things to share that can further the Kingdom of God. What is your story?

Jasmine

2008-10-15T12:39:00.000-05:00

This should be dated October 10, but I didn’t get it transferred from my journal to my blog in time.

This has been a long week! Yesterday, my sister contacted me with some sad news. She had to have her cat, Jasmine, put to sleep because she was very ill. I called her back, and the whole time we were on the phone she was just crying. I was hurting for her and also felt helpless to help her. All I could do was tell her I love her and pray for her. I remembered when I had to put my rabbit, Hickory, to sleep. I was devastated! My heart hurt from depths that I didn’t know existed! She may have just been a bunny, but she was my bunny and I loved her very much!

I started thinking about how I have a little toy that was Hickory’s favorite. I had to get rid of all of her stuff, but I kept this one toy. I hand it in the laundry room, and see it whenever I am doing my laundry. I don’t often just sit and think in too much depth about the pain I felt anymore, but every once in a while, I take her toy and just sob! Why? Because I still miss her! Most of the time when I think of her now, I laugh! I remember how tiny she was when I first got her. She would hop around the house and my cat, Cinnamon, didn’t know what to think of this interesting creature. She would quisically watch and then mimic her. It was hilarious! Or, I think of her eating lettuce under the table, while a friend of mine and I ate a special dinner. I even think about the pillows she chewed holes in so that she could burrow inside! Most of this makes me laugh…sometimes uncontrollably! As I said, sometimes I just have to cry, though. That is when it is good to have this little “memory” toy.

I was very sad for my sister, because I know how much it hurts to lose a pet! I know what it is like to have someone for years and years that cuddles with you and has a special bond with you. And I know what it is like to have to be a part of the decision to allow that life to come to an end. It hurts! I think I am going to try to make a bracelet for her as a “memory” to hold onto. In the mean time, I just pray.

I pray, Lord Jesus, that you would be the comfort that my sister needs right now! I pray that would heal her heart and provide for her all that she needs in this time. Let people be gentle and sensitive and provide words of comfort and grace! Most of all, God, embrace her in your arms and hold her as a Good Father does! Because You God are a Good Father!

Sleepless Night?

2008-10-13T01:00:00.000-05:00

Since I can't sleep and all I seem to be able to do right now is pray and think about all the things I could be or should be writing, I decided maybe I should just write. If nothing else, maybe I will finally get weary enough to actually fall asleep. Weary? I am definitely weary enough! It is just that I can't go to sleep for some reason! I have now been trying for over three hours! I feel desperate! My mind is racing, my head aches, my face is stained with tears, and I am feeling a bit angry and bitter that I can't just stuff the things of my heart into the internal Tupperware and seal the lid that doesn't come off until I am ready to deal with the stuff inside!

What are these feelings? There is a whole menagerie of them! There's a range from anger and hurt and injustice to gratefulness and indebtedness. Too many for this all too often, overly introspective me to identify!

But what started all this is that I just feel so much tension at home! For any who have read my bio, you know that I live with a family that I identify as "amazing". I don't take back the comment of amazement! They are very kind and loving and generous. The problem is that I just don't feel like I fit or belong! There seems to be a constant pressure or tension between Kathy and I, which I hate! Prior to me moving into this house, she was probably one of the women that I admired most in my life! Now, I just don't feel like I am important to her anymore! I just don't feel like she cares about me in the way that she did before. It hurts!

I was talking with a friend today who recently moved to another state for school. She was telling me how she is hurting because she is in a new place, with new people, in a new school, and no one around her knows how to love her in the way she needs to be loved! This is kind-of how I feel. I just don't feel like I am getting loved in the way I need to be loved!

What I feel like in large part is that she feels like they did their part by getting me here and now it is sink or swim! It may help you (and my internal Tupperware that is so full it is overflowing at the rate of a riverbank in a flashflood) if you knew more about how I came to live here. Now keep in mind, this is the story from my perspective.

In the last year, I have been overwhelmed with financial burden - primarily medical expenses! I have health insurance, good health insurance, but co-pays are still expensive when you are seeing 4 specialists, on a cocktail of chemotherapy and immune therapy drugs, and regularly getting labs (like blood work and x-rays) done! Then you add in the days of missed work because I was too sick to go, hurting too bad, or just didn't have it in my inner-being to go in and spend my day helping sick people solve the very same (or very similar) problems that I felt were swallowing me alive! What this means is that my bills added up to roughly $2700.00 a month and my income was roughly $1000.00 a month. Any good mathematician can tell you that unless you have an abundance of savings or you live on borrowed money, this math just don't work!

Well, savings was gone very quickly! I don't use credit cards, at all. So, this meant I just couldn't pay things that needed to be paid. At least one of my utilities was off almost all the time. I had a very kind neighbor that would let me take showers at her house and fill all the pitchers with water when the water was off. When the electricity was off, I just left windows open and lit candles. When the gas was off I would cook in the microwave and take really cold showers - presuming I still had electricity and water! I was not living well! Mean while, most of the people in my life had no clue that this was going on - only those who were very close to me. I was exhausted!!!! Not only did I just in general feel like crap, but I also felt very irresponsible and ashamed! Knowing that I was about 2 months away from my landlord kicking me out on my butt, all I could do was pray! I prayed for miracles! I prayed for money! I prayed for grace! I prayed that I would be able to set aside my pride and let people know just how bad things were. I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed!

One night, I was babysitting for my friends Kathy and Gary. When they got home, they sat me down and Kathy said, "You know how I have always said that if we had an apartment above our garage that we would want you to come live with us? Well, we don't have an apartment above the garage. But, we do have a garage! I was looking out there today and I thought, 'How could we make it so that Lynn could live here?' Then I saw it. We could turn the garage into a bedroom for you. It wouldn't be much and you may not want it. But we could turn it into a home for you that wouldn't be as expensive as where you are living right now. We would have to do some work on it. Gary can sheetrock it in and actually give you walls and a door. You would have to share the bathroom with the kids, because there isn't a way to get plumbing in there easily. It would be for a year or so, to give you a chance to get your feet on the ground and decide what you want or need to be doing; if you want to go to nursing school or change jobs. It wouldn't be much, but it would be something, and it would be yours. It's what we can offer you."

I think that is almost verbatim. That conversation still echoes in my heart! Finally! There was an answer! There was release! And, it was an answer that I had very directly been praying for. In an attempt to keep this novel from being as long as Gone With the Wind, I will leave out some of the details about why I believe that accepting the invitation to live here was the right thing to do. But obviously, I said yes. In about two months time, I was living in their home.

Please know, that when I write the struggles and frustrations that I have, I have not forgotten where I came from or the sacrifice that was made for me to be here. But, that is in part, a portion of the problem. This is where the indebtedness comes in. In part, I just feel guilty for feeling so stressed still and not just being content. I feel like I could never do enough to repay them and will never be able to. But I am still a person and I still have needs.

So, what am I not getting that I need? Or what is happening that is currently so hurtful to me?

I feel like I am being overlooked! And not only do I feel like I am being overlooked, but also I feel like it is happening from the person that I love and admire and need affirmation from! I no longer get the hugs that I used to cherish - or the sweet kisses on the forehead that came with them! I used to look forward to seeing this dear friend of mine because she would always greet me in this fashion and then ask me how I am doing or how I am feeling. She no longer asks! And, when I speak, she doesn't listen to me. I am just another annoying nuisance of a noise in her day! On the brief occasion that I do get to actually talk to her - just her - she proceeds to tell me how everyone always needs something from her all day long. She can't even go to the bathroom alone because the door doesn't lock and even if it did one of the kids would be on the other side banging and crying out "Mooommmyyyyyy"! She starts listing off all the things she would like to be doing and could be doing instead of talking. It makes me feel like what she is saying is, "Not you too! First I wake up to children yelling my name and then Gary needs something and then I have to take the kids to school and then the other kid(s) want something and then and then and then and then...YOU. Now you want something from me to! Just go away and leave me alone!" It hurts!

And then she tells me that I just don't get it, that I can't possibly understand what her life is like because I am single and don't have children. I feel like she looks at me and thinks that just because I am single there is no way that I can see the struggles that she is having or attempt to offer solutions. I feel like she looks at me and thinks that my life is in the same place that her life was when she was 21, when she was last single, even though in reality I am only 6 years younger than she is. I don't know what it is like to have a husband or children, but I have a lot that I can offer - if only she would allow me. And, when she is listing off all of these things that I just can't get because I am not married and don't have children, not only does it hurt me because those are relationships that I greatly desire to have, it hurts me because I feel like she is overlooking so many of the joys that come along with having these people in her life. I know far too closely that they could be gone in an instant and she would long for a child to be banging on the bathroom door or her husband to leave his underwear on the floor! Aside from all of this, I fell in love with her family and invested myself into them long before I moved into this house. I feel like I am supposed to be less involved now than I was before. And you got it; it hurts.

Then there is the "payment" aspect. I don't really have any significant issues with this. Just that I wish we could tweak it a bit, but I don't know how to talk to her about it. When we started this arrangement, she made it clear that one of the things she wanted was to be able to have periodic date nights as a trade off for me living here, in addition to paying for 1/2 the cost of renovation and the difference in the cost of electricity for each month from the same month in the year prior, and we worked out a dinner arrangement. This is a very fair offer, and I do not dispute that! As we talked more, what she desired for periodic date night is to be able to go out once a week. That is HARD for me! They are very willing to go out on occasion after the kids are in bed, so there really just needs to be an adult at home to make sure everybody is ok and gets out if anything happens, but the problem is that I CAN'T SLEEP!!! We got a baby monitor thinking that would help. NONONONONO!!!! It does NOT help! What happens with the monitor is that I am hearing all of the wishing and whirring of the sounds inside the house (like the A/C coming on and off) and tock of clocks and children moving in their beds and I can not sleep. Then there is the added anticipation of them arriving home and me being startled by the door opening and them turning the monitor off (which any mom or babysitter knows means the one in my room is going to sound like a TV whose cable has been disconnected as soon as they turn the base off.) I HATE IT!!! I JUST WANT TO SLEEP BUT I CAN'T!!! As for dinner, I cook one meal a week and clean after, Kathy cooks 5 meals a week, and we fend for ourselves the other night of the week. I just feel like there is too much pressure! Not to mention, I don't feel like it is really working out to be fair! I don't know how to say this. I don't know how to talk about anything with her right now, much less touchy things! I feel like there is such a disconnect between us and the rift is getting wider and the bitterness and hurt are getting greater! I HATE IT!

Relationships are too important to me to throw the towel in! But, I get exhausted feeling like I am the only one fighting! Or even worse, like I am the only one who cares! Or even worse, I am the only one that is struggling with this - because then it is just my problem and the only fair thing left to do is just get over it, which makes me feel like what hurts me doesn't impact the people around me.

Cordiality has remained in tact, but truth and trust are fading away. It hurts me, because I feel like I am losing the friend I loved. And, I don't think it is just that we are living together and so we are now seeing things we didn't see before. That can account for some of it. But really, I just don't feel like she respects me. I don't feel like she values me. I don't feel like she believes that I have much to contribute. I feel like she invited me to be here and wants me to be here, but doesn't want to incorporate me into the life that is happening here.

I say that last part because I feel like I am not included. I don't get asked to go to McDonald's when they go as a family or to go on walks when they go as a family or to play outside with them as a family. I just don't feel included.

I know that there are two sides to every relationship. I also know that there needs to be room for ebb and flow. And, I know that not everything in reality is how we "feel" or "perceive" it to be. There is also a big difference between knowing something and feeling something. You will notice I have used the word "feeling" a LOT tonight! I don't know that I am trying to get the solution to any of these things tonight, but I do think that the internal Tupperware is a little less full and I may be able to go get 2.5 hours of sleep before I have to wake up and go to my job that I just don't feel like I have it in me to do.

If you read all of this, thank you! Please pray for me. Please pray that I would have the sustenance that I need. That my dear friend would see how I need to be loved by her and would make some changes to love me in those ways. Pray that I will feel more at home and that I will feel more included. Please also pray that I never forget to be grateful for everything that I have!

Blessings to each of you, and good night (or really good morning)!

Notecards

2008-10-11T13:48:00.000-05:00

I have this thing for notecards. I love them! They are small and can hold a little or a lot of information. You can put recipes on them. You can write sweet little notes to your friends on them. You can jot down that thought that you just don't want to forget. They even come in different colors! They are great!

One of the things that I love to do with notecards is to write Bible verses on them and post them around me. I have them sticky-tacked to mirrors and furniture, posted on my wall at work, and I even have a little stack on my desl that I periodically go through for an extra boost of encouragement. It may seem a little strange, but it works for me!

I still remember when I learned this. It was from a friend in college, named Jason. He kept a little ring of Bible verses on notecards and would read them while he walked from class to class. He would take study breaks and meditate on these little cards with words of wisdom so that he could learn scripture better. I really liked this, so I started doing it too...and I just never stopped. In fact, I have even drawn other people in my life into this precious past time of mine! I am looking at a notecard that my sister, Marcie, made for me about 3 years ago with Romans 5:3-5. It reads:

"...we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not dissappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us."

I still remember the day she wrote this out for me. There was a tremendous amount of change going on in my life and I was really excited. I wanted some new notecards to post in my new apartment and at my new desk at my new job. I went over to her house with a stack of multi-colored notecards and a plethora of markers and we got started. She got to this one and said..."This has always been one of my favorite verses." Over the last three years, it has become one of mine too.

An Encouraging Word

2008-10-06T18:18:00.000-05:00

There's a woman at church who has started praying for me. She is such a sweet woman. Yesterday, she asked me how I was doing and told me that while she was praying for me this last week she saw something she wanted to share with me.

She said that she saw me and I was reaching up with my right hand to a ball of light about the size of a navel orange - a large orange. She said that as I reached up, healing started coming through my hand and shoulder and through my body. We talked for a little about this. She said that there is an act of reaching to God, asking Him for healing. There is a part - a movement - that I am responsible for. She was very clear to state that it is God that is healing me. I wish that I had written everything down as she was saying it. The bottom line, is that it was encouraging. I really appreciate her being bold enough to tell me what saw.

What a Wonderful Night

2008-10-03T23:10:00.000-05:00

I just got home from a friends wedding. Maybe it is the princess in me, but there is something about weddings that just make my heart smile. I especially love to watch the way the bride and groom look at each other through out the night. I also love to look at the other couples. For some reason, people seem to connect in a unique way at weddings. I like watching the little children proudly and excitedly race out onto the dance floor and spin and twirl with no regard for how they look or who is watching. They are just enjoying the moment. Little girls try to spin as fast as they can to see how high they can get their skirt to float. Little boys and little girls alike spin and spin and spin and then stop to experience the thrill of being dizzy! Then their are the proud parents of the newly married couple. With what energy is left, they float onto the dance floor, embrace, and hold on to oneanother.

For those of you who don't know me, you may be thinking that I am a hopeless romantic. Those who know me can assure anyone that I am not! There is just something special about weddings! To stand in front of God and family and friends and declare your love and committment to another person is a big deal!

So, to all of you who are married...Be blessed! Thank you for taking a day out to share with one another the depths of your love and commitment. And, thank you for including the special people in your life in the celebration of that love.

Another Thursday

2008-10-02T17:55:00.000-05:00

Thursdays are hard for me. Not all of them, just every other Thursday. This is one of those Thursdays.

In general, a lot of good happens on this day of the week and I look forward to it all week long. I have my Hope Group on Thursdays; which means I get to see my friends, eat a meal with people I care about, worship, have Bible Study, pray. It's great! The thing that I don't like about every other Thursday is that it is the day I have to give myself my shot.

As a part of my treatment for RA, I have to give myself a shot every other week with an immune-therapy medication. The shot itself hurts, but that is not the part that I hate so much. The part I hate is what happens inside of me. It hurts in my heart. This is a physical reminder - aside from the pain in my body - that something is wrong with me.

I know that we all have our things that we have to deal with. And a lot of times they are hard and they just don't seem fair. This is one of those things! The thing that really hurts in my heart is that I don't think I have quite reconciled why sickness happens. I don't think that I am going to know the answer on this side of heaven - maybe not even in the perfection of heaven will I understand this mystery. I see sickness all around me in amazing people; people who are faithful and strong followers of Christ.

I have a friend whose mother has battled for years with cancer, which has recurred multiple times. The prognosis is grim. Yet, she continues to fight and praises God, The Most High King, as her Perfect Redeemer. Just watching her teaches me so much about theology. Theology is not just what you can spit out when someone asks you questions about what you believe. It is a picture of how you live your life.

My pastor and I were having a conversation several weeks ago and he asked me how my heart was. I told him that it is hard to put into words. On the one side, I love God with all of my being! I KNOW that He is good and that He is Sovereign and His will is perfect! On the other side, I hurt and I want to know why a God who can heal more quickly than I can take a breath doesn't just do it! I am angry and sad. And almost everyday, when I lay down to go to sleep at the end of the day and my body aches, I have to come before Him and say that I am angry and sad and I hurt, but that I love Him and I know that He is good. I ask Him to show me His understanding and to help me to live according to His will regardless of my situation. I also have to go through this everytime I have to give myself my shot. My pastor smiled at me and said, "Keep doing it." Then he said something that I thought peculiar at the moment. He said, "People are watching you."

I think back to my friends mom. I see that people really do watch how we live life and they pay attention to how we handle the bumps in the road. I just hope that I live life in such a way that when people see me, they see Jesus in me! And, I think that it's ok to have moments when I ask God what He is doing and why. After all, aren't those questions part of living a life of understanding God more?

So, as I close out this Thursday, I go to God and thank Him for all of the wonderful blessings He has poured over me and I ask Him for more grace and more understanding and more strength.